The fear of being found out you cross-dress why is it so bad

[MJ]

Why are you so scared to go out, why are you so scared to tell your family

how can we change the world if we are too scared to be ourselves

you all are Beautiful people smart well adjusted caring and you are not doing anything wrong and the truth is you look better than i do

why is fear so powerful that it stop you from showing your true colour's

my heart goes out to you i wish you could see the world as i do no fear but i'm out and i wish you all were too.
huggs

add :- addressing the fear of presenting oneself authentically to the world at large and worrying about what strangers think,
thank you Mandy

please read all post i'm not trying to offend anyone i just wanted to know and make friends not enemys

[katrinakat]

Thank you for your insight. I wish i could drop the weights, and I do, but sometimes it hurts and I feel guilty for being me. As i've gotten older and wiser, I've become more accepting of myself
but at times I have shame. But I can't change!

Just trying to be me.

KatT

[MJ]

but at times I have shame. But I can't change!

Just trying to be me.

KatT

sure you can change Kat look at me i once was a guy. i've change and there is no shame in being you

[Suzette Muguet de Mai]

Two words "PAIN" and "REJECTION". The pain from possible physical and mental ridicule by others. Rejection from family,friends and society for being someone different from the so-called norm. Maybe "SHAME" if loosely used within a society with a fixed sense of their normality. Embarrassment for not being the "MAN" that you were physically born as and maybe not emotionally. Acceptance or the fear of rejection for causing embarrassment to parents who may have believed you to be the man. Fear for being someone you are not and rejected because you maybe someone else. "LIE" because you are no longer true to yourself and others, you become false as a person.

[eluuzion]

"The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw".

I am doing just fine as I am, thanks. I do not fear anything (except the Internal Revenue Service). I am not scared of anything (ok, except spiders and cockroaches). I am doing lots of things wrong, but I do not feel crossdressing is one of them. I do not stand to gain anything by sharing my CD experiences with my family. I show my true colors everyday, most people think I am an "nut" and they are probably right...but I enjoy my life.

I dress 24/7, go out when the urge strikes and enjoy my version of the CD experience. I pick my "battles", which there are few worth "fighting" in my case. I do not have any motivating reasons that would justify a swipe at committing "social suicide", lol.

I live life in terms of "percentages" and "risk assessment". The avenue which presents the greatest percentage of being successful with the least amount of risk is the path I take.

But that is just me...

[Annaliese2010]

...why is fear so powerful that it stop you from showing your true colours...

I'm not fearful necessarily. There is a greater reality for people though. It's called the practical world and the strictures to behavior one must abide in order to succeed in it. I do go out. I'm just discriminating about with whom, when & where. Why? Um...I think it's called money i.e. wealth, opportunity, income, salary. Freedom has degree's measured in dollars (USD, if you please). Hard enough to come by normally. Harder more when you advertise how you're....a member of the transgendered minority. You can take up the cause, if you feel the need...wish I could help but there's more important things that fascinate me.

[Ria]

Yeah... no... I'm good. I like it between just me and my wife... I like to slip in and out of the role. I like the variety. Let the "cat out of the bag" to everyone and that's... just plain disruptive.

I liked your candor though, you're a sweety

[Danni Bear]

MJ,

There are many reasons and excuses for not being out about crossdressing. Fear of rejection from friends and loved ones top the list. It takes a very strong individual to risk losing all to be their true self. Shame, this is one that is very subjective to all. hatred and bigotery from society is another reason, the very real possibility of being harmed or killed exist. In a perfect world these would not be. this world they have to be taken into consideration before any can be open and out. Risk and reward which is right for you. Only each knows that answer. It is different for all.

Danni

[Karren H]

I have never had any fear of being found out... Which is why when I was discovered by my wife... I wasn't prepared for the pain and anguish and the screaming and crying... She was pretty upset too! Lol

A little fear is a good thing.. Trust this old coal miner. You don't respect potential dangers and you will be severely injured... Being fearless or having overwhelming fear are both problematic, imho.

[Pythos]

Two words. Pilot's Certificate. Another word. Mother.

I don't want to risk the work I have put into my pilot's certificate. I have done much sacrifice into the ratings I have obtained. When I was first flying I regularly wore leggings and or catsuits, but after 9/11 machoism and fear seemed to grip my little airfield, which I had to take an absence from for 3 years. Upon my return I was frightened by how closed minded many at the airport had become.

As far as my mother is concerned. Due to this wonderful economy I am having to live at her house. I just don't want to deal with her ignorant BS. Recall this is the mother that calls me a Fairy for wearing my leggings, when she heard of my Rocky Horror costume she just about had kittens. She is very very fixed in her ways (well at least when it comes to how men should present themselves, but when it comes to how women present themselves she is all for them having full range of expression)

I just don't want to deal with her nonsense. It is a shame because aside from that I really love her and care for her.

There are also "nosey" neighbors that tell her of what I am wearing when I head out. (yes you heard me right.) One time when I was living in my own apartment my mom came over and in the conversation asked me to not wear what I like in areas she frequents. She does not want her friends seeing me.

