I've met the end of the road... Idk what to do go on day by day

[Zoie]

Well so my day was ok argued with wife over phone over a few small things.. petty really but then I come home and go upstairs to change. Soon as I walk into room the place where I hid my stuff is on the bed.. I know I'm busted and there is a piece of paper saying "F*ck You"! So I sit on the bed for a second knowing this is not going to be a good conversation since I've been there a few times before in the past. I call up the wife to talk she says "I don't want to talk I need to finish dinner" I tell her that I am sorry first off and its not her so dont hate herself cause I know what she is thinking. She has blamed herself in the past for me doing this thinking it is something she has done or is lacking to give to me.. I tell her of course that it is bullshit and that I do love her and only her (which is 100% true). I tell her "I will throw the items away on my day off so i pack them up and put them away.. knowing that I will have to go back to either not doing it or hiding it again and starting the cycle over again.

I hug her and say I'll try to get counseling anything idk.. what does she want me too do. I wish I could change like a push of a magic button for her.. it sucks.. this feeling yet I cant change my brain..

I sometimes wonder if I was dead would things be better for them I know they would have a hell of alot of cash from my insurance money.. course I dont want this nor do I want to do anything rash (im not suicidal so dont thing that people.. but it does make one think if gone would things move on more easier).

So now wife is reminded of this and its hanging over my head..

i say if you want a divorce I wont hold u.. she of course says she doesnt... since this isnt first time shes found these type of items (being womens clothing of course).. usually she throws them away.. and either tells me or didnt.. so I knew she knew .. but this time nope a note and the items on the bed!

She closed with saying "I would rather have you cheat on me.. I could deal with that easier.."

Sorry to rant but I have NO ONE I can talk to about this.. I feel very alone.. very dead inside.. idk.. sorry to rant

[MaidJamie]

Zoie, my heart goes out to you... and your wife.

You are both feeling badly about the situation. All I can advise you is: communicate and communicate honestly. For this to work your wife needs to listen, understand and accept this is a part of you that you cannot change and you need to fully understand and accept her feelings of anger, fear and betrayal. You both need to reach common ground where she feels reassured. She might not like the crossdressing but will be reassured and accept that it is part of you. You can't continue to hide this part of yourself from her. I'm sure a sensitive counselor would be very useful. Once the "heat goes out" of the situation, your wife might be prepared to read some of the literature available or even join this forum and share with the GG's here, many of whom have been in this situation.

You are not alone here.

[MJ]

you and the wife need help.. go talk to someone who deals with gender and cding ... you can't stop you will do it all again. this sounds harsh but what choice do you have work things out or you both go your separate ways

see if the wife will join the forum she may find the help needs here among like minded souls

[Mary Morgan]

Zoie, I'm sorry for your pain and anguish. I'm sorry your wife is in pain as well, but you need to step back for a moment and think without the emotion. Councelling is a great idea provided you find the right type of counsellor, you and your wife both go either separate or together, and finally that you understand some things about the possible outcome. If you are going to be cured, save your money. If you are going to work on your relationship then full speed ahead. Just my two cents.

[eluuzion]

Zoie,

Well, you ask for my 2 cents worth, and you get a $1 dollar! See, things are lookin' up already, lol..

You have already taken the most important step you could possibly take. You recognized that you needed help, and you asked others to help you.

One thing that is an inevitable part of life is that there will be times when your cart will leave the tracks. Unfortunately, there are also going to be a few times when this event will be followed by the wheels falling off the cart too… This appears to be one of those times for you.

Yes it is a serious situation. No, it is not a hopeless situation. It just appears that way because your mind is overloaded right now and shorting out your ability to think productively…or possibly “at all” right now. It’s a scary experience, but I can assure you…it is temporary.

The mind is just another body “part”, like an arm or a leg. When you break a leg, you can still function with a limp. When you blow your mind, everything seems to shut down or “end”. This is just your mind warning you that it has become overloaded by the current crisis and protecting itself by refusing to process more data until it recovers. It is forcing you to “take a break” from the crisis to “get things in perspective” before you make any more decisions or assumptions about the position you are in.

It is not the “end of the world”. There are always options in any circumstance. You are just in shock right now and can’t think rationally enough to see them. This strategy you have employed to deal with your CD and the relationship with your wife has run it’s course. You have simply proven to yourself that “doing the same thing over and over, and expecting a different outcome is indeed…the definition of insanity“…

You are not alone…we have all tried that strategy at some point and failed in the end…lol.

