Support - without wife knowing

[juliecdfl]

Ok, so my wife seems no longer ok with me dressing. If I make any comment or reference to it I get a look. I want to join a support group but she is against that. Her reasoning is she is home all day with our daughter and she needs a break. With my hectic schedule I am only home before 10 3 nights a week. If I do a support group she feels that I will have even less time to spend with her and my daughter. Or the underlying reason might be she is afraid that I will get the support I need.

So. my question to all of you is would it be wrong to join a support group or make friends with other CDs without her knowing? I was thinking of finding one that meets during the nights I work late and just cutting out of work early. Or, I know a couple other CDs through e-mail and was thinking of meeting for drinks and support. The reason it would be hidden is this would start an argument since she feels I should be home early. The trouble is how am I suppose to get support if she is against it. I know some people on here dress in secret but is it ok to get support in secret?

[Melissa Jill]

I would advise against that. Shes your wife, talk to her. Explain you respect her wishes, but that you need help from others such as by joining a support group, so that you can continue to be an effective part of the family and so that you can enjoy your time with her and the kids fully.

[Shelly Preston]

There is another solution which may be worth exploring

If you can find a good support group you will find they are happy to have the wives attend too

All you need do then is find someone to look after your daughter for the evening

I would says dont join without her knowing it will only cause problems

[suzy1]

I would say that your wife and daughter come first. Sorry, it’s not easy for you but that’s how I see it.
It sounds like you are heading for trouble and upsetting your wife and daughter and they are so important.

[Maria 60]

There's good and bad to being a cd, i always put my family's needs first but i will admit my frustration levels do run high at times. Told my wife that i would also like to join a support group, she's ok with it but i don,t have time for myself. Even though my wife supports me i also try not to push it to much, woman change there minds pretty fast. I can relate with what your going through, you want something but you don't want to push to hard and even worse have her find out you were keeping secrets. Having a honest relationship is important, maybe just go at it slow, and she may come around.

[sandra-leigh]

Babysitter.

Note: support groups usually meet only once per month. So a baby-sitter once per month in trade-off would be equitable. Could even be the evening you go to the support meeting.

[Holly]

Julie, I believe there is more going on here. Your wife was more accomodating of your CDing in the past, even to the extent to taking your daughter out so you could have some girl time. You and your wife were in counseling but have now stopped. You say that your wife feels that by joinimg a support group would take more time away from her and your daughter. Sneaking off and doing it will only prove her to be right. Leaving work early is an equally bad choice. If you are employed, it cheats your employer; if self-employed it strains your business. It's time to sit down with your wife and get to the bottom of what's going on between the two of you. Getting some outside help may not be a bad idea. Best wishes.

[Jackiefl]

Holly: amen!

[Kaz]

As you are out in the open and she knows, it seems obvious that you need to talk about it... or get to it by talking about the "time" issue.

I am with Suzy... if I had your work schedule, I would be spending as much time with my family as possible and put my CDing on hold for a while... been there, done it. It is hard, but I got the joy of being with my family, who in my book always come before anything else.

My kids are now grown up, and I get to CD more than ever before. Yeah I would have liked to look as good as some of the younger CDs on this site... but in those days my priorities were different. No regrets! I have three beautiful daughters who are now women making their way in the world.

I wouldn't have jeopardised or sacrificed that just so I could put on a dress every now and again?

[Karren H]

To me it sounds like your family need your support.... Family first, work second.... Personal needs are a distant last, imho....

[Tanya C]

Sorry, but can't go along with the concept of doing anything like this behind her back. For one thing when she finds out she will revile crossdressing even more than she does now. Not a good plan.
I think that you need to spend your energy working on acceptance issues instead. Acceptance usually begins with tolerance and trust, and those will be the very things that will be destroyed if you're caught lying.

[Tybalt]

A long time ago, a very wise man told me relashionships were selfish indevers, each person involved is only happy when ther partner is happy, if that circle is not perfect problems rear there ugly head. Consider this, which fight would be worse. The fight over going to the support group, or the fight your going to have when she finds out you deceved her trust, there is a conflict not being addressed between you and your wife that needs resolved and it sounds to me that is has to do with her comfort level with your cd,ing settle that fight and this one won't be more than fixing your day planner
long story short , talk to you wife

[JamieG]

Given the current situation, I can't blame your wife for not wanting you to take even more time from the family. It sounds like your work keeps you from being with them very often. You didn't say how young your daughter was, but it can be stressful for your wife if she is home alone with a young child all day. Does she ever get time to get out of the house and do things for herself? Maybe if you give her one night a month where you watch your daughter and your wife goes out with her girlfriends, she'd be more amenable to letting you go out one night a month to a support group. I also suggest that if your daughter is old enough that you would feel comfortable leaving her with a baby sitter, then take your wife out on a date once a month. Otherwise, arrange a date in the house: once your daughter is in bed, open up some wine, put on a movie and spend some quality time with each other.

When each of my children were born, I took six-month breaks from attending my support groups. I also found that once my wife had a chance to start getting out of the house more to meet with her friends and explore her hobbies, she became more supportive of my dressing.

[kimdl93]

I think it would be a mistake to go out to a suport group without her knowledge. The real problem here seems to be that she needs and is asking for your support and regular respite from parenting. Meet her needs, listen to her needs and get home early. Alsi s a parent of grown kids, I urge you to spend all the time you can with the little one - they grow up so fast, and you can never get back those prescious moments of childhood.

[JulieC]

To me it sounds like your family need your support.... Family first, work second.... Personal needs are a distant last, imho....

@the OP: Sage words. LISTEN to them and take them to heart. Maybe there is a hidden agenda from your wife to keep you away from support. But, you don't know. You're guessing. What she HAS said is she needs support from you. Three nights a week before 10? And you want to take ANOTHER? I'm with her. Get home. Support her, and spend time with your kid.

And as for lying to her (and don't tell us it's not lying if you don't tell her)? Don't even BEGIN to think of doing that. Guaranteed pathway to breaking of trust.

[ReineD]

The trouble is how am I suppose to get support if she is against it. I know some people on here dress in secret but is it ok to get support in secret?

No, it isn't OK.

You need to start working towards having your free time coincide with your wife and child's, if it means a gradual change or perhaps even an eventual job change, so that meeting friends for support once or twice per week will not take away 30% of your alloted time with your wife and child.

Or, if you can't get out of working nights, you might want to instead make some CD friends you can meet for coffee in the mornings?

There must be a better way than sneaking around, especially if you only have 2 nights per week with your family?

[juliecdfl]

This is why I am a member of this site. Deep down I know what the right answer is. When I post a question I always get the answer, which I know is the right one, without any bs. I am sure as you all know it is very hard in the beginning with telling your SO. I do still deal with the guilt of being a cd and the lack of acceptance by my wife adds to it. I hope things will change but in the meantime I will try to work out marriage, being a parent, and job before being a cd. Thank you for all of the comments.

[kimdl93]

Julie - I think that the more you bring to the relationship in terms of love, understanding and support, the more you will get in return. There's no assurance that she'll accept you fully. But, if she sees that being who you are means that you are more nurturing, more emotionally intelligent, and more sensitive, then perhaps she'll realize that these are parts of that derive from the same place as the desire to dress and perhaps live as a woman.