Moment of Weakness - Strength Please

[juliecdfl]

I know I am going to have replies where I get yelled at but I need some help in getting through tough emotions. As some may know, my wife knows I dress, we have done some counseling, and she has been better at accepting me. My issue I constantly battle with is I am a bisexual crossdresser. I understand I gave uo the bi side when I got married, which I admit is a daily battle. Lately, all I think about is the feminine side of me in addition to my daily bisexuality battle. Because of this, the girl in me is not being sexually satisfied and my wife will not allow Julie anywhere near the bedroom. How do I stay on track and get through these hard times? I feel like an emotional rollercoaster and unfortunately all my counselor says is "if you cheat you better hope the f***ing is worth the f***ing". That does not help with me controlling my emotions and remaining faithful. All advice is greatly appreciated!

[cindyxxx]

My heavens what a complicated place to be in! I can only go by own experience - if that helps. My partner is fantastic but we also went through conselling and that is when the complexities of my cross dressing really came to the fore. We established,and it now, finally, makes sense, that my fantasies when dressed, are about making love to a gentle male - now this is where it gets difficult so pelase read on - but as my mind and body were in a form of female state then my actual sexuality was hetero. Ergo as my 'normal self, eg male side, was also completely straight the fantasies are just that. Nothing more than a fantasy. I am loving my female self and accept it as part of my 'whole me' but I am completely male in relationships and have no leanings towards men. BUT in fantasy, when dressed Oh Boy!!! - sorry that probably doesn't help. I guess I am asking if you are really bi or doe the feeling only only occur when you are en femme. If so are they just fantasies or do you really have the leaning towards bisexuality?

[chrissie-h]

Hi Julie, it is a really tough situation for you, but unfortunately your counselor is quite right. If you decide to cross the Rubicon, there will be no going back and you need to be sure you can live with the consequencies. It is very easy to take what you have for granted and over rate what you don't have. On the other hand if your bisexuallity is a core part of who you are, you will both be miserable if you can find no outlet. My advice is to keep going to your counselor to work out what is really important for you and what will be in the best interests of your wife. You made an obligation to her when you got married and she has a right to a life too.
Take care.

[sterling12]

I think it's time to sit down, and have a long chat with your Hubby. I think you will have to "come clean," tell her about your feelings, and see if you two can figure out some sort of Compromise, that might work.

If that "don't get it," I'm afraid you are going to have to seriously explore ending your marriage. I know that's difficult advise, but the Alternative will end up with everybody being destroyed. You will probably not be able to contain yourself, you will cheat, she will eventually find out, and The Marriage will get wrecked. If you prolong what you two will have to decide is inevitable; I think it will be far worse emotionally for both of you!

But, I will relate A Story I know about A Good CD Friend. She is very Bi-Sexual, has had a series of Lovers for many years, dresses 24/7 with long fingernails, mucho jewelry, and scarves, is out with her "friends" about three nights a week; and yet claims her wife doesn't know what's going on. I don't believe that, but this is what G_____ relates! So I guess some Couples do play some sort of "Game," where everyone pretends that they don't know what is going on in their relationship. As an Alternative, (making The Best of a Bad Situation)perhaps you two can come up with something like that.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Krysta]

I would reccomend really discussing this with your wife, full disclosure, tell her your position, your fears, your concerns, she may not want to hear any of it (i can understand) but this issue is huge and may have disasterous results if left 'un-worked-on'. Marriage is compromise, your wife may need to open up to some of your needs, and you may have to sacrifice a few things and not be 'completely' happy. A middle ground should be sought for, you at least need to really try, try to communicate, find a middle ground work on things, really listen to her, get inside her head, understand her emotions, her side of the story, just dont take "i just dont want anything to do with it' point of veiw, ask her well why? why do you feel that way? then after all this, if she wont open up at all, you have tried everything, and still have these super strong urges and desires, then you make have to make a decision about what is more important to you. By all means i hope the best for you 2, just dont take the easy way out, and dont let her take the easy way out either.

[dilane]

Lots of married men (straight, gay, bi, TS/TG) would love to have affairs with other partners.

Most think it through and decide that the excitement of a transitory sexual relationship isn't worth breaking the marriage. But some have no problem leaving the wife and kids. I've known several TS's who've done that. I know I wouldn't.

