I am going to start dressing again

[Kathryn Philips]

In November 2007 my wife caught me dressing. It almost broke our marriage of 12 years. I did not purge my hidden away warbrobe and accesories, she managed to find everything and threw every last bit away on my behalf.

Its been an almost umbearable 3 years although fortunately I have not been overcome with depression. But now I have had enough. I need to look and dress like the female I that feel on the inside, even if it is once in a short and infrequent while.

I know that my wife is never going to accept this and if I get caught again this will be really the end of it. So I must be very careful and be sure that I know exactly where she is while I am dressed.

I really love my wife but at the same time I hate her so much for not accepting this
important part of me and her general attitude towards the GLBT community. Net effect is that the love and hate neutralise each other. The reason why I am with still with her is our severely disabled daughter, which I love so very much.

Anyway I have started buying clothes and keeping them at work until I find a suitable place at home for storage. In the last 10 days I have bought a skirt, a pair of black court shoes, some horiery and shapewear. All my purchases are from normal retail stores (no internet), paying with cash to avoid leaving an "audit trail". I am naturally very shy, but the woman in me does not seem to be, giving me the strength and courage browse for female clothing and accesories without a worry.

Since the 2007 incident I have gone on a weight-watchers diet and lost nearly 30Kg
(60 lb). Now I can fit in a UK size 14 skirt and hoping to drop 1 further size soon. My face as become noticeably thiner, which probably has resulted in some de-feminisation of my features. But I will only know when I have a chance to wear full make up with long hair. I am yet to figure how get hold a wig like I used to own.

I will let you know how I get on...

[KristaE]

That's a risky gambit. I would look into good pro-CD marriage counselors. It sounds like your marriage needs outside help and you are on a path that I think will definitely lead to your wife finding out. Tread carefully.

[Kathryn Philips]

I know, this is all very dangerous. It will end in tears. But I am not or ever will be... just a man.

[Melissa Rose]

Kattie, I'm so sorry you are having to resort to hiding and subterfuge to express your feminine side. Unfortunately, it will be a matter of "when" and not "if" your wife finds out about it again. If you think it will end in tears, in my opinion, it will be much better for her to find out from you rather than her discovering it on her own. Her emotions will be stronger and more negative since she will feel betrayed, lied to and disrespected. Your emotions will also be raw once directly confronted. Mature and rational discussion disappears once emotions and nerves are exposed and raw. It will be ugly and difficult no matter how she finds out, but more if it she finds out on her own. Minimizing the unavoidable pain is the best path for all involved. It is a shame that your wife is not more accepting and understanding, but that is the reality of the situation. I wish you strength and courage no matter how things progress.

[gwenbeth]

Kattie I so understand where you are coming from. After years of repressing and hiding who I really am, I came out to my wife and have started seeing a therapist who understands CD issues. But my wife is non accepting and as I have exploring this other side of myself I have been having to keep it hidden from her. I have been doing the same thing you have such as using cash or buying at wal-mart to hide what I have been doing. I don't know whether or not our relationship will survive this but I too feel I have to be me.

And by the way congratulations on the weight loss

[Elsa]

Great points raised by Melissa Rose. Good luck.

[Tanya C]

Secret dressing didn't work so well the first time around so it's doubful that it will be any better the second time because you can almost bet you'll get caught.
You need to be honest and explanatory about your crossdressing. You've got to let her know that this is a major part of your life. For twelve years you hid it, then for three more years you denied it. It's time to tell her that you're a crossdresser.

[Joanne f]

I am sorry to hear that you are in this dilemma but i have to agree with the rest in that you are courting trouble if you do not explain things to your wife and at least let her know what you would like to do then if she does find things it will not be so much as a shock and feeling betrayed.
You say that you love your wife but because she will not accept your dressing it sort of even things out , loving someone is a lot different then not liking it because they will not accept something you need to do so i think love has the advantage so i would not call it even , if you ask most of the GGs on there they will all say that it is the hiding that they feel most betrayed about although i do realise that there are always exceptions to the rule, so try to get your wife to at least talk about it some time as that can only benefit you both .

[dominique]

I know how you feel. My wife found out when looking at pics on computer of me dressed. My non dressing period lasted only a few months it was really hard. I have to scrimp and save also to find out ways to get make up etc. Its very hard to do. Good luck.

[Shari]

It sounds as if you've already made your decision. Sort of like, "Damn the torpedos, full speed ahead."

It also sounds like there's no room at all in your wife's life to even discuss it with you, let alone seek help through therapy. Seems as though the "peace talks" option was closed a long time ago.

I'd give it one more shot with her. The worst she can do is say no and it will be no different than from where you are right now.

If it doesn't work out, I hope you never get caught.

[Sandra]

I'm sorry but you are heading for disaster, and when not if she finds out WW3 will happen.

Sit her down and talk to her explain how you feel and that you cannot hide this anymore and how it's affecting you. Tell her about the FAB forum we have here at least then she'll know that she's not alone in this and can come and chat with other wives/partners and try to get more of an understanding.

Just please don't hide it from her.

[Amy Lynn3]

I agree with what has already been said and my advise is, when you buy some panties, make sure they are big girl ones and sit down with the wife and tell her how big of a part of your life cding is. Make some type of commitment to keep it out of her sight, but let her know you can't continue without some form of expression of cding. You MUST put this issue in her hands, because it will destroy you from within if you don't.

