I need help. My CD story.

[melissacd33]

Ok. This is probably going to be a long post, but I don't know what else to do. I kind of feel like I'm at the end of my rope. I've read a lot of posts, and everyone seems so awesome. So accepting. That said...thanks for taking the time to read my post. I think I'm just trying to figure out who the hell I am. What I am, even. Sorry if this post is in the wrong section or anything. You can blame it on my noobness.

I am 31. I've been crossdressing since I was 12. The first time I crossdressed, my mom was gone shopping, and I went through her closet for some reason. Seeing those dresses hanging there, something stirred inside of me and I couldn't fight it. I started trying on her dresses. From there that was it. I crossdressed whenever I could. I saved money from my jobs afterward and bought my own lingerie, pantyhose, etc. I would lock myself in my room and crossdress at night...it always excited me so much. I was never officially caught by my parents, but I think my mom had her suspicions. My dad had no idea...which is for the best. He was absolutely opposed to anyone gay or "different." I know if I would have said anything I would have been disowned. Not looking for a pity party, just telling it how it is. He freaked out when I grew my hair out long...asked me if I was trying to look like "One of those Nine Inch Nails fags?" (I LOVED Nine Inch Nails growing up), so that gives you an idea of his ideals. Absolutely against anyone different. He didn't do anything horrible like hit me or anything like that, he just wasn't exactly the most accepting person in the world.

Now...I like girls. Always have. And I've never had any problems getting girls since high school. The problem? The burning curiosity and feelings about men in the back of my mind. So...along with my crossdressing, I simply couldn't fight these urges and had to experiment. When I was in my early twenties I finally had my first homosexual experience. I began talking online with an older man that also crossdressed a bit. We shared our desires and experiences for a while, and it culminated with him inviting me over. Nervously, I said yes. The next day I showed up with my bag of girly things, and trembling, knocked on his door. He opened the door and to my relief he was very cute. Clean cut, athletic, etc. I dressed up for him in the bathroom...I could barely apply makeup I was so scared. Finally I finished and came out to meet him. We had a short flirty conversation, and then proceeded to have the most sexually awkward experience of my life. To sum it up, he tried to kiss me, and hold me, and really, I wasn't ready for it. I just felt so uncomfortable. Long story short, I didn't really have any fun because I was freaking out internally. Afterwards when driving home I pulled the car to the side of the road and threw up. I was so disgusted with myself. I was depressed for days. I vowed to never do anything like that again. Ever. That was it. I went home, threw all of my lingerie into the garbage and convinced myself I was done. I was done crossdressing. Done "experimenting." Done with it all.

And right now you're all thinking the same thing. "But it wasn't over." And you're right. It wasn't.

Fast forward a couple years later. I had finally gotten to a place where I was accepting the fact that I liked crossdressing again. I had purchased some more girly things and crossdressed when I could. I still swore off men though. That would never happen again. But of course the thoughts and desires were still there. Again, I liked women, but couldn't kick this nagging curiosity about men. I hated that feeling. It made me feel so ashamed.

So...one night I was at a bar with a lot of friends and a stranger from out of town came over and started talking with us. He was nice. We talked with him and joked around...it was fun. He bought us all a round of drinks for being so nice and chatting with him. At one point he looked at me though, and I instantly felt something in the pit of my stomach. His look said "I want you." and I knew it. My instinct was to fight it, but since I had a few drinks in me, those instincts went out the window. He asked me for a ride after the bar closed and I happily obliged. Once in the car he started touching me and asked to come to his room with him. I was extremely nervous, but said yes. Long story short, I felt much more comfortable this time and actually had fun. I enjoyed the experience. That was weird for me. I didn't think I would ever enjoy something like that. The next day I kind of went back to the same feelings of awkwardness and denial.

I'm getting to the point...promise.

Fast forward a few years later. One night while I was working online, I happened to start talking with a local transgender. She was a born male living as a pre-op female. After talking for a bit, she invited me over. Feeling seriously conflicted, I said ok. Now mind you, I went as a complete male. No crossdressing. After arriving, I was pleasantly surprised to find that she was very pretty. We talked for a bit, and of course, one thing led to another and we ended up sleeping together. The thing I couldn't get over? I loved it. I loved that she was the combination of a woman and man rolled into one. It just felt...awesome. We ended up meeting one more time and it was just as amazing as the first time. Very passionate. Unfortunately she was in the process of moving and left to move across country after the second meeting. After she left I really think I started to realize that while I am sometimes attracted to females and to certain males, I am also very attracted to transgendered girls (m2f).

Now this whole time I have continued to crossdress on a regular basis. I have a pretty bitchin' stash of things, and think I've gotten to the point where I look pretty darn good all dolled up.

