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Thread: Dressing and Divorce

  1. #51
    Banned Read only Satrana's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sophie86 View Post
    That strikes at the foundation of everything the woman wants out of life.
    I agree very much with your analysis, I have always said that some women feel they need a "real" man since it adds value to their life so will not accept anything less. It is like thinking you have teamed up with a dragon only for it to turn into a poodle. It is really an issue of sexist stereotyping but irregardless it is the psychological impact on her change or perception of her husband that makes some women walk away. The facts on the ground are irrelevant to these people.

    Sure, but the social rules against necrophilia have a very different basis from the ones regarding gender roles.
    But to some people a male crossdresser is just as wierd and disturbing. In many countries in the world and even in the West until very recently, a CD in public could be arrested and jailed. The point I was attempting to make is that there certainly are things which will result in an automatic divorce and some people will include crossdressing on that list.

    CDing being the root cause of a divorce is a very real occurance but fortunately not that common and usually the chances are overblown by the paranoia of the CD.

  2. #52
    the happy camper
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    Quote Originally Posted by Satrana View Post
    The point I was attempting to make is that there certainly are things which will result in an automatic divorce and some people will include crossdressing on that list.
    I don't disagree. I was trying hard to understand Lucy's point, and I think I ended up going in a different direction from her. It's true that there are a complex web of issues surrounding the act itself, but I can't agree with her that there are not women in the world who will simply dig in their heels and refuse to try to understand or accept it. We can't put the entire responsibility for the wife's attitude on the husband.

    Quote Originally Posted by Hope View Post
    Way to equate cross-dressing with necrophilia. Not Not NOT OK.
    I think you missed her point. She was saying that that's how some people react to it, not how they ought to react.


    Sure... everyone wants acceptance. Everyone wants their children and friends to be successful. Everyone wants a safe place to live. But why would anyone think that they can have acceptance, or success, or safety when they deny those things to others? Particularly when they deny those things to the people they claim are most important in their lives?
    That's a good question, but I wasn't describing how people ought to react, I was just saying that I understand the reaction. I think what such a person would say is: "It's not that I am denying him acceptance. That's just how the world is. I don't want to be stood up against the wall with him, and I don't want my children to suffer for him." It's cowardice, sure, but I understand it.
    Last edited by Tamara Croft; 09-28-2010 at 03:36 PM. Reason: use the edit button, multiposting is not allowed

  3. #53
    Gold Member NicoleScott's Avatar
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    Satrana, you made your point with your analogy only for those who understand analogies, and obviously some don't. A is to B as C is to D does not compare A to C nor B to D. It compares the RELATIONSHIP of A to B with the RELATIONSHIP of C to D. So it is not comparing crossdressing with necrophilia, but the reaction that some people have to necrophilia to the reaction to crossdressing: it creeps some people out. Some of us got your point. Sorry that some missed it.
    Last edited by NicoleScott; 09-27-2010 at 10:52 AM. Reason: typo

  4. #54
    Platinum Member Shelly Preston's Avatar
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    Only those who were there during any divorce will know the reasons for it

    For some it can take lots of little reasons building up before they decide on divorce

    It the case of some women it can be a single reason

    I am sure each divorce is unique and painful


    [SIZE="2"]Please do not say anyone is wrong when giving there reasons for their divorce

    Who are we to say they are not correct[/SIZE]
    Shelly

    Super Moderator....How to tell your partner......Abbreviations

  5. #55
    My name is Carol Julogden's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by clayfish View Post
    And now we know why Carol's wife up and left ... Carol would not engage, instead chose to laugh ... and so this benignly arrogant person is going to emulate Carol's wife.
    Good bye Carol.
    What a cheap shot. You've succeeded with your arrogance (not benign in the least) in getting another response from me.

    I worked VERY hard to make my marriage work, and was more than willing to go way past halfway in order to come to a workable solution to our differences over crossdressing, but my wife would not bend even a little. She abandoned the marriage because she couldn't have her way 100% when it came to my crossdressing issues.

    You, on the other hand, I owe only the respect that I offer any stranger, but you have now shown that my respect is not warranted. I really don't have to explain all the little details of why my marriage failed other than it failed due to crossdressing.

