Dressing and Divorce

[Trystan]

Has anyone divorced because of the "need" to dress that resides within us? I think it may have been the root cause of my failed marriage of 25+ years..... and to top it off , the divorce has left me broke , so i cant buy any clothes....bummer

[GaleWarning]

I do not believe that dressing, per se, is ever the root cause of a divorce.
Always, there are other issues ... the dressing is either the given excuse for the blow-up or merely a contributing factor.
Look elsewhere in your marriage relationship.
Dig deep ... sometimes the root cause is well hidden.
Finally, don't beat yourself up over it. Move on.

[Lucy_Bella]

You are absolutly correct IMHO Clayfish, I use to think my dressing was the root cause for my marriage troubles... Funny thing is...I never dressed in front of her through our whole marriage ,I did before we were married but she didn't like it so I did what little I could do in private... Looking back what destroyed my marriage was her cheating !! Then she used my dressing as an excuse , just as you mentioned Clayfish..

Now I am sooooooo much better off leaving her behind , yes , don't get me wrong it hurt and being lonley didn't help but I can honestly say I would never get back with my wife and I feel I am a much better person now because of the B.S. she put me through and useing my dressing for all of it was just wrong..!!

[MichelleL]

I do not believe that dressing, per se, is ever the root cause of a divorce.
Always, there are other issues ... the dressing is either the given excuse for the blow-up or merely a contributing factor.
Look elsewhere in your marriage relationship.
Dig deep ... sometimes the root cause is well hidden.
Finally, don't beat yourself up over it. Move on.

I agree completely, Clayfish. In my experience, poor communication is usually one of the root causes.

[AKAMichelle]

cd'ing isn't the root cause of my divorce but it was a contributing factor. I think most of the divorces are for other reasons.

[Julogden]

I do not believe that dressing, per se, is ever the root cause of a divorce.
Always, there are other issues ... the dressing is either the given excuse for the blow-up or merely a contributing factor.
Look elsewhere in your marriage relationship.
Dig deep ... sometimes the root cause is well hidden.
Finally, don't beat yourself up over it. Move on.

I would respectfully disagree with that. Some wives can never tolerate a CD husband. I know from experience. There was plenty of communication on my part, I told my wife prior to getting married and had to quit dressing in order to stay together. I was 21, very much in love, didn't want to hurt her, and didn't know myself well yet, so I agreed to stop dressing. I went cold turkey for a couple years, and finally realized that it wasn't going to work for me. I tried and tried to get her to discuss things to try and work things out, but that was the end. She wanted nothing to do with discussing what I was going through and there was no compromise. I was more than willing to work out a compromise in order to help her deal with her feelings about me being a CD. In the end, she walked, nothing that I could do would have stopped her.

Carol

[sandra-leigh]

You might want to scroll down to just below the message area and find the portion marked "Tags" and click on the link marked "divorce" there, to be shown a number of other messages about divorce, some of which discuss causes.

[Lucy_Bella]

I would respectfully disagree with that. Some wives can never tolerate a CD husband. I know from experience. There was plenty of communication on my part, I told hmy wife prior to getting married and had to quit dressing in order to stay together. I was 21, very much in love, didn't want to hurt her, and didn't know myself well yet, so I agreed to stop dressing. I went cold turkey for a couple years, and finally realized that it wasn't going to work for me. I tried and tried to get her to discuss things to try and work things out, but that was the end. She wanted nothing to do with discussing what I was going through and there was no compromise. I was more than willing to work out a compromise in order to help her deal with her feelings about me being a CD. In the end, she walked, nothing that I could do would have stopped her.

Carol

I must respectfully disagree ..No it's not the clothing it's... the demeaner behind the clothing..

[RADER]

My first wife divorced me after 9 years of marriage, mostly because I would ware girdles under dressing.
I met My second wife, 12 years later, and exposed her to dressing before I asked her for her Hand in
marriage, She knew going in, and allows me to dress, as long as it stays in the house. Under dressing
is OK as long as it is not noticeable. Rader

[Ellenor]

I don't think that it was the root cause but as so many of the girls have already said, probably better than I can, It may seem to be the lightning rod so to speak but there are usually other relationship causes also. I was married for close to 30 years -- I had started cding when i was 11 or 12 -- so just maybe I would of been a good candidate for a sex change -- but I too had to hide this -- completely from my wife - when I tried to share with her she claimed it was the "dark side" of sex controling me. Oh well. My divorce has not been good money wise either and being alone is not what I want...

