The anger issue

[Briana90802]

So if you have a SO let me lay something on you. My SO allows me to dress whenever I like to, however there have been times when we have heated disagreements, and I find myself very UNcomfortable being en femme and arguing. It doesnt matter what the subject matter of the disagreement is, I always feel uncomfortable in femme clothes and angry.

What do you think? Is the male side of me coming out? Am I alone in this feeling? What is it? So now when this happens I immediately change back into boy mode.

One last thing are there any emotions, besides embarrassment, that cause you to be uncomfortable in girl clothes?

[karenhunni]

have to realy agree with you , i dont even like being around an argument let alone involved when presenting fem not sure why though .

[kimdl93]

I used to be far more argumentative and prone to angry responses. And I find that I am more likely to avoid conflict with my SO when I'm dressed . Maybe we feel that we're yeilding some power or being dressed places us somewhat at a disadvantage when arguing. But I see that as a good thing. It makes me a nicer person to be around...maybe that's why my SO likes it when I'm dressed !!!

I would suggest a different response to dealing with heated arguements. Don't revert to boy mode...look instead for ways to disagree without being disagreeable. Your relationship will be better and you'll find that both of you can be more accomodating - even when you do disagree.

[Joanne f]

Maybe the word you are looking for is feeling vulnerable ,and the male side has to cast off the female clothing to escape from that feeling vulnerability .

[Stephanie Anne]

I think you have association issues. You feel secretive when dressed and when you are arguing yo9u have to snap back into your other life/persona/world, etc. Being found out is center point to dressing for many people and as such a confrontational emotion like anger breaks that secret intimacy.

More importantly, is the basis for the arguments a lack of communication fed by the desire to cross dress? could you feel guilty that your wife knows and when you argue you subconsciously equate it to being outed?

[msniki48]

So if you have a SO let me lay something on you. My SO allows me to dress whenever I like to, however there have been times when we have heated disagreements, and I find myself very UNcomfortable being en femme and arguing. It doesnt matter what the subject matter of the disagreement is, I always feel uncomfortable in femme clothes and angry.

What do you think? Is the male side of me coming out? Am I alone in this feeling? What is it? So now when this happens I immediately change back into boy mode.

One last thing are there any emotions, besides embarrassment, that cause you to be uncomfortable in girl clothes?

Briana, You are right it is harder to argue like a guy, when dressed as a girl. [ cause you know a girl would not react that way] If i tend to raise my voice and argue with male persona, my wife just laughs now...and says put him back in the box missy....we both know that girls don't act like that, so stop trying to be the guy you're not. and she is right.

Now i listen to her concern and formulate a response, without berating her or yelling [ which i'm very good at] we come to an agreement. Girls are so much more complex. I am so happy to have found that side of me.

So don't go back to boy mode...learn to fight like a girl....lol

hugs

msniki48

[erica12b]

[SIZE=3]This thread has made me thing a bit, lol I have never had a argument when dressed, never been with anyone to argue with while I was dressed [/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]I like msniki48 thoughts tho you need to fight appropriate to your clothing, --don’t wear a dress and stand to pee either lol they dont go together lol [/SIZE]

[ClaudiaDawn]

I can also relate with this situation. Just today, in the morning my wife commented that tonight we are alone at home (no kids tonight) and that I could take the opportunity and dress, I was considering dressing and we had a small argument, nothing major, regular bickering among spouses, but I felt bad about my desire to dress later today. Every time I've in this situation I have the same feelings, I try to catch myself and to analyze my feelings but I am still not exactly sure why this happens. I think in part I am still struggling with my own acceptance on the whole dressing thing, at a times I still feel guilty and unworthy, and I feel that my wife is so sweet and nice and good to me (she really is, I love her), and we are arguing and top of that she is forced to deal with the whole cross-dressing thing. I know, it is self-acceptance, working on that.I shouldn't argue much with her anyway, it leads us nowhere. I don't know, it may be the male dominance thing where I need to feel I am "the man" and "the king of the household", I don't think so, but maybe...

The funny thing is the one or two occasions when I had a disagreement with my wife and I was fully dressed, I did feel guilty or uncomfortable at the beginning but then something inside kicked in, maybe the pink fog, or maybe some self-acceptance came in, but after the initial struggle with myself and felt better, I am not sure how to describe it, but let's say I felt like her equal, not less nor more, and I thought "she is still wrong, and she is going to have her butt kicked" (one of those rare occasion when she is actually wrong, regardless of what 1000s of Hallmark cards say, it happens).

Just my two cents,

Claudia

[kimdl93]

Just remember - it is ok to be wrong. We all are from time to time.

[RADER]

When my wife are having a discussion, and she is losing, She tells me,
"Go put your Bra on". I guess I am a lot calmer when at least under dresses. Rader

[sissystephanie]

How old are you and how long have you and your SO been together? You sound as though you are a rather young person!

