Why not!

[Jocelyn Quivers]

As a proud member of the second category I will list my reasons.

1. Per the wife and family-no going out in public.
2. Per my own standards. I am not ready. Granted I can look good in still photos but my overall presentation, voice, mannerisms etc. is still years from being perfected. I also am not ready to be clocked by 100% of the people that I would come in contact with, and having to deal with possible negative situations. So for me at least I've come to accept and have no problems with my life in the closet. The closet is good.

[jessica renee]

Mine is an interesting situation. I don't have a SO, so no problems there. I do, however have two roommates, who have two young children. My roommates do not know about Jessica, so I do not dress about the house except for in the basement where my room is. I have been out on several occasions however, and am getting more comfortable with it. I'm still worried about friends and family finding out however, because I don't know how many of them would accept this part of me. When I do go out I don't as a rule wear skirts or dresses, but rather pants or jeans. It's just part of my comfort zone. So I guess you could say I am kinda in between the two groups, and I'm happy there.

[Sophie_C]

We have two camps on this forum,

Those who wear skirts, dresses etc and leave their houses etc and let the world see them.

Those who wear skirts, dresses etc and stay in their houses etc and hides.

For those in the second category, the first category have shown the way, shown the fact that the world does not care what you wear, so what is stopping those in the second category joining those in the first, surely you still don't really believe that you can't do it because society says you can't.

What is really keeping you behind closed doors?

I am transgender, not transvestite, and the process of that, generally destroys people's lives. Most all people lose their jobs, most of their friends and family and all of the things they hold dear to themselves. There are exceptions to the rule, and if you are self-employed with little family, it's not nearly as bad, but I don't want to go there.

If I was simply a transvetite, I'd consider compatmentalizing it and just being eccentric about it all, but given the situation, I will keep things as they are...

[txrobinm]

I was closeted for many years in respect for my (now ex) wife. It was an amazingly lonely time. I felt totally alone and isolated, I couldn't speak of this with her (due her reaction, despite her knowing since before the marriage, hence the eventual divorce), or with anyone else in my immediate area. Some old college friends knew, but they were far away and I had lost contact with them, or they with me over the years.

Now I'm selectively out. Most of my CD friends and allies are 30 miles away from my work friends, and they are 2 different social groups. Basically I work in one town, party in the other, and reside in between. This is a metropolitan area, with about 6 million people in 4 counties, roughly the same population as the entire state of Alabama. That's a lot of people to be anonymous in. Those who know me well, but who don't know of Robin, would probably not be at all surprised.

Eventually, the pain of the loneliness of hiding (and the implied shame that goes with it) drove me to seek out others like me. For a year I went to support group meetings, and for the past year I've been part of CD social groups that go out. I've been careful, avoiding places where drunk men (especially young ones) hang out, I'm almost always a part of a group, don't drink myself while out, and generally act the way I should.

The trouble is, in large part, societal. Until we, as a group, go out en masse en femme, in a decent and 'blending' way, society will continue to think we are perverts and need counseling or something. If we wish to change society's view of ourselves, we can not continue to hide in our closets. Find some way to get out, into the mainstream. Show regular people that we aren't so far away from regular ourselves, that there's no need to hide the children and reach for a weapon or spew hatred. Change is impossible without relationships, and relationships aren't possible if we remain hidden.

I'm not saying go dressed up to work tomorrow. That's too much too soon, shock for the sake of shock. I'm saying find some CD friends or CD allies, get some help with your presentation, get a babysitter if needed, and set a goal to dress up before the year is out, in a nearby town if needed, and go out together. A movie, dinner, normal stuff. Wear something that fits in. If you see someone looking more than they should, go up and say "Hi! Such a lovely evening, yes?" and just engage them in a conversation. We are a part of our society, for good or ill. Our society is what we make of it.

If you lose friends over this (and I have), then maybe they weren't really your friend to begin with. I know that hurts, but it's also true. The lonely times pass, life gets better. Now I'm better about choosing and investing in my friendships. I'm also very selective about who knows. My ex knows but my young children don't. My parents and siblings do not know, but my ex's parents do, and are supportive. Yet I have many good friends that know, with whom I socialize as both versions of me. Some of them are extremely close friends, too. It's just a part of growing up, of better integration of her into him, of raising the emotional IQ with practice and observation.

[Cindi Johnson]

I am transgender, not transvestite, and the process of that, generally destroys people's lives. Most all people lose their jobs, most of their friends and family and all of the things they hold dear to themselves.

IMHO, very few of us who go out frequently suffer such dire consequences. In fact, I'd say that few TG's suffer any negative consequences from going out dressed. Maybe in smalller cities it's different, but most people live in or near large cities. I know I've never had anything bad happen; in fact, I'm treated better when out dressed than when out drab. You don't have to tell friends and extended family, you know; they'd probably rather not know anyhow.

The real issue is simply how it affects your relationship with your spouse, and that is affected whether or not you go out dressed.