Now, this summer my girlfriend of quite a few years years been out of the country for a few months for work. Obviously I don't mind too much, as it gives me a chance to express my feminine side without worry. Here's the thing though. She doesn't know that I dress. She doesn't even know about this other side of me that has experimented with other men and TGs. I have broached the subject many times, but I can tell from her reactions that she most likely would not like it. Since we've been together I've fantasized about other cds and transgenders a lot. Now, I have to stress that my gf and I have a great sex life. No problems at all actually. I am genuinely turned on by her and love her.

For some reason, everything has just hit me. Tonight, for the first time in my life I stopped and realized I might be gay. Or maybe half gay. Bisexual I guess? I don't know. I know, ridiculous, right? How long did the signals have to show themselves before I started to open my eyes. I like girls with "something extra." I also like regular girls, but like I said, when I have fantasies, it's always about TG girls. I love crossdressing. I would never want to fully transition or anything, I like being male, but I love dressing up when I feel like it.

Now my gf is coming back in a couple weeks and I am suddenly having a million conflicting feelings and I don't know what to do. At this point I am confused as to who the hell I really am. Seriously. Am I a closet semi gay part time crossdresser? bi-sexual? Transgendered? Straight? Ok...probably not straight...I realize that. You get the idea. I know that no one can make decisions for me, but I'd love to hear what you all have to say/suggest. I guess I just feel so conflicted right now. At the end of the day I love my life, my career, friends, girlfriend, etc...I just wish I was at peace with who I am and what I want. I don't even feel like I fit in a certain category. Maybe I don't need to fit in a category, but the fact that I don't makes me feel even stranger. I know most of my problems probably stem from my father, society, genetics, and god knows what else. I just need to hear something nice right now. To know I'm not a freak. Because right now I feel like one.

Thanks so much for reading and listening to me go on and on.

[Persephone]

To know I'm not a freak. Because right now I feel like one.

Nope, you're not a freak, Melissa.

You're one of about 6-billion, nearly 7-billion, individuals sharing this planet. You are unique, as is each and every one of us, and you don't need a label to tell you who you are.

It certainly doesn't sound like there is anything wrong with you, you are just a highly complex person (I'll bet that's true of other areas of your life too).

So if you can, relax, pour yourself a cup of tea (or a cup of coffee, or whatever you like), and take a deep breath.

Hugs,
Persephone.

[Samantha_Smile]

Youre not a freak.
Just getting that out there, becuase you aint!
Were all different. Sure were ALL pink and red inside but were not all cut from the same cloth.

You do need to tell your GF though.
Youve been together a few years, so we can assume its serious/going somewhere...
You you need to get honest, and fast.
Dont let your girlfriend find out from your internet history like mine did, the guilt mistrust are a lot to deal with.
Now my girlfriend bought me a new bra n thong last night (lovely hot pink satin with black lace detail- I digress), she accepts it but doesnt love it. To be honest, I can also acknowledge that my life would be 10 times easier if I didnt dress, but I do and my girl understands that Ive not made a choice here, its just who I am.

If you are meant to be with your lady then she will accept it.
If youre not meant to be then youre not meant to be.
But you cant know this for sure untill ALL of this is out in the open with her. Let her make a decision for herself as to whether she wants to stay with you based upon the facts.

It will take a lot of guts, and tears will be shed whatever the final outcome is.

Back to your point.
Youre not in any way a freak, I mean sure, were not considdered to be stereotypically normal, but then who is?
Nobody gives trainspotters a hard time, and thats a REALLY weird way to spend your weekend. Whats so bad about spending it in a dress and a wig?

[Andy66]

I can relate to this. Sounds like you're just trying to figure yourself out. It shows that you think for yourself and don't take societal norms for granted. All I can say is, experiment if you need to and be yourself, but please don't lie to or cheat on your girlfriend. You know it's wrong and could cause a lot of unhappiness.

[ReineD]

Well you asked, so this is my opinion, and please take it with a grain of salt since it is just an opinion.

I think you are bi. You are also transgender, and this will continue to amplify. Eventually you will develop a sexual preference for one gender over the other (it tends to happen that way). You're well on your way now since you've broken down the cultural and sexual barriers for yourself. Judging by what you've described, you will develop a preference for men over time, since they do amplify your own femme experience which, judging by the other things you've said, provides you with a great deal of fulfillment. Others here describe having sex with men as making them feel complete.

