Is it common for SO's to flip flop on how they feel about you dressing?
My wife did sort of a flip flop on me Sunday night. Last week she thought I was cute in panties and she took me shopping for them. On Sunday I came to bed in the panties I had on for the day. She said, "Jesus Christ, can't you wear boys underwear at least once in a while". I haven't worn panties since. I felt embarrassed, ashamed and stupid at that point. Now I'm confused and not wanting to dress in anything but boy clothes around her.
Tracy
As far as I'm aware this is quite a common issue which many SOs go through at some point.
I don't feel that I'm in a fantastic place to offer my own experiences on this matter, however I'll point you in the direction of an awesome thread which may help you understand and cope a little better. Now I like it, now I don't
Last edited by Stitch; 10-05-2010 at 04:19 AM.
I may not be perfect, but parts of me are pretty awesome!
Complete Geek and Girl gamer.
I believe I can help on this one. Most wifes that accept or are trying to accept CD husbands. Need a place away from the cd'ing. It is very common for that to be the bedroom and in bed. Please talk to her and find out what her needs are and were her space is. Then just don't dress at that time or place. It is not really flip flop she still loves you and accepts just needs some space from it.
All I can say is welcome to my world.
Trying to figure out which days she's okay with Shari and which days she isn't has become more difficult than anything else I deal with these days.
I wish I could tell you the answer to that question.
That means I would have it too.
I think it is a matter of her thinking that you are perhaps going overboard on her. It's one thing to accept it, but to see it to much is pushing the envelope on her acceptance. All things in moderation. I think you have to show her that you are still the man she married. This usually happens when a wife is newly accepting...or trying to accept and the husband gets caught up in the pink fog and pushes by dressing in something feminine all the time in front of her. It just pushes them away. Slow down and let her set the pace. Don't push it on her. Not saying this is your situation, but the flip flop from excessive feminine display is very common.
Ah, the winds of change. Women are wonderful beings, but they do have a tendency to change their minds often, and be somewhat moody at times. Their hormone levels changing is the biggest reason for this. I can only tell you the way I have handled it with my wife of 28 years, and that is to try to understand, and put yourself in her heels, and be kind to her. Above all, never lose those open lines of communication with her. Best of luck to you.
Erickka
Remember, it's common for CD's to flip flop while trying to find self-acceptance - ie. purging? How much more your SO who gets nothing from it.Originally Posted by crashd0309
Be thankful and show your thankfullness to her for trying. Let her have her feelings when she doesn't feel accepting. You are probably very sensitive to her every expression and likely can take things wrong. Do not go overboard when you think she doesn't feel acceptance and then refuse to dress entirely yourself, cutting your own nose to spite hers. That is a negative tactic that gets you nowhere.
Ask her when and where and how you can dress in ways that she would be more comfortable. What hurt my first marriage was that we did not work out boundries and groundrules that helps a couple in a commited relationship feel safer with each other.
You sound like you have a SO who is willing to work with you, so be willing to work with her too and try to empathize with her some. I wish you both the best.Joni
Joni
"Yes, to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free" Bob Dylan
Its well documented that the acceptance recoil can take your head off if you aren't expecting it. Guess its lucky for me my wife never swings too far into the exceptance side.
thank you all for your great advice. the article referenced in post 2 was extremely helpful.
Tracy
It is very common. My wife's level of acceptance has been a roller coaster over the seven years that she has known that I was a CDer. We have had a very tender moments where she's bought me little feminine gifts and told me that knowing my secret has brought us closer together to very loud screaming fits where's she's threatened to walk away from the whole thing. I have learned that the best way to proceed is to negotiate a set of clear boundaries with her (e.g., you will only wear panties three times a week, or when you're having a romantic night you'll always wear male underwear for her). Then stay within these boundaries religiously until both of you have agreed to a change (and don't try to move these boundaries too quickly!). Also try to get tuned into her mood. Don't present her with crossdressing if she's having a really bad day. She may be holding in certain fears and reservations, so tell her that it's okay for her to say on any given night, "I'd prefer if you didn't dress now." But if she doesn't say it, try to sense when it might be one of those nights.
