A story to tell-need a lot of help!

[JennaDesire]

I have to tell my story...some of you may know it already. I have been a crossdresser my whole life. I have also been alone with this my whole life. By choice. I have also been married 16 years and have 3 children. For most of my life, it has been a hidden world for me. Dressing at night, in the basement when everybody is asleep. I had to do this because not doing it would end my marriage. About 2 years ago, my wife discovered my secret world. As most of you can guess, this did not turn out good. She did not understand it, and gave me the ultimatum to stop or get out. I went to therapy for a while. For the next year I dressed on and off... the desire was always there. I would shave some of my hair off, this would start the questions. Are you doing it again? I know you are, you are sick. This has to stop. Still I could not fully stop. Dressing at night in the basement. Until July 2009. I had 16 days at home alone(wife and kids were in Europe). I lived as Jenna for 3 days, 24/7. Fully shaved and loving it! I also bought some toys to play with, and loved it. That was until I realized that I was doing this in secret. The guilt overwhelmed me and I threw everything away. When I reunited with my wife, she noticed the shaving and went ballistic. I have to say that I cannot blame her, as she does not accept this world. I stopped dressing for 14 months, until I had a business trip for 4 days in October of this year. I went all out. Beautiful lingerie, wigs, makeup, and of course, toys to play with. The first night away, I shaved parts of my body and got all dressed up in the hotel room. I spent the whole night as Jenna and was in my glory. But in the morning the guilt crept back in and I threw everything away again. I have not dressed since, but think about it all of the time. I love my wife and do not want to hurt her. She will never accept this world, so talking to her is out of the question. I feel so much at peace when I am Jenna, but if I cannot have her all the way, it is not right. If there is anybody out there who can offer some advice, or just a friend to talk to, please reach out to me. There is so much more I need to tell, but this is getting long already.

[Melinda G]

Been there, done that. I used to just shorten the hair on my legs and thin it out. Then I would go out to a motel to dress now and then. Finally when my wife was out of town, I shaved my legs. She noticed right away when she got back. I told her I just dressed up now and then for fun. She was kind of quiet and didn't say much. A few weeks later she had a boyfriend at work. The crossdressing was just part of the problem. She had a bit of a drinking problem. She finally moved out and moved in with her boyfriend. Left me the kids and the house. I was hurt for a while, but it was a blessing in disguise. I never married again.
I wish I could offer some good news, but crossdressing is a lifelong thing. And your situation likely will not have a good outcome. Most women are opposed to it. Talking will probably get you nowhere, except an ultimatum to stop or else. You can try to suppress your crossdressing urges, but they will get stronger over time. You may forget it temporarily, but something always triggers it again. Maybe you see a woman in a short skirt and heels, and the urge comes roaring back. I firmly believe crossdressing is a lifelong thing, and people need to accept it and plan their lives accordingly.

[Marissa]

I have not been in your type of situation in reference to having to decide between dressing and keeping a marriage..but have been in the situation where its either live a life of unhappiness or freedom..no matter how much I loved her. Is the sacrifice worth it? Yes, in life we all make some type of sacrifices, but normally it has a positive return or its understandable to give it up.

So you have these strong feelings to dress..hmmm can you go without from here on out? No..in your own words that would not happen..you would hide it, deceive her.. and when she finds out, she will make you feel like the guilty party without even considering why you are dressing. Now my words are not for you to take action on..but more to reflect on how things are and how things could be. Your children would suffer the most if you continued... is it worth it?

Now add Melinda's story.. yes drinking was the problem, but her wife gave up also and went elsewhere to find what she needed..so it all ends.. will that be how it will be for you.. even now your wife knows.. and believe me, its not forgotten..

I'm still wondering what more there is to the story as you stated.. usually there is. Mine was trust..it wasn't there even before the 'I do' and I blame myself for letting it even get that far since I didn't have the courage to stop it all.. but had the courage later when I could not live in a world where I didn't count. I was a dollar sign to her and her kids.. I was a shoulder when she needed, but not for when I needed one. So in the end, I weighed it out..and knew it was worth it..

That was my choice.. and it is better for me today.. so again, this is just my words and experience.. you have to decide what you want or need.. and how much you are willing to sacrifice..

Hugs,
Marissa

[eluuzion]

hiya Jenna,

One thing you might consider...

Sometimes it is not that you can't find a solution,
It is that you can not see the problem...

My first observation is that you have "agreed" with your wife's decision to define the entire family issue in terms of dealing with a "sickness" or "mental disorder". Ignorance is not credible foundation to build a viable legal defense, nor a license to practice amateur psychoanalysis.

