How to start acclimating your SO to crossdressing

[awesomestuff]

Hello everybody!

Well my SO is finally back in the states and unfortunately it seems like we have made absolutely no progress since I first told her in november. As some of you know, I sew a lot and even taking her to Jo-Anns seemed to push her past her limit. Unfortunately event though she hasn't really made any progress, during her three weeks outside the states I have sewn and purchased a decent amount of clothes (ebay and walmart sales racks mostly) and have even sewn an entire new set of bedding which I have always wanted (very very pink ). I even told my roomate and he has started to adjust to the new situation, I have been very considerate to him and he has actually been very very supportive.

I just don't know what to do about my SO, I mean it seems like everyone is trying to adjust and help except for her, she just dosent seem like she is trying (I mean it's not my place to judge, but that is how it feels). I just hate feeling like I have to hide everything because if she sees it she will get too upset, it makes me feel like what I am doing is wrong or somehow perverse. I know I need to be understanding but I hate having to hide it from her and to feel like I have to split my time between her and just being girly in the slightest, it really isn't fair to either of us. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to help her to actually start to work on it without being forceful? Any suggestions would be appreciated, thanks again!

[Christy_M]

I am sorry for what you are going through. I can only empathize with your situation having felt the same way for years. It makes it very hard to feel like you are letting someone down for being who you are. If she is open to counseling, you might find a couples counselor that has experience in gender identity issues. You may be able to find some middle ground that allows you to be yourself and still build your relationship. My SO hasn't been open to seeing one yet but just the other day she told me that she wouldn't keep fighting with me about it if I took the initiative to set up the appointment. Good luck with your SO. I am sure there are plenty of people here who can give you some advice that might be more helpful.

[Jess Marie]

I would start slow with her. Wear a pair of panties under your male clothes. If she says anything, just innocently say you forgot. Thats what I did and now my SO expects to reach down my pants and find a pair of panties. She will slowly realize that you are still who you are and maybe not go buy you undies, but certainly she will at least acknowledge the fact you do it and not make you feel so badly about it. Best of luck :-)

[darla_g]

You know I think most of us here who have told a spouse could probably ramble through the script without any difficulty. Are you gay? No. Do you want to become a woman? Is it because you don't love me anymore? No

Probably not a bad idea to work through a scenario for conversation you can run through with your SO. Find out what she wants from you or what she wants to know.

[awesomestuff]

Well thats the issue, we have had the talk about it a few times now. I feel like mentally she knows everything there is to know (that I havent changed and that I am not gay etc. etc. etc.) but it has just stalled there. I tried the surprise thing once, I accidentally left a head band on once, and that ended with her being very upset. It's just difficult because I now have a pink bed spread with a dozen pillows of various hues of black and pink (I had way too many extra fabric lying around) and when she wants to come over I just stuff it all in the closet. I just don't know how to help her mak the next step, she says she is willing to work with me but if a trip to a fabric store pushes her over the edge I am pretty nervous about doing anything else. It's extra difficult too because I am very proud of the progress I have made in my sewing abilities (to round out my shooting, welding and carpentry abilities which she somehow forgets) and she is not even willing for me to talk to her about something that has been a really rewarding part of my life as of late.

P.S. To add some background for those of you who do not know me, I am 21, in college, and have been dating my SO for about a year and a half. We were going strong for a while but now I don't even know if we still have a solid foundation. This issue has pushed me away ( I am afraid that I will even say something that will upset her, I just am so unsure of even my conversations with her) and now I feel like I am having to choose between my crossdressing and her.

[2SpeedTranny]

Kick her to the curb, nao!

The choice isn't between "crossdressing and her," it's between her, and a woman who likes everything about you. The choice is obvious. Go find the latter. You're way too young to be too attached.


Or you could marry her, have kids, and grow old miserable, like so many others.


Edit: Oh yeah... if she doesn't appreciate the welding and carpentry skills, that's enough reason to dump her... yesterday.