I wonder about your gf though. Is she OK with open relationships? I mean, do the two of you have carte blanche to have sex with others? You say she will not react well when you tell her who you are and what you do. I think it's time to risk telling her and find out for sure how she feels. If you don't do this, you will either need to lie, or try to suppress this part of yourself in order to stay with her. Both of these alternatives will eventually erode your relationship.

I'm sorry if this is harsh, I know it's not easy. But it's best to be realistic, open up to her, and live with the outcome whatever it may be. This will save a lot of pain in the future, for both you and your gf.

I know you didn't ask for opinions about what to do about your gf, but it all goes hand in hand and I couldn't find it in me to not say anything.

I wish you all the best in sorting this out.

[melissacd33]

Youre not a freak.
Nobody gives trainspotters a hard time, and thats a REALLY weird way to spend your weekend. Whats so bad about spending it in a dress and a wig?

Great way to put it. Thank you for taking the time to write back.

I know you didn't ask for opinions about what to do about your gf, but it all goes hand in hand and I couldn't find it in me to not say anything.

I wish you all the best in sorting this out.

I didn't ask, but I'm glad you said it. These are things I need to hear. If I'm ever going to figure anything out, I not only need to be honest with myself, but everyone else too. Thank you.

[michellesworld]

Thank you for sharing your story. I can relate to a lot of what you said though I am much younger.

Forget about labels. Labels are useless. Sexuality, contrary to popular belief, is best described on a continuous spectrum as opposed to strict black/white categories.

As for your gf, are you really considering marrying her? If she's not the 'one', maybe you might want to spend some time being single so you can explore this side?

[melissacd33]

Thank you for sharing your story. I can relate to a lot of what you said though I am much younger.

That's something I have noticed reading through the forum. Lots of us have had the same sorts of experiences. I find it comforting that we're not alone. Not to say that having these conflicts is a good thing, but knowing that we're not alone in them is a nice thing.

[prene]

Thanks for the story.

I feel like you.

Love women but love being/dressing as one.

Still trying to figure things out.

[Andromeda]

From the information that you have given us my best guess is that you are a bi-sexual cross dresser and not a transsexual. As for when, where, how or even if you tell your girl friend I can't tell you.

[Shari]

Take some comfort in the fact that at least you were able to act on your feelings and experience the other side.
There are plenty of us here who haven't allowed that luxury for ourselves. We'll go to our graves wondering and regretting.

I believe that your psyche is being driven by your own guilt, more than anything. Don't let that happen. You're free to choose and be who you want to be.
Don't fret about attaching a label to yourself. A rose is still a rose, you know.

Lastly, you should let your girlfriend know.
She deserves at least that much.

[Angiemead12]

I feel for you! I too fantasize about m2f TS! But Im not into men at all. My partner knows this side of me and is always worried that I will cheat on her with a shim and not a girl! I cant tell you enough that you and I are not alone!

Unlike you I have never indulged this fantasy nor will I try, Im very happy knowing my partner knows and loves me for who I am. I wont do anything to screw that up!

[Inna]

The ever unfolding process you are experiencing is generally known as gender dysphoria and involves unbound and fluid understanding of sexual self. For most of us the uncertain feeling of sexual identity is just part of day to day life, as the girls here already said, in time you develop through experimentation, a better feeling what fits and what doesn't. It also involves disconnect between body and brain sex, hence the need to experience femininity(CDing). You can label your self anything society has to offer, such as freak, outcast and so on but until you embrace the freak in you, sense of wrong will always linger. I have come to embrace my freak in me and I am just fine with that, I suppose once you do it, it becomes just who you are! Freak turns to normal. Don't expect though the societal boundaries to change for you, the mainstream is just that, what they don't understand they tend to beat with the stick, I suppose that is the way for "intelligent" homo sapient to understand the world.
Be your self and truthful. As to your significant, I have found the truth liberating but hear me out, it also hurts a lot at times, you need to decide which you take, the red pill or the blue pill, live a sort of pretend calm life or wake up and see the reality which can bite. In a long run, I choose the reality but cautiously and giving my self enough time to allow my true self to emerge.

[docrobbysherry]

I read your ENTIRE post! Yawn!

You're young, NOT married, NOT living in a 3rd world country where acting on your impulses could get u stoned! U sound like u have your health, all your faculties, and AREN'T living in your car!

So, you're worried about what u R? Well, I don't know, and what I think shouldn't matter to u ANYWAY!

And, you've got what? 50 or 60 years to work it out for yourself!?

Go, Grasshopper! Live! Learn! Love! Find yourself and your destiny!

[KellyG]

I agree that you should totally tell your GF!
Let the chips fall where they may.
If who you are doesn't work for her, then you're doing her a huge favor.
But maybe you'll be pleasantly surprised.
No matter what happens, you'll be yourself, and that is the greatest thing of all.

