Using this board to educate

[PretzelGirl]

Because this has come up in another thread and I don't want to derail it, I would like to discuss a point that has come up here often and I have commented on, but maybe it deserves its own separate discussion.

It is very common that once someone is informed about what we do, that one of the most common pieces of advice is for them to come here and read. So is this a good idea?

My opinion is it is not. At least not immediately. The reason I say this is because once you tell someone (whether a spouse or family member) then their mind starts reeling. They try to pull in any experience they have in life with a CD (which sometimes is little to none) or they then are influenced by movie and TV memories (and we know those don't always do us any favors). So it would seem logical to send them here where they can get the truth.

But what is the truth? As we have our many discussions here, we find that we cover quite a broad spectrum of topics. Sometimes it is hard to even think that any two of us can be the same. So if someone is pointed here to learn about us, what do they get? Recent threads talk about:

• Facial Surgery
• Fantasies
• Sex
• Do you want to go fulltime?
• One thing you would like to do en femme
• All I think about is dressing

And I am not trying to pick on any particular threads, but look at it from this viewpoint. You have just found out your partner/friend/family member is CD or TG. You are pointed here to learn the truth. As you start reading these threads, what are you going to do? You are going to apply each and every thought to the person who sent you here. Is it going to be correct? Maybe all of it could apply. Most likely small amounts. The point is that you now have lost control over what this person is learning.

So what do I think is the right thing to do? Yes, this forum is a fantastic tool. But I would first sit down with the person and explain where I felt I am. I would give them some time to let their thoughts settle and ask me questions. Then I would visit this forum with them and explain to them the vast variances within our wonderful group. That we each have distinct feelings and we are all here to explore and learn about them. Walk them through some of the threads and let it start some discussion so they can learn that everything doesn't apply to you but hopefully some of those topics will start a discussion on how you do feel. The main thing is to set up the person so their mind doesn't get a chance to take off in the wrong direction and then you can't easily reel their thoughts back in.

[BRANDYJ]

Hi Sue. You made some very good points. Of course not all GG's end up here because their SO asked them to come here. Many have found this site on their own, out of a need to educate themselves. I agree that for many they are going to read things that will to help them cope or deal with their So being a CD.
I know I would not ask my SO to come here alone and just read all the posts without sharing it all with her so she does not lump us all together. We are not all the same. Fortunately for me, I have an SO that fully accepts, understands and even likes many things about my being a CD. I have no worries about what she reads. But I agree with you about those scared, worried, uneducated GG's that find their way here and start lumping all of us into the same cloud of pink fog.
Yes, the forums and all the sharing and caring we do here is helpful. But only during and after a level of understanding if not yet accepting in talked out between the SO and her TG, CD partner.
It's a shame we have to have the 10 post rule before our new GG's can join FAB. That is where I suspect most will find comfort, advice and honest opinions on what the new dimension to the newbie SO of a TG can expect and learn from other women that have been there done that.

[eluuzion]

I agree with the suggestion of using caution and discretion when considering using this forum as an educational "tool". There is at least an equal amount of "evidence" to support a shocked and disoriented SO's immediate suspicion they might be dealing with something from the "Twilight Zone".

It might be similar to having an SO inform you they are an alcoholic, then suggesting you both go to a bar to seek better understanding of the issue. Not exactly a constructive strategy. You could easily end up in endless debates about the meaning of any number of threads/posts.

I am not implying it is a bad idea, or the forum is a negative influence in any area. I am simply suggesting that it may not be the best option available. For example...visiting a counselor would be a better option than visiting with his/her patients...the counselor's feedback is more predictable than a patient's would be.

I make every decision based on percentages. I mentally "list" all of my options, then pick the course which presents the greatest opportunity for me to achieve my goal, with the least amount of risk. I always do as much research as possible before engaging in any matters as critical as the issue addressed here. "Winging it" is ok in some areas, but for me, this is definately not one of them.

but that is just me...

[Tricia Lee]

I suggested several times to my wife that she should join the FAB forum here. Honestly, I don't know if she's ever even looked at this site. Considering some of the more recent discussions going on, I won't be mentioning it to her anymore.

[Ashley Allison]

I think I've got a pretty high tolerance for racey stuff, but some of the recent threads about sex have been kind of extreme. I would have to think twice about sending a non-trans/cd friend or relative here to be educated.

