Stopping?

[ikthys]

Hey all! I'm new to the community. I am actually trying to stop cding. I know there are many different opinions here about whether that's even the right or healthy thing for me to try to do, but this thread isn't about that question. I have often heard someone say in an offhand way that they tried stopping with therapy, etc. but it didn't work (or something like that). I am actually very interested in what kinds of things people have heard, been told, read, believed, used, abandoned, hated, or otherwise been confronted with when it comes to "help" stopping. In other words, since I assume many of us have dealt with the issue of stopping from time to time, I am interested in the various approaches and methods left in the wakes of those attempts. For instance, my website (Vested Interest) chronicles a smattering of ways I'm trying to narrate things. But I'm interested in your experience.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Hmmmm , you may find that most of the people who post her , post about acceptance of who they are , and becomming comfortable with expressing their gender identity. Your blog shows a lot of internal struggle, and a marriage that seems dependent on your stopping crossdressing. I hope you find what you are seeking, however you most likely will find a warm wonderful community here, and it may cause you to slip your resolve.

Welcome too !

kELLY

[juno]

Most people here will advise that stopping is a poor choice. Most likely you will fail. If you succeed, life will be less enjoyable. If there are people who have successfully stopped, they probably won't be members here.

IMHO, some people can stop crossdressing and still be happy. For that to work, I think a person still needs a good outlet for their feminine interests. If you fill your life with things that women enjoy other than women's clothes, you may be able to satisfy your feminine psychological needs.

The main argument against quitting is that it is a great way to enjoy life, is completely harmless, and the only negative aspect is social acceptance. Most of us think society is the one that needs to change. However, the negative social aspects can be significant, so I understand why someone would want to quit. Just beware that you might start feeling depressed about life without it. For crossdressers, dressing is far better than any antidepressant drug.

[Cari]

My main advice on this one would be not to purge; just box everything up maybe have a friend hold it that will be much healthier for your pocketbook.

During times that I was forced to stop I did find that fashion magazines and TV shows for women did help a bit. (Kinda like nicotine gum for a smoker)

I havent found any real alternative or therapy that worked for me.
I would add everyone is different your situation and resolve may just be the one that works out.

I havent exactly been motivated to quit; because I consider it harmless and enjoy it.
I would agree that the quitters most likely arent on here, they are probably in CD rehab somewhere wearing sackcloth and simple shoes :-)

BTW just for reference how long have you been CDing ? Do you have inclination to transition ?

[Aprilrain]

It seems pointless to tell you what failed for me but here goes. Quite simply put Ive tried drinking alcoholicly and using hard drugs. That didn't pan out I just ended up doing many tragic things and some of them in a dress. I've tried "white knuckling it" that never lasted long and usually ended in a big shopping spree and a motel room (to dress in) inevitably I would feel guilty the next day for spending lots of money and for the sexual fantasies I would entertain (me a woman with a man) and then I'd throw it all out. I went to a therapist about 4 years ago and apparently she said that hypnosis can be effective. Oddly enough I don't remember the therapist telling me that at all. my wife told me recently that I came home from a session and told her that. She also told me that I flat out refused to have anything to do with hypnosis to "cure" the CDing. Now I know why I wouldn't do that. Why would I want someone to steal part of my soul with some Jedi mind trick? Apparently it's out there though.

On the other hand you could try embracing this part of yourself. It might require standing up for your right to be you. That doesn't mean you have to rub it in anyones face but I'm sure it woudn't hurt your wife if you CDed in private while she was out of the house. Better yet you could find and join a local support group, they often have a place where you can dress at the meeting.
Good luck

[eluuzion]

hiya ikthys,

welcome,

One option is to use the search feature up on the menu bar to read some of the archived posts on the topic. Typing "Purging" might be a good starter for producing some older posts.

I am just a psycho, not a psychotherapist. But eliminating all "tools and triggers" of the behavior you wish to modify or cease is a typical approach. That usually includes avoiding people and places associated with the undesireable behavior. It seems joining this forum might be similar to an alcoholic going to a bar to seek help with his alcohol problem?

Many times what appears to be a positive step (reaching out for help), is actually just masking the unconscious desire to chase the dragon without admitting it...

just a thought

good luck

[Stephanie Anne]

Every few months a post almost identical to this one gets submitted. The answer is always the same. You can't cure something that itself is not a problem.