[DonnaT]

First, since you love your girlfriend, do not be unfaithful.

Second, you need to tell her about being trans if: 1) you or she wants to take take the relationship to another level, like marriage, having kids, and such, or 2) you don't think you can hide it from her any more.

I see no need to tell her if the relationship isn't going to change to something deeper, like marriage, and if you are going to remain faithful. But there's always the risk of getting caught.

Now, if you do tell her, there's a good possibility she'll ask if your gay. Since you love her, are attracted to her, and have a good sex life with her, then you are not gay.

If you aren't attracted to men, as men, then you aren't Bi in the strictest, cis-gendered, way.

You could tell her you are trans-Bi, but if you have no plans on straying, then there's no need to tell her that either.

You might feel her out about how she'd feel about strap-on play, if you have the urge for that little extra.

[LisaM]

Melissa,

I could have written your post although it would have been written 20 years ago. I am sure many of us have had similar experiences.

Two points: First, you need to open up to your girl friend and explain that you are having gender issues. These feelings don't go away and she will never be able to cure you. Telling her will be difficult but you owe it to her and you owe it to yourself. Second, I would suggest that you think about seeing a therapist whi is familiar with gender issues. You need to come to grips with your gender/sexuality issues before you become seriously involved with anyone.

You are still so young but you need to understand yourself before you go any further

[JulieC]

She doesn't know that I dress. She doesn't even know about this other side of me that has experimented with other men and TGs. I have broached the subject many times, but I can tell from her reactions that she most likely would not like it.

You're not married. So, my default advice here is TELL her. Maybe she will reject it. But, do NOT make the disastrous mistake of marrying her without her knowing your FULL past, and your best assessment of who you are. You're doing her a huge disservice, and you're also condemning yourself to a life of hiding. A private form of hell.

A number of people think "she wouldn't accept" and find out otherwise. To see it in others, it's easy to reject. To see it in the person you profess to love, a different perspective can kick in. Don't sell your girlfriend short. At least give her the opportunity to decide for herself if this is something she wants in her life.

I just wish I was at peace with who I am and what I want.

That is very, very hard. I consider myself on a constant journey of exploration of myself. I don't know what I am either. But, I am confident enough in myself that I (a) refuse to accept a spouse who does not accept me...all of me and (b) acknowledge I am not 100% male, and will no longer do anything destructive to myself or others because of that fact; that includes no purges, etc.

I don't even feel like I fit in a certain category. Maybe I don't need to fit in a category, but the fact that I don't makes me feel even stranger. I know most of my problems probably stem from my father, society, genetics, and god knows what else. I just need to hear something nice right now. To know I'm not a freak. Because right now I feel like one.

I have a terrible diagnosis for you. I hope you're sitting down. You are terminally afflicted with being human. There's no cure. I'm very sorry to be the bearer of such bad tidings, but there it is. You can't escape the fact that you are human.

I can also tell you that you are NOT a freak. Stop tearing at yourself with negative thought patterns. You are who you are. Your girlfriend loves you for who you are, even if she doesn't realize she's dating someone who is transgendered (using that as a broad umbrella term). The aspects of you that are more femme are part and parcel of who you are, and she loves those things too, even if she doesn't understand the source as yet.

Have a look at this link. It's very important in helping to sort yourself out. Those are four sliding scales, as it were. All of us are at some point on all of those scales. Society would like very much for every single person to be all extreme left (male) or all extreme right (female). Reality is very much otherwise, but society sticks its head in the sand on that point.

Try to assess yourself on those scales. Understand that the scales are absolutely independent of each other. They can influence each other to some degree, but they can't change each other. You may be very surprised at your own results.

Stop worrying about labels. You find those on products in grocery stores, not on humans. You also don't come with a price tag! You are unique, precious, and priceless. Stop thinking anything that disagrees with that. Instead, focus on self acceptance. That's easier said then done. It's easy to say "get over it and accept yourself". But, it can take years. It took me years to get to the point of self confidence in myself that I refused to accept a spouse that was less than accepting.

If (hopefully WHEN) you tell your girlfriend, don't convey this knowledge to her as if it's some deep scar, some horrible shame you carry. Be proud of who and what you are. Being attracted to men, and TS men, doesn't mean you can't be attracted to her. Make that clear. Something that is lost on some people is that being something other than straight doesn't mean it's impossible for you to be utterly happy in a heterosexual relationship.

You are just as normal as all the rest of the people in the world.

[Lucy_Bella]

Sounds like you have a lot of webs that need swept,...I really don't think you are sure ( 100 % ) in several things..