[Babeba]

First off, the first step was in telling her. That's a better step than maybe you know - definitely easier than having her find out by accident. I haven't done a survey or anything, but I kind of get the impression the SOs who have an easier time getting to a point of acceptance are the ones who were told in an open discussion with their SO rather than the ones who found out. Also, the SOs who are told earlier on in a relationship (before it's really serious but when you know it has that potential) tend to have an easier time with accepting. If it were me you were dating and you'd told a year and a half into the relationship, I would be pretty damn upset about you keeping it from me that long - but then, there are women who accept fairly quickly after years of marriage.

Second off, my suggestion is to make sure that until she is comfortable with it don't force anything on her. Scratch that; don't FORCE anything on her full stop. Very few of us GGs likely ever even considered the idea that our potential partners could be CDs, and our initial reactions tend to range from, 'you know what? I love you and that doesn't change' to 'WTH? You're not the manly man I thought you were, I feel betrayed by this. By not telling me sooner, you deceived me into having a picture of you in my mind that really doesn't jive now and I want my manly man back.' Your SO may be the most logical, open-minded intellectual type in the world and still have some emotional issues to work out with regards to this. She may or may not want to work it out in front of you. Let her set the pace on this stuff. It may not seem like she's trying, but trust me - it's something she'll think about all the time when she sees you. You've had decades to get used to this, she's just had two months.

From my own experience, one of the best things Crystal has ever said to me was along the lines, 'this is who I am, and that's something that you need to know about. If you don't want any part of it, and don't want me doing anything about it in front of you that's totally cool, but you need to at least know about it. I'd love it if you were comfortable with being more involved or if this could be something for us to do together, but I don't want to pressure you.' Knowing that I could support her and explore cross dressing because I wanted to rather than because if I don't it'll ruin our relationship was a hell of a relief, and it meant that when I had a dumb question to ask I knew it wasn't going to be earthshatteringly bad for my relationship if I said the wrong thing.

At this point, she's probably going to have to evaluate what her life would be like if you were found out (what would her friends and family think of her? Of you?), how she sees you is probably undergoing some scrutiny, and even how she sees her own sexuality. Can she be attracted to another woman? To a 'guy in a skirt'?

It may seem as though she's not trying and your roomate is - but the position of 'girlfriend' is so much closer to a person than 'buddy who lives in the same house and shares rent.' She's having to rethink herself at least a little bit, and on a deeper level than someone who is just a friend or a roomate would have to. In a lot of ways, we feel as though people judging our partners are judging us, too - being together makes us a unit.

Honestly, I think that one of the things both very closeted CDers and very closeted SOs have in common is a dread of having everyone else find out about it and think less of them, or have rumours going on behind their backs, or challenge them about not being 'normal'. It could very well be that being out in public looking at girly fabric with you was a step too soon for her to deal with - she probably felt (on an emotional level) as though everyone who glanced past you guys could IMMEDIATELY SEE that she was with some guy who likes dressing in drag, and were judging her. It was only really recently that I got to be okay with going out with Crystal (in her boy mode) to go shopping for girly stuff together. Going out in public and looking at pink stuff might not seem big to you (especially dressed en homme) but it could have been a lot more scary for her than, say, playing with makeup or hair stuff, or looking at fashion magazines and dissecting what you like about each part. The same fear of being 'found out' could be the case with the, 'oops, I left my headband on! Silly me!' because headbands are immediately visible and there's no way you could explain that away to anyone who saw you with it other than as, 'so I like girly stuff too, got a problem with that?'

One of the other things that might be an issue right now is that it sounds like you're going through a bit of a 'pink fog' at the moment - you've told a few people, had some good reactions, bought a lot of clothes, are talking about it more and expressing it more; it might be a bit overwhelming to your girlfriend (especially if she didn't have any suspicion before that you might have a feminine side) to have it seem like every time she sees you and talks to you that there's something else girly you've gone and done or bought; she might be wondering where it stops and how long it is before her boyfriend becomes her girlfriend.

There's every chance that she'll get used to this and a year from now your relationship will be in a good place. There is also every chance that your relationship might just fizzle. I think that the more you push her before she gets used to it all, and the less you listen to her needs and comfort level in your relationship, the less likely the situation will improve.