So, what is my point here? It is this…

You have options. One of these is to take time to calm down and realize the only way it can possibly be the “end of the road”, is if you decide to “give up”. You have many options. They are just not going to be the “ideal” and “unrealistic” options that you wish were available.

One of your options may be to realize that you and your SO are both good people. You may be able to seek counseling that will help you both resolve your unhappiness. This may result in discovering a way to continue to live together, or facing the reality that doing so is not a realistic expectation in the long term. But you will both will have the reassurance of looking back at this in the future, knowing both of you did everything possible to find a way to stay together, before you decided to go separate ways…

Whatever the outcome, you owe it to yourself and your SO to take your best shot at resolving this with your wife. You will both be glad you made the effort when you look back at this later, regardless of the outcome…

Good Luck,

[Christy_M]

I am truly sorry that you are going through this. I want to reach out and give you a hug. My heart goes out to you and your wife. I deeply understand your situation and I believe we are all here to talk to you about this. I seriously recommend that you and your wife find a therapist that deals with TG issues. They are so much more qualified to give guidance and help than what you will get out of our support and opinions. While many of us have lived through this type of situation, we certainly don't have the magic bullet to make it all better. It will take some time with someone pulling all the emotions out of both of you before you will get to a place where your relationship can move forward in a positive way. You are special to your family and even your wife has acknowledged that by saying she doesn't want a divorce. Please know that we are here for you.

Christy

[Zoie]

Thank you sooooo much I will think on this advice and go from there...

[Pythos]

and now I come into this.

Your wife has some serious issues. That is shown by this line, "I would rather have you cheat on me.. I could deal with that easier..".

That is a pure sign she is just being irrational.

Perhaps you should throw any of her clothing she got from the men's aisle, or clothing that at one time was for men only!!!!! Where do spouses get off throwing away property of their spouse like that. For me that is a pure sign of disrespect!!!! I would not have it, and missy would be out on the street!!!!. Well at least in the dog house. (unless we had been together for more than a few years, with full knowledge of this side of me).
Once again I will ask, Do you "allow" her to drive, have a job, play sports, be out on her own without you or a male family member in escort, ect.

How about, do you do drugs, are you a pimp, do you beat her, do you show her disrespect?

Have you ever actually asked her what it is she has an issue with? When you dress do you do stupid things like cheat on her (oh wait, no, you don't, all you do is wear some "odd" styles for a man to wear)

You do need counseling, but I think it is more counseling of her that has to take place.

I'm sorry but she just strikes me as someone acting like an irrational B__ch.

[Roberta Marie]

Zoie,

I have to agree that communication is the key, open and honest communication. And don't forget that the most important part of communication is listening. Don't listen with the idea that you are going to answer what she is saying, but rather listen with the intent to understand her and her feelings.

I'm sure that she is having just as many mixed up emotions running around her heart at this moment as you are. If you can help her sort out and understand her emotions she will be in a better frame of mind to deal with what your crossdressing means to her. Not until you understand her emotions will you be able to help her understand what crossdressing means to you. Just like we all have at one time felt that we are totally alone in the world, that there is no one else like us, that has these needs, she may very well feel that same way, that there are no other wives out there that are going through this, that she is alone. Perhaps if she were to join the FAB forum here, or A Crossdressers Secret Garden, she might find it easier to understand that she is not alone.

You both are in my prayers.

Grace,
Bobbi

[celeste26]

This is just one more case of not telling the prospective wife about your choice of clothing and the painful results of lack of communication. While I have sympathy for the pain you are going through currently it is not without precedent. We could go through the files here of how many others who have gone through the very same experience. No you are not alone, but it is a rather sordid group, bound together by the terror of not knowing when the wife will find out.

Please folks learn the lesson and begin the communication process NOW! If you really love your wives and respect them then you owe it to them. Not letting them know means essentially you dont really trust them, and that is not the basis for a loving relationship. On the flip side of all of this are the ones who told their brides before any commitments took place and they could form a marriage on the basis of love and trust and we enjoy it all the more.

Moralizing is over for now.,

[Roberta Marie]

and now I come into this.

Your wife has some serious issues. That is shown by this line, "I would rather have you cheat on me.. I could deal with that easier..".

That is a pure sign she is just being irrational.

Perhaps you should throw any of her clothing she got from the men's aisle, or clothing that at one time was for men only!!!!! Where do spouses get off throwing away property of their spouse like that. For me that is a pure sign of disrespect!!!! I would not have it, and missy would be out on the street!!!!. Well at least in the dog house. (unless we had been together for more than a few years, with full knowledge of this side of me).
Once again I will ask, Do you "allow" her to drive, have a job, play sports, be out on her own without you or a male family member in escort, ect.

