Secrecy is power

[Tima]

[SIZE="2"]I’m beginning to think I should be more secretive, and withhold my precious crossdressing, keeping it near and dear to my heart. I have learned to suppress my desire to dress simply by being at college most of the time, unable to wear feminine outer-garments among my fellow students. They wouldn’t hurt me, nor would they make fun of me (I think). I feel the need to hide away and delay pleasure for a later, more personal time, but, by the same token, I feel the need to express myself.

Case in point: on Thanksgiving Day I went to my grandmother’s house for dinner with my family. I was going to write about this at the time, but I felt a bit shy about it. My aunt, who I live with, didn’t feel well enough to go this year, so I was her representative. I think she did this on purpose to give me the opportunity to confront my mother. I talk to my mother all the time on the phone, mainly about school, but she hadn’t actually seen me for a while. I decided to dress up a little and “come out” in a more exaggerated way, even though my presentation was rather reserved.

I should explain that my family knows about my homosexuality, but crossdressing is something beyond their comprehension. Armed with knowledge and wisdom I’ve picked up from this site, I arrived at my grandmother’s house at the appointed time for Thanksgiving dinner. I wore a red kilt (which looks just like a skirt), with black tights, a pair of women’s shoes with low heels, and an attractive female sweater. My hair is long, so I fashioned it into a ponytail, and I wore some cute earrings, along with the barest hint of makeup. Most of my relatives were OK with my overall appearance, but I sensed a certain reticence on their part. Everybody smiled, with a “get a load of him” look on their faces. Nobody reached out to me, but I wasn’t expecting anything. The children (my nieces and nephews) giggled, but I just giggled back – they all like me, no matter how I look. It’s strange. Everyone in my family is seemingly OK with my effeminate nature, as long as I dress as a male. As soon as I dress the way I wish to dress, which only seems natural, most of them get uncomfortable and distant. There are exceptions, of course, but I feel sad that this happens.

I spent a lot of time in the kitchen, helping my grandmother with the presentation of the meal. I brought things to the table, and then enjoyed the sumptuous dinner with everyone else. I sat opposite my mother, and she studied me with a curious, knowing expression. My father was there, too, but he is neutral about what I do, or what I am, or what I want to be – my mother is the sticking point. After dinner I helped clean up, and I once again stayed in the kitchen, wearing a cute apron as I washed dishes. My grandmother hugged me for my efforts! Eventually, I was cornered by my mother, and she asked me about my semi-feminine wardrobe. I explained to her that I was expressing myself, and she’s going to have to get used to it. She wanted to discuss my open crossdressing, asking the same questions that everyone else asks, and I struggled to give her sensible answers, adjusting my responses to her lack of education about the subject. I’m not sure if it was worth the effort, but I tried.

Crossdressing is hard to explain, but I got the feeling that my mother is beginning to understand what her son is all about. She didn’t admonish me, nor did she wish to discuss the issue any further. To my surprise, and at a loss for words, she hugged me and said, “I love you.” I hugged back, of course. My mother has always had problems with my sexual orientation, but I think the crossdressing was the frosting on the cake, either confirming her worst fears, or lightening the mood in some strange way. The thing is, I wish it was more secretive and less “out there” for all concerned, but I can’t help it. I chose to do this, but I’m wondering why I did it. Perhaps I just wanted some attention. I’m beginning to see that crossdressing is indeed a precious, magical thing, something I would like to pull back and embrace, just for me. Unfortunately, it’s far too late, and I feel lonely and isolated again. Secrecy really is power, and I feel powerless. What do you think I should do?[/SIZE]

[Bobbi Lynn]

Sorry, I'm not sure what to tell you. I understand what you are saying though. I really wish I could help.

[VS Fan]

Personally, I think you're open enough with your family to do whatever you want, but ultimately that's the crux of it: do what you're comfortable with. Some of us (myself being one of them) *wish* we were as out as you are with our families but for the sake of "normalcy" don't press the issue. I'm out only to my wife, and I think of all my family, only my father in law would remotely understand this. So for whatever reason, most of us create boundaries that we must live within. Your boundaries may be farther away from you than those that I have for myself, but we all do what we're comfortable with, until something changes that (an unplanned "out-ing", etc) or we can't take the status quo anymore. For me, I commend your bravery and your ability to express yourself to those who could hurt you the deepest (family.) All the best!

VS Fan

[JiveTurkeyOnRye]

I was at a loss the first time I read your post, so I decided to give it a second reading to really see the depth of it.

First off, correct me if I'm wrong here, but it doesn't sound like anyone in your family knew about the way you like to dress before you arrived at dinner dressed up. Which means it was something of a surprise to everyone. You then say that no one reached out to you, but it sounds like both your mother and your grandmother did. However, your reaction to your mother, that this is something she'll just have to get used to, is an apprehensive, deflective response.

