I don’t have to explain myself

[Frédérique]

[SIZE="2"]I don’t, really, but now and then it’s fun to try. I’ve been interrogated a few times in my life, always by someone with no point of reference in regards to crossdressing. To tell the truth, I enjoy playing with people's heads! There are so many questions, and these are some of my answers:

Why on Earth are you wearing THAT? What are you DOING?

I’m a crossdresser – have you ever seen one before? I prefer to wear this, mainly because I can, and I want to – we can go into a discussion about tactile sensibilities, but I can tell that would be a complete waste of time, judging by your bemused, judgemental look. It’s pointless to describe the pleasures I feel to someone who HASN’T had the pleasure. The feel of delicate fabric, the lovely smoothness of nylons over shaved legs, the hug of snug undergarments, the swing of a skirt (not to mention the feeling of air swirling around your legs), the dangling earrings gently banging against your neck, the smudge of lipstick on a teacup, the hair, the fragrance – shall I go on?

Are you some kind of pervert?

What is your definition of a pervert? Someone who doesn’t do what other people do, by choice, or someone who is out in left field in terms of morality? Again, a definition is required, since everyone has a different idea about perversion. I wasn’t bothering you before you found out I was a crossdresser, so I’m assuming you feel threatened by my alternative choices, no doubt originating from the same deep well of contempt you feel for all people who go against the grain of normalcy in some way. Actually, I don’t mind being called a pervert – I wear my perversions to let others know I’m different. I know one thing -- I would hate to be called “normal,” or, even worse, a conformist…

Are you gay?

Actually, I was doing just fine until you came along – oh, you mean am I a homosexual? I’m guessing you have something against homosexuals, you know, in the form of some prejudice that you picked up and embellished? Perhaps you’re trying to extinguish some desire by projecting your anger and frustration onto me instead? There are no easy answers, my dear, and I don’t feel motivated to discuss a private subject with someone who is insensitive, uncaring, or unsympathetic. In your case I’m making a blanket assessment, a generalization, something you can no doubt relate to. Just because I’m a crossdresser, it doesn’t automatically follow that I’m homosexual – that is largely a historical aspect to my chosen lifestyle that comes in the form of prejudicial baggage, even though I sometimes feel I'm on a one-person crusade to re-introduce effeminacy into the male persona. Nowadays the reality is more complex than you can fathom. Let’s just say I’m somewhere in the ballpark of human sexuality, but I’m not a paying customer. There’s not a big menu here on Earth, and you are allowed to experiment from time to time. Are you afraid of me?

Why weren’t you properly disciplined when you were growing up?

If you mean I wasn’t taken aside to have my mind scooped out, then replaced with the same generic brain matter all other non-alternative people carry around, well, you would be correct. I was very lucky. Rather than willingly throw away my precious individuality to meet some standard put forth by my peers, then get deposited in a pre-determined hole somewhere in the corporate landscape, I decided to wander around through life instead. It’s a beautiful view from where I’m standing – wish you were here. Actually, disregard that last remark. A funny thing happened on the way to the edge – I didn’t develop the hatreds others seem to enjoy wallowing in. Not to worry, though -- I’m an All-American girl/boy. Actually, I’m an All-World girl/boy, since crossdressing is universal…

Who put you up to this? Who corrupted you?

I wasn’t corrupted; I was enlightened through my perceptions at an early age. I found out everything on my own, so I harbor no guilt or shame because of my actions – when there’s nobody around to tell you something is “wrong,” you’re free to explore each new sensation as it comes along, and decide if it’s right (or not), based on your own judgement. It’s all about feelings, in my case, and this alternative gender awareness developed separately from other, more sexual explorations that are usually linked to crossdressing by proxy (or convenience)…

What do you have to say for yourself?

I’m saying it, but if you weren’t questioning me I wouldn’t say a thing. I’m being confronted by a person who has a very narrow, polarized view of humanity, reinforced by what is shown on TV, and then further reinforced by societal pressures thrust upon you each and every day. I feel sorry for you, since you’re on a treadmill (of your own making) in a very small room, facing a blank wall, trying to get ahead by not looking too far in any direction. Aren’t those blinders painful?

Do they have a name for what’s wrong with you?