How often do you have the urge to dress and do girly things? Once a week or so? Three times a week? Less? More? What I might do if I were you is first off, ask if she would be comfortable having a conversation about the girly stuff (if she's not, ask her to let you know when you would be and back off for a little bit. She knows it's not going away and she'll come back to it when she's ready.) While you're talking, I would mention that (X) night during the week you'd like to take and do some girly stuff, and have as your time for that. If she would like to, then she can come along some time to participate, but you need to have that time to do your thing. Perhaps in turn, if she accompanies you some time on your girly night, then another night that week she chooses an activity which she would like for you to do with her and where you focus on what she wants and needs.

Remember - true acceptance can take time. I've met GGs on here who took years before they felt okay with exploring this side of their husbands. I've seen some who were fine pretty much from the get-go. Most of us have our good days, and our bad days. A good, open, honest and trusting relationship is worth putting time towards.

Also, cut the 'Oops! I "forgot" and left out something girly for you to find. Tee Hee, silly me!' schtick. She didn't react well to it, and it just smacks either of trying to play a trick or that you didn't care enough about her being over to put the effort in to make her comfortable. If she sees you making that effort to accommodate her and make her more comfortable, she'll most likely appreciate it. Talk to her, explain to her what you are going to do and that it is up to her to be involved, and leave the choice up to her. Remember, she started going out with the guy she liked - she's only just met Stefanie.

[Stephanie47]

If you're 21 and in college and unmarried, then it's time to get on with life. If your S/O is acting like this now, then it is not time to stress yourself out about acceptance. It will only get worse. Society has progressed to the point of accepting a wider range of behavior- BS. Everyone will accept behavior, if it does not affect them. Tolerate-maybe. If I was a female and my S/O came to me and told me I was a C/D, I don't know what I would do. Yes, it sounds nice if I were to say based on my experience I would be accepting, but I do not really know. A part time C/D? Halloween only? When I am not home? Only in the house? Not outside?

I know what a C/D is and isn't. Does she? Does she have a long history with you? If she is your age, I would wager she has many misconceptions concerning C/D. I've been married forty years and I did not tell my fiance about C/D those many years ago, because I did not know what C/Ding was about and I had not C/Ded for over two years. And, when I did, it was not anything like I do now. When my wife caught me wearing one of her nightgown-long and slinky type of the 1970's, I told her I enjoyed the feel of the fabric, which was true. She and I bought nightgowns for myself, and, a garter belt and stockings, too. That opened the portal. Later, she became uncomfortable with C/Ding. My wife tolerates my behavior as long as I am private about it. She knows what kind of person I am because we have been married almost forever. She had sexuality issues also.

I wish I was not a C/Der, but, I am now self accepting. Knowing what I know now, if I had a girl friend that was as repulsed by C/Ding as your S/O, if would find another girlfriend, let alone get serious and marry her. If you think she will become accepting of your C/Ding you're deceiving yourself.

[Joanne f]

I do not think it is right for anyone to force something onto someone else that they do not like otherwise it would be just as right for your girlfriend to force you not to do it , relationships are about compromise sometimes and the acceptance that not all is going to be your own way , it is right and good that your girlfriend knows about your dressing but if that is as much as she wants to go with it then you have to accept that then you both have to find a way to make that workable in your relationship .

[MiamiMarie]

Awesome, don't ever try to "jolt" a woman into acceptance - that almost never works. Sometimes, non-accepting women become genuinely traumatized by such things. Even if she accepts your dressing, by "surprising" her with new levels of dressing, she will know that you are not considerate of her feelings or her boundaries - and that will always cause problems in your relationships. Honesty and communication are usually the best way to go.

Since you are so young and since you've only been dating 1 1/2 years, "since November" seems like infinity for acceptance, but it really isn't for many women, especially when you take into account all the holiday and international travel stuff she was handling in the meantime. And sure, your friends may have accepted much more quickly, but they don't have sex with you (I assume).

That said, try to be both gentle and honest. Tell her how you are feeling, that you are deeply sorry for lying to her, but that you are who you are, you won't change (for the more masculine anyway), and that you will need her acceptance eventually if the relationship has hope for survival. Encourage her to be honest with herself as well as with you.

And then brace yourself. Because if she can't even go into a fabric store with you, then chances are she's not accepting, and never will be, even if she really wants to be for your sake. It may be heartbreaking, but you are young, and you both will recover. The important thing for you is to give her your best chance - she deserves it. But if it can't work, then in your next relationship, you need to be far more honest much earlier.