In short it is not really my fear I deal with, it is other people's fears.

I will say though. I think us "choosing our battles" is a major part of the problem. If there was ever a day that was clearly called "fashion freedom day" I would surely participate, and in my most exotic get up. But you see, there are no such days. I do do my part. I get out there in my stuff, just not around the airport, and "running under the radar" of my mom. I wear leggings or spandex jeans to work regularly, have yet to get the gumption to don a skirt though. Would absolutely love to though.

[Nikki A.]

How about job and career and the responsibility of supporting my family. Once the kids are on their own maybe Then I can trully be who I want to be whenever I want to be. In the meanwhile I will go out and interact with people when I choose to and where I choose.

[LitaKelley]

I used to be worried.. Now I just don't care.. I go out.. I go to my local supermarket dressed.. I get coffee at my local Dunkin Donuts while dressed...I go to McDonald's dressed... I go shopping locally and out of town.. I even go out in my own backyard dressed, even walk out front and cross the street to get the mail.. I drive.. I go out.. I get gas.. I told friends, I told some family, I even put an en femme photo of myself as my profile pic on my male self's facebook as some means of telling everyone else I know.... I don't care about what the neighbors think, certainly not the many strangers out there,,, and if a friend has a problem, then they're not much of a friend, but to date, I have yet to encounter anything negative whatsoever from anyone. I am blessed and fortunate that those closest to me are open minded and accepting.

The ONLY people I don't want finding out from anyone else but ME is my two older daughters nor do I want my mother or aunt to know, because my daughters live with them. (long story)... nonetheless, I HATE both of these women for their backstabbing and what they've done to me, and had my daughters not been living with them, I'd in a heartbeat show up on their doorsteps fully dressed in the sexiest and ****tiest outfit possible in the hope of causing them a heart attack. My wife and I both mutually agree that we don't want her parents nor anyone else in her family to know either, however, many of her friends know.. a few of whom actually think it's "cool", lol.. and one of them even commented that she loves crossdressers... "SHE'S SINGLE BY THE WAY, LOL"

Being "caught" in itself is a blessing, for had I not been purposely caught in panties by my wife a few months back, then I may of never found my self, for that was what opened the door and paved the road I take on this long journey...... Things have definitely progressed. I'm going full time, but that's for another thread.

[AllieSF]

MJ you have been here for a long time and have read a lot of posts detailing valid reasons for not coming out. All of us have our stories and reasons, what might not be valid to one person are more than valid for the next. I know you mean well and want to encourage more people to come out. And I also understand that the more of us out there in front of people the more chances there are that the general public would start realizing that we are not as bad and weird as they might think that we are. However, all that being said, the decision to come out or not can only be made by one person and no one should be using peer pressure to encourage or pressure someone to do that if they are not ready.

In my case, there is no need to know for my family and male mode friends. Yes, a few aspects of my life may get easier,. However, the negatives far outweigh the potential positives of coming out to them. Since there is no compelling reason for me to out myself, I am more than happy to continue my life as I am now. Maybe in the future I will change my mind. But right now, no way. I also have no fear in going out and meeting new people and interacting with complete strangers. I also have no fear to make the decision when I think, if I ever think, that it would be in my best interests to come out to them.

[Sophie_C]

I'm not really afraid, per se, as I am well aware that the femininity that I can't hide that well has led me to have this perpetual rumor of being gay. And, to people I know, they're looked upon as one in the same (if you crossdress, you're gay, but gay is sorta ok). So, it wouldn't change much if I dressed in public every so often, but to me, given that I'm more trans than a crossdresser, anything partial really doesn't make any sort of resolution or peace to myself, so I see no point in doing it.

[KellyCD]

Well considering my father went to prison for murder.....and when my mother found me wearing a bra she pistol whipped me(yes, with a pistol....a S&W .38 snub nose revolver...loaded BTW) until I was knocked out cold.....yeah I think I have plenty enough reason NOT to come out. Plus with my career I would not only lose my job, and my ability to support my kids....but I would prob end up with a dishonorable discharge so I would be screwed for the rest of my life.

[aya-chan]

For me it's definitely fear of rejection. Just that my family won't accept what I'm doing as right. To be honest I just don't want to feel like their disappointed with who I am.

[paulinescotlandcd]

Very simple for me. There is still a huge stigma attached to crossdressing. As I said to a gay friend (who was once married and had a child) who knows about Pauline you got zero flack or even any problems when you came out as gay,do you think the same could be said for me? He agreed that these days it would be easier to come out as as gay rather than a hetro crossdresser.

[tinachristina]

Well considering my father went to prison for murder.....and when my mother found me wearing a bra she pistol whipped me(yes, with a pistol....a S&W .38 snub nose revolver...loaded BTW) until I was knocked out cold.....yeah I think I have plenty enough reason NOT to come out. Plus with my career I would not only lose my job, and my ability to support my kids....but I would prob end up with a dishonorable discharge so I would be screwed for the rest of my life.