[AllieSF]

I agree with the above comments and appreciate and like the idea of this thread. Here you get just about the whole spectrum of issues, people, tastes and styles. If anyone is on the edge of trying to understand what this lifestyle is all about, this is definitely not the best starting point. That beings said, I would not try to clean up or modify the contents of this site because that would change the very nature of what it is trying to achieve and the people and lifestyles it is trying to support. If a person is coming here to learn that need to approach it with a very open mind and attitude. otherwise they may react 1080 degrees from the way the someone else was hoping for. This is pretty much the real world here and should continue to be that way.

[Joanne f]

I think it is a very good place for a wife/SO to come to once they have pasted the ten post`s and then allowed to join the FAB forum as then they can chat with other wife`s/SO what it is really like to live with a TG person BUT with caution as i have always thought that the ones that post the most on here are the ones that live the TG way the most so it can off balance the way some wife`s /so might assume what their husbands/SO might want to be or end up being , in other words they will assume that it will end up being 24/7 instead of occasional dressing in undies .
The Admin and mods do a very good job on here of keeping off what most would call unacceptable and with the amount of post that go through this site they must work very hard so you have to take your hat off to them , we just read what we want to they have to check on all of them , occasionally they may allow something that you may not like so the only answer to that is don`t read it or get involved with it , if it was left up to CD/TG running this site then i hate to think where it would go so lets be thankful of the fact that we have some very understanding FAB on here who have been through a lot and are still going though a lot in their lives yet are willing to help people on here , i have learned to respect all of them on all of the forums .
I think the first step of any wife/SO is support if needed then some form of trying to understand what is going on then because there are so many variants of the TG ways it is really up to each individual to educate their partners on their particular way of it

[Starla]

The nature of a major, very open site like this allows us all to "let it all hang out." Being exposed to the vast spectrum of behavior and attitudes among us can be offputting, even freightening to a partner who is just starting to come to grips with her hubbie's CDing. The majority of posts on here could well represent the worst nightmares of a wife who is utterly unprepared to deal with the variety of expression in the community.

(Of course, there can be a similar "culture shock" when SOs first attend TG/CD support groups. Even in a relatively benign, controlled, conservative setting like a Tri-Ess meeting, they are going to be exposed to CDers who have taken things far beyond what they are ready to deal with in their partners.)

I think it would be good if there were more of a "firewall" on this site between new SO members and the rest of us crazies. Keep the newbie partners at arm's length from the regular CD/TG forums for a fairly lengthy initial period, allowing access only to the SO boards and perhaps a section of carefully vetted informational articles. Don't throw them to the lions (lionesses?) until they've gotten their feet wet on the subject.

[Karren H]

Any SO coming here to be educated will be turned off by the non-edutational content... imho. I see this site as a crossdressers facebook... More socializing and entertainment than anything else...

[Sarasometimes]

I would agree that this is not the place for an SO who is new to the situation. For some it would be OK but in general it is simply TMI! Heck, I even have trouble figuring out which threads I want to read.

[Kathi Lake]

Agreed. Until my wife can get her head wrapped around this a bit more, and be comfortable with me, I don't know if I want her reading many of the threads, and then reading between the lines with me. We are all so different, yet we all seem to be the same in the world's eyes.

Sigh.

Kathi

[Debra Russell]

I would never send my wife to this site untill she could be educated and be more open as she has a tendency to shoot from the hip, make chicken little decisions or jump to conclusions without enough information to be rational, as it is she is tolerant to a point -- way more than I ever thought would happen! So far it's a learning curve -- for both of us.

[SuzanneBender]

Let me be the cautionary tale. There was once a young beautiful transgendered princess named Suzanne (Its my story I can embellish if I desire). After being locked up in a tower of masculinity she came out to her wife. Caught up in the moment Suzanne was excited to tell her wife about this site and share all her newly accepted feminity with her loving Bride. She knew the FAB would be a wonderful spot for her wife to find a little support and the site would be a good spot for her to learn more about me. Needless to say this board and some of my posts scared the Bejesus out of her blushing and now highly confused love of her life. Culture shock was an understatement. This site has come up in counseling many times between our heroines.

With all of that said. This site has also spawned some of the best conversations between us about my being transgender. It is both a blessing and a curse.