From my perspective, nothing is wrong with me. Am I hurting you? Then stop hurting me with over-used words like “wrong,” used to describe YOUR view of how I must be. How arrogant, and how dare you assume that I have some problem that requires correcting? I wouldn’t say such a thing to you, out of courtesy, something I learned by following this other, gentler path. I didn’t need any help to squeegee my "third eye" clean, either – all I had to do was meet my true self and incorporate...

Do you wish to become a woman?

Not in my case – I am happy to have this level of gender integration, something I cultivate each and every day, something I cannot live without. For me, crossdressing is not a hobby, not an activity, not a compulsion, nor is it something to escape to. There’s not a woman trapped inside of me trying to get out, either -- She’s not inside me, she’s beside me, and I like the company. After all, it’s only “we,” you know. Needless to say, it’s very hard to explain if you don't know yourself...

I’ve been asked all of these questions, in regards to crossdressing, at one time or another, during my somewhat brief life. I combined several “interviews” into one thread for convenience…

Tell me – do you feel you have to explain yourself? [/SIZE]

[tiptop]

No you don't have to explain your self, but if you want people to understand then you will probably have to !

[StephanieC]

Well said!

[suchacutie]

I would say that I don't need to justify Tina's existence to anyone, except my wife. Tina clearly affects our relationship so I feel that my wife's input, feelings, emotions, and decisions are important...just as they are in any other aspect of our relationship. Since it was my wife who was instrumental in bringing Tina into the world, the justification part is a moot point, and devolves to a straightforward partnership of decisions about Tina.

As for the rest of the world...it's none of their business unless we wish to include them. If someone wishes enlightenment, I'm likely to be kind and informative. If someone's being a jerk (like some of the insensitive SAs I've read about here) I'd likely quickly make them feel embarrassed about their attitude. I remember getting some derision when I first started wearing an earring. It shocked me initially that people could possibly be so absurd. After all, what was it to them, and yet many people that had known me for a while felt threatened by MY earring! Insane, no? I made them face their fears, asking them directly why they felt threatened. That would always make them backpedal really fast.

So, isn't it everyone else that needs to explain what their problem is with our lifestyle?

tina

[Sarah Doepner]

I've had to respond to questions in the past. But dear Frédérique, you have dealt with it so well and with such eloquence that I'd be happy to use your words in the future. Thank you.

[Jodygurl]

Delightful reading. Very well said.

[linnea]

Thank you, Frederique. Your comments were a pleasure to read.

[Nicole Brown]

Your responses are delightful, wonderful and extremely well written, but they are also much too insightful for the ignorant individual who most often asks such questions. In my experiences, well intentioned people, or people who are truly interested in better understanding our chosen lifestyle make inquiries in a more subtle fashion. I have been approached by individuals who have asked, "Can I ask you something about yourself?" or " Can I ask you why you are dressed like that?" and I am fine with having a discussion and explaining to these people. However, anyone who approaches me and asks, "Are you gay?" or "Do they have a name for what’s wrong with you?" doesn't deserve a response yet alone an acknowledgment of their existence.

The old adage, do unto other...., truly applies in this instance. If people are polite and show a true interest in learning about you or your lifestyle, then I believe in spending time with this person and helping them to better understand. On the other hand, when I am approached by and ignorant, short sighted, narrow minded individual, I usually just ignore and avoid them.

[Jay Cee]

Thank you, Frederique. Not only are your answers helpful to questions others may have, but they are also helpful to the questions I have about myself. Being pretty new to this (as far as openly admitting to crossdressing), and having been brought up in a somewhat conservative environment, I sometimes doubt and fear the Pandora's box that I have opened.

Thanks again!

Jessie

[Kathryn Martin]

This is the best thread in a while Frederique, thank you.

I find it most interesting that those who I have been friends with and close to before I came out to them hardly seem to skip a beat except in their concern for Elizabeth. They don't because they have an experience of me that encompasses Kathryn without naming it.

The others, my only encounter in this regard was last week, where one of our PFlag members told me that Transgender - ism was something she had problems with understanding. That is as far as it has gone.

Subjectively, we need not explain ourselves at all. Objectively, most of us probably need not explain ourselves unless transitioning late in life and then the contrast will create confusion and requires explanation, however, not of ourselves but to illustrate answers to peoples questions. You realize, that the going scientific understanding is based on Ray Blanchards paper "the Concept of Autogynophilia and the Typology of Male Gender Dysphoria" which essentially classifies homosexual TG as the only valid form of dysphoria, while creating the type: Autogynephiliac which is desribed as someone who is sexually aroused or romantically involved with their image of them in womens clothing. The latter is classified as deviant behavior in DSM-5 and is considered a disorder. In one stroke he has regressed the advances of transgendered people by 15 years.