I'm making a total assumption here, but based on that information, I'm guessing that your demeanor and body language, even if it was subconsciously something you were unaware of, was probably guarded and defensive. I further suspect this based on the fact that you seem to have hidden away in the kitchen. If this was the case, it also helps add to why you got the reaction you did, not only was it an unexpected look, but if they got the vibe that you were anxious about it, it probably was hard for them to be comfortable about it as well. People aren't going to be comfortable with you if you aren't comfortable with yourself.

The first few times I went out in public dressed as a guy in a skirt, I was really hyper aware of how I was dressed. I noticed every eye that was on me and as such, I was anxious and uncomfortable and didn't enjoy myself and I even said to myself I wasn't sure I would do it again. Cut to now, where I do it on an almost daily basis, and I wore a black kilt with tights and womens flat boots, as well as makeup, to thanksgiving dinner. This wasn't a family dinner, it was at a friends place, but a lot of people were there that didn't know I crossdress, and it wasn't an issue at all, everyone was at ease about it, and one girl even told my friend later after I'd left how much she loved my style. I'm not saying that this is going to be your path, but as you said, there was a reason why you felt the need to take such a bold step in outing yourself to your family as a crossdresser. May I suggest letting the dust settle a bit, have a more heartfelt conversation with your mom where you maybe let her ask you questions and try to answer them honestly and then see how comfortable you are going forth?

As for the rest of your family, it's probably just something they'll get used to, but if they weren't expecting it you really can't blame them for being shocked. As far as secrecy being power, I think you'll see that the real power will come in the feeling of being comfortable and secure.

[juligirl1984]

very nice post ryan. I never thought about how your own body language would effect others. and even being comfortable with yourself makes other kinda relax... makes total sense. I wish I was brave enough to open up like that to my family... kudos to you Timma.

[RACH99]

Hi. I'm new & still finding my way myself, so if I step on any toes it is unintentional. This is purely based on my own experience, being a mom. I cannot think of anything my child would do that would cause me to stop loving him. Even if I didn't "get it" that love would still be there even if I expressed it awkwardly. Could it be that your own doubts or fears colored how you experienced the day? Maybe mom wasn't being negative just not sure how to respond since she lacked the needed clues on how you wanted or needed her to respond?

Secrecy may mean power to you some days but on others I bet you'd love to find open acceptance from your loved ones for being just who you are.

I wish you all the best Tima. Please take what you can from my words and let the rest go.

[Karren H]

Personally in your current situation.... It sounds like the perfect time to go full time.... Your family know and accepts enough so that's not an issue and if it doesn't work out a college then transfer to another one and start a new.... Secrecy isn't power.... Its a prison.... A lonely prison..

[Jilmac]

Tima, After reading your thread I felt compelled to reply. I am sexually straight and have been all my life. I've been dressing since age 15 (wore panties and dress for first time at age 7). I'm 65 now and glad that I don't have to be secretive any more. You have already passed one hurdle in your life coming out to your family as gay. I believe expressing ones femininity as a gay person is far easier than for a straight person. I held onto my secret for too many years and I'm still very slow in coming out to my siblings and children.

I think what you did on Thanksgiving was admirable. There is nothing wrong with wearing women's clothes if you feel comfortable, it's called being yourself. As much as I enjoyed crossdressing while still in the closet, I found it difficult to be myself amongst family, friends, and especially co workers. Since coming out to my significant other (and getting her acceptance) I feel like a heavy burden has been lifted and I can now be free to be myself. You may believe that secrecy is power, but perhaps in time you may realize how powerful being yourself actually is.

[Andrea's Lynne]

I wish you the best, sweetie! And, like you, did the majority of the "women's work" on turkey day. Although I wasn't dressed as prettily as you

[Kendappa]

Personally in your current situation.... It sounds like the perfect time to go full time.... Your family know and accepts enough so that's not an issue and if it doesn't work out a college then transfer to another one and start a new.... Secrecy isn't power.... Its a prison.... A lonely prison..

I think Karren is right, you shouldn't hide it. Besides all the important people in your life already know, right?

[Debb]

Openness is power.

You did a great job, I think, of gently "coming out of the closet". Frankly it sounds as if your mom may be thinking to herself, "No wonder! Tima is a girl in the wrong body, he's a she, so now I can get over the homosexuality" or some such thoughts. It sounds as if your mom will be more accepting in future, which is a Good Thing.

Perhaps you're feeling the same feeling that many of us felt when we came out -- sort of a buyer's remorse, or a let-down because folks reacted in a "meh" way, instead of getting all excited. The feelings associated with coming out are largely our own, in some situations; *we* get to feel the excitement of finally being ourselves, while the rest of the family/group/whatever get to sink or swim on their own feelings. Often the feelings of others around you are more like it was always expected.