In the over 60 years that I have crossdressed, I have never had any "wrong" feelings while crossdressed. I was married for alomost 50 years before cancer took my dear wife, but we never, not once, in all that time had a heated argument!! And she was fully supportive of me being a crossdresser! Yes, we did argue, but neither of us would ever let it get to the "heated' stage. One or the other of us would walk away, and let some time pass before getting together again. That always worked!! The clothing I wore never entered into our conversations unless she was critiquing my outfit, and certainly did not affect my thinking!!

As Kimdl said very plainly, it is O.K. to be wrong. We all are from time to time, and need to admit it!!

[Christy_M]

I can totally relate. I underdress most days and fully dressed in front of my first wife periodically. When I would get into an argument (or disagreement) with my SO, I felt embarassed as if my side of the argument was less important becasue of the clothes I was wearing. I agree that this is some low self esteem thing or failure of self acceptance on my part but for some reason, I didn't feel "right" arguing while wearing my female things.

[Eryn]

I find that I tend to be less argumentative, even in male mode, since I opened up with my wife. I'm not sure of the exact dynamic, but it's a good change. I don't think that I _could_ argue while dressed, but that theory doesn't get put to the test.

[Samantha_Smile]

Anger and testosterone go hand in hand.
Could well be that getting angry caused the old fight/flight response, in turn raising your adrenaline levels, raising your heart rate and getting more testosterone into your system.
The testosterone increase could be the reason for your discomfort.

[prettyemily]

I haven't had an SO to share these things with yet, but in response to your final question I definitely feel uncomfortable/awkward whenever anything takes me out of fantasy land. I'm sure that's because I identify primarily with being male and keep my dressing within a fixed range of emotions and circumstances. I would say that's pretty normal for anyone that's not 100% invested in living en femme. Maybe that's the same for you?

[Kate Simmons]

Actually, no because then I would have an "excuse" to throw pots, pans and small appliances.

[Sarah Jane]

Next time you get angry, try to smile. Smiling is associated with good feelings - when you feel good, you smile. What most people don't realize is that the inverse is true, too. (Works with all kinds of emotions.) Then you can go on an discuss the issue without the anger

[JustAlex]

I don't think it's about being enfemme or not. The issue is to be in a vulnerable position for doing something you shouldn't be doing (based on social standards).

I know that most will disagree because you're enfemme with full rights to be enfemme and with your SO in complete agreement. However, that feeling of being inadequate is there somewhere.

Try to get into an argument while dressed as a clown or wearing a sexy cowboy outfit or having one of those birthday cardboard cone hats with an elastic band on. Even when they're a lot more socially accepted that CDing (you'd be frown upon doing that outside specific circumstances like the circus, a date in private with your partner or a birthday party), you'd feel out of place being like that in the middle of an argument.

I guess that in some cases it could be an open door for raising the issue at the worst possible time. Those who know that their SO's tolerance to CDing is borderline, could feel that being dressed in the middle of an argument is a huge disadvantage. Not only it could be used against them in that particular argument, it would be turned into the next argument. But that's just a reflection of a bigger problem.

[Briana90802]

No not planning on hrt or transitioning, just wondering if others have faced this situation before. Alot of food for thought from people.

[meri]

Briana,
Sounds like a "control" issue to me, in guy mode, you have the upper hand (or at least think you do), in girl mode, you assume you don't. And perhaps your SO makes these same assumptions in reverse.

In *any* mode, there is no need for heated discussions, sit there and "take it", let her blow herself out. Why let her wrath ruin a perfectly good day?

[LitaKelley]

I can relate to this.. I HATE when my wife tries to initiate conflict when I'm in girl mode.. always sends me to getting undressed when she starts flapping her lips

[Dannigirl]

We don't argue at all but I do feel kinda edgey after I have been dressed if my wife has gone out and then she seems to stare at my face more to see if I left any make-up on, it bugs the H E double hockey sticks out of me for some reason. I am totally out in the open about dressing and she doesn't mind at all that I do dress whether she is home or not. But this one little thing makes me very irritable.

[Maria 60]

Wife always test the water when i am dressed, she says i am more calm easier to talk to.

[t-girlxsophie]

to be honest we dont have blazing rows,but when we do have little disagreements,I dont feel any different whether dressed or not,am uncomfortable arguing with my Wife full stop

[Sophie86]

Am I alone in this feeling? What is it? So now when this happens I immediately change back into boy mode.

Nope, not alone. If I'm angry, I can't get undressed fast enough. I can think of a couple of explanations. One is that I simply lack the ability to express anger in a feminine way, because I just haven't had enough experience. Behaving in a masculine way while dressed makes me a guy-in-a-dress, and I don't like that. The other reason could be that I just don't feel powerful when en femme, and anger + powerlessness = frustratingly ineffectual.

One last thing are there any emotions, besides embarrassment, that cause you to be uncomfortable in girl clothes?

Fear for my physical safety? (As opposed to fear of getting caught which used to be a major turn on.)