It is this type of bad research (and I don't want to kidnap your thread and question) that reflects the prejudices most people still have about us. For this reason I believe that we need to explain to those who have questions. Not explain ourselves but be compassionate in helping them find answers to their question.

Kathryn

[carhill2mn]

A very interesting and amusing post! Thank you!

[Bobbi Lynn]

Thank you,

[Frédérique]

You realize, that the going scientific understanding is based on Ray Blanchards paper "the Concept of Autogynophilia and the Typology of Male Gender Dysphoria" which essentially classifies homosexual TG as the only valid form of dysphoria, while creating the type: Autogynephiliac which is desribed as someone who is sexually aroused or romantically involved with their image of them in womens clothing. The latter is classified as deviant behavior in DSM-5 and is considered a disorder. In one stroke he has regressed the advances of transgendered people by 15 years.
It is this type of bad research (and I don't want to kidnap your thread and question) that reflects the prejudices most people still have about us.

[SIZE="2"]Oh, kidnap my thread all you want, my dear – in many ways I seek answers for things I already know. I just came across some terms (classifications) that are new to me, in a book I’m reading. I may try those out in another thread, as soon as I can wrap my head around them…

Actually, these “questions” I refer to rarely come in the form of questions. It’s more like:

You ARE a pervert. You ARE gay (or somebody MADE you gay). Something is WRONG with you. OMG, you want to BE a woman. You’re SICK. You need HELP, and on and on and on…

I was once confronted by a man who called me a “stinking” transvestite. Well, he got the terminology correct, but I assured him that I was clean as a whistle, within and without; in fact I bathed and dressed for my interrogation. He was not amused. Such is the case when you talk about the unexplainable to those who revel in sensory deprivation. I know who to avoid, but I bump into these individuals from time to time, male and female…

Another thing I’ve heard is “You’ve been near my children!” Not dressed AND near them, but near them, period, and the fact that I’m some kind of pervert (in the parent’s mind) is extremely unsettling to them. As a rule, the kids are more enlightened and curious, probably more informed and amused about things than their parents, but the stigma remains – this is very hard to deal with, and it feels like I’m being talked DOWN to in some way. How to explain to someone that I’m not a threat to their children? In this day and age the over-vigilant parents group me, the innocent CD, in with all other purveyors of predation. This has a lot to do with the secrecy I maintain, and it builds up over time, keeping me in the closet for fear of public disclosure. I honestly think a child would giggle at the notion of a harmless adult crossdresser, but there’s no way to prove it…

When I told my girlfriend about my crossdressing a few years ago, the first thing she asked me (after a pregnant pause), was “Do you want to be a woman?” Welcome to the unexplainable phenomenon of transvestism, my dear! Her biggest fear is that I was heading towards SRS sometime in the future, but I think she was voicing her own anxiety, namely “What have I gotten myself in to?” There was no way to adequately describe the feelings I had (and still have) – I got the impression I was somehow invading her feminine space, and she wasn’t listening to what I had to say, so I felt nothing but emptiness for years after. By all means ask your questions, but please handle me with care, OK? [/SIZE]

[DianeDeBris]

Dear Frederique -- Well, you've done it again! You have the superb ability to think through things we all run into and find rational, sensible insights into them -- and then you go further and express your insights so beautifully and elegantly -- thank you, thank you, thank you!! Hugs -- Diane

[Loretta]

Can...

Can I use these?

[Kathi Lake]

I second Diane's comments, my friend! I love the care that you have with not just ideas, but the words you use to express them. You truly are an artist, and I'm glad that one of your canvases is this forum here.

To answer your question, no - I don't ever feel that I have to explain myself. The phrase "explain yourself" just seems to have almost confrontational connotations to me. I don't have to explain myself to anyone! I'm me and they're not. Just like I maintain that I can never really feel what and how a woman feels - never having been one - I also feel that I can never know what it feels like to be a misogynistic, narrow-minded, judgmental ass. Not that that's my goal or anything, . . .



Kathi

[Patty B.]

Well spoken Frederique, thanks.