[Shelly Preston]

GIVE HER TIME

The worst thing you can do is try to rush things Its not an easy thing to understand when you have only had a few months.
You could suggest she join this forum which has its own section for those FAB partners

They have all gone through this so they might help her understand better

The fact she has not run off means she loves you and I am sure she is trying to learn more even if you dont see it

[Rogina B]

At 21 yrs of age..It's give her space!! Do your thing and treat her as nicely as possible. Perhaps you need to realize that you MAY NOT have found the right partner! There are plenty out there!

[Rianna Humble]

If you're 21 and in college and unmarried, then it's time to get on with life. If your S/O is acting like this now, then it is not time to stress yourself out about acceptance. It will only get worse.

I'm sorry, Stephanie, I'm sure you did not intend this to come over as intolerant and judgmental, but I feel that you are being far too harsh on the other Stephanie's girlfriend. We have a lifetime to work out what it means to us, but you want the gf to embrace it fully at the very first mention even though that mention only came some 16 months into the relationship?

In the 2 month interval the girlfriend has been away and travelling so probably didn't have much time available to research everything that this might mean to their relationship. The fact that she came back and didn't immeditely dump Stephanie is an indication that she still wants to try to make a go of it, but it is unfair not to give her time to come to term with the whole idea. This is not a time for ultimatums or for demanding, this is a time for open and honest communication.

Babeba and MiamiMarie made some good points about what the girlfriend will be going through, we need to remember that acceptance and understanding are both two-way streets. If Stephanie demands that all the acceptance and understanding come from her girlfriend then she is in danger of turning them into one-way streets which is not healthy for any relationship.

[Veronica Lacey]

All I feel I can offer here is to echo much of what has been said in relation to my own experience. I have been with my SO for 16+ years, married for 11+ of those. I told my then g/f of my dressing about 2-3 months into the relationship as I felt it had potential for life. I was 24 at the time.

It took me some 15 years to learn about who I was, understand this as best I could and then accept myself, maybe longer. I knew that if I told her it could take years for her to digest my dressing and either accept it or reject it. In short, after many years she came to accept that it is a part of who I am. She also feels that she does not want to associate with that part of me but is fine if I do it on my own and have my own wardrobe so long as she does not have to see it. I lean towards calling this arrangement mutual respect. I think it works quite well for us.

I know that we love one another and that my dressing will not change that in the long term. Yet like anything else in life if I choose to force it upon her then things could change. In general nobody wants to be force-fed a life they are not comfortable with. All I could do was explain who I was way back then and ask that she try to understand me and that I would try to understand her feelings on the topic. At best, it took many years for her to come to where she is today and that it may not improve beyond that. Maybe when we are older she will finally say it really does not matter any longer. C'est la vie. It works.

Are you willing to invest years of your life patiently adapting to her reactions and her learning to accept somebody of your disposition into her life for the rest of her life? Are you willing to accept that she may never accept it and really has no obligation to no matter what you feel you are entitled to? Are you willing to be patient?

I sincerely hope that the answers come to you in ways that are satisfactory to you both in the long term. One life, yes? Good Luck!

[Sally24]

Contrary to one of the replies, I don't think not telling her until now was a lie. You are not even engaged so personal things like this are still just coming out in your relationship. I think you have to go slowly, yes. As far as going to the extreme of removing pink sheets from your bed though, I think that's too far. If you aren't free to choose colors because she feels they are "girl"colors then she is asserting more control than she is entitled in a young and fair relationship. Allow yourself some freedom to be yourself and still respect her feelings. If you close this part of you off this early in the relationship than I feel it may not evolve into a very healthy one.

[JamieG]

You should carefully consider what Babeba and Miami have said. We have such awesome GGs on this site; their insights have definitely improved my relationship with my wife. I want to emphasize what I consider some of the most important points:

First off, the first step was in telling her.

Agreed. It took me six years into the relationship to come clean, and it did a lot of damage. You didn't wait until after marriage, so your already better off than a lot of us.

Second off, my suggestion is to make sure that until she is comfortable with it don't force anything on her.

If you care about her, you should never force anything on her. Be considerate of her feelings, and give her time. Don't make it only about you.