She is understandably confused and hurt, which often preceeds anger and resentment. things can spin out of control very quickly when emotions overtake rational thought.

One option might be to "slow" down and make sure you have defined the "problem" correctly...Do you believe you are "sick"? What medical expertise do you have to support that assumption?

just a thought...

don't give up...

[LeannL]

Jenna,
The only advise I have is for you to see a therapist - actually both of you. You would benefit from some time with a knowledgeable gender therapist. I am sure someone on the forum can recommend someone in your area. (I have gone to one in Providence which is too far for you.) What you need to address is the guilt you feel. You are a person with needs that are not sick or harmful to anyone and you need not feel guilty for being who you are. You and your wife need to seek help from a couples therapist who is, again, a specialist in gender issues. This would be a forum for you and your wife to discuss your needs in the context of reaching an understanding. Your wife may never go out and buy you a bra (mine doesn't) but she needs to understand that your needs can be accommodated as they are not destructive to anyone.
Leann

[Alberta_Pat]

Jenna;

I am one of the more fortunate people here. My Mrs does accept and even participate in my dressing.

For you and your Bride, the current means of dealing with the situation WILL result in a parting of the ways.

You have taken counselling. The objective of that counselling was "to make you stop", if I read correctly. It didn't "work".

Marriage is made of compromise. I am sure that there are some things that your wife "does" that you would rather she did not.

My suggestion, in this instance, is couples counselling. With a moderator, you will be able to explain what you feel, and why you dress. She may begin to understand that this is part of THE MAN she loved enough to marry and have children with. YOU will understand what she finds objectionable.

Somewhere, there is middle ground. You know it, She knows it. A third can hel0p you both to understand where this middle ground is.

I wish you and your whole family a satisfactory resolution.

Pat

[spotlessMind]

Jenna, I feel for you. You seem to be stuck between a rock and a hard place. It's so distressing to hear of someone who has this yearning for something that I see as non-harmful and be condemned by it. I wish I had some magic advice, but I lack the experience in this topic to be giving any. However, I will say, no matter how hopeless it may seem to try to get your wife to understand this part of you, I would never give up on trying. Maybe if you can convince her to accompany you to a sympathetic counselor, she might find a third-party explanation or affirmation helps her understand and accept you better.

And of course, you always have that sympathetic and accepting ear here.

The guilty conscience makes complete sense to me. Not that I think you should feel guilty, but I understand WHY. We care about, and are influenced most by, the opinions of those closest to us. You may find SOME form of relief from that here, but ultimately, its more important to try your absolute best at finding a reasonable solution with your wife.

I read the previous replies while I was writing this and I agree that it wouldn't hurt to seek therapy. Don't let the shame and guilt convince you that something is wrong with you. Maybe your wife will never change her views but you have to keep plugging away and find something that WORKS FOR BOTH OF YOU. She is your wife; someone to never give up finding understanding from.

Good luck, and lean on us any time you need it, we are here for you =)

[Joanne f]

You say that talking is not an option but i think you are in a situation were some form of talking is the only option as you cannot dig a hole even deeper and not expect to fall into it , your wife hates it and you cannot live without it you both need to see what you are doing to each other and come to some sort of compromise , i know that seams impossible at the moment but you have no other option other than trying and remember it is as hard for your wife to understand your needs as it is hard for you to understand your wife repulsion of it , you have a hard road ahead but you must take at least a few steps and see where this road go`s

[Claire Cook]

Jenna,

This is so difficult, and I wish I had some advice. I would agree with the suggestions others have made about mutual counseling -- if your wife would go along with it. A common thread to many of our discussions is that we are not sick, nor mentally ill. Accepting our CD'ing for ourselves is important, and you should not feel guilty about it. (And very few of us change -- or want to!). Does part of the guilt result from hiding it from your wife? As above, I wish I had more advice, other than finding some way to help your wife understand, if she can.

[Helen 2]

Jenna, I am very sorry to hear this....your pain is evident even in your written words, my heart goes out to you....

My wife initially felt very similar to yours when I disclosed my cross-dressing -before we were married. We went to counselling together through which she realized that a) I would (could) never stop being a cross-dresser and b) it was mentally, physically and spiritually harmless to her.

Today I don't dress in her prescence and I don't shave my body hair as a respect to her wishes. We practice a 'don't ask, don't tell' way of life that allows me to dress when she is absent or travelling without impinging on her. She knows I dress, she knows I go out en femme, she knows I love it but we don't talk about it and it's an arrangement that's worked for the almost 30 years of our marriage.