If you want to quit then stop associating it with sex, stop obsessing over a clothing fetish, stop using cross dressing as an outlet for your frustrations, or stop victimizing yourself for a lack of control. Whatever the reason, cross dressing, being trans sexed, being gender queer... these are not symptoms of or in itself, a disease. There are disorders that can arise from a deep seeded disfunction either heightened by a lack of self worth or a disconnect from a childhood trauma. Sexual arousal from dressing can develop from associating it with the first pre pubescent inklings of arousal. Etc., etc., etc.


In short stop hating yourself for who you are. not because you cross dress.

[Lucy_Bella]

If you find a way that works .....Please let me know..! I have tried many times in purging ,cold Turkey and shameing myself just to end up slowly going back..Good luck

[Ashley Allison]

Hello ikthys,

First let me say welcome to the forum. I saw and read your introduction post. I also had a chance to go over.

I'm around the same age as you. While I have never been married, I must had admit that I have some of the same feelings about crossdressing in the past.

I come from a conservative Christian background. I had a serious problem with alcohol problem in the past. It was a problem and had to be healed. Crossdressing is part of my identity. There's no therapy or ex-trans program that will make it go away because crossdressing is not an illness.

As others have mentioned according to your blog, you seem to view crossdressing in a negative light. I can guarantee you that most if not all of the individuals on this forum whether they admit or not have felt the same way in the past. I will pray for you have realize that being a genetic Christian male, and a crossdresser are not mutually exclusive.

Reparative therapy may seem like a solution, but it can be summed up in one word which is suppression. Reparative therapy or any of the ex-transgender programs out there will not give you the answers that you seek; in fact, they can only bring you more misery. If it is salvation that you seek, you will never find it until you accept who you are.

Luckily, you are now on this forum. I look forward to discussing more issues with you in the future.

[annabellejorden]

I will pray for you have realize that being a genetic Christian male, and a crossdresser are not mutually exclusive.

Hear Here!

I am a genetic Male.
I am a Christian.

You can be both.
I fought my CD for many years, and hatted myself for it.

I to pray that instead of suppressing part of your self, that you can find the fortitude to balance all aspects of your personality.

Best wishes, and hope to see you around.

[Jonianne]

Yes, we get these threads every so often. So you should be able to search "Stopping" or purging and see where they go. One particular individual returns on occasion to let us know how long he has been without dressing.

My story is, I grew up in a fundamentalist Christian background and of course mixing that with crossdressing was causing some serious cognative dissonance, so being the super sensitive believer I was (am), I prayed many times that God would take it away from me. Eventually the constant guilt, shame, purging and feeling like I was a failure to God started leading me to have some serious mental breakdowns. It was so severe and the absolute terror I had for not being "right" in God's eyes, was causing me to literly start hearing voices and hearing God tell me that if I didn't repent, I would be dead and in hell within a day or sometimes immeadiatly. It's a trip when you've been a totally sane person all your life and start hearing things that you know aren't there. How long do you think someone can live like this? Being a black and white, all or nothing fundamentalist was not helping. I won't go into how I finally came to peace, because you didn't ask that.

From your being here and from your website, it seems that even though you have stopped, you are still not at peace in your soul. Without self-acceptance and finding your balance, the struggle will continue the rest of your life. The way some people cope with the struggle, is to start or be involved in ex-transgender ministries and then that becomes the compulsion of their life and in their trying to cope with their own issue and thinking they are doing good, they can end up destroying the lives of others.

However, I do think it is possible to stop physically crossdressing and to be at peace (there will certainly always be that internal yearning, because the aspect of being transgender - having the need to express the genuine feminine part of who we are -will always be a part of us). But I believe to be sucessful in doing that, it takes accepting yourself, and coming to terms that God is OK with that part of who you are, as well. Then if you choose to live a life of total abstainance, in the same vein of never marrying, like Paul and some priests do and successfully supress both the erotic and non-erotic side, (they see nothing wrong with marriage, they just feel they can serve God more by being single) then you can live at peace with your choice.

[KrystalA]

Hi ikthys! My advice would be to just be who you are. I've tried to stop CDing quite a few times over the years, but the dry spells drove me crazy. I finally decided to just accept who I am, and I've been a much happier person ever since. I never go out 'dressed', other than a Halloween party some years back (which, by the way, turned out to be a very exciting evening, but that's for another post). Also, it can get expensive, if you accumulate a feminine wardrobe, then purge yuuself of it, then start over again. Just go with it girl, you'll be glad you did.