If you love your wife, and love having a loyal partner in life who you can protect and who can nurture you, then don't exchange it for a few orgasms. (just my opinion)

Sex is transitory, it's a ride, a rush. It's not happiness nor is it lasting satisfaction. That comes from a loving relationship.

As Joni Mitchell sang: "Don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you've got 'till it's gone."

-- Diane

[Kelly DeWinter]

Julie,

Your thread is one of the reasons I have a problem with counselors who don't counsel. A counselor or therapist is supposed to help you establish goals and ways to work toward those goals. Take a few moments to think of two or three friends you can use as accountablity partnes. When you start having thoughts of infidelity, call one of your friends and just talk for 20 or so miniuts. It takes that amount of time for urges to pass. It takes 30 days to establish a new habit. Talk to you counselor about establishing goals.

[Mahoro]

Julie,
The first thing I would say is to take a moment and separate your sexual orientation from your gender identification. I realize the two do often overlap with many of us, and cross dressing can certainly bring out urges that might not otherwise be at the surface, but if you are truly bi-sexual by nature then you'll feel those sexual longings no matter what you are wearing. Sexuality and gender truly are two very different and distinct aspects of who we are, no matter how much they may stitch together to make up our whole.

The other thing I would say is to remember that being bi-sexual does Not make you automatically promiscuous, nor does it mean that you can't be happy, fulfilled, and remain true in a monogamous relationship, you can do those things just as well as any other person could. There is a terrible fallacy perpetrated by many people (both straight and gay) that seem to think being bi-sexual means you are a tramp, it definitely does not! You made a choice to get married and commit to one person, and if that is still how you want to live your life then by all means stick to it. It is possible to address your bi-sexual urges without having to be unfaithful.

Although your S.O. may not want to take Julie into bed with her, perhaps she might be willing to explore your sexual needs in other ways while you are in 'genetic mode', and if she is not wanting to explore those avenues then there is no reason for you not to explore them on your own, there are many reasons sex toys are often referred to as 'marital aids'.

Self love is a perfectly acceptable and safe way to quench the fires that your spouse may be unwilling or unable to satisfy, and there is no shame or guilt in taking matters into your own hands. I encourage you to shop for a nice implement and burn off some of those frustrations on your own, you may find not only relief from your urge to stray, but it might even bring you closer to your S.O. sexually, because you will be more able to focus on her when the two or you are together.

[juliecdfl]

I do thank everyone for the responses. Its tough when gender identity and sexuality overlap. I am a truly bisexual person but I am also a crossdresser and honestly the two did not start overlapping until recently. If I had a few close friends to call when the urge is strong than I think I would be fine but the people I am "out" to about being bisexual know nothing about Julie. The only one that knows about Julie is my wife, and when I try to bring up the conversation about my urges she gets insulted because in her eyes she is not enough for me. I am not sure how many others are like me where I go through phases....one week I desire a man, the next a woman...then mix in wanted to be my male persona or female persona.

The hardest part is some people say I might need to rexamine and possibly end the marriage. I don't like to think that because aside from my gender/sexuality issues, we have a perfect marriage...we just have different views on sex. I know sex is a huge part in a marriage but I do not believe there is a 100% perfect partner out there...and if there was I do not think it would last. I think differences help keep relationships fresh. It is just hard when the differences are these issues.

[eluuzion]

hiya julie,

I do not give "advice". But I do have a "novel" you can read...here ya' go...

The first option you may want to consider is finding a new counselor that is better qualified to counsel patients. Invest your money in someone that has expertise in issues you are dealing with and makes you feel comfortable.

It does not sound like you “gave up the bi side” to me. But it is obvious that you are struggling with your bi-sexuality. With a little support and will power, it’s possible to “give up” behaviors like smoking and biting your finger nails. Applying the same cessation strategy to bi-sexuality issues does offer much promise of success.

Bisexuality is not just an undesirable behavior you decide one day you are going to “correct”, “deny” or “regulate”. It is a complex personal issue that many mental health professionals do not consider to be something you can manipulate at will, as it is an integral part of your “being”. The common approach is more one of finding a path that will help you resolve the inner conflict and lead a fulfilling life.

