Why do many women reject CDs?

[Valerie Nova]

I'm sure there are a bunch of reasons why women often reject their boyfriends or husbands when they find out they're crossdressing. I'll list some of the obvious ones here:

• Women typically want manly men, and this new knowledge makes their men seem a lot less masculine in their eyes.
• Women have more of a problem with the dishonesty, and guys should be upfront with this information when they enter a relationship.
• Many women prefer traditional gender roles, and having their man acting like a woman freaks them out.

All of these may be true in some cases, but I think another part has to do with how men and women approach problems and deal with their feelings. If a woman has something bothering her, she'll talk with her mother, her sister, her friends, her boyfriend/husband, etc. That just what women do. They don't usually understand that men have a hard time sharing their problems and feelings, and it's hard for women to understand why a guy would wear women's clothes in secret. A woman's first reaction might be to think the guy is creepy and pathetic. Creepy because he's so secretive about it, and pathetic because of what he's being so secretive about. If a guy's keeping some big secret from his woman, she'd probably rather it be something cool like that he used to be in the mafia. And of course, people tend to be afraid of things they don't understand, and crossdressing is something hard for women to understand.

Now, famous crossdressers like Eddie Izzard and the Monty Python guys, who appear publically dressed as both men and women, aren't creepy or pathetic at all to women. It would stand to reason that if a woman found out her guy participated in amateur drag shows and other venues that encourage crossdressing, that might seem weird to her, but she certainly wouldn't freak out like she would if she walked in on him in drag. At the very least, it'd reveal a lot of self-confidence, which virtually all women are attracted to.

So, if a guy wants to come out to his woman but hasn't yet, why not start going to these sorts of events and then tell her about them? It would certainly help her to think of crossdressing as more of a hobby than a sexual deviancy.

[SweetPea_GG]

You make some good points here. But I also think there is a different side too. Its different if a woman knows of a man who CD's which is not her SO (like famous ppl you mentioned) who has been hiding it. there are a lot more different feelings when its in your own back yard then if its someone across the way. Like me personally I may be 2 faced but others I am perfectly fine with CDing but my own husband.. I am having a bit harder time with. I am not sure if its cause he didnt come out at tell me early on and that after 15yrs marriage and 19yrs total together i find out on my own.. Maybe things would of been different if he would of told me years ago.. its kinda like all thoes years the wool was pulled over my eyes to what I thought was to be true in my marriage.

[Stephanie Miller]

So what I think I'm reading SweetPe, is that you are using the distaste of your husbands CD'ing as the vehicle for venting your anger for his deceiving /hiding the CD’ing. Not necessarily the CD’ing itself – or you really wouldn’t like it in anyone. But since you don’t really mind it in others then you might not mind it in your husband IF you could direct the anger ( or get through it) where it should be directed in the first place. Of course then you would end up sharing the make-up putting a run in each others nylons etc. etc. So with that in mind…. What the hell, maybe your right to stay the course.
I know I’m probably full of hot air ( wife says it to me all the time) but it was just a thought.

[SweetPea_GG]

No I dont think I am using it as a way to vent anger for the deceiving. Cause in my mind what I always dreams of as a little girl was llike a fiary tale.. and yes as a adult i know the marriage cant be a fairy tale 24x7.. but I never pictured myself with a man who liked to wear womens clothing. Im not 100% comfortable with the idea of "my" husband dressing cause thats not what I imagined when I married my husband and had children with my hsuband. I know it doesnt change him as a person but its the small things it brings up which I dont find attractive on a man I am in love with... its really hard to explain but in my future or near future i dont think i could share thoes items with him as you state.. cause well like many SO's have said before "its not what i signed up for when I took my vows with him.. when I fell in love with who he made me think he was"

idk i probably confused everyone more sorry

[Valerie Nova]

For me, the best way to stop being so ashamed and secretive about crossdressing was to show up in drag to costume parties, or go to the drag shows that the local lesbian bar put on. If anyone questioned this, my answer was usually "Oh, I'm having WAY more fun than I should be!" And that was that. People knew about it without me having to make any embarassing personal revelations. And I was able to come to terms with it too, as being something odd but harmless.

