Out with Spouse, awkward?

[abigailf]

Do you go out often with your spouse?
If so, what is the experience like?

I have not been out often with my wife, but it does happen. It also feels a bit awkward.

She has known for about a year and a half now that I dress. Actually, we both have. Even though I have been dressing since my teens, it always seemed more fetish like. Only in the last couple years have I understood it to be more. When I had that clarity, I told her about it.

She did not take it too well but she is trying and I am grateful for that. I know I had 30 plus years to come to my understanding, she only had the 18 months. But that may explain why she is awkward around me dressed, but why am I awkward around her?

I can probably count on one hand the amount of times she has been out with me and mostly only to go shopping. This week, we had dinner out and a movie. While we were out together, I felt constrained (if that makes sense). Like I was making an effort not to display my girly side even though I was dressed. When I am relaxed and comfortable, I can be quite girly. However not this night.

Maybe at some level, I am trying to be gentle. However, when we are home and I am not dressed, I tend to be more girly than when I was out with her. It was a strange feeling.

Has this happened to anyone else?

[Rhonda Jean]

Yes! I know exactly what you're talking about! I may have posted about this previously, but I'm not sure.

My ex wouldn't go out with me, so for over 30 years I'd been doing this solo. By myself I'm almost never even the least bit nervous. The first time my gf and I went out together I became hyper aware of everything. The way I walked, the way I stood, the way I spoke, the way I looked in general. It hit me especially hard when we first parked the car at the mall and were getting ready to get out. I was wearing a dress, and I saw my bare legs, the strappy heels, the polished toes, my polished fingernails. My breast forms felt odd to me, I could feel my bra straps across my shoulders, my purse felt cumbersome and out of place. I was stiff in my walk and mannerisms. My voice seemed... well, as if it was not my male voice, but not my fem voice either. You get the drift. Was I a boyfriend? A girlfriend? It was just wierd. It was hours before I began to relax, and I'm not sure even then that I was the same as I would have been had I been alone.

It's usually, but not always, better now when we go out. There's still a little bit of "what the hell am I doing" going through my head. I'm on edge, to one extent or another. It's not a pleasant feeling. I LOVE going out with her, but it's quite a different experience than going out alone.

[Cheryl T]

My spouse and I go out ALL the time together. In fact, that was one of the guidelines we established at the outset. As she put it, "I want to be there, even if it's only to call 9-1-1 for you if something happens (read non-accepting, ignorant, violent person) to you".
Unfortunately, she doesn't have a cell phone and as I pointed out...it would be difficult to call if she has to dig through my purse to get the phone while I'm being attacked...LOL.....
But her heart is in the right place.

[Jonelle]

While we were out together, I felt constrained (if that makes sense). Like I was making an effort not to display my girly side even though I was dressed. When I am relaxed and comfortable, I can be quite girly. However not this night.

I can completely understand this feeling. and if you break it down deeper I think at least in my experience, even though i can comfortably dress around my wife acting girly almost feels like a sham because it is not what we built the relationship on. Does this match your feelings at all??

[2B Natasha]

I have been out several tiimes with my GF. I don't feel awkward so much as I dno ot want her to feel embarressed by me. Embaressed in the way I act or interact with people. I am not a social leper but there are those out there that are not as understanding as others. As to my awkward feeelings I guess I really don't feel any. Mostly I think because I am not trying to put on an act or change my mannerism's. I am who I am so to say. I sit with my legs crossed at the knee and my foot draped down to my ankle in either mode. I eat with a fork and knife in either mode. I sit listed to one side in either mode. I will sit with one legged tucked up under me in either mode. Plus I never try and change my voice. I talk softer but no change in tone. So no. I don't feel any awkwardness when out. When I feel a bit of that is when we are getting ready to GO out. since makeup and hair are not something I am really good at yet and she is so dang beautiful with or without makeup I do feel like a toad next to her when I look in the mirror.

[juno]

I would love to go out with my wife, but she doesn't want to be outed as a spouse, being seen by someone she knows.