    Carol
    My name is Carol.

  6. #56
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    Hey now , lets hold on a moment........when I posed this question I did not mean to have anyone end up being disparaged by any comments. I said that I thought it was the root cause of my divorce.......my root cause, not necessarily hers. The cross dressing issue lies with the crossdresser, not with the spouse or the SO. There were perhaps several other reasons that added to the divorce, but for me the need and desire to dress created an atmosphere of uncomfortableness that I could no longer stand.

    There a million reasons and stories in the naked city, to paraphrase, and I was only asking if others had a similar thought to my situation. The truth is that one cannot ever know about another till they have walked in the others shoes. My apologies to anyone who may have taken umbrage with comments posted by another, as that was certainly not my intent.

  7. #57
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    Quote Originally Posted by NicoleScott View Post
    And yet, Carol, there are those who say you are wrong, that they know better than you what happened to your marriage. Seems a bit arrogant, don't you think?
    I'm not sure anyone has said they know what happened in any one particular persons Marriage. Or who is right or wrong. Disagreements don't mean the person I disagree with is wrong, it just means I see things differently than they do for many valid reasons. I believe that people are here for others opinions. I like coming to forums, as it's always best to hear others opinions whether I agree or disagree. These opinions come from their experiences and observations, some of which I may not have had or considered. Of course the opinions of others can be wrong when applied to different person. Their situation is specific to them. I believe most who've offered their opinions have done so with sincerity and the desire to share similarly or have a contrasting opinion heard so that others can read them and choose for themselves what others have done and experienced so as to formulate some kind of idea. To have this idea as to impliment what they should (n't)/ could (n't) do if faced with similar situations now or in the future.

    Isn't this what forums like this are for? To say someone is arrogant because they have a different opinion, or share a different set of circumstances, doesn't provide anyone with anything they can build from. And often causes the attacks to soon follow. The only way that I know as to whether I should stand with my opinion or not, is to hear those who oppose it. Or the numbers who support it when I'm in doubt of myself. If someone can offer me something that will add to my opinion or deter from it, I will take it in and make my own personal decision. Calling me or anyone else arrogant, simply for having an opinion, isn’t (imho) very tolerant. Especially when those opinions are only an attempt to discourage the stereotypes that often exist because of a personal or group bias.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sophie86 View Post
    That's just how the world is. I don't want to be stood up against the wall with him, and I don't want my children to suffer for him." It's cowardice, sure, but I understand it.
    This is often the basis of my discussions with my wife. For her there are a multitude of rights and wrongs that surround my Cross Dressing (transgenderism). Her primary issue is safety. She doesn't want to be confronted by ignorance when in public that could cause us harm. Next is her ego. She doesn't want to be placed by others into a box that is not her (Be that, a lesbian or someone hanging with a weirdo). Next is protection. She doesn't want her son to be effected by ridicule. She doesn't want me to be the subject of ridicule. She doesn't want her nest to be upset by an unknown. This is my wife, and this is what I love and do for her by the compromisses we have made together. Other wives might have a similar reaction. They may have a disimilar reaction. And often the reactions are very much out of cowardice. There really aren't that many people willing to put themselves, their reputations, their careers, their families on the line for something that is "percieved" as a pervece abnormality in society. I also am not saying that these actions are right, nor in the specific are they wrong. All of a persons contributions, trials and tribulations result in the success or failure of a relationship. A person has a right to say, "No, this is not what I expected in my life, there for I will take action to remove it from my life." That isn't the only rational, and that isn't the only reasons people and relationships can't work. But it is one and one that is very popular. And that is just the way it is in some cases.

    The only answers that I have to change any of this to a more possitive future for all of us is that when we can, we try to live life with the highest integrity possible so that the stereotype of gender conflicted people changes from a perverce abnormality to something more substantial and viable in our society. Only when that happens hearts won't be broken.
    Last edited by Tamara Croft; 09-28-2010 at 03:35 PM. Reason: use the edit button, multiposting is not allowed

  8. #58
    Banned Read only Satrana's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by NicoleScott View Post
    Satrana, you made your point with your analogy only for those who understand analogies
    Thank you Nicolle and Sophie for pointing out what I thought was pretty obvious. And to make it clear the reason why I had to use something more extreme like necrophilia is because we CDs are already living an alternative lifestyle so we usually are very accepting of other alternative lifestyles. Comparing ourselves to something equally harmless does not give you the sense of disgust some people do feel towards CDs.