Cindi

[Miranda09]

A lot of interesting comments to this thread. As for myself, I'm fine with staying in the closet and going all out once a year at TG events like Be-All. For me, I just don't care about showing society how different I am and hope they are as opened mined as I am. This is a personal journey and one I'm willing to share only with those select few I trust. Although I admit to having urges to just run out the door as my femme self, I feel keeping this private makes going out that one time a year all that much more special.

[ICU Nurse]

I stay in for a bunch of reasons.

First, I am built like a 3/4 scale offensive tackle. I haven't figured out how to hide that.

Second, cost/benefit or risk/reward, whatever you'd like to call it. For me, the potential costs outweigh the potential reward.

As a result, I prefer to keep this part of me private.

[NewDresser]

and you would be a wuss.... and lack trust in your friends trust me, i they are your friends they will accept you... regardless... i told all my friends at a rally i put on and just toned down nikki slightly... basically kept makeup and dress situationally apropriate and minimal, it was their first time seeing nikki after all, and all are very suportive even if they need a few answers every once in a while.. but i will say i go beyond the realm of just CD....

Well I am happy for you that your friends accepted you, however your friends are probably not my friends, the ones that I am concerned about. You cannot make the assumption that everyone will be tolerant. I know my friends quite well, most would accept me, some are questionable, and two that probably would never speak to me again.
As for calling me a wuss, not by a long shot, its all about acceptable risk. I will stand up on my motorcycle going 90+ miles an hour, most of the people I ride with won't, are any of them a wuss? No, to them the risk does not outway the possible outcome.

[Cassi3]

I'm in the first camp! I had my reasons for getting out. Biggest reason, I've always felt I should have been a woman. That being said, and I'll probably hear it for this, but it's my opinion and how I feel based on my experience. I myself wouldn't be pushing anyone to get out of their comfort zone no matter what their reasons are for not venturing out, or even imply that I may have paved the way. I really believe we must all feel comfortable before we take that leap.

With that being said, those in camp #2, (this is from experience) probably have A LOT to loose before taking that leap.

No matter how long you know someone, how well do you truly know them? And what about family? I've known my father all my life and I wouldn't tell him even if I won the lottery. Why? He wouldn't accept and he's all I have left in my life. My mother knows, and she hasn't spoken to me in years. And knowing how religious she was, I probably should not have told her. I also chose to tell a friend of 12 years, who had been a supportive friend through thick and thin, that was the day our friendship ended. Looking back, should I have told her? Probably not. The only friends that haven't deserted me are those that do not know or I recently met. I really think those in camp #2 know their situations, friends and family better than any one else could and I myself wouldn't pass judgement, call them names, or question them why they choose to stay in the closet, they have their reasons, just as those of us in camp #1 had our reasons for getting out.

I really think whether we're in camp #1 or #2, we all have our reasons, comfort zones, situations, circumstances, friends and family, work and co-workers to consider for any of the choices we may or may not make.

Just my Hope it makes sense!

[lingerieLiz]

When I started you would be arrested if caught. I would still sneak out and drive enfem. At that time I might have gone full time, but laws prevented it.

[Lucy_Bella]

When I started you would be arrested if caught. I would still sneak out and drive enfem. At that time I might have gone full time, but laws prevented it.

Yelp ...It was illegal old habits hard to break..

[kaitlinrenee]

me either,

[Shelly67]

Perhaps on reflection of this thread there needs to be a question to shed a little more light on some of our behaviours ... ?
Therefore how many of the members on here who readily step out of the front door enfemme are NOT involved in relationships ?? It's an intrusive question but I consider it relevant .

[KlaireLarnia]

Living in Englands equivalent to Helmund Province surrounded by individuals who have no tolerance for those of other cultures and would /have killed people for simply being of a different ethnic origin, I dont feel inclined to test their views on alternative sexuality, so I think I will stay in for the moment !!!!!!!

I kinda echo this thought by Emma Leigh. If the neighbors opposite me saw I dressed in any way we would be ridiculed beyond belief and to the point of moving (which we cannot afford to do yet). It was bad enough when my wife moved in as she is Asian and you got shouts of "Ting Tong" from some people in refference to the Little Britain character - which is sad and very pathetic. Thankfully all that stopped after a month or so...

Also my daughter goes to a state school where there are a lot of well off people (it is the best state school in my area), they would freak if they saw me dressed up or even knew I did and that would have implications on my daughter and wife - something I will NOT have happen.


So while I DO dress in public, it is only in certain areas under certain circumstances when I know there is no fear of reprisal or any long term contact with the people who see me. And remember in my case I go out looking like a man in women's clothes - I do not wear a wig or makeup etc. Just the clothes - so in some ways this is harder as I am not trying to disguise my masculinity, only fight what is currently socially acceptable.

Klaire

[Veronica Lacey]

An interesting query, Nigella. An equally interesting thought is that perhaps one answer is in your very own tag line?