I suggest that anyone wanting to tell their spouse about this site should wait until their spouse is comfortable with the new normal.

[SweetPea_GG]

Just jumping in with my opinion.. I do believe this site is awesome and there are some awesome posts in this area. But I agree as a wife and fresh to finding out about my husbands CDing reading some of the posts and even some of his I do have questions in my head and some I have spoke to him about and some I just cant work up the nerve yet to ask him about.. hopefully soon I will. No matter what the wife has access to read after finding out her mind will still wonder and question etc.. its just natural feelings. But I do think some posts or replies would make some thoughts stronger. Sometimes I wonder if what some post here whos SO doesnt know about them yet if they would be posting the same way with the same responses if their SO was a part of the forums here and could read their posts. Ive just always wondered that while reading posts and replies in here. I dont "think" my husband would of worded things he has if he knew I was going to end up here.. but thats just a feeling I get.

Maybe if you all could make a topic each week in this forum section with a discussion on a topic that often comes up about CDing that would give your info and insite on the question asked. that way there would be some sort of topic always in this forum area that is a discussion thread which if a new GG was to come here they would be able to see a discussion going on about something they may be wondering etc.. I know a lot of you cant answer why you started dressing or if its often or if you take breaks etc.. but its a good start and its good for a GG (myself included) to really realize that every CDer is not the same so not everything applies to everyone.

[Tricia Lee]

It seems like there are others who would support the idea that sexual content ought to be sequestered to a dedicated "Dating" forum, and not allowed in the general "Male to Female Crossdressing" discussion forum.

Here is a double-standard I find objectionable; I've had posts deleted from this forum because of "religious" content. So we can't discuss anything in the bible outside of the religious forum. On the other hand, we can talk about having sex in the general public forum. I think it's inappropriate, and it's getting worse.

There ought to be a place for those discussions, but not in the publicly accessible section of the site. Access to that section could be restricted to having 10 posts or whatever. Then those of us not interested in "Dating" wouldn't have to wade through those posts, and confused SO's wouldn't have to be subjected to them.

[ChristineM]

First, I want to start early voting for Best Thread of 2011 and propose this as a sticky.

My wife has not accepted this "lifestyle" at all. A lot of what is discussed on the board is what I've spent some time assuring her I am not. Not interested in SRS, not interested in full time, not bi. But she would latch onto those threads (as we all latch onto our greatest fear sometimes) and it might even be the end of us.

So no, I would not point my wife this way (just as I wouldn't recommend "Alice in Genderland" to her) until she's a LOT more understanding of the wide range of styles in this game.

[DebsUK]

It seems like there are others who would support the idea that sexual content ought to be sequestered to a dedicated "Dating" forum, and not allowed in the general "Male to Female Crossdressing" discussion forum.

Here is a double-standard I find objectionable; I've had posts deleted from this forum because of "religious" content. So we can't discuss anything in the bible outside of the religious forum. On the other hand, we can talk about having sex in the general public forum. I think it's inappropriate, and it's getting worse.

There ought to be a place for those discussions, but not in the publicly accessible section of the site. Access to that section could be restricted to having 10 posts or whatever. Then those of us not interested in "Dating" wouldn't have to wade through those posts, and confused SO's wouldn't have to be subjected to them.

THIS

I must admit some of the threads on here have been inappropriate for a public forum and maybe should be behind the extra bit of security of a separate section. I'm by no means a prude and do not get shocked (believe me if I see a good gag I will usually post it even if it might be risque), but some of the discussions don't really portray the TG, and more specifically the CD community, in a very positive light, especially to any SOs looking for more understanding of their partner. The only problem is who decides what goes where, especially when some decisions to delete posts seem to be quite arbitrary at times?

[Zoe Preston]

My wife has not accepted this "lifestyle" at all. A lot of what is discussed on the board is what I've spent some time assuring her I am not. Not interested in SRS, not interested in full time, not bi. But she would latch onto those threads (as we all latch onto our greatest fear sometimes) and it might even be the end of us.

Good point and I agree wholeheartedly, which leaves one question "Where do we direct our SO's to fill in the blanks in their knowledge?"

