How to start acclimating your SO to crossdressing

[DaphneGrey]

Here is the stick part of the carrot and stick.

If your girlfriend is not going to let you wear skirts and dresses you have the right to disapprove of her wearing pants and shorts so she has to wear skirts and dresses instead when she is around you. Maybe then she will see that she is being unreasonable.

You don't want to hide your crossdressing from your girlfriend. If after some tactful and patient discussion she will not accept you the way you are, I don't think you want to make her your life's partner.

I also think she is being way too controlling if she can't accept pink bedding.

Johanna

No offense to Johanna but this is seriously bad advice!


I Can only tell you that you have gotten great advice from the GGs who have responded in this thread already. You should listen to their advice they really know what they are talking about.

What people need in comming to terms with gender variant people is time. We live with ourselves and desires and as difficult as they are or have been we have had time in most cases years to cme to terms with who and what we are. Once we reach a point where we are ready to accept our selves we want everybody around us to understand in 5 minutes. Unfortunately it doesnt work that way. Think about what you have gone through in your life, All of the ups and downs, emmotional highs and lows, guilt , fear, and shame, binges and purges. Everything that caused that stress in your life, the questions, Whats wrong with me? Why do I do this? What if they found out? are the same things that effect the people we love. If you love this girl don't push as hard as that is. Give her time and space.

I hope it works out between you she sounds pretty great!

[Roberta Marie]

You seem very focused on you, your feelings, and your needs. You have not mentioned at all what your girlfriend is feeling or why she is having a hard time with this.

THE most important thing to make any relationship work is communication. And THE most important part of communication is listening. Stop talking at her, and listen to her. Find out what is going on in her head and in her heart. Don't listen with the intent of coming up with an argument or response. Listen with the intent of gaining understanding. This will show, more than anything, that you care about her.

Talking is sharing, listening is caring. Show her that you care about her and listen to her. Let her feelings guide you to helping her accept you.

Grace,
Bobbi

[linda allen]

................., I am 21, in college, and have been dating my SO for about a year and a half. We were going strong for a while but now I don't even know if we still have a solid foundation. This issue has pushed me away ( I am afraid that I will even say something that will upset her, I just am so unsure of even my conversations with her) and now I feel like I am having to choose between my crossdressing and her.

You're 21 years old and have most of your life in front of you. It's a "SO" (I'm assuming "girlfriend"), not a wife so there are no legal ties and I'm assuming no children. Most of us go through many girlfriends before we eventually marry. The boyfriend/girlfriend thing is to see if we are compatible and want to spend the rest of our lives with each other.

In your case, I don't think marriage is a good idea for either of you. It's time to seriously consider breaking it off and looking for someone who will be a more compatible lifetime mate.

[Crystal Alberta]

I’d like to echo some of the advice that’s already been offered on this thread: give it time. It took a year before you told your girlfriend; let her have some time to get used to the idea. I don’t think that forcing or “jolting” her into acceptance is likely to succeed. I think you’ll only end up provoking a backlash and making things worse.

At the same time, I think it’s worth keeping in mind that she may never become as fully supportive as you would like her to be, and I think it’s worth thinking about what you’re able to accept in her. Acceptance really does run both ways. You’re asking her to stretch herself to accept something that’s beyond what she is currently comfortable with. Would you be able to accept her limits, and her boundaries? (I don’t think there’s necessarily a right or wrong answer here. It all comes down to what’s important to you.)

From my own experience, one of the best things Crystal has ever said to me was along the lines, 'this is who I am, and that's something that you need to know about. If you don't want any part of it, and don't want me doing anything about it in front of you that's totally cool, but you need to at least know about it. I'd love it if you were comfortable with being more involved or if this could be something for us to do together, but I don't want to pressure you.' Knowing that I could support her and explore cross dressing because I wanted to rather than because if I don't it'll ruin our relationship was a hell of a relief, and it meant that when I had a dumb question to ask I knew it wasn't going to be earthshatteringly bad for my relationship if I said the wrong thing.

