I'm simply posting out of frustration at the moment.
Although it's bothered me ever since I came out to myself, I've finally hit a point where I want to yell at the world, "Stop calling me 'she'!" It's likely because I'm trying to put myself out there and actually socialize, but I'm getting it a lot more than before either personally or by association. My one (ironically) LGBT professor says "she" when referring to FtMs, as does a pre-transition MtF I met the other day. I hear it on the street when passing by strangers*, when I have to barely interact with a cashier or like-person, with people I'm just meeting, and just plain when people slip up (and don't bother to correct themselves). And then to top it off, I come on here and still occasionally see somebody refer to me as a girl. It seems I honestly can't escape it unless I go back to as complete an isolation as humanely possible. Some get an unfortunate pass because they just don't know any better due to the estrogen I can't shave off on my own, but others simply seem to not care enough to get it right. Very few people, regardless of their identity, seem to care enough to get it right. This is beyond disheartening. It hence tells me that I'm respected very little by such people. And for what reason?
And with people that simply don't know any better, I still illogically want to yell at them, "Why can't you see it?! How in the hell are you seeing a female?!"
It's just wearing me down. I feel I'm getting it from all sides. I want to look male and yet I can't pull it off no matter how hard I try. I'm not fooling anyone and even if I could, when they find out I'm a transman as opposed to cis, it seems they'll revert to the "she." I want to take a shotgun to that word. It fills me with such a mental malaise whenever it's uttered, and it's been uttered quite a bit lately. I am not a goddamn female. And although I can't wait for T, I think it's pretty damn sad that that's my only chance at finally gaining some respect. Is respect still respect if it's blind?
*One street in particular gets such a joy out of harassing me that I've since changed my walking route entirely.