[docrobbysherry]

I would respectfully disagree with that. Some wives can never tolerate a CD husband. I know from experience. There was plenty of communication on my part, I told hmy wife prior to getting married and had to quit dressing in order to stay together. I was 21, very much in love, didn't want to hurt her, and didn't know myself well yet, so I agreed to stop dressing. I went cold turkey for a couple years, and finally realized that it wasn't going to work for me. I tried and tried to get her to discuss things to try and work things out, but that was the end. She wanted nothing to do with discussing what I was going through and there was no compromise. I was more than willing to work out a compromise in order to help her deal with her feelings about me being a CD. In the end, she walked, nothing that I could do would have stopped her.
Carol

ANYONE, in this day and age, that gets married at 21, starts out with 2 STRIKES ON THEM!

Statistically, Carol, if u NEVER so much as tried on a pair of panties during your married years, you'd most likely have gotten divorced anyway!

My divorce also had NOTHING to do with CDing! When the affection and sex stop, folks just DON'T stay together like they did back in the day!

[GaleWarning]

I would respectfully disagree with that. Some wives can never tolerate a CD husband. I know from experience. There was plenty of communication on my part, I told my wife prior to getting married and had to quit dressing in order to stay together. I was 21, very much in love, didn't want to hurt her, and didn't know myself well yet, so I agreed to stop dressing. I went cold turkey for a couple years, and finally realized that it wasn't going to work for me. I tried and tried to get her to discuss things to try and work things out, but that was the end. She wanted nothing to do with discussing what I was going through and there was no compromise. I was more than willing to work out a compromise in order to help her deal with her feelings about me being a CD. In the end, she walked, nothing that I could do would have stopped her.

Carol

Let us step back for a moment and take stock ...
This thread started with a question, "Has anyone experienced a divorce in which crossdressing was the root cause?" (I have paraphrased it slightly.)
I expressed the opinion that crossdressing, per se, is never the root cause and that there are always other factors involved, which are not always entirely obvious.
I have re-read Carol's posts.
She has stated that she has always been willing to compromise on the issue, and her wife not.
This point of view is the one which contains a flaw.
Had Carol been prepared to compromise, she would have done as so many of us on this site have done ... quit crossdressing for many years until the kids left home.
But she could only go cold turkey for a couple of years.
The counsellor tried to get Carol's wife to accept the she is a CDer (see a later post) but she refused to.
I wonder two things ...
(a) Did the counsellor try to get Carol to modify her own stance in any way? Perhaps Carol will enlighten us.
(b) Why was Carol's wife unable to modify her position? If we can shed some light on this question, perhaps we will be able to clear the present impasse and understand the situation better.

[My own divorce certainly had some elements of Carol's situation in it ... my wife refused even to go to a counsellor ... but there were other reasons for her refusal to open her life to scrutiny ... I'll leave it at that.]

[NicoleScott]

This thread started with a question, "Has anyone experienced a divorce in which crossdressing was the root cause?" (I have paraphrased it slightly.)
I expressed the opinion that crossdressing, per se, is never the root cause and that there are always other factors involved, which are not always entirely obvious.
I have re-read Carol's posts.
She has stated that she has always been willing to compromise on the issue, and her wife not.
This point of view is the one which contains a flaw.
Had Carol been prepared to compromise, she would have done as so many of us on this site have done ... quit crossdressing for many years until the kids left home.

Where's the compromise here? For the sake of the kids, he quits crossdressing. After the kids leave, he starts, and she divorces him because she still can't tolerate a crossdressing husband. But it was for the kids. Where's her part of the compromise?

Clayfish, several here have stated that their marriage ended because of crossdressing as the root cause. Why must you still deny?

[Julogden]

Let us step back for a moment and take stock ...
This thread started with a question, "Has anyone experienced a divorce in which crossdressing was the root cause?" (I have paraphrased it slightly.)
I expressed the opinion that crossdressing, per se, is never the root cause and that there are always other factors involved, which are not always entirely obvious.
I have re-read Carol's posts.
She has stated that she has always been willing to compromise on the issue, and her wife not.
This point of view is the one which contains a flaw.
Had Carol been prepared to compromise, she would have done as so many of us on this site have done ... quit crossdressing for many years until the kids left home.
But she could only go cold turkey for a couple of years.
The counsellor tried to get Carol's wife to accept the she is a CDer (see a later post) but she refused to.
I wonder two things ...
(a) Did the counsellor try to get Carol to modify her own stance in any way? Perhaps Carol will enlighten us.
(b) Why was Carol's wife unable to modify her position? If we can shed some light on this question, perhaps we will be able to clear the present impasse and understand the situation better.