It is also evident to me from the context of your statements, that you are (consciously or unconsciously) well on your way in gathering the evidence in your case file, to be used in your “victim” defense strategy… if/when you find yourself “justifying” your extra-marital “slip-ups” to your SO and others in the future.

Acknowledging your potential for engaging in “slip-ups”.
-“…Which I admit is a daily battle”

Assigning responsibility and blame for your behavior to others.
-“That does not help me controlling my emotions and remaining faithful”.

Justifying your “stifled” communication attempts and decision to resort to “giving up” .
-…she gets insulted…

Using a logical fallacy to minimize the impact this issue has in the overall marriage relationship.
-… aside from my gender/sexuality issues, we have a perfect marriage
-...we just have different views on sex.

These are some of the typical strategies and denials shared by “unfaithful” partners attempting to justify or excuse their betrayal to a spouse by claiming to be a “victim” that simply was “forced into their actions”… or was “innocently following the only option they had”.

“I did not mean for it to happen”. “I tried to talk, you wouldn’t listen”. “You forced me into it”. “you shut me out”. “It’s not what you think”. “it was no big deal”. “I didn’t think you would care.” “Now I know it upsets you”. “What was I suppose to do?” “you know I love you.” “It won’t happen again, I promise.” “Give me another chance”. “I would never try to hurt you.”…yakity yak yak…sound familiar? Lol

I mean no disrespect or mean to imply this specifically applies to your situation. Nor am I judging anything, you or giving advice. I have my own kid, and am not interested in “adopting” or “managing” any more…lol

Just sharing some personal observations and opinions…

I hope you and your SO work everything out…

[Michelle 51]

Hi Julie
I see a lot of sound advice in the above posts.I question is do you really want advice.A lot
of times people will ask for advice and get 19 negative and 1 positive and go with the 1 positve because thats was what they wanted to hear and didn't want to hear the others.At the end of all the replies you will get here you have to make a choice and only you can do that.I believe in marriage.Others don't.I'm not trying to be hard here but i would hate to see you throw something away and regret it later.I care and hope this works out.hugs Michelle

[Karren H]

All I know is on a worseness scale.... cheating while married is bad bad bad.... vs lying which is bad... maybe bad bad but not as bad as cheating which is bad bad bad, imho....

[sandra-leigh]

Considering the number of people on these forums who have no partner, or who lost their partner due to being CD or TG, or whose partners greatly curtailed their sex lives due to the CD or TS, or who just plain "aren't getting any" even though they are in a relationship: it is not easy for me to be sympathetic to someone who is has an active sex life but is considering cheating to have a variety of sex that they do not normally have access to.

The usual recommendation on these forums is that if you do not have (or cannot negotiate) an open relationship, and you cannot resist going outside of the relationship, then end the relationship before going after someone else.

You should probably seriously consider going to "sexual addiction counseling". Whether or not your feelings would formally be considered "addiction", those counselors are skilled in helping people manage their sexual desires.

[TiffanyTgirl]

Go toy shopping. And keep it to yourself.

[Karren H]

Go toy shopping. And keep it to yourself.

Yeah!! Go to Toys-r-Us and buy two Ken dolls and dress one in Barbies clothes.... Shhhhhh!!

[Olivia2]

If you are not receiving couple's counseling (only individual is what I'm perceiving), then perhaps that might be an option, if your wife is willing. Perhaps a sex therapist could help you find ways to compromise in the bedroom where both you and your wife's needs can be met.

Not sure if there is any advice in these books but certainly an understanding from a wife's point of view of the need to find a way to work things out in the bedroom: "My Husband Betty" and "She's Not the Man I Married" by Helen Boyd.

Maybe some wives/partners in the Loved Ones forum may have some advice as to how they've worked things out sexually with their spouses/partners.

[sandra-leigh]

Though you might want to take to heart the reasons why Barbie broke up with Ken in 2004:

http://www.businessweek.com/bwdaily/...1253_db042.htm

[HairyBethCD]

My wife is OK about me with other men. Her view is that it's something she can't offer so it's not a threat. As long as I play safe, she's fine with it. Interestingly, the few times it has happened, we've had some great sex ourselves afterwards, I think she finds it rather arousing to think I've been with another man.