[ikthys]

A question: Is secret dressing gonna be enough? Will it REALLY satisfy what you feel you need so bad that you're willing to throw away your marriage and abandon your daughter? If so, then I have nothing else to say. If not, then I ask the next question: Is it possible that, since you are willing to take a partial version (dressing that is not open to your wife), you could also be willing to take even less (temporarily at least) IF it meant working through this and reaching for what really IS going to satisfy you in the long run, even if it requires an ugly and difficult fight with your wife in order for her to openly talk about what's going on in your marriage? I mean, it sounds like it can't get any worse anyway, right? I definitely relate to your feelings (especially the love/hate neutrality quagmire) and the depth of your desire (how I dream some moments of doing the same). I will pray for you and your family.

[linda allen]

I have to agree with most of the responses. You have to tell her now. Counselling for both of you may help or it may not. Staying in a loveless marriage for the sake of your child is no good for you or your wife. You can still love and care for your child if you and your wife split up over this.

[lauraabdl]

I must agree with the consensus. I hid it for years and then slowly came out to my SO, that lasted for years, then I realized I had to dress more and do it up with makeup and try to pass, the need to get out was greater than anything I had experienced. My SO of 16 years has since left and moved back to where her children live. She tried to destroy all of our mutual friendships and neighbors opions. Some worked and some didn't. I am more at peace with myself these days now but the lonelyness sets in from time to time and I miss my grandchildren talking to me alot. I know in my heart that I'm better off, the woman inside of me could not stay in the closet any longer, I'm 58 and my time is now, couldn't wait any longer.
Be sure you think things out before you go down this path, there is no turning back after she finds out agian.

[NicoleScott]

Some of the posts above say to tell her now or it will be a disaster when she finds out. If you tell her now, it could be a disaster now. Sadly, there are wives who will not tolerate a crossdressing husband, so it will be a disaster either now or later.
If you decide to tell her now, tell her - don't ASK her. And add the next time she throws your stuff away, you will throw her stuff away.

[Kathryn Philips]

Thank you for all your comments.

When I got busted in 2007, after a few days we talked a bit about it. She had indicated that she might tolerate a bit of partial dressing if I really needed it. As we spoke more she backtracked and went back to the stance of zero tolerance. Then she went on to suggest that I should seek treatment with a psychiatrist to get cured of my "illness". When she considers being a crossdresser as having an illness
it is clear that her position would never change. I tried to reason with her and said that we should both seek some counselling but she said that the only person who needed counselling was me.

I have kept busy these years with work and my hobbies, but during every spare moment I have been thinking about my inner female feelings...

[Suzette Muguet de Mai]

Well did she just go in and threw your personal items out without your knowledge or did you know? Like that is damn great if she went in to your space and simply threw out what she did not like. For me and this is only MY opinion, where is her respect for you and your belongings. I do not think she has any respect for your belongings and maybe even you. Sorry but I do not and will never trust anyone who has no respect for me and my belongings. I have my space and within that space are my things, not anyone elses. I would go ballistic if anyone came into my worshop and simply threw out any tool that does not suit them. Like I have a draughting table and I never used it for years except it makes a damn good storage shelf if that got thrown out it would be the birth of a black hole because I would condense matter to such an extent it would implode. Ooohhhh energy release needed where is the lippie.

[JenniferR771]

My situation is smoewhat similar--my wife is domineering and controlling and does not like my cding. Perhaps leave a lieeter with your stuff--explaining your need to dress and so forth. She will only find the letter if she discovers your stash. Better yet store it in an off site rentee storage. or at a local friend's house. A cd.

[kimdl93]

Kattie,

Since you have a family that needs you and you say that you love your wife, so I hope you might try to re-engage in the discussion with your wife. Would you first consider some sort of joint therapy with your wife...try to identify a therapist who is TG friendly and supportive, and see if there can't be some level of compromise reached.

[Jenny Gurl]

If your therapist is legit they will know CD is not an illness and cannot be "cured". During your sessions you may benefit from it, and eventually the therapist may want to see you both together. The therapist will then explain to her CD is not curable, and that it is not going away. At this time, the therapist will probably suggest you both work on on boundaries you both can live with.

[Kaz]

Hey Kattie,

I know in the UK we are less into the therapist/counselling route... I wouldn't even know where to find one, and if I did, I would probably need to train them on CD issues!

I know exactly where you are coming from. My wife has (I think) finally accepted that I do this, BUT.. we are "mature", i.e. the kids are almost finally left the nest (graduations this year - but we need to make sure they don't rebound) and all that goes with that, she does not want this to be visible to her, and she does not want to be with an "embarrassing crossdresser"... so it is all in private, but with some latitude (I think - these things change!)

Good Luck!

[Laciegurl]

I was in the boat of my SO being accepting and helping me with makeup then one day she popped. It wasn't cool with her no more. I can't really help cause my situation, as all are, was a little different. All I can offer is an opinion. I refused to give up this part of my life. I've been doing it since me and a cousin of mine was running around as kids in some of our mom's old dresses we found at grandma's house. I've been doing it too long and have always wished I was really a girl. I've even been mistaken for a girl when I was younger (14 15 years old). I think I was born this way and it's me it's who I am. It took me till a few years ago to come to terms with this and let people in on my secret. I am in the middle of a divorce now (completely unrelated to my CDing or is it). I wouldn't budge on who I am. I was tormented when I couldn't be me. You have to be who you are.

[Dannie Girl]

It is sooo important to be true to yourself. good luck!

[SamanthaS]

I'm with Krista on this one. You will get caught, trust me. Better to seek counseling babe