Divine Decision(aimed both FTM, MTF)

[DanteDonovan]

I have a few questions, and it involves everyone. FTM, MTF, CD'rs

Before you think "oh god not again" when you start reading, I PROMISE you that it's not just "what made you want to be male/female".

OK here we go ^^

First, the what made you want to be" question is a little bit useless for everyone, since everyone on both sides always have the same answer of "I didn't choose, it's how I was born" So I don't see anything to be learned from another with that. Even the comments weren't very fulfilling, because lets face it, how much do we really have to say about something so seemingly obvious in a forum like this.

So, I wanted to try to up it for everyone, something we could learn from each of us, and perhaps have more understandings of things.

The way I see it, my question is not "what made you decide?", but what was that defining moment in your life that the realization came to you of this was who you truly were? and I already know the "I wanted barbies/gi joes. I wore/like mens/womens clothes, when I was young I was trying to potty the "wrong" way" etc. Yeah, we got that-the basics.

What I'm really interested in, is the moment of your mature mental stage, when you were learning of things of this nature, made you realize it was who you truly were, and decide to go the final step into acceptance of yourself. We all know of the motions we had done/still doing were specific to a particular gender, but what were your emotions when doing this? and I'm not talking about how you were depressed you weren't them blah blah.

So, when did that divine moment of awakening happen? When curling your hair, thoughts that suddenly came you realized wasn't just you being a CD'er. Were you lying in bed at night, mind just wandering on random things that suddenly led you to that area of thought and analyzing, or maybe having conversation with a friend and something that you/they said suddenly affected you in a way it shouldn't have.

What made you suddenly see that you were more than just a cross dresser. A drag queen/king. A butch. A tomboy. A man in touch with his feminine side. A woman who just didn't have the typical "girly" qualities and skirts and lipstick just weren't her thing.

The mind blowing time of "After these things happened, I now realize I'm none of these...I'm transgender...wow"

And for the CD'rs, what made you come to the conclusion that you were just a cross dresser and not transgender. (I've always been really curious there) :3

I just think it's fascinating to learn the different aspects of different people, and how there are so many ways that led us to the same destination.

[Steph.TS]

before I joined this site I had the typical crossdressing at an early age, but I had to stop because of my religious parents, as my mom explained a few weeks ago they thought I was gay or something when they found out I was wearing women's clothing...

anyways there is this beautiful woman at my work, and wears such wonderful clothes that I found myself jealous, wishing I could wear those kind of things, and the desire to crossdress started again, I resisted for months, eventually I joined this site, and bought some stuff from VS online, after that there was a holiday monday, I went into La Senza when they opened, and bought more panties, however I didn't want to just wear women's panties/bralette.

I started looking online at dresses, and other clothes, and I saw these women that had breasts that could fill out shirts, dresses etc... I started asking on here for help on this topic, wanting simply HRT, when one person I asked told me that I wouldn't want to be a man with boobs as it would make make feel like an outcast, men would tease me about them etc... I dug deeper thought it about more asked myself is it right for me to be a man or woman, I had a memory of when I was young that bothered me most of my life (especially when I CD or want to become a woman) of when I was about 4, and wondering what it would have been like if I was a woman.

well with my researching online, I found out that that's a common occurrence among TS and I want to wear fem clothing without the bulge, I started thinking about other things, wanting to be beautiful, I wanted to see myself as sexy, not as some guy. after months of thinking, and more thinking I went into forever 21 and bought my first dress a maxi dress, I rushed home and wore it once I got home. the moment I wore it I felt beautiful, if I had a feminized body that dress would have been great I think, well the next week (2 days ago) I bought another dress, a pair of leggings, 2 sleepshirts (wearing one now) and a pair of shapewear panties. next week I think I'll buy more shapewear, and some make up.

now to answer the question (sorry for being so wordy) I wanted to be a woman since I started researching and asking myself if I should be a man or a woman, but when I wore that dress, I felt feminine for the first time. All my life I'm a man, raised as a male, look in the mirror, and I see a male, hear myself speak I hear a man's voice, and my identity as a result has been male. I think most men who would wear any kind of dress would feel silly, wrong or embarrassed to see themselves in a dress, but I felt like a woman for the first time. then when I look at my reflection and saw my beard while wear the dress, I felt like an ugly woman. if I could movie to another province, or country, transition to a woman, without my family scaring me with religious thoughts or guilty, I think I could be happy as a woman, really happy.

[CharleneT]

This is a good question, or a good way to ask the common questions... anyway, for me - I think - the "ah ha" moment was meeting a MTF TS who was living full time. I spent a day and a half with her, I learned a lot. This was about 10 years ago and I suddenly came to the realization that I too could do this - that I did not have to just live a life of lies. I started to research things and was very surprised by what I found. Up to that point I never felt I could make the change. A combination of fear and truly not understanding how well the hormones and surgeries could work ! As a kid, somewhere along the way, my parent instilled in me the very firm belief that a sex change operation would not result in anything that was "realistic". As well, that those who tried became miserable partial humans. . . .