Please consider joint counseling before giving up your marriage and relationship. Both of you may have to give a bit and limits/boundaries established, but it's worth a try. It did in our case..

Hugs
Helen

[docrobbysherry]

First, let me say your situation is SO UNFAIR!
I feel bad that u and your SO r going thru this!

My ex and I had a WONDERFUL marriage for many years.

However, the time came where I found myself taking a lot of her crap. It SEEMED easier than having yet another fite! (It had nothing to do with CDing). The resentment kept building until our therapist clued me in to the problem.
By the time I finally STOPPED TAKING CRAP, it was too late! She wouldn't accept me standing up for myself that late in our relationship. Of course, the intimacy had gone out of it by then, too. The love was gone! Staying together was NOT an option for either of us.

Maybe there's something in my experience that mite help u!?

[Zoie]

Jenna,

Many of us have been where you are now in life. If you read any of our stories on here you will see many similarities.. MINE included. I feel for you and we all are here to support you. My wife is slowly accepting who I am and its a day at a time there is no easy answer and no quick fix. Honesty is a hard thing to do because on one hand it may bring your castle to the ground or take down the gates and let you rebuild it. No one knows until they try. I too am accepting who I am and understanding that while I have this issue in my life I can still LOVE my wife and carry on a normal relationship with her. One does need to learn to control any thing in there life that effects your marriage it can be controlled but killing it wont fix it.. accepting it will and figuring out a plan to deal with it. I know everyone suggests therapy it works for some and some others not so much.

This does not mean you are a bad husband or that you wouldn't give up the air you breathe for your family. I am sure you love them more then life itself. I feel your pain through your words and I can relate more then you could possibly know my dear. You need to accept who you are first and formost and then sit down and talk to your wife. She deserves to know that this is something you need help with and support from her both good and bad. If you continue to hide it then you will hit a wall like I did at 100MPH and let me tell you it hurts.. hurts bad!

If you EVER need to talk contact me..

Last but not least always smile.. the world will smile back!

[MarinaKirax]

Well, if you accept that there is absolutely no hope for your wife to ever be , even in the slightest way, tolerant of your dressing, then you are out of options. Other than smothering a very real part of you forever, which is sad, but can be done. Of the two options, I'd work on the first. Your wife, like mine, will have reasons for the way she feels about your dressing. She may have suspicions, or assumptions that are totally unfounded about how your marriage is affected by your wanting to express this side of yourself. Make her talk. Calmly, logically, clinically. You may find that a big part of her problem with this is your secrecy itself (which, in fact, she has fostered, with her own behaviour). Openness is the way that my wife (who also dislikes the idea of my dressing) are dealing with it. You can read my earlier posts from when i was first caught, last year. Good luck. Marina

[Stephenie S]

The only option I see for you (and I think it's a very good one) is couples therapy.

You have proved to yourself over and over again that you are not going to quit. You seem to believe that your wife will never accept this. So what is left? Divorce? Separation? Both drastic solutions. A couples therapist may be able to help you both reach some sort of compromise. That would be a win-win solution, don't you think?

And let me point out to you that even though you claim to be "so much at peace when you are Jenna", you are not really at peace at all. Witness your own admission of guilt and shame every time you spend any time as Jenna. The constant purging, the promises to stop, all prove your own torment over this. Both you and your wife heed competent outside advice from an experienced counselor.

The good news is that with couples therapy you both may be able to salvage a marriage that is now headed for disaster.

Stephie

[MJ]

I hate to be a cruel Bitch but you can't stop you said yourself " I feel so much at peace when I am Jenna "

the ultimatum to stop or get out What choice do you have sooner or later you know in your heart of hearts

The approval of others should not be a motivation for a lifetime of misery.

[sissystephanie]

Jenna, I am sorry for both you and your wife! Your first major mistake was not telling her when the two of you married, or even before! I told my late wife when I proposed to her, and she not only accepted me "as is" but also helped me to really become Stephanie. BTW, our marriage lasted for almost 50 years before cancer took her! Obviously it is too late for you to achieve that now! If you really do love her, it is up to you to either get her to accept your CD activities, or quit being a CD entirely!

A number of the posts have mentioned the two of you taking couples therapy. That is an excellent idea, but only if both of you totally devote yourselves to it!