Wohh that is extreme.... and I think highly intolerant too.
When I came out to family fortunately they did not take it so bad. My mother is still not ok to talk about it but she is accepting. My sister has accepted though. I think the biggest thing is 'ridicule' and to explain to so many people why's and when's and hows. Once I told to one of my friends. She disappeared for two years out of sight. I dont want to take that risk anymore.
Wifey is totally accepting though.
Another taboo is being labelled 'gay'. Nothing wrong with it but it needs more explanation . So if CD explanation is X , CD + not gay = 2x.
Also walking in open all dressed up is no no with all creepy guys around you.
But with time I guess I will open up more than I can today. I dont care that much.

[Raychel]

For me I could not handle any Rejection associated with telling the family. I had a very rough childhood, The school years took a pretty good mental toll on me. My life is calm and relitivly stable now. I like it that way. Why chance messing with that.

[Stephanie Miller]

Why is it always about me,me,me ? I know this forum is for support of each other but for Gods sake, why is it always about us? There are tons of reasons I don't stand on the rooftop and yell "I'm a C.D., live with it. I do!" Good for you if you want to, but I have others to think about. What one person does effects so many in our lives. You may be up to getting ridiculed or put down, loose a job or end a marriage. But your wife doesn't want to be talked about behind her back throughout the neighborhood. The kids don't want to be poked fun at on the school yard. The boss doesn't want to loose customers because there's a "fag" working for him/her. The list goes on and on. I do understand the need to be out and about in order to change the perception of CD's. So don't stop going out. Just be smart about where and when. And for those that have nothing to loose - Bully for you. Go for it. Gods speed. Just don't pressure us that can loose.

[sherri]

MJ,

It takes a very strong individual to risk losing all to be their true self.

Danni

For some, in certain circumstances, it could be a sign of strength. If a person can be totally out without hurting others, and still be a productive member of society, then I salute her. But for the majority of us, given the culture we live in, it could be the epitome of self-absorption and weakness. I would consider someone willing to leave a broken marriage, shattered relationships and a ruined career in her wake for the sake of her own gratification to be undeserving of my respect. Self-realization is all well and good, but selfishness is not a virtue.

[Amanda22]

I think this is a good thread; thanks for starting it. I'm super fortunate in that I work remotely for a virtual company, and I'm the main person in a very small company. So risk of job loss due to crossdressing is non-existent. I've come out to the friends and family who matter to me and some have left my life and others have been accepting/supportive. And I have the support of my incredible wife. To sum it up, I think my situation is unusual and very, very fortunate. Therefore, I go wherever I like dressed however I like.

I don't want to change the intent of MJ's post. However, when I read it, I didn't think she was challenging others to risk jobs and marriages. I may be totally off base here, but I read it with the assumption that a person wouldn't do anything stupid to risk job/family/etc. My interpretation was that the topic is simply addressing the fear of presenting oneself authentically to the world at large and worrying about what strangers think, assuming we're not risking the aforementioned stable foundations of life. I took the challenge to be "why are we scared what strangers think?" but I may be changing the OP's intent.

[MJ]

MJ you have been here for a long time and have read a lot of posts detailing valid reasons for not coming out.

I know you mean well and want to encourage more people to come out.

is simply addressing the fear of presenting oneself authentically to the world at large and worrying about what strangers think, assuming we're not risking the aforementioned stable foundations of life. I took the challenge to be "why are we scared what strangers think?" but I may be changing the OP's intent.

Thank you Mandy

you got it...

but there are new members and i do feel your pain, i have had the amazing privilege to meet many wonderful members from here wonderful people.

you don't have to be out...out but coffee with like minded friends get out of the closet it's not so bad out in the real world ..
i just want you to be happy have fun meet new friends get out there just because you all rock and you deserve way better
big huggs
love you all

[Roberta Marie]

MJ


We all have our own way to go in this life, our own path to walk. What may work for you on your path may not work for someone on a different path. The needs and desires of a TS are quite different than the needs and desires of a CD. We all make decisions based on the circumstances in which we find ourselves. The decisions that you make for the circumsatnces of your life may be quite different that the decisions that I make for the circumstances in my life. I would not ask you to live by the decisions that I make for me, and I ask you not expect me to make the same decisions that you have made. Because your decisions are different than mine does not make them any more right or wrong than mine. You want respect for who you are regardless of the path that you are on, so please, respect others for who they are regardless of the path that they are on. Please don't judge me because my decisions are different than yours.

Grace,
Bobbi

[GingerLeigh]

Fear.
Sure it's justified and it's bad. People only suspect me of crossdressing and already there is hate and animosity thrown my way. What do I fear? Personal harm, isolation and ridicule. I've already been subjected to it and I never admitted to anything. Who doesn't fear that?
Even though nobody else does, I have accepted myself for who I am. I applaud those of us that take the fight to the streets to make the public aware of who we really are. Am I prepared to stand up and rally behind those that stand for us? Nope. Am I a coward for that? No, because I have so much more to lose than my (damaged) status, my family. Who wants their kid to come home from school saying "...Johnny said daddy's a fag, what's a fag Daddy?..." This scares me more than death itself.

Ginger