[Alice B]

Very good question that made me have to think a lot about it. I think it was many years ago when I was dating my now wife. We asked each other what fantasy's we had and I told her that I wanted her to dress me, with nylons, bra and panties and make up. She got into it, did so and we had a lot of fun with it. Then for years it sort of grew in my mind, but was pushed back. Then a few years ago I let it out and the rest is history. It involved a lot of discussion with my wife, adjustments by both of us and now Alice is open and she gives me the freedom I need to express myself. I am much older than most here and am a work in progress, but very happy with who I am.

[GaleWarning]

Of course, I wondered whether or not I was gay ... so when an opportunity arose to test the waters, I did.
I quickly discovered that I was not gay (let's leave it at that!).

Next, I wondered how far I really wanted to go, as far as being female was concerned ...
Because there are so many different aspects to this issue, there were several "aha" moments ...
To name a few ...
Meeting a f/t MtF in a mall, she en femme, me in drab ... apart from being amazed at how well she passed, it did not do anything for me.
Meeting and living with T and shesa ... both allowed me a lot of freedom to dress how and when I wanted ...
And finally, and most importantly, joining CD.com ... reading widely ... realising where on the CD <-> TS I am ...

The way forward?
To try to figure out how to help others on this forum come to a speedy and less painful realisation of who they are.

[AnonyMouse]

My female identity was like an exoskeleton that was growing too tight. I was being more and more myself - wearing masculine attire and identifying as bi-gendered and more of a gay dude than a woman - and it was starting to chafe and crack. But I still expected to go on being female. What else was I to do? Transition and live my life as a man? What could that possibly do for me?

I started hanging out on another forum, one that has a rich LGBT community. Being bisexual and identifying as genderqueer, I figured it would be good for me to start hanging out there. There are a lot of trans people there, and they had supplied some links to sites about various issues for people to learn about.

I wanted to learn more about myself, mainly - but also about gender in general, because I didn't know a lot about that facet of humanity. The weird thing was, as I went on reading, I found that I was learning less about other people and more about myself. Things from my past - things that I'd ignored and buried time and time again - popped up. I started remembering all the frustration and angst and jealousy... yadda.

I read the Gender Questions page at All Mixed Up, and then I sat down with a notebook and went through the whole sheet. At the end, though I didn't necessarily want to admit it, I think I knew I was trans.

The most memorable moment for me would be when I learned what gender dysphoria is. It was at that point that my entire life started to make sense, and I realized that every other female-bodied person did not feel the way I did about my body. That was when I knew that I was more than just a very butch woman - and that I would never be able to live as one for the remainder of my life.

[Rianna Humble]

I'm not sure if I can point to one moment. I've always known I wasn't a typical bloke - I even pushed away the love of my life in my 20s because I couldn't see myself in the husband role and I felt she deserved better. That was a bitter pill to swallow.

By the time that I joined this site, I already knew that occasionally wearing women's clothing wasn't enough for me and I had started looking on my working day clothes as being the cross-dressing. I had a long weekend away from home where I only went drab for the 8 hours in the office each day and started to realise that this was who I am, but I still had doubts. It was around this time that putting on Drabs began to nauseate me literally.

At last year's staff Xmas party a GG asked me why I wasn't wearing a dress - she only suspected that I was "different" but it made me think clearly about what I wanted out of life. I came out at work as transgender, but even then couldn't dress full time until I began officially to transition which was not a possibility for me until this summer.

I have long been known as a champion of women's rights - even when I was in complete denial - I wasn't doing it for selfish reasons but because I knew deep down it was right.

So I'm not sure if I had an actual epiphany, more a series of progressions over the last 18 months.

[CdChloe]

I decided when I was about 10-12 I got curious as to how it would feel and snuck out a pair of stockings, putting them on and the feel of them under my normal clothes was great and from that moment on I was hooked.

[Faith_G]

I knew for sure I was TS after meeting and talking with some trans women. I knew within 10 minutes that I was one of them, I just hadn't admitted it yet.

I decided to transition on a Sunday night a couple weeks after that. I was cleaning off nail polish and I couldn't stop crying, it hurt so bad to go back to being a guy for work on Monday. I realized I could not keep living that way, it was making me miserable and things had to change.

