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Thread: "Partially" came out to my family and friends...now I feel upset and depressed :(

  1. #1
    Junior Member Haley's Avatar
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    Unhappy "Partially" came out to my family and friends...now I feel upset and depressed :(

    Hi everyone, hope you're all good. Halloween's just passed, and I used it as an excuse to "partially" come out to my friends and family (here's my costume on another thread lol - http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...67#post2311167 ) I showed these pics to my family and they didn't mind too much (my mom loved it) but my brother was a bit disapproving. But, besides that I decided to post some pics on Facebook...it was hard to tell how approving my friends were of it, they were mostly shocked that it was actually me in the pics. My cousins thought I looked great and laughed it off, but one of my friends back from uni said i looked gay and it kind of hurt a little (but I suppose that's expected right? ) At work, my colleagues didn't think too much of it (one of them said that he'd date me if i was a real girl, lol...another one said that I might have issues) Today my brother found out that I had posted those pics on Facebook and he's saying that I've disgraced my family and my masculinity but posting them and that I should be ashamed and it's really made me feel bad about the whole thing (on top of being called gay by my friend). I'm also now afraid that I'm going to be made fun of and laughed at behind my back. I'm really upset and I feel horrible, I was hoping someone here would offer some advice on how to deal with this or maybe share their own experience Thank you so much in advance

  2. #2
    Aspiring Member Bethany38's Avatar
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    Haley,
    The one thing I had to get over when I came out was the notion, that when I told people their reactions would be cut and dry. They would either hate it or they would deal with it. Reaction to things we tell people is based on their own feelings so it is hard sometimes to take their opinions or thoughts on the matter. The only thing you can do is try to buck up. Be yourself hun for only you can make yourself happy. Forget about the nay sayers, be you, you are perfect the way you are.
    One day your life is going to pass before your eye's, Make sure it is worth watching.

    Eddie Izzard said it best "I am an action tranvestite".





    http://www.flickr.com/photos/bethanyannstratford/

  3. #3
    Tamara Ann Valla tamarav's Avatar
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    [SIZE=4]Unfortunately, you are dealing with human beings, and they can be very unpredictable. Some will attack you, as they have, and use guilt to make you feel bad about your decision. Others, usually those that are attracted to you, will use the gay attack in an effort to avoid anyone looking at them and wondering. There are excuses all over the place, but the fact is that they now know.[/SIZE]
    [SIZE=4][/SIZE]
    [SIZE=4]So, take it the best you can and move on. Don't let others drive your life. Design it the way you want to live and keep moving forward, otherwise you are living to someones else's design and you will never be happy.[/SIZE]
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

    I am a licensed Cosmetologist (hair stylist, not cosmonaut), work as a hair and wig stylist, makeup artist and permanent makeup artist, dressed as you see in my avatar and albums.

    My web site www.apparentlyfemale.com

    I have over 2,500 pictures on my Flicker site located at http://www.flickr.com/photos/9315394@N02/

  4. #4
    the happy camper
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    I have a nephew who is gay. When he first came out, he got a similar reaction from his sister. She got over it. Most likely your brother will too, but if he doesn't, that's his issue, not yours. You just have to be who you are. Your life belongs to you. Don't let your family and friends tell you how to live it.

    You looked great, by the way.

  5. #5
    Fearfully MTF Steph.TS's Avatar
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    technically what we are doing is attacking our masculinity, I'm TS and plan to transition at some point. in general it seems to me that women are stronger emotionally when women started wearing pants, did they need support groups, or anything? the internet wasn't even around for them to see that it was ok, but they did it anyways. Men on the other hand are more fragile afraid, men generally don't wear dress or skirt because they are afraid it's feminine, I've got a picture in my head that men cowering in the corner afraid that the 1 thing they want to do is girly or gay so they try to 'man up'. I wish I was a woman so bad, and part of the reason is to drop a gender that pretends to be strong when in fact it's too worried about it's image that it has to compensate for it's fears.

  6. #6
    the happy camper
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jen.CD View Post
    a gender that pretends to be strong when in fact it's too worried about it's image that it has to compensate for it's fears.
    My theory is that 90% of traditional masculinity is a defense mechanism to mask vulnerability.

  7. #7
    The avvy pic isn't me
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    Loved your outfit Haley, your very pretty. As said, stay true to yourself, and don't let the negativity get to you. It takes tremendous courage to come out, especially
    by posting the pictures in very public formats. Those who can appreciate your courage will stand behind you. Those who are hung up on their own personal issues and
    want to attack you for being less than masculine obviously can't see that courage and feel weak themselves.
    Prolly the best you can do for now is to give everyone some time to absorb this, ultimately though, your truest friends and family members will rise above it all.
    When some time has gone by, maybe you can talk with them all and try to show them you are still who you have always been.
    Best wishes.
    mj (Cassie)

  8. #8
    Tonya, the SHOE monster! rocketscientist's Avatar
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    Hi Haley!