I think you've taken a huge, positive step towards being open. 'Cmon out into the light, it's ok, it's wonderful!

[Gerrijerry]

All I can say is that for everyone I personally know that are both gay and crossdress. It became much easier when they were dressing full time as a woman. people see gender in what we wear and how we act. since you like males they would expect you to be a woman. Dressing that way full time would make life much easier. I am not gay however I am full time and when I started that way I found it was much easier then being part time. Others simply see me as a woman. Treat me that way and life goes on. If your goal is to be accepted then full time is much more accepted then part time. Just my thoughts.

[girlalex]

I agree with Karren. you have to be your self in order to achieve full potential of what you can do. example. lets say you like to draw, which is something i like doing. im an art major by the way. anyways lets say you like drawing or doing something else as your hobby. now trying doing whatever it is you like in drab, then try it out all dressed up and everything just like how you feel. then look at the different of whatever you were doing and im pretty sure that the work you would do when dressed would look better. another thing is as far as coming out to friends, i would say take it easy and go slow. don't just dress up one day and come out. in my opinion dress up on Halloween and see their reaction. if they say nasty stuff then i guess not, but if they like how you look and give you complements then you can go further on and i guess joke about dressing up on every major holiday and see what they say. this is something i would do.

[Tima]

[SIZE="2"]I thank everyone for their heartfelt comments and advice. I wish I had more time to respond to each and every member in turn.
[/SIZE]

First off, correct me if I'm wrong here, but it doesn't sound like anyone in your family knew about the way you like to dress before you arrived at dinner dressed up. Which means it was something of a surprise to everyone. You then say that no one reached out to you, but it sounds like both your mother and your grandmother did. However, your reaction to your mother, that this is something she'll just have to get used to, is an apprehensive, deflective response. I'm guessing that your demeanor and body language, even if it was subconsciously something you were unaware of, was probably guarded and defensive.

[SIZE="2"]I only get to be among my family on occasions like this, and a year ago I was less inclined to be dressed a certain way in their presence. So, no, they were generally not aware of my inclination towards feminine dress. You are absolutely correct when you say my body language was guarded and defensive. I have a complex relationship with my mother. I expected a confrontation with her, since I knew she wouldn’t be happy with my appearance. This may explain my deflecting comment, and apprehension is precisely what I was feeling. My appearance was perhaps at 70% feminine, far beyond what anyone in my family had seen from me up to this point. I was very nervous, to be sure. My grandmother likes me, and she was happy for the help, while my mother’s “reaching out” could be interpreted as a deflection on her part, waiting for a better time and a better place for further discussion.[/SIZE]

…as you said, there was a reason why you felt the need to take such a bold step in outing yourself to your family as a crossdresser. May I suggest letting the dust settle a bit, have a more heartfelt conversation with your mom where you maybe let her ask you questions and try to answer them honestly and then see how comfortable you are going forth?

[SIZE="2"]My mother and I did talk a little. She asked me if I wanted to become a woman, and that surprised me. I told her I’m not sure if I qualify. I mean, I may look female, and do certain things in a certain way that people may read as “feminine,” but I don’t feel like a female trapped in a male body. I think and feel, but I don’t know how a woman thinks and feels. I’m learning, but I’m rather young and inexperienced at this time. I may simply be an effeminate male. I didn’t really have any definite answers for her.[/SIZE]

As for the rest of your family, it's probably just something they'll get used to, but if they weren't expecting it you really can't blame them for being shocked. As far as secrecy being power, I think you'll see that the real power will come in the feeling of being comfortable and secure.

[SIZE="2"]Oh, I’m sure you’re right. It was a step forward, and I’m somewhat surprised I did it, but it’s beginning to slowly sink in. It’s just a little shocking to me that I was “out” in this manner, away from my sheltered existence. I think security is just over the horizon, waiting for me.[/SIZE]

Perhaps you're feeling the same feeling that many of us felt when we came out -- sort of a buyer's remorse, or a let-down because folks reacted in a "meh" way, instead of getting all excited. The feelings associated with coming out are largely our own, in some situations; *we* get to feel the excitement of finally being ourselves, while the rest of the family/group/whatever get to sink or swim on their own feelings. Often the feelings of others around you are more like it was always expected.

[SIZE="2"]The rest of the family kept their thoughts to themselves. I did feel a bit winded about this at the time (and when I wrote the OP). I guess crossdressing is a difficult thing for others to understand. It’s definitely exciting for us, in fact I would be overjoyed about someone dressing up to visit with me – naturally, I would be highly supportive. In real life it’s a rare and fragile thing, something that craves support and understanding, especially from loved ones. I am apart by nature, but not separate from my family just yet. I don’t fit in. Same as it ever was, but I need their love. Maybe I can do a little more (a follow-up) next month, around Christmas – we’ll soon see.[/SIZE]