I Feel like the biggest fraud!!! I denied my true self twice today

[Barbara Dugan]

I feel really sad. I denied my true self today. This morning when I got to work there was a big argument going on.

When I stepped in on the break room everybody got quiet for a moment then one of my coworkers told me that they were defending me against the ongoing rumor that I was being effeminate and gay.

There were two sides, one defending my masculinity and heterosexuality and the other side doubting on the reasons why I had my arms shaved and my brows waxed, They were arguing that manly guys don't do that.

Things were getting kind of heating up but I keep my cool all the time and acted like it everything was a nonsense and irrelevant but deep inside I was like I was falling in pieces. Then I denied being Gay or effeminate twice, I even made a few jokes about I think those were the ones that made feel even worse.

I feel really bad because I lost an opportunity to come out and be the real me but I think I the fear and insecurity won this time and that is why I feel like a fraud

Do you think I made a mistake?

["Mary"]

Don't beat yourself up too much. It's not like you have duty to share Barbara with them.

[Jenny Gurl]

Just because the topic came up today, doesn't mean you are ready to come out today or ever for that matter. We all have to weigh options. Society is not approving of us or we would all be out and free. Many things to weigh, some risk their jobs, S.O., children, etc. Don't let the pink fog blind you and make any serious decision like this when you are ready, not when it happens to be convenient. As far as denying yourself, just because you defended yourself there does not make you a bad person or mean you betrayed your sisterhood. You protected yourself from whatever you thought was at risk. Sleep well tonight, you did nothing wrong.

[MonicaJean]

No, you made no mistakes.

In this metrosexual world we live in nowadays, "real" men get pedicures and facials too. Don't sweat it.

[Jodygurl]

Mistake? Only if you think it was. Missed opportunity? Probably. But only if you were ready to acknowledge their suspections.

Bottom line, (geez, I hate that term, sorry) you seem to have made it pretty obvious (brows, arms) so you probably should have been ready to come out.

But, it's not the end of the world. You still have a job and, I assume, some friends at work.

Maybe you could call a good friend aside and find a way to fess up while pointing out that it's not really a big deal.

[NathalieX66]

That sounds kinda rough going.
I'm afraid I don't have much to offer for advice. Any experts on the subject?

I work in an office enviromnment amongs a bunch of jock types, and we all know what it's like when they're all together in one room, and the peer group mentality kicks in. Everybody wants to suck up to the alpha dog, and get approval amongst the group.

For me, I'm not a junior level guy anymore so it's rough enough for me to try to grow my hair long when already I have pierced ears and thinned out eyebrows, and I used to be known as a guy with long sideburns. I meet with clients on a business level. I love my job but there are compromises I make in order to pay the mortgage, and save for retirement.
I think it's a shame that your co-workers would even dwell on sexual orientation. Since when does anybody need to defend themselves in order to justify approval frpm peers or fellow co-workers?

The downside I've struggled with being a CD'er or TG is that it's not like being gay, where you can tuck away your personal life a la DADT, and you look like any normal person. Once you start altering your appearance, it makes others feel uneasy. I feel bad about many people who've gone down the road of transition, only to find themselves out of work.

[Lorileah]

First it wasn't their freakin business about your sexuality. Tell them to get a life preferably somewhere away from you if it is important to them.

Second, when the time is right, you can come out. Not when they think you should. You didn't need defending, you needed someone to say "it ain't anybody's bidness. Now who wants cake?"

[Tanya83]

I probably would have done the same.

[Babette]

Barbara, only you know the realities of your work environment. Perhaps your instincts were your best guide.

I've had several past experiences with different offices and there always seemed to be an undertone gossip and evil misgivings toward each other. I think it was all driven by the competitive natures of many alpha personalities but I could be wrong. Nevertheless, I purposely avoided telling people my personal business. That doesn't mean that I was aloof, unfriendly or impolite. I recognized that some individuals thrived on bolstering their self importance by taking a little bit of information and embellishing it. As far as I was concerned, they could wonder anything they wanted to about me until cows came home.

Do I think you made a mistake? No, you were looking out for your own safety and there is nothing wrong with that. As for the next time, just let them wonder. It'll drive them nuts.

Babette

[Kathryn Martin]

Barbara:

It is such a difficult decision to make at the spur of the moment. None of us deserves to be put on the spot like that and then forced to do something we might not be ready to do.

I think you did the right thing. I have been called effeminate, in touch with my feminine side etc.

I always admit it and really simply tell the guys that I believe they are missing out on a whole part of themselves, which (and here is the is the stab) would allow them to be more cultured and educated, enjoy more about life instead of running around like grunting beef cakes.

Because I am a living example of what I mean they usually shut up.

Without giving up your protective cloak of leaving Barbara anonymous embrace your feminine side.

You did good today to protect yourself and make the coming out something that is at a time and place of your choosing not theirs or the situations.

In the world that we live in you did not betray yourself or what you stand for, you ensured that you didn't get railroaded.

Kathryn

P.S. I have never given a flying hoot about what people think of me - and if they can't find a valid line of attack or criticism they usually beat on the most vulnerable spot which in my book makes them weak and me right

[Barbara Dugan]

That sounds kinda rough going.
I'm afraid I don't have much to offer for advice. Any experts on the subject?

I work in an office environment amongst a bunch of jock types, and we all know what it's like when they're all together in one room, and the peer group mentality kicks in. Everybody wants to suck up to the alpha dog, and get approval amongst the group.