[kimdl93]

It's a tough thing to deny a part of your sexuality in marriage, but you made the choice. If you value the marriage, infidelity is simply not going to work. And so-called open marriages rarely survive extra curricular activities. So maybe you need be honest with your wife about your sexual desires, and I know this may sound odd, but see if she can help fulfill them in your bedroom...with or without "Julie".

For example, I have some past bi experiences and tendencies. My wife is willing to role play in a manner that I find quite fulfilling

[mklinden2010]

are?

[Office Stacy]

My heavens what a complicated place to be in! I can only go by own experience - if that helps. My partner is fantastic but we also went through conselling and that is when the complexities of my cross dressing really came to the fore. We established,and it now, finally, makes sense, that my fantasies when dressed, are about making love to a gentle male - now this is where it gets difficult so pelase read on - but as my mind and body were in a form of female state then my actual sexuality was hetero. Ergo as my 'normal self, eg male side, was also completely straight the fantasies are just that. Nothing more than a fantasy. I am loving my female self and accept it as part of my 'whole me' but I am completely male in relationships and have no leanings towards men. BUT in fantasy, when dressed Oh Boy!!! - sorry that probably doesn't help. I guess I am asking if you are really bi or doe the feeling only only occur when you are en femme. If so are they just fantasies or do you really have the leaning towards bisexuality?

I sometimes get this feeling. When I get dress up i really get turn on and after I pleaser myself I take everything off. While i am taking everything off i am mad at myself for dressing as Stacy and i start asking myself why. I realize that it is a fantasy and i get caught up in the moment. So with my its more self control.

[juliecdfl]

I am grateful for all of the replies as that was the purpose of starting this thread. What I would like to make clear is I am not trying to be a victim and I am not looking for the one post saying "go ahead and cheat on your wife". The purpose was for help and suggestions on how to get through a moment of weakness. We all have those moments and the hardest thing in life is working through those moments. For me, I am realizing that I need to discuss this more with my wife. My problem is that even with counseling (and yes I understand many of you think I need to switch counselors), it is hard to tell her everything I want to tell her. I feel fortunate that her attitude towards my dressing went from against it to partially accepting but we are no where near her accepting Julie at 100%. In addition to that, how do I tell her that my sexuality is constantly at an inner battle between desiring women and men? How do I tell her that Julie is now desiring men? That is something I think no wives would want to hear and no husband wants to discuss.

Self discovery and self acceptance with both sexuality and gender identify have been very difficult for me recently. When I first married I was slightly interested in dressing and had a few bi experiences. I never thought interest in either would get to the point it is now. The question is how do I bring up all of these emotions with my wife. When things are good I don't want to ruin things by mentioning it and when things are bad I want to fix the situation rather than bringing up something else...

[mklinden2010]

sense.

[Leelou]

I don't know, Julie. I think your hesitation to discuss this with her might be for good reason. I know that bisexuality/homosexuality is one of the first/biggest fears when a woman learns that her man is a crossdresser. She sounds like a great woman and she's accepting your cd'ing. I wouldn't want to push her over the edge with the bisexual urges. Others have suggested trying to keep this at a level where it remains in the fantasy and self love realm--I agree. Its not uncommon for married people to have sexual desires outside the marriage, but for the marriage to survive it can't be acted on.

[sandra-leigh]

I was not one of the people who was saying before that you should change therapists, but now that I've read that they were unaccepting of your cross-dressing, I would recommend that at the very least you find another therapist to talk about those issues.

There is nothing inherently wrong in cross-dressing in itself, but how you feel about it and how you react to it can provide a lot of angst and perhaps provoke bad decisions, so a regular therapist will not speak against it but will instead attempt to help you come to terms with it -- help you decide your priorities, give you feedback as to whether you have considered matters sufficiently, help guide you in communicating with your wife, and so on. My regular therapist is not a gender therapist, but some of my CD / TG issues do get discussed in pretty much every session; my telling her that I was looking seriously into HRT did not bother her at all; last session she reserved some time for me to talk to her about my upcoming HRT appt (which, by chance, had gotten rescheduled to already have happened). She was not concerned about the HRT itself, but was asking about how I planned to talk to my wife about it -- a perfectly valid question tied into matters of how my wife and I communicate. Just an example of how a regular therapist should be handling matters even if they don't know much about CD/TG.