[Fab Karen]

Listen to the witch:
[SIZE="6"]surrender Dorothy[/SIZE]

[CherryZips]

It seems joining this forum might be similar to an alcoholic going to a bar to seek help with his alcohol problem?

^
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This

[Loni]

i do agree with the thought about a drunk going to a bar for help.
also the term why fix what ain't broke.

as for was of trying one so called mind Dr was talking to me about electo shock therapy. even my wife (at that time) did not like the sound of that.
if you even find a way to "cure" your self of what you are, please do not let me know about it. i like being me.

good luck in changing yourself, hope you like the new you.

.

[ikthys]

Thanks for the reminder about searching past threads. I'll be sure to do that more before I post a new one in the future. I'm well familiar with "purging" (as I've been cding for over 20 years- no interest in transition, btw). I really was just hoping to politely ask for anyone who actually has been where I'm at now (trying to contend with the possibility that this isn't actually a permanent part of my personality for all time, but simply a deeply ingrained part of it so far- and this simply from choice and habit) may have been able to kick down something they heard, even if it was ineffective. Most importantly, I want to say that I really mean no disrespect to any of you by my dealing with this perspective. I figure that I must deal with this possibility as vigorously as I would any other possible answer to the question "why do I want to?"- that's sorta the way I am- stubborn I guess. I am VERY thankful for the courtesy you have shown me in even fielding this thread with generous responses. As to the alcoholic going to the bar... please don't take me for such. I would find an "aa" for cders but can't seem to find one yet- still looking. One thing I am sure about is that suppression is not the answer. That's why, though it may seem strange, I do feel like I should honestly be amongst you all in this forum openly. But this does not mean, for me, that I accept this in my life, either. So I wish there were another forum just for those like me. I hope you'll tolerate me in this one for now anyway. I won't go around bashing anyone, and I'll be careful not to annoy you all with comments bent toward quitting, I promise

[Kaz]

Hi Ikthys,

You shouldn't be so apologetic! It is an important issue and even if past posts have worked it over an over, it will always be current, and current views are just as valid as those posted previously in my opinion.

I have thought long and hard about this for many years. I would not regard myself as a "Christian" per se, even though I grew up as a chorister and have all that as part of me, but I have a strong faith/values system, and whilst this does not confront my CD desires, I still often wish I could quit - life would be so much simpler on so many levels.

I went through what most others have, quitting, purging, only to come back... etc... I decided a few years ago that i wouldn't quit, but accept it and let it play out how it might.

I must say that since accepting, I found periods when I don't dress to be a lot easier, and sometimes I have no urge whatsoever. This can last a long time. It is almost as if acceptance is the issue. I no longer rush to take advantage of every opportunity to dress. I have found I can identify with my femme side even when dressed in 100% male clothes. It is almost as if dressing is not the issue at all - but rather it is about understanding who I am and dealing with it. This is why I think denial and giving up never work. It will just come back and when it does it usually comes back stronger.

If I was alone on a desert island with no female clothes, I suspect I would wear whatever was most practical in whatever situation I found myself. The lack of femme clothes would potentially curtail my dressing, but would it cure me? The evidence suggests not. But at the end of the day I have "choice"... if I accept who I am I can choose how to dress, how to "present" myself to the outside world. Like many CD's SOs, my wife wears jeans mostly, with trainers. She has some dresses, but rarely wears them. She just chooses practical clothes to suit the occasion. As a CD, so can I.

I suspect working with it will work better than trying to fight it. A game I have played at times is to think of my CD side (Kaz) as also being a crossdresser... Kaz likes to dress up as a guy! This might sound a bit barking mad (!) but it helps at times!

Rather than trying to supress it (and hypnotism is along these lines), I would try to embrace it and then make active and positive choices. Don't purge... as someone else suggested, box it all up. Make boxing the clothes up the psychological equivalent of actively putting away your outward CDing. It is there should you ever need it. But it is your choice when and where, and indeed "if".

Take Care, and good luck!

[Christy_M]

Well I haven´t quite finished my Kool Aid yet, either. As much as I now know it is here to stay, I still have a hard time accepting myself. My method for quitting has been "shame" for needing to dress, "guilt" for dressing, "purge" to get the objects out of reach, "2nd guilt" for throwing out all that money, "need" to dress, "shop" for new items, rinse, repeat for 40 years. As you can see by my picture, I think I finally beat it...