There also has been some mention of difficulty in stopping CD activities. Being a CD is a state of mind, nothing else. You dress because you want to! Not because anyone is making you do it, but only because you like the feel and to be able to use your "toys!" That is totally a state of mind! That said, if you really want to you can stop..............COMPLETELY!!! But YOU have to get your mind wrapped around the idea that you are never going to be Jenna again!! If you are mentally strong and completely willing you can stop! I mentioned earlier that I had been married for almost 50 years. In the early years of that marriage I did stop being a CD for a 5 years period, because I thought it was best for the family. Near the end of the 5 years my wife started begging me to start dressing as Stephanie again! She told me she missed Stephanie in our life. Because I truly loved her, and still do, I did start again. My children know I crossdress, and I have told them that if they ever want me to stop to just tell me. I know I can stop if someone I love wants me to!! And so can you Jenna, if that becomes necessary!

[Kalisopwith]

Sorry to hear things are not going well. I had an SO that almost caught me once. She blew a gasket! I went to therapy and she said she would like to go with me when I was ready. We never stayed together long enough for that (some other problems between us). We still talk and she even now realizes that I would have been the best thing for her, dressing or not.
I hope everything works out for you!!
Remember there is always a few sets of ears to listen to you here!

[christine55]

So sad that so many of us are too ashamed to admit it to a potential spouse.

Hugs, Christine

[Sophie86]

Here is the conclusion I reached about myself when I experienced my CDing as a compulsion: I decided that it was something that I really wanted to do, and that my efforts to resist were nothing but a sham. I was pretending to myself that CDing was a compulsion I couldn't control, because that took the responsibility of choice out of my hands. It wasn't really me, you know, it was some psychological aberration making me do it. When I accepted that I wasn't sick, and that it was okay for me to choose to crossdress, I stopped feeling the desire as a compulsion. It became integrated with my other desires, and could take a back seat if there was something I wanted more at the time.

It may seem counter-intuitive, but think of it as one of those Chinese handcuffs. The harder you pull against it, the more tightly trapped you are. The way to freedom is to relax into it. Accept the desire as part of who you are.

Your wife may not accept it, but at some point you're going to have to tell her flatly that you're not sick, and there's nothing wrong with what you want to do. You can certainly do your best to keep it from impacting on her, but what you do with your body hair is your business. If she is truly too narrow-minded to accept you, you're going to have to ask yourself honestly what is more important to you: the marriage or the crossdressing.

[Karen Francis]

You didn't mention the ages of the children, I suspect probably 7-14 years old. I also suspect that you don't want them to become the collateral damage in this tug of war. I was very practical in this arrangment. Although my wife knew before we were married I kept it in the closet until my 2 sons were 21. Then I started going out in public, going to TG support groups, all very quietly. As she objected more and more, our relationship deteriorated accordingly.
She then tried to shame me out of the practice by outing me to my relatives and our friends. Our marriage is by convienience only now, no love no emotion, financial needs dictate we live in opposite ends of the house.
She will use this as a method of control, and eventually try to get the kids, house, etc. You likely will not change her, and she will try to turn the kids against you by revealing what you do to them.
Defend yourself accordingly. Living your life to other's expectations is no life at all.

[Maria in heels]

Jeanna....you are in a very tough place, and I do understand what you are going thru. It is very hard to try and hide your fem persona, which is why you say that you loved being Jeanna for 3 days, and on trips etc. I know that you feel that talking is out of the question, and sometimes, we must accept this, and live accordingly. Some may tell you to "jump ship" others will say "hide in shame" ultimately, it is up to you how you feel. Now, purging and hiding is not good for one's mental health, but is stopping who you are for someone else any better? I know that it is a very fine line that you are trying to do...lets talk sometime ok?

[NicoleScott]

I'm one of those lifelong cd's who thought that there would be no more dressing desires after I married. Wrong, of course. Marriage and a crossdressing husband were incompatible for my wife (now ex-wife), and the marriage ended pretty quickly and relatively stress-free once we both realized it's just hopeless to go on.
Anyway, about counseling: my (ex)wife insisted that we go. So I agreed. The problem was, she wanted me to go to counseling to get me to quit crossdressing, and I wanted her to accept my crossdressing. Of course, counseling failed because we were after our own selfish outcomes. It sounds like you are having a hard time accepting your own crossdressing. If you go to counseling, that's a place to start.
If you go to counseling together, agree on a common goal. If you can't, counseling (for saving the marriage) is doomed to fail. But you can still benefit individually.
The sad truth is that some marriages cannot survive a crossdressing partner. Our counselor told us just that, and recommended that we split (can you believe it?).