But, here are my thoughts based on interactions at home. My wife does not like to be affectionate when I am dressed, which is reasonable for a straight female. Out in public, it is normal to show affection toward your spouse, but it would not mesh with being en femme. So, being your fully-female self results in being a bit distant toward your wife, so you try to balance these two conflicting desires. I think there would be no problem if your spouse was comfortable presenting as lesbian.

[sissystephanie]

I told my late wife I was a CD when I proposed to her in 1954. We married in 1955 and had almost 50 wonderful years together. And boy did we go out together, as husband and wife and as two girls having fun together. I am pretty sure she loved Stephanie as much as she loved the male me! But why not? I am only one person! The clothes I put on do not change me in any way, except for the way I look. And she knew that! And she did not ever present herself as a lesbian, just as a female with a very good female friend, who happened to be a man!!

[Rachel Morley]

It sounds to me like your awkwardness stems from you knowing that your wife is not as comfortable with your crossdressing as you yourself are.

You say you are even more girly but more comfortable when you are at home not dressed, yet I'm thinking that when in public, fully dressed where (to help your passibility) you are going to go the whole 9 yards with not only dressing en femme but also you perhaps alter the way you speak and act, mannerisms etc, this just tips the balance and you know that you are doing something that your wife had not seen "her husband" like this before .... and it is this thought that make you feel awkward. In other words, it's you not wanting your wife to think anything fundamentally different about you and your marriage that is making you feel uncomfortable. This is just a guess on my part

[Sophie86]

We've been out to a few parties, and to one masquerade ball that was in a public place. It wasn't awkward at all. Except there was that one time she had too much wine, and kept calling me Sophie.

[t-girlxsophie]

I can honestly say the times I have been out with my wife have been the best times,having her by my side gives me extra confidence when Im out.Im proud to step out with her

Sophie

[*Andrea*]

I have been out with my wife once early this year, but I was with other CD girls and wives, and the CD girls were talking on one side and the wives in the other. I felt totally confortable and acted feminine. However, apart from that one time, I only dress at home, and always feel ackward with my wife. I want to try my female voice but I can't, I try to move feminine and I can´t!
1. I think that I cant forget that I am her partner, protector, listener, etc... and cannot disconnect from the role of being her husband. (vrs a girlfriend)
2. Also I think that we may have some fear on what their thoughts are, and that they may doubt of our sexuality?
3. acting feminine in front of them could be like enbodying someone else. Although we dress in women's clothes, we are still the same person and female manerisms and voice would be like acting.

[PretzelGirl]

I have been out with my wife shopping, going to movies, dinner, and Tri-Ess meetings. My wife is one of the most non-judgemental people I know (which sure helps the acceptance). I don't believe I act any different going out than I do at home dressed. My "girl" isn't that extreme, so there isn't a lot to hold back on if I was to try to do it.

[Michelle James]

My wife and I go out together all the time with me dressed. The last several weeks that is the only way we are out. She seems the same to me either way. It feels like we are connecting on a whole different level. We have been married for 35 years and she has known since the beginning. For some odd reason lately if I am being lazy (rarely any more) and am in drab she will say something like "aren't you going to get dressed?".

[linda allen]

I would love to go out with my wife, but she doesn't want to be outed as a spouse, being seen by someone she knows.

There's a pretty simple solution to that - go to another town where nobody will know either of you.

[suchacutie]

I think the focus here is the topic of "...displaying my girly side". I think for all of us there is some point that we have to get over, even if we think we totally accept our feminine selves there can be some deeply held, surprising issues that hold us back. My wife and I discovered Tina together. My wife has made it clear that she enjoys Tina, and is fascinated by this side of me. We do anything together and there's never been an issue for me....until

I had done a lot of work on Tina's voice, and she was ready to unveil her new fem voice to my wife. She couldn't do it. She suddenly got shy, for the first time ever, and just couldn't do it in front of my wife. Is that weird? It took a number of months to get over this shyness. Was it the last piece of masculinity? Tina just felt silly, for the first time ever!