For me, I'm not a junior level guy anymore so it's rough enough for me to try to grow my hair long when already I have pierced ears and thinned out eyebrows, and I used to be known as a guy with long sideburns. I meet with clients on a business level. I love my job but there are compromises I make in order to pay the mortgage, and save for retirement.
I think it's a shame that your co-workers would even dwell on sexual orientation. Since when does anybody need to defend themselves in order to justify approval from peers or fellow co-workers?

The downside I've struggled with being a CD'er or TG is that it's not like being gay, where you can tuck away your personal life a la DADT, and you look like any normal person. Once you start altering your appearance, it makes others feel uneasy. I feel bad about many people who've gone down the road of transition, only to find themselves out of work.

Thanks Natalie..yes is hard to deal on those environments where the Testosterone runs really high and where coworkers see you as part of a pack. One of the things that troubled me the most is that some of them were defending me of the accusations of being gay or effeminate I guess they are the ones that more about me...what would be their reaction ? if they found that I am in reality Tg.

First it wasn't their freakin business about your sexuality. Tell them to get a life preferably somewhere away from you if it is important to them.

Second, when the time is right, you can come out. Not when they think you should. You didn't need defending, you needed someone to say "it ain't anybody's bidness. Now who wants cake?"

Its exactly what I said but some of them were so right on the money that left me with some doubts about their knowdlege of this issues

[Alice Torn]

[SIZE="3"]Barbara, Cute avatar by the way!! Don't feel bad. I would likely have done the same thing. At the VA mental health clinic, last week, I got into a discussion, with an Iraq veteran. We totally agreed on everything, but when he kind of attacked gay, I told him i hate the feminist movement, and other movements, but, i said there are gay people, who have been victimized, by abuses. Hey , even Peter denied Jesus three time!! I could surely see myself, around all that testosterone, and pressure, doing the same thing!! But, isn't that sexual harrassment, for emplotees to gang up, on a fellow employee, and do such things? You did ok. [/SIZE]

[AKAMichelle]

Tough call. At least you know some of your co-workers care about you a lot. They were defending your honor till the last man.

[Andy66]

There's a big difference between coming out one person at a time (may or may not be a good idea), and throwing yourself into the middle of a big argument (always a bad idea). I agree with the ladies: come out on your own terms. Don't worry, you did what you had to do.

[tanyalynn51]

You did the right thing. No one has the right to dictate to you when you come out. Especially not meatheads like that.

[julia ann]

I know how you felt, I was once faced with listening to a radio show featuring, Janet, a t-girl who also happened to be the lady I buy all my clothes from. Had to listen to a bunch of neanderthal construction workers hoot and holler about what she had to say. Very, very hard to keep to my mouth shut.

[docrobbysherry]

I think u CLEARLY understand! Once the toothpaste is OUT of tube, it's NEVER going back in again!

U have to work with these people nearly EVERY DAY! Only U know how bad it could be if u came out!

Also, u can ALWAYS come out LATER!

[ReneeT]

Coming out is a big deal. It needs to be done on your terms, according to your schedule, and to whom you choose. Given the circumstances, i might have had the same response you had. Clearly, though, your coworkers have noticed some changes. The events you describe have shown you who your friends are, so, if you WANT to come out to your coworkers, you know where to start.

In the words of William Jefferson Clinton, I feel your pain. You are in my thoughts

Renee

[Miranda09]

Barb, don't worry about it. You did the right thing and, as Lori said, it's NONE of their business. You'll come out when you're ready and not before.

[7sisters]

Your only duty is to protect yourself, your job and your family income. Period. Fullstop. You are not an activist with lawyers to back you. Leave activism to activists. And forgive yourself for being perfectly human. Whenever I listen to an anti-gay joke and am too tired to tell the person so shutup , I make ammends by donating a small amount of money to the local LGBT community.

[Barbara Dugan]

I wish to thank everyone for the input and comments ...they make me feel much better now

[Tina B.]

Barbra, how could you have done anything different, you walked into a room full of people, one side having a negative attitude, the other side defending you masculinity. Had you of came clean, you would have let down your defenders, but I doubt you would have won over over any of the negative group. You don't risk the job, on the spare of the moment. If your not sleeping with them, or wearing their clothes, why do you owe them an explanation of your private life. Stop beating yourself up, it's your choice as to who and when you tell all. I'm sure you've heard the old saying, if your wife catches you in bed with another woman, look up and say, "honey, it's not me." I think it fits even better in this case. Even if they know, you don't have to admit anything you don't want too.
Tina B.

[Sarah Doepner]

While it may be a missed opportunity for you to come out, it was also a missed opportunity for all the bashers to really start to lump on you and for "friends" to abandon you because they were defending something that changed before their eyes.

It doesn't sound like it was a good situation and there may still be fallout from the discussion. Be aware for the next several weeks there will be those who are unwilling to let the discussion go and will be wanting to prove they were right.

Play your cards carefully for the next little while Barbara, but today you did the best thing possible.

[t-girlxsophie]

You don't owe an explanation to anyone Barbara,Your Life your rules.Only on your terms should you tell anyone.IMO you did the right thing.They will move on to talk about someone else this time next week.

Also This line that gets trotted out about what Is or Isn't Manly is tiresome,theres many "tough guys" out there who take care of themselves.are they going to have to defend themselves every time some cretin pulls them up,nah! don't think so

Sophie xx

[jenifer m.]

the way i see it is you will know when the timing is right to come out,and the break room that day definently diddn't sound like a good time to do it.you will know when that time is.