therapy?

[vanphair]

Has anyone ever thought about or actually gone to therapy related to your cd'ing? I was toying with the idea. I don't really want to stop, but I am thinking about going to better understanding of why I do it (curiousity more than anything), as well as to better accept my desires, especially for underdressing. It would be especially great if I could find someone who would work with me so that I could accept underdressing full time.

Any thoughts? If you have gone, did you go to a psychologist, psychiatrist, or even a "sexologist"?

[sandra-leigh]

Yes, there have been several threads about therapy in the last few weeks. There are a small number of people who say "Never trust anyone with your secret, not even a therapist"; and there are some who say "Therapy and psychiatry is quack pretending to science in order to rip you off"; and there are some who point out that military therapists might be required to pass information onwards -- but by far the greater majority say "Yes, absolutely, therapy has been very helpful!"

Therapy tends to get discussed in the Mental and Physical Health section, and in the Transsexual section, but it pops up most everywhere.

I do not remember reading of anyone going to a sexologist on this, but it would I suppose depend: if at present CD'ing is very sexual to you and that is presenting problems (e.g., if you now need to be dressed to "perform") then a sexologist might make sense. But for learning how to deal with it in your life, a therapist is usually appropriate. If at some point you are finding yourself wishing you could substantially CD rather than it being "an activity" then someone who specializes in "gender therapy" might be beneficial.

[Amanda22]

Hi, I went to therapy several years ago to help me cope with an issue I was having at the time. It worked for me. But CDing was not the topic of discussion. A couple of months ago, I wanted to resolve a lifelong feeling that something just wasn't right. I could not put my finger on it. I was always stressed about my job in spite of my boss giving me bonuses frequently for good performance. I would also harm myself physically as a form of relief from a life out of control. So I sought a female therapist in my knew area (different than the therapist I went to years ago). I specifically wanted to get counseling from a female since I consider myself a female inside, and have always related to women extremely well.

I want to stress that I did not seek therapy for understanding crossdressing (not that there's anything wrong with that!). I went in order to learn how to cope with job stress and to stop cutting and starving myself. I laugh about that now. I've carried the burden of secret crossdressing since childhood but thought that was somehow compartmentalized from the rest of my life. In a way, I'd learned to hide it from myself in addition to everyone else. My therapist is so good. She and I found that the root of my stress, hopelessness, and self-harm was being caused by living a life that really wasn't me. The "me" being the authentic, crossdressing self. She helped me learn to not only accept that I've always been a crossdresser/transgendered and always will be, but to fully embrace it. Like magic, I did!

Guess what happened then? My desire to harm myself vanished. My workload is bigger than ever, but I manage it easily. I don't have the nightly horrific (seriously disturbing) nightmares any more. Not a one. I came out to my beautiful wife who had already seen major change in me and she has gone from being "accepting or tolerant" of crossdressing, to being actively involved, encouraging her girl Amanda to get dressed up.

I know this was a long reply, but I want to encourage you to seek therapy. For me, honoring my authentic self solved all my other issues. I hope this helps!

[Karren H]

Paying someone to tell you something that can't be answered just amazes me... No one knows exactly "Why". But let's say theoretically that someone actually knew why (which if you read the previous line you will know can't happen) but let's say ok... You crossdress because your mother was abducted by aliens!! There. Now what? Feel any different? Did I make a difference going forward? Can you quit? If by pursuing something that first can't be answered (see above statement if you need further clarification) and secondly make absolutely no difference in your life going forward... When it didn't add value to your life and you wasted precious time you could have been doing stuff like crossdressing or even solving world peace (little miss america wave)..

Imho...

Ps. I made up the alien thing so disregard that..

[GaleWarning]

Spend enough time in this site and you will soon find your niche on the CD<->TG spectrum.
You may also find out why you dress ... you will certainly find out those aspects of CDing, which do not apply to you.
This is a good place.
And the new-found knowledge and understanding is freely available!

[Amanda22]

At least for me, the question wasn't "why do I do it", but rather "how do I come to terms with it". I see the OP mentioned the word "why", and I agree that's certainly a question without an answer.