Whilst people have suggested the FAB forum they do need ten posts. If I did suggest her coming to crossdressers.com but to restrict herself to the Loved Ones forum it might only fuel suspicion. It's all very well me saying to my wife that there are a wide variety of crossdressers out there but I suspect that it would be too much too soon.

Zoe

[NicoleScott]

The point is that you now have lost control over what this person is learning.

The main thing is to set up the person so their mind doesn't get a chance to take off in the wrong direction and then you can't easily reel their thoughts back in.

I find these comments a bit bothersome. It's as if you want to steer a person to learn only what you want them to know, nothing else. I think that if I were a wife who found out that my husband is a cd, and I wasn't sure what all that meant, I would go out on my own and learn all I could from multiple sources including this forum. I would find out that we cd for different reasons and in different ways of expression. And I would ask him questions, encouraging honest awswers.
When I told my wife, I was honest about what drives my crossdressing, and what doesn't. Her questions were typical: are you gay (no), do you want to transition (no). Sexual excitement (yes). Reactions will be different, but we shouldn't control the information in order to achieve a desired reaction. First wife divorced me over cd-ing. Current wife is fine with it. Both were given the truth about my crossdressing desires. My wife knows about this site, looks over my shoulder on occasion, but has not chosen to join or browse independently. She could if she wants to. We often discuss crossdressing: what I and others think and say and do.

[Starla]

Nicole, your comments would be right on if we assumed that everybody thinks rationally and dispassionately. Most don't, and add in the emotional component of the subject involving a husband, a partner, a MAN that they married because they wanted a man to spend their life with, then learn that said man, for whatever reasons, likes to on some level dress as and emulate a woman...well, I find it hard to imagine that most women could automatically deal with that in a rational, calculating, level-headed manner, at least not when initially confronting it. If they are exposed to too much overall information about the TG universe in general, it's just going to add fuel to the fire and complicate manners. The initial conversations should be couple-centric -- why do YOU do this and what does it mean to YOU, not why do all those other men do it.

[Cassandra Lynn]

Very well said Sue, i couldn't agree more. The first thoughts should be to the websites that break it down from a the view of the counseling/therapists. In fact those experts should should be sought first. Only after the SO and TG/CD have gained some ground and are headed in the direction of total acceptance should they be "offered" the option of visiting here. IMO.

Cassie

[cordgrass]

I don't have the right to have a voice in this, because of course the overwhelming majority of GG's wanting to learn about crossdressing are SO's of CD's. And my sexual tastes and proclivities are hardly representative of the majority of women. Still, there are some of us GG's out there who are interested in finding crossdressers as romantic partners, and this forum was very educational for me in my search. A few years ago I had no idea that there even were heterosexual crossdressers; it was only thanks to Dan Savage that I found out it was even a possibility. When I came here I was very curious about CD sexuality and my questions were somewhat answered. My own personal experience with boundary-stretching here was with docrobbysherry, whose pictures at first made me want to run away, but after finding out what a sweetheart he is, I soon changed my mind.

However, like I said, I don't think that I have the right to have a say in this. I do think that some mention of the variations of CD sexuality should be readable in the general forum, not because of GG's like me, but because this website is primarily for crossdressers themselves. I'm sure many closeted crossdressers come here to learn more about themselves, too fearful to do anything besides browse as Guest, and I think to be able to read some of those posts without having to both sign up as a member and then be verified as male, however it is done for the GM forum, seems like it would be beneficial. I'm not saying this place should turn into a Letters To Penthouse hookup site, but surely a sanitized discussion of sexuality would be helpful to some Guests?

[NicoleScott]

Cordgrass, of course your comments are welcome here. Many of us are particularly interested in what GG's think about crossdressing.
If there is a connection between sex and crossdressing, and there is for some but not all, then it should be a valid topic of discussion. In good taste, of course.

[Pinky188]

Any SO coming here to be educated will be turned off by the non-edutational content... imho. I see this site as a crossdressers facebook... More socializing and entertainment than anything else...

Karen is right. This isnt an educational site. Maybe we need a section for S.O. who are just finding out!

[Lorileah]

I would not send a newly exposed spouse here without some direction because you KNOW the first post they will see is "Help me date a man" and "My wife wants a divorce".

Now exploring the site together may be a good idea at first then turn her loose especially on the FAB forum, but just referring her to here and hoping she doesn't go directly to the "I like wearing latex underwear" post is dangerous