[annabellejorden]

Rather than trying to supress it (and hypnotism is along these lines), I would try to embrace it and then make active and positive choices. Don't purge... as someone else suggested, box it all up. Make boxing the clothes up the psychological equivalent of actively putting away your outward CDing. It is there should you ever need it. But it is your choice when and where, and indeed "if".

Hear Here!!

What she said.

I tried for a time to quit because of an SO. This was many years ago, she found my stash and went on how This aint right and How embarrassed she was. Looking back, even though at the time I thought the relationship was good, I realize that anyone who truly loves me will not try to change me.

To para phrase Tigger: I is what I is.

Once I accepted this about my self, which I privately did about a year ago, and semi-publicly last night, I have felt much better about myself.

During the past year, I have not always felt the need to dress, but when I did, there wasn't the feeling of shame anymore.

I didn't read all of your blog, but I got the impression you were doing this to save your marriage, I know coming from some one who is divorced, for non-cd reasons, this may sound bad, but is it worth saving if you cant be your self.

Only you can answer that.

[thechic]

Hi there
I stopped stopping to stop,as I just could not stop.so gave up stopping.

[annabellejorden]

Hi there
I stopped stopping to stop,as I just could not stop.so gave up stopping.

mommy, I have a head ache.

[Kaz]

Nice one Geneva!

[docrobbysherry]

It seems to be the ONLY ONE I've ever had! So, my experience dealing with them is limited!

However, ALL compulsive behavior CAN BE DESTRUCTIVE in certain individuals lives!
Including crossdressing!

In my opinion, the ONLY WAY TO STOP DRESSING is to treat it like OTHER compulsions!
Replace it with another activity! Maybe U CAN'T go to church or 12 step meetings every day, but u CAN find something else to do if u try hard enuff!

Hopefully, you're new activity will be less destructive than your dressing one was!

My therapist told me my dressing, "Wasn't an issue unless it negatively affected my life!"
The only negatives for me r, my house, car, and garages r a mess! Because I spend my spare time dressing!
On the plus side, I've lost weight and cut down my drinking and sports watching!

[Zoe Preston]

Hi ikthys, I don't want to appear overly negative but I don't really 'get' where you're coming from. Joining this forum several months after you stopped dressing is odd to say the least

I've read your blog and for someone that has quit crossdressing you don't half write a lot about it I couldn't shake the thought that your blog reads like one of those Stalinist show trials where the captured spy signs the 'confession' placed before him. Are you sure that you aren't just writing what your wife wants to read?

To me it seems that, so far, your are repressing your desire - and good for you if that's what you want to do - but I don't believe that you have removed the latent desire. If you had you wouldn't be thinking about crossdressing issues, writing blogs about crossdressing or frequenting crossdressing web sites.

If you want to stop crossdressing then you need to address the emotional or psychological triggers that prompted your dressing.

There is a marvellous group of people on this forum who will help where they can, but we're not best placed to help you quit

Zoe

[Rianna Humble]

I really was just hoping to politely ask for anyone who actually has been where I'm at now (trying to contend with the possibility that this isn't actually a permanent part of my personality for all time, but simply a deeply ingrained part of it so far- and this simply from choice and habit) may have been able to kick down something they heard, even if it was ineffective.

I tried to kid myself for over 45 years that this wasn't a permanent part of who I am. I also tried to believe and act upon the idea told to me by a group of Christian Fundamentalists that I just had to choose not to be transgendered and I would cease to need to cross-dress. Sorry to tell you that neither of those things worked.

I also tried channelling my energies in different directions, but just ended up suicidally depressed.

In the end I found one thing that worked for me. I accepted who I am and that this would mean changing my approach to accept that being transgendered is not wrong.

Most importantly, I want to say that I really mean no disrespect to any of you by my dealing with this perspective. I figure that I must deal with this possibility as vigorously as I would any other possible answer to the question "why do I want to?"- that's sorta the way I am

I am sure that no-one who has answered in this thread thought you were being disrespectful. This is a question that is important to you at this time, you are a valuable member of our community, therefore you are entitled to our support and help in exploring the question. We may not be able to give you a magic bullet that will make you into something you are not (cisgendered), but we can certainly try to be there for you and to share our own perspectives and experiences.