From my own experience, one of the best things Crystal has ever said to me was along the lines, 'this is who I am, and that's something that you need to know about. If you don't want any part of it, and don't want me doing anything about it in front of you that's totally cool, but you need to at least know about it. I'd love it if you were comfortable with being more involved or if this could be something for us to do together, but I don't want to pressure you.'

I think this is great. You should try this.

At this point, she's probably going to have to evaluate what her life would be like if you were found out (what would her friends and family think of her? Of you?), how she sees you is probably undergoing some scrutiny, and even how she sees her own sexuality.

I know this was part of the issue for my wife.

I would mention that (X) night during the week you'd like to take and do some girly stuff, and have as your time for that. If she would like to, then she can come along some time to participate, but you need to have that time to do your thing. Perhaps in turn, if she accompanies you some time on your girly night, then another night that week she chooses an activity which she would like for you to do with her and where you focus on what she wants and needs.

I really like this idea!

Honesty and communication are usually the best way to go.

I think this is really the core. Just be careful about "too much" communication. Try to figure out when the best time to have a conversation or two is, and be sure there's plenty of time for all of those things that both of you enjoyed doing together before you came out to her.

[JohnH]

Here is the stick part of the carrot and stick.

If your girlfriend is not going to let you wear skirts and dresses you have the right to disapprove of her wearing pants and shorts so she has to wear skirts and dresses instead when she is around you. Maybe then she will see that she is being unreasonable.

You don't want to hide your crossdressing from your girlfriend. If after some tactful and patient discussion she will not accept you the way you are, I don't think you want to make her your life's partner.

I also think she is being way too controlling if she can't accept pink bedding.

Johanna

[awesomestuff]

Well I guess that is the real root of my current issue, is how much leway I should give her in how I operate my life. I think that the night a week thing is a really good idea because right now, since its so new and exciting I have had a tendency to go overboard in how often I want to do girly things. This is especially true because my natural state is to be doing projects of some sort and currently learning to sew is the activity of choice. In the past she could hang out with me while I programmed projects for school or built a bookshelf or whatever but now I have to stop everything, pack it all away and prepare for her arrival or for me to go see her. It just feels like I have to put away a part of myself.

My girlfriend is extremely understanding of just about everything, with the exception of the Cd'ing, and has been nothing but an amazing partner, she truly understands me, she even was cool with talking about fashion and clothing (something she is very interested in) with me until I revealed this new aspect of myself. I just hate that we are perfect together except for this aspect and I think she could learn to accept it but I do need to give her more time.

So I guess maybe the solution is that we just don't go to my place anymore?

[JohnH]

It's going to be your judgement call. If she can't go to your place anymore meaning from this time on forevermore she is obviously not the person to be your life's partner.

She has been corrupted by society's intolerance for men wearing feminine garments, and it will take time for her to get over that influence. So its is going to take time for her to accept that.

I am very serious about how you need to point out the inconsistency of women being permitted to wear masculine garments by our society vs. the intolerance of society allowing men to wear feminine garments. It really does not help for the cause of men to be able to wear feminine garments when women have abandoned the wearing of dresses and skirts.

Johanna

[2SpeedTranny]

I am very serious about how you need to point out the inconsistency of women being permitted to wear masculine garments by our society vs. the intolerance of society allowing men to wear feminine garments.

I don't think a 21-year-old college student needs to explain any such thing.

What he needs to do... is think with the big head instead of the little one. Am I the only one here who was 21, male, and randy once?

Here's the point: if you have to wheedle, cajole, sweet-talk, beg... to gain mere "acceptance"... it's not going anywhere. You will never have the respect necessary to a solid relationship. If all she's going to do is tolerate you, it's doomed. Pretty basic stuff any bonehead can learn from a few hours of Dr. Laura.

[Babeba]

Awesomestuff, one thing to be aware of on this site is that other members often have their own issues they push because of their own experiences (for instance, my bias is that I think normal, healthy relationships between GGs and CDs are possible, awesome and worth the effort it takes to be honest and open with communication. I think you can figure out some of the other biases on here pretty quickly.) Please take any of the things you read on this board with a grain of salt; it's easy for us all to preach but it's your life you could potentially make or break with following what we say.