[PortiaHoney]

There have been a lot of good points raised above. But, I have another twist on this too..

i used to be a straight male with bisexual leanings. Ie, my partners were exclusively female and a passing curiosity in some males (never fully acted upon).

During my transition, I had the freedom to explore my sexuality and found my interest in women wained but my interest in men took it's place. As I was transitioning, I also had the opportunity to have CD "encounters". Logically, one would think being TG myself and being understanding of CD issues that a CD'ing male would be ideal. Someone who is happy to be a part time female and remain male for the most part as most CD'ers do.

BUT, I found that not to be the case for me. I actually want a "man" in my life and not one who likes to throw on a dress for a bit of fun or "whatever". I know I will be accused of being hypocritical on this, but it is the way I am. It has nothing to do with education or knowledge. I know that it is the "person" who is important and not the "activity" or "presentation". But, the fact remains, I am not attracted to someone who CD's. I have tried to work around this as it would "fix" a lot of issues, but the issue still remains.

So, if a "man" wants to finally come out to his partner of X years, there are so many more risks to the relationship than we are prepared to admit to. Being CD, in addition to being dishonest, hiding and ashamed for "X" years, may actually be the final cruncher. AND, it's not about the sharing of clothes, makeup etc. It's about the person themselves. How many who CD want to take on the male AND female roles in the bedroom? Every CD I have met ALWAYS at some point, wants to take on the female role. "OK. I've been the man for you. It's now my turn!"????? Maybe it's because of my male past that this happens. But I have also had the opportunity to talk to some GG partners of CD's and they always ask me the same thing. "Do my partners ever want to swap roles?". Some are OK with it, but some are really put off by it. It's mainly in the "frequency" and "seriousness" of the requests. Every time is a bit of a no no.

So, how many CD's shoot themselves in the foot, so to speak? They finally win an inch - but how far do they want to stretch that inch? AND, why does it come as such a surprise to many of us that their "female" partners don't want to "share" their own femininity? For 5, 10, 15 years they have been the "woman" of the house and now their lying, deceitful partner discloses that they have been hiding/in denial for all those years wants her to, not only accept this revelation, but to actively encourage it and help?????

Because, in many instances, it is new and exciting, if your partner does try to understand, then YOU don't know where to stop. "I want to try wearing women's shoes because I think I would like to!" to "I want to wear them all the time!" is a huge leap. And throw in that "I don't feel like a complete human being because I can't wear women's shoes all the time!". A realtionship has to be pretty darn strong to survive any of this. It can happen. Sure. But, don't be surprised if she does walk away.

I'm quoting MtF Cd'ing here because the FtM's don't have this issue. They can throw on a pair of jeans, get their haircut and chances are "He" may like "Her" taking the initiative in the bedroom.

[SweetPea_GG]

There have been a lot of good points raised above. But, I have another twist on this too..

I want to say i loved your post and i think you explained some things better then I could of lol

[Steph.TS]

i see a serious problem with publicly CD'ing in shows when you haven't come out first, you are going behind her back CD'in publically and you come out and tell her you've done this she'd likey perceive it as deceitful (by not telling her first) and humiliating (her man being womanly and doing so publicly) I think the best solution is if you are in a relationship be honest, the relationship might end, but it might become stronger, it depends on what kind of woman you are in a relationship with.