When I told Babeba that I crossdressed, part of the reason I did so early on (within our first week of going out), was so that if her reaction was completely hostile, we would be free to part ways before either of us had invested a whole lot in the relationship. I already knew her a bit, and so I didn’t expect that, but I had made a decision about what I could and couldn’t accept. I had already decided that I could handle being Crystal only in private, as long as she was okay knowing who I was, and what I was doing. Had she taken this more middle-of-the-road attitude that she was okay on some level with my dressing, but didn’t want to be involved in it personally, I probably would have moved forward with the relationship, hoping that she may eventually come around, but all the while realizing (and accepting) that she might not. But that was me, and my limits. Every crossdresser, like every GG, will be different. And I fully admit that things could have been much more difficult if I had told her later in the relationship. (As it was, I was lucky enough that Babeba was, and still is, wonderfully and incredibly supportive, and involved in every aspect of my life.)

Crystal

[Joanne f]

I hope that all i give is an opinion on something and not advice as i am not qualified to give advice but it is not always the answer to cut and run once you come upon a small obstacle in a relationship that can be sorted out given time and at your age you have plenty of time and learning to sort them out together makes a stronger relationship for the long run , as i said just an opinion not advice .

[Di]

Alot of good advice....botton line give her time....it has ONLY been 2 months.She needs to educate herself about what this all means and hope she comes here as we would help her see its not a big deal and can be alot of fun.

[bridgetta]

Interesting question. Im not sure its been answeres. I agree 21 is young. And i agree time is best. But i am interested in a discussion of the question. How to acclimate. !? I think its about her comfort and yours as well. Do you want to be dressed with her around? Then lead her there. Do you want more time alone? Being honest.

Besides time. I love the sincerity and depth of intellect on this forum.

[kimdl93]

I think you were correct in telling her, and well advised to keep trying to engage her. However, she may never be willing or able to accept this. That leaves the two of you with a decision to make. At least you're not dealing with the same issue after a marriage.

[awesomestuff]

Thank you all so much for the advice, especially the GGs. I am not really considering breaking it off at the moment, I love my girlfriend and I owe her the opportunity to try and accept it, but the real issue is that I don't really know her feelings on the issue. She seems upset by it but is not quite ready to talk more in depth about the issue. I guess by acclimate I mean ways to bring the issue up without seeming pushy. I guess I need to just be brave and sit her down and try and start a conversation about it. She actually has set up an account on here, but after the first day or so on here I don't think she has gotten back on.... I guess I should encourage her to become active on here again, everyone seems very interested in helping. I know she is visiting a therapist today to talk to him about the issue so I will let everyone know later how our conversation tonight went. Thank you again for all the help!

[awesomestuff]

Well we actually talked about it for the first time in a while, it was tough and got kinda emotional but I think we made some progress. I think a big thing is that we have been putting so much emphasis on it that it has become a way bigger thing than it needs to be. We have decided that for now we need to put a lot more effort into just getting closer as friends again. I think the CD'ing has just become this huge issue that for some reason we felt that had to be resolved before we could do anything else, and in hind sight thats really not true. Perhaps if we just get closer as a couple the rest wont seem like such a big deal.

Thoughts?

[Areyan]

my thoughts are that you are leading your unwitting SO down a garden path she doesn't want to be on and are ready to slam the gate in her face. as the others here have made good points, i'm going to make mine (you asked).

1: you are only 21 and yes you do have your whole life ahead of you. as does your girlfriend.

2: if your gf is like most women who discover this secret your chances of your relationship succeeding past this is very low. most women despise dishonesty and lies and this is exactly how you come across to her, no matter how loving she's trying to be about this. it takes an exceptional woman to do this and even one who loves you wholeheartedly may never accept this, not only because it's perverted and strange to her but because you lied about it. that in itself kills most relationships.