My wife and I have been working on this for a year now. I really don't think that hormones, or that women having the right to change their mind has a whole lot to do with this. I feel that the greatest problem is that crossdressing has been with you for a long time, and as much as it is a part of you, it has not been a part of her understanding of who you are for very long. She is afraid of where this will end. She is having to rewrite the book on who her husband is in her mind. Quite possibly, and more than likely, she is having to mourn the loss of her husband. See, while we see us as the same person she sees us as two distinct individuals. It can be scary for her to see this woman and hear her husband's voice. It has to be a great struggle for her to reconcile both of these personas of you into one person. And what will be left of you after deconstructing the male persona. Will I still be the same person she married or a completely different person? So, considering all the things that my wife has to think about I can understand fully why one moment she is for it and the next she can be against it. ( I know this does not follow everyones situation this is mine and I hope something can be gleaned from it for others)
Last edited by Anne Elizabeth; 10-05-2010 at 10:24 PM. Reason: clarity
[SIZE="4"]Think Katy Perry "Hot N Cold" ... that's what is going on inside.
Welcome to my world ... I wish you the best![/SIZE]
[SIZE="3"]Daenna[/SIZE]
It is very common with mine to the point it is just easier to crawl to the back of the closet when she is around, She discovered
my dressing and I should have came out to her before marriage but in all honesty the only difference is we probably would not have gotten married.
I find the closet very accepting though it never screams at me.
Staying in the closet isn't so bad as long as you know why your in there.
This type of behavior is akin to saying "good dog" to your pet and then kicking him with a smile on your face.
Since joining this forum I have been faced with looking at this question from a different perspective . Before having come here I had not given much thought to female to male transgenderism. Now however I have been asking myself , "What if the shoe was on the other foot?" What if I was just happy being a guy married to a woman who suddenly decided to share with me her desire to portray a masculine image , all the time. How would I react?
Even if you were okay with it , wouldn't you wish that sometimes she would just be the girl you married?
Who knows , maybe if there is more openness from the start about how we all feel , the "f to m" people could hook up with "m to f" people and we could all live happily ever after. And war and famine would become a thing of the past and unicorns would roam the earth and.........sorry I must be dreaming.
Sometimes we need to think of "Walking a mile in her shoes" as a metaphor.
Spot on what if the shoe was on the other foot?
Its easy to say we would be accepting but would we.
Staying in the closet isn't so bad as long as you know why your in there.
We "wonderful beings" do not always change our minds often nor do we all have the stereotypical hormonal mood swings. We just get sick to death of those of you who are selfish and would sometimes like a conversation that doesn't revolve around you and your crossdressing.
We are your partners, not some hormonal sap who needs to be placated or patted on the head because it might be "that time of the month."
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
I know from my own personal experince that a your SO needs some time to adjust towards your crossdressing. I know how it feel one minite she will buy something sexy and the next day you put it on and yell at you like you a perv or something but give her time and space she will come along soon enoughlike mine did even it like 25 yrs but she will come along. I found out one thing don't push the issue let her have her spacce and just keep it to yourself for now just keep loving her
For me it's been a combination of a lot of the things people have already said.
I've only been out to my wife for about a month now (even though she knew for more than 2 years without telling me). At first I just spilled my guts and kind of overwhelmed her. I figured that out (with her help and by reading a bunch of threads here), and we agreed to set limits. Here's what we've agreed to so far:
No CD'ing in the marriage bed. I can sleep in whatever I choose if all we're doing is sleeping. 99% of the time I sleep in guy stuff, and since I work midnights 4x per week I can sleep in my girl stuff when she's at work.
She works from home sometimes, and one day a week I can CD with her in the house if I choose to. Again, some of those days I spend sleeping, but it's an option.