How about, do you do drugs, are you a pimp, do you beat her, do you show her disrespect?

Have you ever actually asked her what it is she has an issue with? When you dress do you do stupid things like cheat on her (oh wait, no, you don't, all you do is wear some "odd" styles for a man to wear)

You do need counseling, but I think it is more counseling of her that has to take place.

I'm sorry but she just strikes me as someone acting like an irrational B__ch.

Irrational? Sure, that's what fear and other emotions that go through a wife's heart can do, cause them to be irrational. But, attacking her for being afraid will not help the situation.

You've never acted irrationally? You've never done anything out of fear? If so, you are very lucky.

I think we need to have a bit of empathy here for both and her wife. They both are in foreign waters, even more unfamiliar for her wife. Reacting in such a radical manner to irrational thinking will only cause more irrationality, more fear, and build a higher wall between the two.

Sorry for the rant, but I fail to see how anything can be gained by judging someone in such an emotional state with no empathy or understanding of what they are going through.

Just my opinion.

Grace,
Bobbi

[docrobbysherry]

Zoie, I'm so sorry you have to suffer this pain! Please know that U R NOT ALONE!

There r MANY others just like u here! Wanting so badly to dress, wanting NOT to hurt their loves just as badly!

I've had EXCELLENT results from my experienced, qualified, therapist. You need to SEE ONE RITE AWAY! He/she will help u to understand your desire to dress! And, they will address your OTHER marriage issues also! I KNOW u have them, because I've been married! Lol!

Your wife may resist going. So, u must start the ball rolling yourself! Maybe u should say you're going out of relationship frustrations! Later, she may go alone to discuss her marriage issues. The therapist will naturally work into your dressing issues and eventually, u 2 can go together!

If u both wish to stay together, you'll see it thru and I predict a HAPPY ENDING for u!

[gwenbeth]

I also agree with the suggestions for both you and your wife to see a therapist. My wife and I are separately seeing the same therapist trying to get through our own individual issues so that we can get to our relationship issues.

[bridgetta]

suicide . its not a solution........ as for the clothing thing... its just ****ing fabric.. shaped fabric... its not real.it doesnt change who you are.... its just soft nice fabric... we as cd's need to explain that to people...

[Miss Misery]

and now I come into this.

Your wife has some serious issues. That is shown by this line, "I would rather have you cheat on me.. I could deal with that easier..".

That is a pure sign she is just being irrational.

Perhaps you should throw any of her clothing she got from the men's aisle, or clothing that at one time was for men only!!!!! Where do spouses get off throwing away property of their spouse like that. For me that is a pure sign of disrespect!!!! I would not have it, and missy would be out on the street!!!!. Well at least in the dog house. (unless we had been together for more than a few years, with full knowledge of this side of me).
Once again I will ask, Do you "allow" her to drive, have a job, play sports, be out on her own without you or a male family member in escort, ect.

How about, do you do drugs, are you a pimp, do you beat her, do you show her disrespect?

Have you ever actually asked her what it is she has an issue with? When you dress do you do stupid things like cheat on her (oh wait, no, you don't, all you do is wear some "odd" styles for a man to wear)

Hi Pythos -

While I agree that the wife's behavior is irrational her comment about cheating may actually demonstrate her lack of understanding of CD behavior. She thinks that cheating is something she could understand someone doing and perhaps she knows someone who has/is cheating or has contemplated it herself. I'll bet she doesn't know any other CD/TS besides her husband. Also, notice she never says cheating wouldn't end the relationship. Just that she could relate to it better.

I totally agree that there are plenty of worse things a partner could do in a relationship. (some of them considered things "traditional men" do but we won't go there again). It depends on how committed she is to working things out (funny, how committment usually means "you stop CDing period") when she realizes that cessation is not a viable option but setting oneself up for disappointment and failure.

Zoie, I'm so sorry you have to suffer this pain! Please know that U R NOT ALONE!

There r MANY others just like u here! Wanting so badly to dress, wanting NOT to hurt their loves just as badly!

I've had EXCELLENT results from my experienced, qualified, therapist. You need to SEE ONE RITE AWAY! He/she will help u to understand your desire to dress! And, they will address your OTHER marriage issues also! I KNOW u have them, because I've been married! Lol!

Your wife may resist going. So, u must start the ball rolling yourself! Maybe u should say you're going out of relationship frustrations! Later, she may go alone to discuss her marriage issues. The therapist will naturally work into your dressing issues and eventually, u 2 can go together!