[My own divorce certainly had some elements of Carol's situation in it ... my wife refused even to go to a counsellor ... but there were other reasons for her refusal to open her life to scrutiny ... I'll leave it at that.]

I've said all that I have to say. I know what happened in my marriage, as I have gone over things many times since they occurred 35 years ago. You two can keep on impressing yourselves with how incredibly knowledgeable you are about the marriages of people you've never met.

Carol

[Lucy_Bella]

This is to the wise ones here who keep making comments about others opinions rather than letting it go.. First of all , did you tell your wives of the crossdressing desire you had prior to meeting or marriage? Did you start crossdressing long after you were married for the first time? That would be to me the only root cause in reference to cding.

Did you tell your wife you would stop? after learning she didn't approve. Did you hide your dressing from your wife with or her knowing you were a cder?

I find it hard to believe that women are that shallow to dump you for being just a cder and if so maybe you were doomed from the start. Crossdressing has no known cause but we all know it's something we have the overwhelming urge to do. Could it be possiable that you mis lead your wives about the subject in hand ( even from the start) ? That you wasn't clear enough and she wasn't educated enough about men who CD?

You just don't understand and accept that it wasn't CDing that ended the marriage as a whole and trust me I thought the same as you did I thought Cding ended my marriage. But I learned it wasn't it was me and the fact I didn't accept it myself. By doing that I never understood that it's a slow process and a unselfish act to get a loved one to understanding although some will never fully be accepting

Maybe someday you wise ones will learn too, that it wasn't the cding it was you and how you handled your cding. After all lets give the exes some credit they didn't run after you told them before marriage right? To say it was Cding is just an easy out take a look at what else was going on.. I agree the cding didn't help but it's hard to believe that it was the only factor. Not saying that it wasn't just saying it's hard to believe anything is possiable.

But what do I know ? I am just an ARROGANT A** HOLE KNOW IT ALL EXPERT..

[GaleWarning]

I've said all that I have to say. I know what happened in my marriage, as I have gone over things many times since they occurred 35 years ago. You two can keep on impressing yourselves with how incredibly knowledgeable you are about the marriages of people you've never met.

Carol

And now we know why Carol's wife up and left ... Carol would not engage, instead chose to laugh ... and so this benignly arrogant person is going to emulate Carol's wife.
Good bye Carol.

[Satrana]

I do not believe that dressing, per se, is ever the root cause of a divorce.

I think that is naive to say it is never the root cause. There are undoubtedly some women for whom CDing is such an abomination that it is an automatic divorce. In the same way some people consider cheating to be cause for an automatic divorce. Some people do draw a line in the sand and stick to their principles.

I would agree that these women are a small minority but they definitely do exist. In most situations however the effect the CDing has on the relationship is a mixture of how the CD behaves and how transgendered he is and how open minded the SO is. If the issue is not resolved amicably then it festers and puts intolerable strain on the relationship aiding in its destruction.
In my estimation of the hundreds of divorces reported here in this forum, half say it was a contributing factor, the other half say it was not.

At the end of the day as you say move on. If your wife divorces you either wholly or partly because of the CDing then clearly she was not the right partner for you. Everyone is flawed. A good relationship lasts because the couples' flaws do not match up which results in a magnification of the issue.

[Josey]

Everyone's responce has merit. I feel sad those who experienced separations due "in part" to their CDing had to be an agenda item in the divorce but we all must move on. There are many women out there who can cope with one CDing because marriage isn't just about one thing in a relationship. Just my humble belief.

[sometimes_miss]

I do not believe that dressing, per se, is ever the root cause of a divorce.

Wow are you so wrong. The day my wife found out about my crossdressing was the beginning of the end. Of course it starts with "I don't even know who you really are!". Then of course the accusations of lying, suspicians of homosexuality, but it's the sudden image of her 'man' no longer being the masculine person she was attracted to, or rather the realization that he never was the masculine man she thought she was attracted to, and now that attraction is broken into pieces. And, once the sexual attraction is gone, it's the beginning of the end. Then you can add on little stuff, which all couples argue over, but it's often the sudden loss of her belief that you are her reliable protector, provider, strong person to lean on, etc. that kills the relationship, because now you are viewed with suspicians of unreliability, unfaithfulness, weakness (not only for not being 'the man', but for not having the strength of will to resist doing something that would obviously embarrass, disappoint and disgrace her). Basically her husband has become just another female friend, and she already has those. What she wants, and wanted, was a masculine man, and she'll never see you as that again, the image she has of you will always be someone who's broken.