[PortiaHoney]

No I dont think I am using it as a way to vent anger for the deceiving. Cause in my mind what I always dreams of as a little girl was llike a fiary tale.. and yes as a adult i know the marriage cant be a fairy tale 24x7.. but I never pictured myself with a man who liked to wear womens clothing. Im not 100% comfortable with the idea of "my" husband dressing cause thats not what I imagined when I married my husband and had children with my hsuband. I know it doesnt change him as a person but its the small things it brings up which I dont find attractive on a man I am in love with... its really hard to explain but in my future or near future i dont think i could share thoes items with him as you state.. cause well like many SO's have said before "its not what i signed up for when I took my vows with him.. when I fell in love with who he made me think he was"

idk i probably confused everyone more sorry

I'm with you on this. DON'T apologise for how you feel, so long as you are honest about it. Honesty and openness is the best way to deal with this situation. I know I am going to be poo pooed for saying this, but you are expressing what a lot of GG's feel about their partner's CD'ing. It really is the "little" things that add up. And to be told that it was "only a joke" which is what they usually say, but it does nothing to ease the pain of those little barbs that really do hurt. And to try to dismiss those little things they do on purpose - just so YOU "remember" that they like to wear "your" clothes all the flamin time - just makes it so much worse. How dare they try to make you out to be the "bad guy" while they are just passing an innocent little joke! I know - I've done it.

AND - this post is asking "why do many women reject CD's?" It's not about how comfortable you feel to be you or being ashamed.

[Pythos]

"BUT, I found that not to be the case for me. I actually want a "man" in my life and not one who likes to throw on a dress for a bit of fun or "whatever"."

So what exactly is "a man"

and yes you do sound hypocritical, if you were a CD, but instead you are a female that was born male.

Now, as far as the fairy tail was concerned. When those fairy tails were made...women...were...nothing. They could not even vote. They were looked on as property, and in many ways treated as such.

On another view. What about what men back then invisioned when it came to their woman. A woman that was obedient, did everything she was told, took care of the house, did the garden, cleaned the clothes, oh and bared many children, in other words a good little slave. That was the notion of a good woman to men in those times. Yes there were the freaks of nature that looked at women as equals and did not treat them like that, but for the most part what I mentioned was the way of things.

That fairy tale has thankfully gone away...well at least in most areas of the world. So when I see a someone bringing up the fairy tale image of a man, it is jaring. Oh and those fairy tale men....they had long hair, wore tights, riding boots, and really fancy shirts and jackets. LOL

[SweetPea_GG]

On another view. What about what men back then invisioned when it came to their woman. A woman that was obedient, did everything she was told, took care of the house, did the garden, cleaned the clothes, oh and bared many children, in other words a good little slave. That was the notion of a good woman to men in those times. Yes there were the freaks of nature that looked at women as equals and did not treat them like that, but for the most part what I mentioned was the way of things.

Hmm I was a house wife taking care of our 3 children for 15yrs.. I took care of the house cleaned it washed the clothes got his clothes ready for him made the meals.. gave birth to all 3 of thoes children and made sure he was happy all thoes years.. so I guess I took on that role then.. to a point it still happens today.. and it seems like every topic on how GG's feel you always seem to bring up how awful it was back then and how women were treated then etc so we should be happy with what we have now..

and a fairy tale is different in everyones opinion.. what someone might like and dream of isnt the same as another.. a fair tale is something you dream of.. happy moments.. not always what you think you see in movies..

[Stephanie Anne]

Fear of homosexuality in themselves.. No other reason.

[Lucy_Bella]

Because they are selfish , egatistacal , onesided , closed mind species..But I love em..

[PortiaHoney]

and it seems like every topic on how GG's feel you always seem to bring up how awful it was back then and how women were treated then etc so we should be happy with what we have now..

And it seems men will remain men regardless of the clothes they wear. LOL.

And, it is not regarding a "fairy tale". It's just the gender roles inside a loving relationship and how they relate to the people in that relationship. When your "man" tells you "he" wants "you" to treat him like a woman - I don't think he was referring to taking away his right to vote! "He" might want you to treat him like a "Slave" ergo by your reasoning "a woman", but I still know that is not what "he" is referring to! Yes, "he' may want you to tell him to do the housework and be a good little "wife", but how is this empowering you as a woman? "He" is still dictating the terms. And, why does it usually includes a French Maid outfit to boot!