Your situation sounds so very similar to this, although it is complicated with the acceptance issue of your spouse. For me it was putting everything together in my mind, and then just forgetting that Tina hadn't always spoken like this.

My experience was that doing it was the only "cure"!

tina

[sherri]

I think the SO's attitude would make a world of difference to me. Just dressing in front of a disapproving or ambivalent mate would be very awkward for me, let alone going out. I would be too conscious of her critical eye.

[Laura Evans]

My gf and I go out together often, she is fully accepting. I don't feel awkward as much as I am aware of what I do or say so as not to embarrass her. Just two girls out together.

[Karen 812]

My SO and I go out together very often with me in femme. We go every where, to church, food shopping, to the malls,some dress stores reconize me both ways, because I try on cloths en femme often, even to the bank. Our only concern, also, is having a neanderthal attack me or both of us, being seen by friends has not crossed our minds. We will cross that bridge when or if it happens. Being made only seems to be done by Latinos or Hispanic or children, mostly women. We have fun watching the expressions on peoples faces trying to figure me out. So far, I have had no negative comments. I am waiting for the first time a child asks his/her mother in a voice loud enough to be heard in the next state,"MOMMY, THAT MAN IS WEARING A DRESS"

[Angelofsomekind]

I've never had any issues with going out with my wife. I love it! I wish we could go out more. I'd say it's more awkward getting all dressed up and just hanging out around the house.

[LisaM]

Abigail,
I totally understand how you feel. My spouse has been out with me a few times a number of years ago. At first she wanted me to relax and act feminine. But later she changed completely and criticized me for acting 'girly' and telling me that I would never be a woman. So we stopped going out together. I am not being critical of her - it was just too much for her to deal with and it made me uncomfortable as well.

[Tasha McIntyre]

No, my wife would never go out with me. If someone she knew saw us the embarrassment would be overwhelming to her, and her social standing would be wrecked (her words).

But ya know what - although envious of many here with accepting spouses, I'm actually quite happy with going out alone or accasionally meeting another CDer for a coffee, chin wag and wander around the shops. At least I get to go out and be myself guilt free as I don't keep any secrets from my wife

[abigailf]

Thanks for the responses, they are all very helpful.

... i can comfortably dress around my wife acting girly almost feels like a sham because it is not what we built the relationship on. Does this match your feelings at all??

Yes, this sounds a lot like my feelings and maybe it is more about how we were conditioned as a couple over the past 20 years.

1. I think that I cant forget that I am her partner, protector, listener, etc... and cannot disconnect from the role of being her husband. (vrs a girlfriend)

Similar to above. Maybe I am so used to being her husband, that I don't know how to be her girlfriend (and vice-versa).

I think the SO's attitude would make a world of difference to me. Just dressing in front of a disapproving or ambivalent mate would be very awkward for me, let alone going out. I would be too conscious of her critical eye.

Although I don't think of her as ambivalent, I definitely don't get a warm fuzzy feeling. Maybe our discomforts feed off of each other making it even more awkward.

[Sally1983]

I am still quite firmly in the closet, happy with dressing at home. My wife is very OK with it, and has suggested that we test the waters on an outting together beyond the front door. At this stage I am not ready for that...I would feel very awkward. One day maybe.

[linda allen]

I am still quite firmly in the closet, happy with dressing at home. My wife is very OK with it, and has suggested that we test the waters on an outting together beyond the front door. At this stage I am not ready for that...I would feel very awkward. One day maybe.

Like I posted above - go to a different town. Better yet, a large city or a crowded resort area.

[Aleca]

I personally would feel very awkward being out dressed with my wife, as I am used to being out with her male. I would probably do some role playing/ acting as a woman with knowledge of myself as a male who was dressing in female clothes after the fact. The realization hits later that is all I was doing - just pretending to be one. This helps to enhance my belief in myself as a cross dresser and not a transsexual though and that beats being torn between the two.