    First of all, I would say your brother seems to be a narrow minded bigot. I don't think he cares about your feelings. Sounds more like he's more worried what others might think. Maybe you should talk with your mom more, it sounds like she would be supportive. I know it can't be easy, but give it time, it'll get better. Best wishes, Tonya
    "Be yourself, everyone else is already taken" = Oscar Wilde

  9. #9
    Senior Citizen Mary Morgan's Avatar
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    Give it some time, let it pass and it wil be fine. Just be honest with everyone and whether they agree of not, they will have to respect you for your courage and integrity. After all, those are the real important parts of our character.

  10. #10
    Silver Member Tina B.'s Avatar
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    When you come out you take the chance that not everyone is going to see life your way, especially brothers, they are still tied to there own image, and your going girl reflexes on him as he See's it.
    But girl you have the satisfaction of knowing you look good in a dress. Don't let friends or family get you down, you are just being you, and there is nothing wrong with that.
    Tina B.

  11. #11
    Aspiring Member
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    No pain,

    no gain.
    Last edited by mklinden2010; 11-23-2010 at 05:49 AM.

  12. #12
    Member Ria's Avatar
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    Hi Haley,

    IMO I think you have to expect what has happened, some will find it funny and be supportive, some will be jerks about it and others will withold their thoughts... The reactions will vary but don't let it get to you, you'll need to develop a thick skin if you're showing family and friends your pics. Don't concern yourself with attempting to garner their acceptance, it's your life, enjoy it. They are entitled to their opinion and you keep doing your thing.

    This advice is coming from a girl that is firmly and happily in the closet. Good luck girl, you'll get through it.

  13. #13
    Aspiring Member tommi's Avatar
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    I really admire your choice to come out but it definitly involves some risk not all family and friends are going to support your decessions, in my own life my father didn't support my career choice but after a while he realised it worked for me.
    The same can be said for coming out to family that we crossdress / transgendered and so forth and being asked if your gay goes with the teritory as well. That is the way many think about the community. Over time your brother will hopefully realise
    that your still common blood and he'll hopefully be more supportive.
    Staying in the closet isn't so bad as long as you know why your in there.

  14. #14
    Banned Read only
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    I think it has all pretty much been said and said well. Haley, keep your head up and be proud. Coming out isn't always met with with a party. It took more for you to come out than most will ever have. Sometimes it takes thick skin to be different. Many have already said it, be your own person. If being a girl is what you like, then be a girl. You are behind the wheel take yourself where you want to go.

    Always know that we are here supporting you.

  15. #15
    Silver Member Marissa's Avatar
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    Hi Haley, I did see your pics and commented on how cute you look. I have to ask since you say 'partially' came out to family and friends.. I don't see that having been done, unless missed stating that you are a crossdresser or whatever..meaning that you do it more then just this once past Halloween.

    Many men have lost bets or been persuaded (yeah, right..whatever) to dress up as fems during Halloween..and that is it..until the next time or it becomes a part of their lives. So I'm asking, did you share more or is everyone reacting to this 'one time when I dressed as Minnie for Halloween'?

    You are getting the normal responses for those seeing you dressed in a fem costume for the first time.. but be ready as to what it can be if they find out its more..

    You have some good responses here so take them as you see fit.. and remember how you felt while wearing the costume and the positive reactions

    Hugs,
    Marissa
    Marissa



    "You better look hard and look twice,
    ...is that me, baby or just a brilliant disguise?"- The Boss

  16. #16
    Silver Member Loni's Avatar
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    not to worry about "there" problems. it is your life, not theirs.
    as for posting any photo of you (no mater how dressed) just remember it is online for life and 1000 years. just think do you want your great, great,great,great grand kids to see it? how about a future boss?
    not saying to or not to post just think first.

  17. #17
    Chickie Chickhe's Avatar
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    Here is the thing... you did not discrace anyone, most of the people thought it was cool. The only one with a problem is your brother...that's his problem. What you need to remember, only you know what you are and how you feel inside. If you know you are not gay, then that is all that matters. You should feel good that you finally did something you wanted to do, it takes a lot of courage to do it, something your brother will never have. You can best deal with his hate by not responding to it beyond just saying he can think what he wants, but you know what your sexual identity is.
    Chickie

  18. #18
    Senior Member
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    Life is so very very short. As I get older (now in my 50's) I am watching my friends and family pass away bit by bit. I am at that age when my own mortaluty is being questioned and I wish I had the guts to come out when I was yournger.

    Your brother is a putz. Tell him that this is your life and you cannot live it being miserable.

    Best of luck.

  19. #19
    Junior Member lynnrichards's Avatar
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    Haley,
    You are so pretty and so brave. Don't regret what you've done. You're just being true to yourself and you are about to discover who your real friends are. Just give it some time.
    Good luck,Lynn

  20. #20
    Aspiring Member
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    Grace

    Slick.
    Last edited by mklinden2010; 11-23-2010 at 05:47 AM.