HAPPINESS IS A JOURNEY NOT A DESTINATION
WHICH I SHARE WITH THOSE CLOSEST TO ME

Dressing for me is a private hobby that brings me happiness. I personally need not share with the world in general an end result, that of dressing in public. I find joy in dressing in private and occasionally sharing with my wife; together we shall experience all that I care to while dressed.

[Philipa Jane]

Hey Nikkijo, Don't hold back say exactly what you mean. Kidding.
But seriously we are all very much ingrained with the way society says we should be and breaking out of this mind set is progressive.
In years to come we will be an accepted part of society and be more in the open.
In the mean time I shall along with others continue with small steps and win a battle here and there.
PJ

[Blaire]

...the fact that the world does not care what you wear... you can't do it because society says you can't.

What society do you speak of, and who makes up "the world?"

[Patty B.]

It seems whether you are out and about or not going out at all seems to be a personal choice, neither one seems right or wrong just depends on your situation.

[eluuzion]

I'm certainly a believer in setting goals. I also believe constructing a detailed plan (preferably in writing) with all of the progressive steps makes the difference between achieving my goal or wandering aimlessly.

But I also feel it is important (particularly for those people who are naturally "driven") to explore areas of life without having any goals attached to them. Those are the areas which I feel encourage creativity and expand vision. Those areas are where you find the seeds of inspiration that may/may not become my future goals. For me, those times are like paddling away from the designated swimming area out into open sea. I already know why the water is warm in the roped off area, lol. I am interested in exploring what is out there in the cold water. I have no idea where it will lead me. The goal is to float out there and see where it leads me.

I am not on a path with CDing...I am just wandering around the woods. I do not know where I am going, so I do not know when I will get "there".

Best I can do for an "explanation" when none really exists in my mind.

[CharleneCD]

exactially.... saying you stay in because of someone else makes you a wuss... and shows your possition in life as a follower not a leader. if you chose to stay in dont whine saying i cant go out because bah blah blah... it pisses some of us off very quickly...

So a crossdressing married father of three who keeps his dressing behind closed doors to ensure his job and ability to support his family is not placed at risk, is a wuss? If the only risk was to have to suffer a bit of ridicule and maybe lose a so called friend or two, then I might agree with you. The reality is that there are many of us here who have no need to fully transition so we must look at what being out will cost us, unlike those who are TS who suffer a great cost by not coming out. Just remember dont judge someone unless you have walked in their shoes. Isnt that the message we keep trying to push out on the public which doesnt understand us?

That being said, I do support the idea that we need to be out more. It is easy for us to be ignored if the public thinks we are a very tiny minority. For that matter politicians think we are a tiny minority in that they can dump protections for the TG community feeling it is not a big risk for lost votes. Be seen, even if you need to travel 100 miles from home. Dont pass, many others dont either yet they still go out. Just join in with a group and go out with the idea of safety and anonymity in numbers. Lastly if you will not be seen, be heard. When supposed supporters in congress push us to the side, write or email them and tell them you will remember. If enough of us do it the message will get across

[Lucy_Bella]

exactially.... saying you stay in because of someone else makes you a wuss... and shows your possition in life as a follower not a leader. if you chose to stay in dont whine saying i cant go out because bah blah blah... it pisses some of us off very quickly...

What a mean thing to say... I find that offensive that anyone can not respect a CDers right to privatcy such gull I might add. As a closet cder that statement is a slap in the face . We understand and fully back those who choose to go out and speaking for myself it doesn't piss me off . I have no clue who US is or is it just you that it pisses off?

There are plenty of reasons why extra exposer is not needed the biggest one for me is I DO NOT WISH TO LIVE MY LIFE AS A FEMALE FULL TIME!! I n fact it's very little I even have the urge to feel enfemme.. Understanding would be a great help and not placeing ones self as a higher than tho standard because you are open about your fenimine activities..

[renee k]

For me, it's whatever one is happy doing. I was in the "closet" for a lot of the years that I have been doing this. Since I've been single I decided to push the envelope and be who I feel that I am inside. And still preserve the male side of my life. So, on days that I'm home I'm out there as "Renee". I really enjoy getting out.

Renee

[munshine nightwood]

I cant wait to get out of the house when I'm dressed, but then again I'm starting to go out more often in the day time. You just have to have the confidence to step out the door and let the world know that this you , and that you dont care what the rest of the world think!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Jenny Beth]

exactially.... saying you stay in because of someone else makes you a wuss... and shows your possition in life as a follower not a leader. if you chose to stay in dont whine saying i cant go out because bah blah blah... it pisses some of us off very quickly...

I am happy that you are able to live your life as you choose, I truly am. But comments like this coming from within our own community are uncalled for and hurtful. If you are pissed off that some here don't live up to your standards you don't have to stick around.

[melissacd]

Those who are are "out" are NOT complaining about those who choose to remain in the closet. They are only complaining about the ones who stay in the closet and claim it is someone ELSE (society) who is keeping them in the closet.

S

Bingo, this is exactly the point! If you choose to stay in or you choose to go out - you choose. You reasons my be very good ones, but we must all stop blaming others, we are accountable for our choices and their consequences.