Docrobby - while the OS may want to learn "why " they desire to dress, I have a hard time thinking a therapist is any better at explaining it than you or me. The why is not so important as the "how do we deal with it?"

Good luck and be straight with her. Don't just say what you think she wants to hear or what will keep her.

[Lucy_Bella]

Zoie,

I feel your pain, my ex was a knowing but non accepting person also.. She always held it over my head ,called me names threw things away.. I will give her this tho, she tried.. She tried very hard to understand and of course I had no answers other than I was sorry... ( before the internet ) I couldn't explain and communicate with her over something I never understood myself.. Like you, me being sorry just wasn't enough for her after so many times, she sometimes blamed herself or thought out of love it would be best for me to be who I wanted to be ,because she thought I was unhappy with her or felt I wanted to become a woman..

This went on for over 20 years, intermittenly of course and finally we parted ways over 2 years ago.. That was when I joined forums and searched other sites for information and discovered that I wasn't alone.. Had I had this wealth of information that I gained through stories on here as well as other places ,I sure as hell would have put them to good use.. But there is no going back now for me too many other issues that she brought on pretty much ruined it. She blames me for all of the issues ( my desire for dressing ) as she has done on so many other issues we had toward the end.

I really don't think it's to late for you to save your marriage, use the information you learnt that fits how you are best and comunicate them with your wife.The biggest mistake would be leading her on that you can stop. She sounds as if she is somewhat mis informed about who you are and we both know that completely stopping isn't an option it will happen again.
Talk to her in a calm manner explaining yourself the best you can, being honest and gain her trust. Doing something that comes naturally for you to express isn't a reason to tell your wife that you are sorry..She deserves to know more about who you are.

I really wish the best for you I hope things work out..

[Ashliegh]

This is a very difficult situation to be in. I don't envy you. That said, you have put yourself there. Telling her you will throw it away and give it up is a lie. To yourself and to your wife. By not being upfront from the start you have created this situation, you know it won't go away, it's as much a part of you as the nose n your face, and yet you said you have told her in the past you will throw away those things. It may be that in time she will come too accept you for who you are, if so, great! But if she accepts only a part of you and not the rest, you will never be truly happy. Be honest. Be open. Ask her to do the same. If it is too much for her to cope with it will be better for you both to move on. This will always be there. She loves all of you or none of you, there is no picking and choosing the parts of a person you love. That's what unconditional love is about.

suicide . its not a solution........ as for the clothing thing... its just ****ing fabric.. shaped fabric... its not real.it doesnt change who you are.... its just soft nice fabric... we as cd's need to explain that to people...

I agree completely with the first part, suicide is never an answer and only hurts the ones closest to you. As for the clothes being only fabric? I question that. If that were the case why not just wear men's clothes that are made with those types of fabric? They are out there. I think it goes deeper than that, the fact that they are WOMAN'S clothes is a major part of it.

I do wish you the best of luck, and I truly hope everything works out for you. Stay true to yourself, keep honest and open communication as a top priority, and you will eventually find happiness. Whether it is with your wife, or someone else in the future.

[Joanne f]

It is an unusual statement to make " i would rather you cheat on me" so i would imagine that there is more to her dislike of you cross dressing than meets the eye and it is that statement that you need to talk about more than the cross dressing it`s self , it almost sounds like your wife has heard of or knows something bad has happen involving a cross dresser.
It is this possible fear of something that you need to address long before you think about cross dressing around your wife.

[Zoie]

Sorry I haven't replied I have read and re-read the comments over and over.. Im just trying to take it all in and see what best fits me in my heart. I appreciate all the kind words and the support you all have been great. One thing I am not trying to do is get pitty.. I do love your words of wisdom and you all have been wonderful to me. I will let you know how things work out.. I just pray I dont redo the cycle again and loose myself to just agree to throw the items away and to stop.. I know inside my mind it will happen again.. but I cant seem to change the cycle.

Well thanks again and no matter what I WON'T be leaving these forums.. this is my only outlet at the moment and my therapy for myself.

Thank you kindly each and every one of you.. you don't know how much the replies have touched my heart.

-Zoie

[Zoie]

Ok so here are the two emails the first is the one I wrote to my wife. (She has always been able to talk about her feelings better this way then in person)

To my Wife,

First off let me start my apologizing too you again. I am emailing you because I know it’s easier for you to express your emotions in this fashion. I know that isn’t an easy thing to find and to deal with. Do not blame yourself you didn’t do anything nor is it something that you are lacking to give to me, Let me explain more.