[Nicki S]

I don't think she was just referring to asking a therapist why she cross-dresses. I do believe that there are many other issues associated with dressing and that having the advice of a professional, who is familiar with CD'ing would be of great help.

So to answer her question. Yes, I am going tomorrow to speak with one. Strictly about CD.

[vanphair]

To answer your questions, I think the why would be more along the lines of is it a reflection or curiousity, comfort, desire, or some other issue lingering in the brain. But yes, ultimately I would love to figure out a way to come to terms with it - accept it and not feel any guilt or questions when I do it. And certainly not feel any shame or discomfort if I go shopping or underdress regularly.

And as for "sexologist", I'm not even sure what that means other than the descriptions on their websites I see are for people who try to work with patients to understand sexual issues and gain comfort with them. Seems kinda applicable here.

[Ruth]

Just to take up the point in Karren's post, it's quite unlikely that a reputable therapist will try to tell you why you CD, but much more likely you will get something like what Mandy got - an insight into who you are, and an acceptance of your CDing nature, freedom from guilt, peace of mind, and intangible stuff like that.
Sorry Karren but I think you are looking at therapy the wrong way.

[MelodyS.]

I go through phases, there are times I want to go to therapy to try to understand, but then there are times where I am content with never knowing the answer to why, but just go with it because it feels right to do so.

I think to go to therapy is just a way to vent and/or let someone know how you feel at that time. I think if you have a good friend that will listen and be a great advice giver, not only will you save money, but also accomplish what you went to the therapist for as well. That's just my opionon though, I could be wrong.

[GaleWarning]

At least for me, the question wasn't "why do I do it", but rather "how do I come to terms with it". I see the OP mentioned the word "why", and I agree that's certainly a question without an answer.

For me, finding out via this forum that I was simply a CDer did a lot to enable me to gain self-acceptance.

[Amanda22]

but much more likely you will get something like what Mandy got - an insight into who you are, and an acceptance of your CDing nature, freedom from guilt, peace of mind, and intangible stuff like that.

Thanks, Ruth, you said it better than I did.

[CalamityJane]

I thought about going for a short while, as you say to gain a understanding of why I CD, but I thought about it for a bit longer and considered that it would be lost cause. I concluded that it would be very unlikely for anyone to have an answer to why I CD as I have been doing it from such an early age I cannot see what outside influence could be the root cause, thus I figure its just the way I'm meant to be, and as time has passed by I don't feel the need for answers to these questions, I'm just happy with who I am and what I am.

[Hope]

When I get to heaven (and lets all just assume for a moment that there is someplace as delightful and fun as Heaven) the first thing I am going to ask God is why she made people such that the more in need of therapy they are, the more resistant to it they become. It is truly an unfair paradox.

To answer the OP's question - yes, lots and lots and lots of people here have gone to see a therapist about this. It is a wise thing to do, particularly if it is bothering you. My recommendation is always to find a therapist with a PhD or a PsyD, I avoid masters level therapists, but that is my own bias. There are lots of methods to use to find a good therapist, ask your family doctor, your pastor (provided you attend a pretty liberal church) or a friend you know who goes to therapy... You don't have to tell them why you are going, just ask them about who is good in the area. You won't necessarily want to go to that person, but that gives you a good source of information - call them up, or email them if you are shy, and ask them which therapists in the are work with transgender folks, and go to that person. Otherwise you can contact your local GLBT organization, and they will almost certainly have a list of providers they can give to you, you can check the website if you are afraid of actually going into a GLBT center. Or you can consult your health insurance' list of providers (provided that you are one of the anointed ones with health insurance). You may want to do that and cross reference your previous choice with your approved providers list unless you are willing / able to pay out of pocket. Personally I would suggest paying out of pocket for a good therapist who has experience with gender issues rather than using my insurance and not getting the care I need - but that again is my bias.