Well I guess that is the real root of my current issue, is how much leway I should give her in how I operate my life. I think that the night a week thing is a really good idea because right now, since its so new and exciting I have had a tendency to go overboard in how often I want to do girly things. This is especially true because my natural state is to be doing projects of some sort and currently learning to sew is the activity of choice. In the past she could hang out with me while I programmed projects for school or built a bookshelf or whatever but now I have to stop everything, pack it all away and prepare for her arrival or for me to go see her. It just feels like I have to put away a part of myself.

My girlfriend is extremely understanding of just about everything, with the exception of the Cd'ing, and has been nothing but an amazing partner, she truly understands me, she even was cool with talking about fashion and clothing (something she is very interested in) with me until I revealed this new aspect of myself. I just hate that we are perfect together except for this aspect and I think she could learn to accept it but I do need to give her more time.

So I guess maybe the solution is that we just don't go to my place anymore?

It doesn't have to be a night a week, it could be more or less depending on your needs and your school stuff - but it's a good idea to have a set boundary time that she knows about where you can do whatever girly thing you want and she both knows about it and can choose to participate or not. The whole 'not knowing' when it's going to come up, and dealing with a partner in a pink fog is bringing in levels of uncertainty she's just not ready for right yet.

Also, I do lots of textile crafting as well (weaving, sewing, and hand knitting at the moment but at some point I've got to work out the antique knitting machine my mom was given after an elderly friend passed away) so I completely understand not wanting to pack it all up or put it down because someone is over. At the same time, if you leave all your pieces out you're bound to lose them or crumple them, so I'm sure there's a) some system you already have for keeping your fabric tidy and b) always more than one project on the go at once. Why not work on a project that will progress your skills but not necessarily be frilly and pink when she's around for the next little while? I know you can multitask and do more than one project at once and there's got to be SOMETHING a little more gender neutral yet awesome you haven't done yet, and won't be quite as threatening for you to have out. (Just a hunch, but maybe something that doesn't have anything to do with your bed next, one of those early-on questions GGs tend to wonder about is if it's just some fetish sex thing taking over your life. Maybe you could design and make your own mp3 player/gadget cover? Nice and small and precise will be a good challenge for you, young Padawan.)

To me, it sounds like your relationship is something really special to you, and DEFINITELY worth working on. I think the fact she liked talking fashion with you before she found out why you were into it is a good sign she'll get over this road bump. If you get too discouraged, read that last sentence you wrote again. Then reread it a couple more times for good measure: "...We are perfect together except for this aspect and I think she could learn to accept it but I do need to give her more time."

[giuseppina]

Hello Awesome,

Like Babeba and MiamiMarie, I think you are pushing too hard and expecting too much too fast. Pushing people too far outside their comfort zone too often usually results in a breakup of the relationship, as friends, business associates or romantic partners, and unless you stop pushing so hard, your relationship will break up.

Your GF needs time and space to think through this, and it's not going to happen quickly. As others have commented, it may take years for her to resolve her thoughts, and some never do. Right now, she's likely feeling a bit bamboozled about your crossdressing.

IF she's willing to sign up here, I'm sure the genetic ladies would be quite willing to give your GF some support.

[ReineD]

I totally agree with Babeba and MiamiMarie, and I urge you to follow their advice.

I disagree with the people who recommend dumping your SO in favor of someone who will support the CDing right off the bat. You don't want to do this if you have feelings for her and besides, you'd likely find yourself in the same situation with someone else. Immediately accepting GGs are hard to find.

If your SO has feelings for you, there is a good chance she'll come around if you approach it correctly, with lots of compassion and patience.

[Tanya C]

Well, an important requisite to gaining acceptance from your SO is an abundance of patience. Another is communication, not just facts and information about TG, but more importantly you speaking from your heart. Tell her how important cding is to you, that it is not just a hobby or some kind of kicks, but is a necessary part of your life.
Plant the seeds of compassion by showing your vulnerabilties, ask her for her help.

[Babeba]

Hello Awesome,
IF she's willing to sign up here, I'm sure the genetic ladies would be quite willing to give your GF some support.

absolutely and of course!

there is also nothing wrong with her having a peek at this thread over your shoulder, if you think it'd help and you are comfy with it.