    In fact if you read the reports of wives initially being told of crossdressing, from time to time a really bad reaction is reported where the wife screams obscenities, describes her disgust at the depravity of the idea and sometimes vomiting occurs. Not exactly how people react to a harmless alternative lifestyle. We must recognise the depth of feelings some people have to our behavior even though we believe it to be unwarranted and irrational. Add in close mindedness and you have the perfect reciepe for divorce.

  9. #59
    AKA Lexi sometimes_miss's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by clayfish View Post
    I do not believe that dressing, per se, is ever the root cause of a divorce.
    Wow are you so wrong. The day my wife found out about my crossdressing was the beginning of the end. Of course it starts with "I don't even know who you really are!". Then of course the accusations of lying, suspicians of homosexuality, but it's the sudden image of her 'man' no longer being the masculine person she was attracted to, or rather the realization that he never was the masculine man she thought she was attracted to, and now that attraction is broken into pieces. And, once the sexual attraction is gone, it's the beginning of the end. Then you can add on little stuff, which all couples argue over, but it's often the sudden loss of her belief that you are her reliable protector, provider, strong person to lean on, etc. that kills the relationship, because now you are viewed with suspicians of unreliability, unfaithfulness, weakness (not only for not being 'the man', but for not having the strength of will to resist doing something that would obviously embarrass, disappoint and disgrace her). Basically her husband has become just another female friend, and she already has those. What she wants, and wanted, was a masculine man, and she'll never see you as that again, the image she has of you will always be someone who's broken.
    Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
    There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
    Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.

  10. #60
    AKA Lexi sometimes_miss's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by NylonMan View Post
    In fact i hear a lot of women talking in groups about how they would like to dress thier man up in thier clothes.
    Ummm...what groups are those????
    Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
    There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
    Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.

  11. #61
    Gold Member Alice Torn's Avatar
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    Must be on Venus!

  12. #62
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    It appears that most people are missing what the OP said in the start of the thread..It wasn't that her wife didn't know from the start of the marriage and she never accepted the dressing but still married..
    Its fine to think that crossdressing ended you marriage and if you think that then it's a selfish thought within it's self. There is a fine line between crossdressing and acceptance level ..Are we not crossdressing and being accepted from the start? Did you expand your desires past the acceptance level and your wife could no longer live with that?

    There are soooo many different senerios that can be used to say that croosdressing was the root cause and there are sooo many that can say it wasn't ..In Clayfish's defence the original OP for this thread before it was expanded TO EACH AND EVERYONE of us, was she Knew about his dressing prior to marriage from the start..So where was the rest of the story??

    *** My mistake the OP did not mention that she clued the wife in on her dressing desires prior to marriage **
    So more of crossdressing as a root cause left out..

    Is that so hard to take? Sorry I know everyone has a story and we have scars to bare , but why start expanding something because from what was said to prove nothing other than we don't agree on everything?
    I do not!! Claim to be an expert on any topic, when I post a new thread or reply on any thread my imput is strickly that of a crossdresser. Not to offend Gay people , Transexuals or any other life style, I am only commenting on one of my own.

  13. #63
    The 100th sheep GaleWarning's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sometimes_miss View Post
    Ummm...what groups are those????
    Funny you should ask, Lexi ...
    On Tuesday, Shesa and I were out in the local mall, looking for a dress she plans to wear to a family wedding next weekend.
    She and one of the SAs had a friendly discussion about getting a dress for me, too.


    Lucy_Bella, thank you for your words in my defense.

  14. #64
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    i am a spouse of a crossdresser and yes it can be the cause of a divorce if my husband acted on his issues still while i was around we would not be together anymore.

  15. #65
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    Yes it definitely is a root cause but there are other seeds, i.e loss of potency, just being bored with each other and finally bitcheyness. We both got financially ok and got separate houses and away we went. But I must insist that being in my VS bra and trucare forms 24/7 has been liberating.

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