  21. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by Haley View Post
    he's saying that I've disgraced my family and my masculinitye
    No, you disgraced his idea of masculinity. Poor him. Ok, it's your brother, but if my brother responded in that way, I'd gently tell him that I have no issues with who *I* am, and don't particularly care about definitions of femininity and masculinity. If he has issues with my masculinity, then it would be his problem to work out, and I'd be happy to discuss it with him. But, I wouldn't allow my sense of self worth to be vested in his opinion of my masculinity (or lack thereof).

    In general, what you did will cause people to talk behind your back. You can't take that back now, so stop sweating having done it. C'est la vie, live on. Five years from now, this will be a distant memory. Don't get to worked up about it. If some of your friends think you in that beautiful dress makes you 'gay', then like with your brother that's their issue to work out. Two opposite sex friends of mine were kissing each other in front of a gay bar once. They were accused of being gay. They gave each other a high five and told the people who attempted to insult them "THANK YOU!". If your 'friends' look at you condescendingly because you look fabulous in a dress, maybe it's time for new friends.

  22. #22
    fearless transowman juno's Avatar
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    Living in Germany as US military, many people felt that most Germans hated us. In reality, that was the minority, but it is the bad interactions that people tend to remember.

    Try to focus on the positive, and take pride that you are a crossdresser, and not one of those intolerant mean people. My attitude is that I don't care if people think I'm gay. If that make them not want to be my friend, then I don't want them as a friend. It is a good way to find out who is "real" and worth being your friend.
    Juno Michelle Krahn

    Normal people are weird. Stealth is another word for "in the closet".

  23. #23
    John JohannaH's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Haley View Post
    Today my brother found out that I had posted those pics on Facebook and he's saying that I've disgraced my family and my masculinity but posting them and that I should be ashamed
    Haley,

    Ah yes - the typical "masculinity anxiety" that is pandemic in our society! Aren't you glad you are free of that straitjacket? I know I'm glad that I'm free of it as well. So we have the guts and fortitude to do our own thing, instead of letting bigoted people rule our lives.

    My brothers disapprove of my wearing skirts and dresses but at least they don't say that I've disgraced my family and my masculinity.

    Your brother is really a jerk. You were simply wearing a Halloween costume. If I was in the same room with him and he expressed those opinions about you my response would not be very pleasant to say the least - maybe the whole block would get to hear me as I raised my voice (assuming the windows were open).

    As far as my Halloween costume I was handing out candy to kids while I was wearing a floral dress and wedge sandals with nail polish on my fingernails and toenails.

    Kind regards,

    John
    Last edited by JohannaH; 11-05-2010 at 01:06 PM.
    John - Please use my legal name John. I also prefer masculine pronouns referring to myself.
    Been on M2F HRT for over 8 years
    Don't mind if I am addressed as Sir or Ma'am as long as I am treated with respect.
    Just don't call me "Maggot".

  24. #24
    . Aprilrain's Avatar
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    my question is why are you coming out? Do you plan on living this way full or part time? do you just want validation? do you know why you want to tell people? I think it is great that you want to be out but you may want to examine your motivations also not that it matters now but it probably would have been better to tell people first then show them after they had some time to digest and get use to the idea. I suspect that since you are feeling a little sensitive about some of the reactions that you are seeking at least a little validation. there is nothing wrong with that but you still want to be carful where you go seeking it. this site is a great place and here is my 2 cents worth you are gorgeous young woman don't let anyone tell you differently but also don't tell every body either! even if you plan on a transition.

  25. #25
    Member Olivia2's Avatar
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    Haley,

    A couple of thoughts. First, you are much braver than I as I have often thought of dressing as a woman for Halloween and attending a party with friends who know nothing of my feminine side but haven't had the courage. Also anytime you challenge others rigidly socialized notions of what is masculine and feminine, they are going to show discomfort with it or show their ignorance about it by questioning your sexual orientation. And so what if they do? Is being thought of as gay a negative perception-it may be an incorrect perception-but is it any more of a concern than their knowing you have a like of woman's clothing or a strong feminine personality inside of you?

    As others have said, you haven't exactly come out but simply showed a willingness to wear a very feminine outfit on Halloween? You have gotten some feedback from others that will help you recognize who might and who might not be safe people to open up to in the future, should you decide to do so. Your generation is much more comfortable posting pics on places like facebook than is mine, so I can't address your decision to do that. Just learn who is safe to open up when you choose to.

    Finally, your culture may place more emphasis on your behavior being a reflection of the family or the culture than the cultures of others here, including mine. You know your culture better than I, so just do the best you can to reconcile those comments and beliefs and perhaps find others who share your culture with whom you can talk about this (maybe safe people you can recognize by their reactions to your costume). Hang in there. From all I've read here, showing yourself to others at any level, is not without some stress.

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