She comes home for lunch on Fridays and I can dress then as well. Either of us can nix the CD'ing on these days, but she can only do it 2 out of 3 times and not more than 2 in a row. (ie if she were to say no 2x at the last 2 weeks of September she couldn't nix the first week of October on the grounds that it's a new month).
I can underdress as much or as little as I choose.
No CD'ing if my daughter is awake, but I can dress after her bedtime in our bedroom with the door locked as long as my wife is still up.
I can shave my legs if I want. She doesn't care for it, but she rarely shaves hers (which I don't care for but tolerate) and figures fair is fair.
We can talk about it as we feel we want to, but if she tells me enough then we take a break for a while.
No borrowing anything without asking.
That's pretty much it.
I've told her my 10 year plan is to attend fantasia fair in PTown enfemme with her. She thinks she can live with that. She's also agreed to help me with makeup at some point in the as yet undefined future.
That's what's worked for us so far. I think it works because we both talked about it with a desire to compromise and each give and take as much as we could. Our marriage works for us because I think we communicate pretty well most of the time.
Good luck with your situation.
I don't recall ever doing the flip-flop in regards to my husband's CDing, but he doesn't do it all the time. If he did, I would have to ask that he give me occasional quality time in drab. Even the most accepting SOs usually have thresholds.
My wife is very supportive and hasn't suggested she wants to impose limitations such as X times per week being dressed. My approach is to try to prevent her from needing to do that. I don't want her to feel forced to manage something that she perceives to be out of control.
I make sure she has lots of quality time with me when I'm in "guy" clothes. Although I'd like to discuss clothes 24/7, I make darned sure I talk about anything else, just as we did before I came out of the closet two months ago. I try really hard to do two things:
- Make sure a large portion of our quality time together happens with me in male mode. Some weeks, this is easily the majority of our time together. Other weeks, it's less and probably around half and half.
- When I'm dressed in front of my wife, I make extra efforts to give her attention and focus. This isn't hard for me to do, and she definitely notices.
My goal is to ensure that from my wife's perspective, crossdressing is a non-threatening and fun aspect of the person she married, and not a huge issue that's been forced into the marriage and she is pressured to corral.
I think it is our responsibility to manage it so our SO's don't feel like they have to. Of course, if we receive boundaries, then we need to respect those requests and at least discuss them, but I don't think it is fair to go hog wild and dress 24/7 and make crossdressing the topic of every conversation. That is just my opinion.
Yes, it's not uncommon.... My ex wife certainly did. I think sometimes we are given an inch and take a mile. Finding balance between your fem-self and the mad your wife married can be daunting... IMHO
[QUOTE=Alicia_lynn419;2283475] Finding balance between your fem-self and the man your wife married can be daunting... IMHO
[QUOTE=Elizabeth D;2283257]We just get sick to death of those of you who are selfish and would sometimes like a conversation that doesn't revolve around you and your crossdressing.
[QUOTE=Jonnie;2283242] "What if the shoe was on the other foot?" What if I was just happy being a guy married to a woman who suddenly decided to share with me her desire to portray a masculine image , all the time. How would I react?
Sometimes we need to think of "Walking a mile in her shoes" as a metaphor.
[SIZE="4"]These are all excellent responses ... my post overlooked these wisdoms ...[/SIZE]
[SIZE="4"]Sorry ...[/SIZE]
[SIZE="3"]Daenna[/SIZE]
My wife has never met Tash, and never wants to, but does acknowledge her existance. I always play within my wifes rules (which are perfectly suitable to me) so I think that helps a lot. She does, however, have varying tolerance or acceptance levels from day to day.
Most days she'll kind of be OK with it, as in a resigned acceptance kinda way, especially if she wants to wear one of my skirts lol. If I have a day off when she's at work she'll sometimes ask if I went out etc and be ..... well, not happy that it happens, but wanting to know anyway.
Other times, although very seldom, the frustration will burst through and she'll have a bit of a hissy fit and then she's OK again.
There are two times a man does'nt understand a woman, before marriage and after marriage!
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
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