I'm sorry. I seem to be really putting the knockers on my own past. If you ever want to really know how the other half live and not just "fantasize" about it, it's quite simple - just do it. Reality is a wonderful thing. Fantasy is ok, but just don't be overly surprised when your partner doesn't share it. In so many instances, your SO did not actually go looking for a man who likes wearing women's clothes. So, yes, she may understand, she may not. If she encourages you, it's not because "she" wants you to do this, but because she understands "your" need to do this.

So, when taking into account women's feelings on this subject, please don't be so condescending as to quote "Victorian" ideals of what a man or woman are and how far we have come. It really is an insult. Things may be more equal than those days, but, I can tell you this, society still has it's barriers and limits for women. They are more discrete than the "olden days", but they still exist.

As for me, I accept the terms and limitations of my transition. I also accept that I have not had the opportunity to experience a complete life as a GG would. This, however, does highlight to me the hidden differences that so many GG's actually never get to realise - which is probably a good thing for men. They already complain that women have too many rights. In an ideal world everybody would be equal. But, we live in a real world, with real people, with real fears, hopes, ideas and prejudices.

[Amanda22]

Now, as far as the fairy tail was concerned. When those fairy tails were made...women...were...nothing. They could not even vote. They were looked on as property, and in many ways treated as such.

Pythos, I love your posts. You are quite insightful. Thank you.

[SweetPea_GG]

your SO did not actually go looking for a man who likes wearing women's clothes. So, yes, she may understand, she may not. If she encourages you, it's not because "she" wants you to do this, but because she understands "your" need to do this.

love this statement! and so true on many levels.

[Karren H]

The better question is how do you change their opinion of crossdressers so they don't hate us?

[Pythos]

What women have now is lightyears better than the time those fairy tales were made. I think it is fine when a woman voluntarially takes that role that you did, and good for you for doing it. I hope your children appreciate it. But I think it is lousy when those roles are nothing less than forced upon people by society.

When I read of a woman "hapilly" taking care of the man, making sure his clothes are just right, and generally pleasing him, that hits me as a form of Happy slavery. I know that is a new age way of thinking but that is what I see. I don't know your whole story though. YOu happily did this for 15 years. So what about the other 20 or so? Unless you are under 40 years of age.

If it seems I always bring up how women were treated, I indeed do. I do so because women in general want to hold men to those old ideals, and yet want the freedom they for the most part have now.

Don't get me wrong. I want everyone to have freedom, which is why I get upset when I hear of women getting upset when men "infringe" upon their territory, such as fashion, style, and other such things. You yourself may not do that, but I have read of many women doing that.

Wait a minute. 3 children for 15 years? That does not work out. Did your kids leave the house at less than 19 years of age? was that a typo? Or did something happen?

[SweetPea_GG]

What women have now is lightyears better than the time those fairy tales were made. I think it is fine when a woman voluntarially takes that role that you did, and good for you for doing it. I hope your children appreciate it. But I think it is lousy when those roles are nothing less than forced upon people by society.

When I read of a woman "hapilly" taking care of the man, making sure his clothes are just right, and generally pleasing him, that hits me as a form of Happy slavery. I know that is a new age way of thinking but that is what I see. I don't know your whole story though. YOu happily did this for 15 years. So what about the other 20 or so? Unless you are under 40 years of age.

If it seems I always bring up how women were treated, I indeed do. I do so because women in general want to hold men to those old ideals, and yet want the freedom they for the most part have now.

Don't get me wrong. I want everyone to have freedom, which is why I get upset when I hear of women getting upset when men "infringe" upon their territory, such as fashion, style, and other such things. You yourself may not do that, but I have read of many women doing that.