1. Gender Identity

2. Sexual preferance .

The good thing is you have plenty of time to work it out, first thing is to not step on anyone while working it out..Live your life however you want as so long as you do not drag un knowing and un willing victoms along..

[BRANDYJ]

You have received some very good advice from many that responded. You do need to be fair to your girlfriend and put on your big girl panties and tell her. The sooner the better for the both of you. If she can't accept it, then you will perhaps separate and go your own way. But IF she feels very strongly about you, you might be surprised how she might accept it. Like all relationships, there is a compromise that maybe you both can live with. But as others have said, the worse thing you can do is cheat on her or lie by omission. Omission is keeping something this important form her. Your hiding it, lying about it or even keeping it well under control can only last so long. YOu will eventually be found out and the pain for the both of you could be far worse then how you both deal with it now.
I wish you luck.

[Vickie_CDTV]

First and foremost, I hope you no longer go to the homes of strangers you have just talked to online without knowing them in real life for a while. Many women have been murdered or raped this way.

Your girlfriend has a right to know what you are doing, if you have what she believes is a monogamous relationship. You are not only lying to her, you are putting her at a increased risk for disease as well (and she did not know of and accept this risk.)

[Shananigans]

Alright. So, you're bisexual. It's not the end of the world. I'm bisexual too. I am in a relationship with a man that I love very much who is also bisexual.

I've known that I was bi since middle school, but I never accepted it until very recently. I'm still not "out" to most of my friends or ANY of my family. Why? Because, it's none of their business. I tell people that I feel need to know. If someone were to ask me, I'd tell him/her that I'm bi.

You have experimented around enough to know what turns you on, and that's good. So, you are attracted to many different types of people. Well, same boat.

Here is my important advice to you...you are in love with your girlfriend and have a good sex life. Please don't be one of those stupid bisexuals and screw that up. We're blessed to be attracted to both genders and sometimes blended genders...this can help us find our ideal partner no matter what gender they are.

It sounds like you are in a good place right now, so don't screw it up. Am I attracted to women? Yes. Do I often fantasize about women? Yes. Is being with Ryan the same as being with a woman. Well, it can be pretty close...but, it's not Exactly the same.

But, I love him and am sexually satisfied with him. I don't need to run off and hook up with guys sometimes and girls sometimes, etc.

The point is to be in a happy, fulfilling relationship.

It's true that bis can prefer to be in a relationship with a certain gender over the other. I prefer to be with men over women. I don't know why. But, if I was in love with a woman, I would definitely try a relationship with her.

You need to figure out if you prefer to be in a relationship with women or men. It sounds like you are with a cool girl now. So, why mess up a good thing? Go ahead and be turned on by men. Fantasize about them. It's not a bad thing. Good for the imagination.

But, don't let it confuse you to where you screw up your relationship. Love is love. Sex is sex. Find love and if the sex is good..then, you're set. Don't try to fix something that isn't broken.

[sometimes_miss]

It's true that bis can prefer to be in a relationship with a certain gender over the other. I prefer to be with men over women. I don't know why. But, if I was in love with a woman, I would definitely try a relationship with her.

<snip>
and

You need to figure out if you prefer to be in a relationship with women or men.

I agree with most of the rest of the crowd here, but on this one item, it's not necessarily true for everyone. I met a bi GG many years ago who has since enjoyed several multi year relationships with both girls and guys, and as of a few years ago, still hadn't developed a preference for one or the other. She seems to like both.
Beyond that, just be who you are, but be fair to others. Let them know you, and give them the choice as to whether to continue a relationship with 'the real you'. And certainly don't try to put a label on yourself. Others will to that enough for you.

[Shananigans]

I agree with most of the rest of the crowd here, but on this one item, it's not necessarily true for everyone. I met a bi GG many years ago who has since enjoyed several multi year relationships with both girls and guys, and as of a few years ago, still hadn't developed a preference for one or the other. She seems to like both.
Beyond that, just be who you are, but be fair to others. Let them know you, and give them the choice as to whether to continue a relationship with 'the real you'. And certainly don't try to put a label on yourself. Others will to that enough for you.

One experience of one bisexual doesn't speak for everyone. My experience doesn't speak for everyone and neither does your friends'. However, many of us do have a preference...and, in preference, I wasn't referring to which gender I prefer to have sex with, but which gender I prefer to be in a relationship with.

I don't know which gender I would say is better sexually...it doesn't really matter because I'm with someone I love and am doing good in the sex department.

That was the point of the post.

[Tammy V]

It took me until I was 43, little over 2 years ago, to accept the fact that I am bisexual. However, I am only interested in "dating" men when I can be fem.