[Mary Morgan]

My own experience is that going to therapy to simply have an outlet may be valuable. Neither of the therapists I had were well schooled in transgender issues, including crossdressing, etc. Neither was judgmentasl and neither tried to "cure" me. In the end, I left therapy because I wasgetting little out of it, other than of course having a place to talk about my needs. In the end, the answers will come from you, and the answers will not likely be the ones you were expecting at the beginning. Frankly, this forum provides all that you need but you must cull through all of it and reach your own conclusions. In my case, therapy was really for my partner, and she would probably tell you to save your money.

[tanyalynn51]

I am one of those who recently started a thread about therapy recently. I think its a good idea, but then, to be fair, there are two things with me that may not apply with others. I need help with just who I am. If you are secure in who you are, and have some kind of network- this site served for me, but I couldnt crawl into my computer and live. I needed to talk face to face with someone. Its true today was only my second session, but as someone who does counselling on a limited basis myself, I feel she is doing right, and is helping me. the second thing where I am concerned is that I dont have to worry about paying- I have insurance that covers it all. But, whatever we all say, you have to make your own decision.

[Olivia2]

It is a wise thing to do, particularly if it is bothering you. My recommendation is always to find a therapist with a PhD or a PsyD, I avoid masters level therapists, but that is my own bias.

I agree with the first sentence but disagree with the second. In my life I have had therapy with a LCSW, a couple of PhD psychologists, an MD Psychiatrist and a Marriage and Family Therapist. The P's are not necessarily any better than the non P's. It really depends on the individual therapist and the therapeutic relationship you are able to develop with the therapist.

Sex therapists, frequently members of AASECT (American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (google it for therapists in your area) are usually trained to deal with a variety of sexually related issues. However, except for one, the therapists that I have seen have not been specifically trained in sex or gender related therapy, but many, nonetheless, have helped me gain more awareness and acceptance for who I am. If you can find someone with whom you are comfortable opening up, and they are not incompetent, you will likely get some benefit from therapy.

As mentioned, ask others for recommendations and/or interview them on the phone. Some will even grant a short visit for free as an interview to see if you both are a fit. Sometimes, they don't think they are a good fit for you-works both ways. This forum is indeed helpful but for some, including me, it is not enough to help with all my life issues. Good luck.

[Karren H]

.
Sorry Karren but I think you are looking at therapy the wrong way.

Actually not looking at it the wrong way... Not looking at it at all!! Lol.

Therapist are like consultants... You pay them to tell you what you want to hear and if they don't. You go find a new one that will!!

[Ruby John]

I went to a therapist a few times for stress problems not CDing and claimed it on my insurance. A year later I was trying to get new insurance and found out I could not because they said I had mental health problems. Go but pay in cash and leave no record. Ruby

[Sophie86]

I went to therapy in my late twenties to get help with a variety of issues. Crossdressing wasn't the main one, but it was on the list. I found it very helpful to be able to talk to someone about it. I was totally in the closet at that time. My therapist was very accepting. He seemed to take it for granted that it was something I should allow myself to do. His supportive attitude helped me to put it in perspective. At the time, I was looking for the answer to 'why' also. I've found a lot of candidates over the years, but nothing that definitively explains why I like to do what I do. As Karen says, it wouldn't matter, but therapy can still be a worthwhile thing, if you get the right person.

[Tima]

Has anyone ever thought about or actually gone to therapy related to your cd'ing? I was toying with the idea. I don't really want to stop, but I am thinking about going to better understanding of why I do it (curiousity more than anything), as well as to better accept my desires, especially for underdressing. It would be especially great if I could find someone who would work with me so that I could accept underdressing full time.