Wait a minute. 3 children for 15 years? That does not work out. Did your kids leave the house at less than 19 years of age? was that a typo? Or did something happen?

yes I am udner 40.. ive been being a mom/wife for over 1/2 my life.. (Without going to much into my past we had my oldest son when I was 15 almost 16)..my oldest is now well almost 17 then a 14yo and a 12yo.. so when I say I stayed home to care for them I ment when they were younger and before I started working full time which I just started this past Aug.. before then I was a house wife.. now I still do all of those things I mentioned and I hold a full time job.. so really I have 2 full time jobs.. although being a mommy is more like 24x7 job lol So that also explains your last question of 3 children and 15yrs of marriage.. we have been together for almost 20yrs though (20yrs this august..highschool sweethearts)

[Pythos]

KK, that explains it.

Actually it explains a lot.

I am an odd ball because I personally think both parents should be home sharing those duties. They should be taking care of those kids those first years. I know it is not realistic, but I really hated my dad having to leave in the morning, and not coming home till 6. It sucked cause I only saw him when he was angry from a day of work.

I hope that when I find a wife we share responsibilities as close to equally as possible, especially if she has a job.

congrats on sticking in there. Far better than some of my friend's parents.

[SweetPea_GG]

KK, that explains it.

Actually it explains a lot.

I am an odd ball because I personally think both parents should be home sharing those duties. They should be taking care of those kids those first years. I know it is not realistic, but I really hated my dad having to leave in the morning, and not coming home till 6. It sucked cause I only saw him when he was angry from a day of work.

I hope that when I find a wife we share responsibilities as close to equally as possible, especially if she has a job.

congrats on sticking in there. Far better than some of my friend's parents.

yeah it wasnt easy especially being so young and having to basically grow up over night and care for a someone other then myself. Most the the time I felt like a single parent. Since my husband joined the military when my oldest was only 1 1/2 or 2 he was gone A LOT.. and deployed a lot too.. so I took on both roles while he was away.. I think my boys kinda suffered from that cause they didnt have their dad around to do guy stuff with them.. as much as I tried to fill in that slot I know its not the same..

*sorry for taking the thread off topic a bit*

[Toronto Kristen]

Fear of homosexuality in themselves.. No other reason.

Or could it be that they are scared of not being the prettiest woman in the relationship?

[PortiaHoney]

Ok. I am going off topic too

I am an odd ball because I personally think both parents should be home sharing those duties.

I agree BUT who is paying the bills? Raising kids is not cheap. I put off transitioning for years for the sake of my kids. Now I am broke and they only barely talk to me. Sorry, but this IS a real world.

End of rant!

[PortiaHoney]

Or could it be that they are scared of not being the prettiest woman in the relationship?

Woops - got that one LOL

[daphne_pynk]

I've talk a fair bit with my partner about this and we sat down and did the 20 questions. Here were the general questions and statements that came out of it.

Are you gay?
do you want to change your plumbing down there?
does this make me a lesbo?
you better not look better then me
so....what else are you hiding?

the basic dynamic with men and woman as i understand it is woman are the objects of desire that men pursue them or prove they are worthy of their affection (alpha male yada yada). when you throw a CD in in the mixed then you have two objects of desire. GG's tend to feel uncomfortable and uninterested in being the aggressive person so its almost like a stale mate (pun intended), no one is moving to pursue.

I find myself often feeling ridiculously selfish being who i am, i have deep seated emotional issues and now i'm making my partner deal with it and i don't know anyone that would want to sign up for that. It did become all about me.....cuz i'm the only one with the dressing issue in the relationship.
I was told by a therapist that CD's in general focus almost entirely on dressing and acting like a lady and thats a thin veil of what it really is to be a woman and may be viewed as a mocking satire of their strengths. Hollywood often portray one way to humiliate a man is to make him look like a woman..thats not very nice to to ladies either.

Ways I've found that have helped me:

1.Continue to pursue her, Make her feel loved and wanted and that you desire her, not just her closet full of awesome.
2. get a therapist...don't lay it all out on her. deal with your own deep seeded issues. then only talk about it if she asks.
3. If you've kept it hidden you need to build the trust back. her world just shattered. be completely honest from here on in.

so ya, my humble two cents