[Areyan]

i finally figured this out around a month ago... there had been a few clues over the years for me - i had seriously blocked out the pain from my youth of knowing that i wasn't born a male. my ex partner's transition from male to female made it hard for me as well because in all my research on transgendered people i kept having lightbulb moments and memories about my own early dysphoria. and of course, it would have seemed ironic and like total bs to most people in my life for me to come out straight after she did. i even did research on the possibility of it being a really sad and debilitating mental disorder because of my affinity with LGBT folks and the idea that it could be "catching"... much like hysteria can be contagious.

i didn't want to believe i was part of this in a more personal way, it was hard to look at. i actually couldn't look at my issues properly until my partner and i split up and she moved out a few weeks ago. we had a similar split just over a year ago and this was the beginning of my identity crisis. i went through almost an entire year of losing my identity in my mind and trying to figure out why i was going through such an un-nameable pain before the light went on. i also had lesbian-type sexual encounters over this time that increased my body dysphoria. two things contributed to the final moment of realisation happening when it did - the people in my life had been pushing me for a long time to look at ME and what i wanted out of life, and i was on my period at the time.

memories of my early life surfaced and the pain at not being the same on the outside as who i was in my mind have come to life again. i spent a few weeks holed up in my room on my computer researching, reading, losing sleep and talking to others before i could finally give this disturbance a name. at the moment of accepting myself for this i experienced gender euphoria for the first time since i was a child. i think i would have been reluctant to believe it had i not experienced this self-loving feeling. i have taken to wearing all of the man-clothing my ex left here and though i'm a bit big for some of it, it helps to be able to wear even just a masculine shirt some days. i fantasize all the time about presenting my true self to others and i had a hell of an evening last night going out in my girl clothes. thanks for the support, Amy - the evening was fine, i was not.

err... have to add... most of the time i feel so damn good about this. it's not always depressing, no... since i came to acceptance of this most of the time i'm feeling calm and a bit more at peace with ME.

my blog link in my signature pretty much tells my whole story.

[Marcia Blue]

[SIZE="3"]This really is a great thread. I am a MTF crossdresser.
When I was about 5 years old and started to play with makeup and shortly after girls clothes. I wondered when I would wake up a girl. I soon came to the realization that people did not change from boys to girls over night.
I was very happy with this understanding, till I reached my early teens. Then I started to question my gender/sexuality. By the time I was 16 I had come to the conclusion, I was not gay. I was really attracted to girls and not guys. I still wondered why I loved to dress as a girl, act as a girl, try to feel like a girl. I had inner conflicts about this issue for decades.
In 1996 I was connected to the Internet for the first time. Late at night when the house was quiet, I would go looking for information about transvestites. I found out I was not the only one with these feelings and I soon came to identify as more or less as a crossdresser.
I wondered about being TS, but the feeling was not over whelming to be a girl, but to emulated a women. I finally totally accepted, I was a crossdresser in 1998. I loved dressing as a women, but I really love my guy side. I can fix your car, house, boat, and build, from my own plans, things you could not imagine, drink like and be one of the boys. I also love to get all dressed up and go out showing off my feminine side, and giggle with the girls.
The actual defining moment I am unsure of, I have come to this conclusion after 39 years of being me. It took till I was 50 years old, to tell my wonderful wife, and finally go out.[/SIZE]

[Veronica_Jean]

Dante,

I apologize for my reply, because it is somewhat an answer you said you did not want to receive, but this is my moment.

When I was about 9 we had a cub scouts costume party for Halloween. My mom dressed me as a girl. It was while at the party I realized that this was why I felt out of place and strange, but didn't have the maturity to know why. I then spent most of my time over the decades trying to convince myself I wasn't trans.

I spent my teen years trying to decide if I was gay, but that didn't fit. Through my 20's I was too afraid to admit it, although deep down I always knew. During my second marriage when I was caught cross-dressing I played the game with a psychiatrist. He asked if I felt like I was a woman in a man's body I answered no. He never asked if I felt like a man in a man's body, which I would have also replied no. He eventually declared me cured.

In my early 40's I went away from my family to live with a dominatrix for a time. I cross dressed often, and kept hoping to be forced to live as a woman forever. That didn't happen and as I was driving home in the snow, decided that I really should just stop trying to be what I knew I wasn't. I had to face myself and simply accept that I was trans (MTF in my case) and should simply stop trying to deny it, hide from it, etc. When I returned to my family, I talked to my wife and told her this was real and was never going away and would never change. We decided that somehow we would find a way to deal with it. (I almost took my life at this point)

Finally some 11 years after that I have transitioned and I am living full time.

To answer your question it was in a gym at my grade school when I was 9 years old. The rest was simply finding a way to accept the realization of that day.

Veronica

[DanteDonovan]

Dante,

I apologize for my reply, because it is somewhat an answer you said you did not want to receive, but this is my moment....

Veronica

Oh no no, this was great! I just meant that those reasons(in thread given) had better not have been the only things someone would put for them. Basically, I didn't won't those couple things to be someone's end all be all of reasons. I wanted to seek out emotional avenues as well. Which, yours shows<333

I am so happy that so many are participating. It's amazing to see so many different sides-some things I never thought about either.