This is something that didn’t start after I met you. I have been doing this since I was say 8 or 9 and I first started to show these odd feelings at around the age of kindergarten. I use to roll down my socks real low not knowing why I did it. Over the years I have always done it in some way or fashion. I went into cycles I would get the items and make myself throw them away. So this isn’t something that you drove me to do. This doesn’t mean that I am not attracted too you nor that I want to be anything that I’m not or change who I am in any fashion. I truly do think however that its chemical and something that I was born with. There are many… many others that do the same thing and have been in my shoes and that continue to battle this daily the same way. I know finding these items yet again doesn’t help the situation but what I’m trying to tell you is I’ve tried to throw them away myself over and over.

So now to the present I know you want me to throw them away and I will but keep in mind this won’t help the issue really. I will still have these urges as I have in the past. Time is the only cure and I’m not 100% sure if that will fix it. I can try to go to counseling and that does seem like a good idea but I feel that will help me to understand the issue it might not solve it. I wish there was a magic button I could push to cure me. I love you as much as I have always loved you if not more over the years. I’m not with you over the kids I’m with you because I love you and you are my wife! Again don’t feel that you are not enough of a woman for me or that I do that for any reason other than to me it’s built into my DNA. I’ve even been on forums with others trying to figure out why and how to fix the issues. Some can be cured and I am always willing to try. I’ve made myself stop 100’s of times and too some success. I’ve purchased items only to make myself throw them away that very day… scolding myself and making myself vow not to again. It’s a cycle over and over. It’s not sexual I get no sexual arousal from it. It’s not to me a weird thing it’s a comfort yes but it’s something that my brain says it needs.. hard to explain.

So the only way I feel this can come to a end is if we work together but I ask you to be understanding as much as you possibly can. For one I would never expose you to this in person. I don’t want you or anyone to be uncomfortable and No I’m not asking for permission to do it either. I do need you to help also and to try and educate yourself on it. We can hide the issue but there is something wrong with me in my body or brain or however you want to label it and there isn’t a magic fix. Maybe by joining a group again and actually trying to read into it you can understand the why . You don’t have to approve or like it but try my dear to understand why it happens.. it’s not too hurt you. I would never do anything out of spite or to go against you in anyway. This is why seeing that note hurts… I can’t help it I wish I could because the last thing I want to do is hurt you.

Too say you would rather have me cheat on you because you could understand that easier I can’t understand that myself I know maybe then you could understand the why… but I don’t understand the why. Am I proud of this problem with myself? God NO I have done everything emotionally to drive it from myself.. I have been hard on myself over it my dear don’t think I have just accepted it. Maybe this is why I drive into danger to prove to myself in some sort of way.

I love you

Your Husband

[snip - deleting wife's email. It was posted without her permission - Reine]

Least I know she will stick with me no matter what.. my question is do I throw it away or not?

[AKAMichelle]

Sounds like it is time to tell the whole story. You have whitewashed the truth long enough. Tell her the truth about how you feel inside and don't throw away the clothes. You need to tell her that you can throw them away but they will come back. It will be difficult but if you push through then you might find a tad of acceptance. Hang in there. Things may get really tough but not impossible.

[Zoie]

I've tried to tell the whole story I don't know what else to tell really. I guess i could go more into my past and why I've done it. Part of me does want to be fully female yet Im also happy as a man of course. Thanks for the advice and I will go from there. (Thank you for the friend add also Michelle)

I don't want to throw the stuff away because I know I'll buy more and that hits the pocket book time and time again. I will keep talking to her though and try to get her to understand. Part of the feeling I did get was that she wishes to accept it but is finding it hard over the years yet she partly doesn't want to understand it. So how can I make someone that doesn't want to understand it understand...?

[busker]

I think one of the biggest problems is getting someone to truly understand that Cding is really an internal part of us, and that it will not go away--we can put it on the back burner (and maybe indinitely) but it doesn't seems to want to resolve itself into oblivion. Soes your wife see this a a rationale for wanting to be a woman? Does she believe that you are justifying your desires because "this is part of you"?
I wish you both well on your journey to self discovery.

[Rebecca Sue]

It sounds to me like you should both go to a therapist together, maybe if she understands that your need to dress isn't a bad thing she will quit feeling hurt and threatened by it.

[eluuzion]

[QUOTE=Zoie;2338363 So how can I make someone that doesn't want to understand it understand...?[/QUOTE]

You cannot "make" someone do anything, particularly someone who is not interested in trying...


Unless of course, you are the "Lizard King". He can do anything...

Never run with scissors...and never, never ever..."Give up"...