3: all of your posts in this thread have changed from "i" to "we". there is NO we in being a closet crossdresser. none of this was her choice and she was not to know this when she met you. your failure to be honest is no fault of hers and you really need to stop putting her in this picture as though the two of you can "resolve" anything. it's dishonest and quite cruel to do so. do yourself and her a favour and stop painting this as a couple-oriented problem. you decided it wasn't her business for over a year before making it her business, so again, quit that "we" talk. it's irritating to me and i'm a former GG supporter.

4: there is no resolution to this, you need to be completely honest and inform your gf that you are transgendered and have a problem with not being able to stop doing this or you are just doing this for sexual kicks and your perversion cannot be stopped. either of those answers is probably the most honest one for you.

i get so sick of reading threads about cders thinking they have a right to push this crap onto an unsuspecting/loving partner. if your partner wasn't good enough to share this with in the beginning then they're not the right person for you and you are wasting their time. i know from personal experience, having wasted precious years on a person who told me 3 years into our relationship.

i am again single in my 30s thanks to this dishonest bs. yes, in my 30s, sweetheart. i had some idiot do this to me at the age i expected to be settling down. hopefully my harsh advice can be taken in somewhere as it sits in a real life experience of heartache and pain that i am still bitter about now. even today, she can't quite excuse her dishonesty and realizes that i was not about to bash her head in or treat her cruelly as a result. apart from being dumped, what else are you so afraid of when it comes to telling your partners? are/were your fears justified?

btw, i have to add... i tried my damndest for nearly 2 years to be ok with her crossdressing. i couldn't do it and i'm trans myself. think really hard about this. does your girlfriend deserve to be dealing with this for however long it takes or are you just wasting precious years of her life and keeping her away from the right person for her?

[2SpeedTranny]

I think a big thing is that we have been putting so much emphasis on it that it has become a way bigger thing than it needs to be.

Something is bothering me that I didn't mention before. Under your forum nick reads "Just call me Stephanie." I wish I could think of a more tactful way to say this... but if I'm a hetero girl dating a guy, that would creep me right out. I showed my g/f this thread last night, and she said the same thing.

In other words... on one hand you're trying to tell her that you just like to wear cute clothes... but if you're also trying to get her to call you another name or change pronouns & such... that screams mixed signals. If you pull off the look well, it's more than just a name. People will make a whole different set of assumptions when you introduce yourself as a "Stephanie" vs. a "Steve." One says you're a guy with a different wardrobe; the other says you're popping pills and anticipating surgery. Make sense?

[awesomestuff]

Well I can understand you have had some really hard times with this but let me set a few things straight. I just started dressing last November after fighting these urges for the better part of what I can remember. After making my first purchase, trying it on, and deciding this was not something that was just a passing fancy, I told her. I had decided this was an interest of mine for a total of 2 weeks before I was honest, not a year and a half, 2 weeks.

Secondly, I put that addendum on my account because it felt weird being referred to as "awesomestuff" as I had never been on this forum before and only picked that name as a properly anonymous title. She has seen my account and has seen that and although a shocker at first since I was honest and up front about my intentions by it and we resolved that issue. I do not go by her or she and rarely sign anything using the name Stephanie. It just seemed odd to me to be going by my real name and made me feel a little bit better in my anonymity as I am still just coming to grips with all of this.

I do not really appreciate your reference to this as a perversion because seeing that you barely know me you seem more intent on making me believe that I am a terrible and disturbed person who is running around rampant forcing my girlfriend into horrifying situations in an attempt to scar her for life. I already feel bad enough for bringing these feelings to light and am trying my best to rectify the situation. She has decided, upon her own free will, that she wants to try and maintain our relationship, and until that changes I am going to do whatever I can to make it as easy as possible. I was merely inquiring as to how people who have gone through this situation before had helped to bring the topics onto the table in a kinda and gentle way.

I am sorry that you have been hurt in the past and that you were unable to accept your partners situation but I do not think that means that no one is ever capable of coping, nor do I think that gives me the right to deprive her of the chance. Perhaps you underestimate the cognitive abilities of most women but I for one think that an SO at least deserves the opportunity to try, and is able to decide whether or not she is able to do so on her own accord.