[SIZE="2"]My parents, specifically my mother, want me to go to a therapist, but I don’t believe anything would come of it. From what I’ve read, I get the feeling many professional people don’t really understand the nature of crossdressing, or transgendered behavior in general. I think I could educate the therapist on a few things, but how do you sit down and talk to someone who feels you have a problem? Why is correction necessary? I don’t think I have a problem, and being here reinforces that opinion. Look around. There are many well-adjusted crossdressers of all ages who manage to carry on fairly normal lives. I feel I can do the same, if they give me half a chance to prove it. I don’t expect things to be easy, but I think I can handle it. I don’t need anyone messing with my head! I dress because I like to, and I don’t want to stop.
[/SIZE]

[Amanda22]

Well, I didn't walk into my therapist's office with a wad of money to have her tell me what I wanted to hear! I've heard several things in therapy that I didn't want to hear, but thankfully I recognized that it was helpful for me to grow. It is hurtful to read a comment like the one above saying that one goes to a therapist to hear what they want to hear. Several years ago, I was on the doorstep of suicide, loaded .38 in hand. As a last resort I visited a therapist. I credit that person with helping save my life.

A good therapist's goal is to help you as quickly as possible so that you don't need them anymore. I'm positive there are bad ones out there, as there are bad auto mechanics or any other profession. Negative statements about any group of people such as therapists is another example of the very thing we as crossdressers have to endure by those that don't like/understand us.

Therapy isn't for everyone. I go to one currently and have found it immensely helpful. My purpose is not to "get cured" or to explain "why" I crossdress. Most people see therapists in order to develop a better understanding of themselves and to develop "tools" to deal with situations that act as triggers to their own negative behavior. It is like having a coach to teach you how to deal with things. I don't think anyone here is saying that therapy is for everyone. Perhaps I'm the only person in history that has been genuinely helped by therapy.

[suzy1]

Actually not looking at it the wrong way... Not looking at it at all!! Lol.

Therapist are like consultants... You pay them to tell you what you want to hear and if they don't. You go find a new one that will!!

Karren, your such a sceptic, such a realist, such a normal well balanced person living in the real world.
Nice to know I’m not the only one.

SUZY

[Jill]

I am a young, budding Masters level therapist. I love my work and I love my field, I'm extremely passionate about it. We therapists have a tough go sometimes, a lot of people went to bad therapists, had a bad experience and then lump as all together as useless money grubbers. In the therapy world there seems to be a general disconnect between being personally healthy and helping others become healthy, especially amongst the unhealthy therapists. They honestly have NO idea that if they really want to help people better their lives, they need to fix their own. I know therapists that are unstable who have lives that are total messes and yet they expect to help others fix their lives. If you had a mechanic that couldn't fix their own car, would you pay them to fix yours? If you pick a good therapist then you may be surprised, they may be able to give you some perspective and help you come to grips with some things.

[sandra-leigh]

Therapist are like consultants... You pay them to tell you what you want to hear and if they don't. You go find a new one that will!!

My wife and I went to a couples therapist last year, with my CD'ing being one of the issues. By the second session, the therapist was saying that the CD'ing was quite low priority, and the therapist instead pointed pretty bluntly to a fundamental issue between my wife and I, something that neither my wife nor I were pleased to hear but which had to be dealt with before anything else.

I've been a consultant, and I've told the people who contracted me things they didn't want to hear: it would have been professionally negligent of me to tell them that everything was going to be all right when it obviously was not going to be.

From what I’ve read, I get the feeling many professional people don’t really understand the nature of crossdressing, or transgendered behavior in general. I think I could educate the therapist on a few things, but how do you sit down and talk to someone who feels you have a problem?

My individual therapist might not viscerally understand the nature of cross-dressing or of transgendered behavior, but she has never considered it to be a "problem" in itself. What I want to do about it, how I deal with my relationship taking it in to account, how I deal with the public taking it in to account: those are things we talk about. Never once has she suggested that the cross-dressing itself was a problem. But if, for example, I withdraw into cross-dressing and distance myself from my wife in so doing -- that's a problem.

There are many well-adjusted crossdressers of all ages who manage to carry on fairly normal lives. I feel I can do the same, if they give me half a chance to prove it.

Tima, the implication of that statement is you consider cross-dressing something that someone has to give you permission to do. Therapy is good for helping you give yourself permission to be what you want to be, and for learning how to assertively but non-aggressively deal with people who try to stop you. A therapist doesn't have to "understand" cross-dressing to do this: they often deal with people who want to live differently than they have been living.