[joanieb]

Trystan, I was basically divoced because I was a crossdresser. But the divorce was bigger then the fact that I was a crossdreser. The biggest problem is that my ex was not, for all intent and purpose in it for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health until death do us part, (the actual vows she took, not so seriously). If you were to speak with her now, she would say it was because we were married at 21, too young in her mind, mind you, there was no pregnancy, and we accepted our love, she knew that I was a crossdresser before she married me, and still did. She blames our divorce to our age, I blame our divorce to her mental ability to deal with life at any age. The fact that I crossdressed gave her an out. She'd hope it would sway our friends to thinking she was valid in her dicision. To this day, I have hung on to the friends we had. She has hung onto the bar rail at the local watering hole.

Truths have their way, absolutely.

[NicoleScott]

Sure, there are mariages that end for a combination of reasons other than crossdressing. But the simple truth is that some wives cannot tolerate a crossdressing husband, as Carol said. My first marriage ended for that reason only. You may believe otherwise, but I know.

[Lucy_Bella]

No... I am sorry but it wasn't ...just crossdressing?...I mean sure it's easy to say..Yeah thats it ..But no it's not.. In fact I am willing to bet if it was just crossdressing that only the marriage would still be intact,.. First it is the sterotype ( mis understanding of crossdressing as a whole ) way of thinking.. Right? Then once you out yourself whats the first queston? I mean come on people really, it's just clothing to us isn't it? Because thats what crossdresing is wearing clothing of the sex you wear not born as and assigned by soceity..

But we know what it is deep inside ..for some anyways ( me included ) That's to not have the nads to defend yourself once the secret is out!! For most if it's just crossdressing then why did we not hang it up?.. Because it is called being Transgendered you can't!! Your wife has that choice even if she accepted it from the beggining . It's called life but even more important is how yo expressed it and yourself ..Crossdressing may have had a part to do with it depending on the relationship and how it was brought about but ..No , it's hard to believe that was the only reason..

[Julogden]

No... I am sorry but it wasn't ...just crossdressing?...I mean sure it's easy to say..Yeah thats it ..But no it's not.. In fact I am willing to bet if it was just crossdressing that only the marriage would still be intact,.. First it is the sterotype ( mis understanding of crossdressing as a whole ) way of thinking.. Right? Then once you out yourself whats the first queston? I mean come on people really, it's just clothing to us isn't it? Because thats what crossdresing is wearing clothing of the sex you wear not born as and assigned by soceity..

But we know what it is deep inside ..for some anyways ( me included ) That's to not have the nads to defend yourself once the secret is out!! For most if it's just crossdressing then why did we not hang it up?.. Because it is called being Transgendered you can't!! Your wife has that choice even if she accepted it from the beggining . It's called life but even more important is how yo expressed it and yourself ..Crossdressing may have had a part to do with it depending on the relationship and how it was brought about but ..No , it's hard to believe that was the only reason..

Dear, you are certainly welcome to your opinion, but you did not live my experience, you were not there. I know very well what happened in my marriage.

Carol

[Lucy_Bella]

Juleo, Thanks for the polite way of letting me know this.. I am not out for a pissing match over this subject so please don't get me wrong.Who knows maybe I might learn something .. I guess we should define Crossdressing..

Crossdressing = Wearing an artical/articals of clothing meant for the sex you where not born as .. This does not include Wigs , makeup or any other non natural material that enhances the appearance to emulate the sex you where not born as.. IE .. To use these enhancements is not only Crossdressing it excells above and beyond that desire to feel femme. It passes any means of "I do it because I enjoy the way the clothing feels on me".. To do this act is to satisfy the desire of being the sex I should have been born as..

Yes most of us start as mere Crossdressers and in the end most of us become Trangender.. Is ths the same as Crossdressing? Yes one in the same but a cut above in the Gender spectrume. So in saying it was because of my Crossdressing ..Yes maybe you are correct because thats where all of it starts.. Couldn't be because your desires have grown and you wanted to explore more of your femme side , Right? But it could be that if your wife didn't like it from the start she sure as hell wasn't going to like the person who was supressing the urges to blossom..
Now for me, and I know we are all different I hide that growth and sucked in that growth.. Maybe it was I that drove my wife away.. Just a thought..

Like I said everyone is different..

[GaleWarning]

Dear, you are certainly welcome to your opinion, but you did not live my experience, you were not there. I know very well what happened in my marriage.

Carol

The irrisistable force met the immovable object and something gave way.