Hey y’all. I’m brand new to this forum. I have only started posting here in the last day or so, but I have been a faithful reader of all your comments for about 4 years now. I appreciate the bond I feel to all of you as you have shared your thoughts openly and candidly. I never felt the need to talk to anyone about my desire to crossdress until now. I was content to just keep my little hobby quiet and live the life of the closet crossdresser, keeping the secret from wife through 12 years of marriage. Well that worked great until a couple of weeks ago when the wheels fell off. Now I just need a place to vent my feelings. I truly have no one to talk to about this. This post might be a little long so be forewarned. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just thought that writing my thoughts might be somewhat cathartic and I might feel a little peace amidst my turmoil.
I should’ve known when my wife called to say we needed to talk that I was in trouble. I have been very careful over the years as I looked on the web at sites like this one-careful to always delete the browser history. My online shopping went through my PO Box. Well one day I forgot to delete after spending a few minutes with you all. When my wife found the site she freaked out to say the least. I always wanted to tell her about it but was afraid of her reaction. Well let’s just say I underestimated how bad it would be. As she asked me about it I didn’t have a clue how to respond. I thought seriously about lying, saying it was something I was just curious about. But then she gave me a glimmer of hope. She told me “Look, I don’t care if that’s what you’re into, I just want to know.” I really should’ve seen that ambush before I jumped into it, but I foolishly hoped she could see my desire to dress for what it is. Just a fantastic hobby that I love.
But alas, it was a trap. “I don’t care if that’s what you’re into” roughly translated into “I care bigtime and no matter what you say going forward I’m going to use this as leverage and blackmail to hold over your head forever.”
I jumped in hoping for acceptance-even a little bit. I told her the truth. I told her about how these desires had started when I was 4 or 5 years old. I loved the feel of my mom’s satin slips- I’d wrap them around my waist under my shirt and just walk around loving the silky feel. How every once in a while all through my teenage years, I’d sneak a slip out of her drawer and hide in the bathroom wearing it and loving how good it felt. I talked about my teenage years when the sexual feelings started while I was dressed. How I stole a pair of my sister’s nylon pantyhose and instantly fell in love with how good it felt to wear those under a satin slip. I admitted to masturbating a lot when I was a teenager (who didn’t), sometimes when I was dressed but not always.
I shared my internal struggle to figure out who or what I was during those hard teenage years. How I’d heard repeatedly that only perverts and homos engaged in such a disgusting behavior. And how if I liked dressing in women’s clothes then I must be gay or want to become a woman. But I knew a couple of things for certain. I didn’t feel like a pervert, I just loved wearing silky things. After accepting the “fact” that if I liked to dress then I had to be gay. I came to realize there was one problem with this “fact”. I was incredibly attracted to girls and never felt any attraction to males. So then I must want to become a girl. Another problem. I loved being a guy. I loved all the things that guys did. I love football, basketball, hunting, fishing, John Wayne movies, etc. I knew I was man plain and simple. With, of course, our little secret, that I love being able to slide into a silky pair of pantyhose and shimmy into a soft satin slip.
I told her how I started to buy my own things after I moved out of my parents home. I started wearing panties and a long satin nightgown to bed everynight. I thought that once I got married things would change. They did. After I met and fell in love with my wife, I lost interest in dressing and for the first 6 or 7 years of marriage I was content to just be in close relationship and proximity to someone who got to wear the things I love. During that time I never dressed once. But I could never shake how good it felt, how good I felt when I dressed up. So in secret I started again. Started to slowly build my wardrobe. At first it just started with a full slip and nylons but then I thought “what the hell let’s try it all.” A skirt, then a blouse, then a dress. Great, great, and great. I knew I had to try a garter belt and stockings. What a rush that was! I’m 6’6” 240 with size 14 shoes so I never even thought they made women’s shoes in my size. I was excited to find some on ebay. So I bought some black pumps and even some black knee high boots. I just felt awesome the more and more I got into playing dress up. I had never worn a bra before so I bought one. Then two, then three. Stuffing socks in my bra never felt right so a pair of breastforms were ordered. Good choice. Over the next few years I would buy 2 or 3 items per year. I would only dress up when my wife and 3 kids were away visiting relatives or when I traveled on business. Sometimes late at night after everyone was asleep I would go downstairs, slip into a silky nightie and watch TV for a while.
I didn’t think all of this was a big deal. How could I bring it up to my wife. I thought after six years of marriage that the desire had left me. I was wrong. I still love dressing up. Who was getting hurt? I never dressed when the boys were around. Being the size I am I knew I could never pass on the outside as a female so I was always discreet about it at home or while travelling. Our house is in the country so the chances of me being seen by neighbors was extremely remote. Over time it has lost the sexual excitement it had many years ago. To me it seemed like a harmless hobby, like golf, an escape from a mundane life. (Although not a hobby I share with my buddies) I would get dressed 8 or 10 times a year. Spend $100-$200 a year on clothes. I really didn’t think it was a huge deal. My wife thought differently.
After I told her some of this history (I didn’t go into nearly as much detail as I’ve shared here) she went ballistic. Asked me if I was gay. No matter how I present the truth about me not being gay she still doesn’t believe me. Or the fact that I have zero interest in transitioning to female or try to pass in public. She either doesn’t believe it or can’t see past the stereotypes. I was told that I need to see a therapist to cure me of this evil sexual addiction. She then accused me of a porn addiction. I never really got into porn, my time spent online I shopped! I never looked at porn online. She wouldn’t believe this one either. Or that I wasn’t involved in some online affair with someone. Up until the last day or so I had never made a post on a forum like this one before. My entire interest in crossdressing is just to be able to dress up once in a while cause it feels great. Why does it have to be made into a major thing?
Well, she holds all the cards now. Heaven knows who in her family knows my secret. I don’t think she’s told anyone in the community yet. In a extremely religious small community like ours rumors would have been like wildfire by now but that hasn’t happened yet. My neighbors would view crossdressing as one step above (or below) necrophilia. But unless I agree to get “cured” of this sexual deviance then she’s kicking me out. And threatening to use this secret to take my boys away from me. And ruin my career.
My marriage was going along just fine, I thought. We weren’t blissfully happy or anything. But we were content. I was devoted as husband and father. Dressing never got in the way of other more important things. It’s funny how a decade and a half of fulfilling my responsibilities at work, home, in the community mean absolutely ZERO in light of my desire to wear women’s clothes from time to time.
I still fail to see a big issue here. Other than offending everyone’s delicate sensibilities about the subject-is it that big of a deal? They are just clothes. Clothes that 50% of the population get to wear no questions asked. (Which, by the way, really pisses me off to hear women complain about having to wear dresses and bras and pantyhose and heels. I want to wear them and can’t.) I’m not asking my wife to accept my dressing anytime, anyplace no questions asked. But in the great scheme of things, I just don’t understand it being a huge issue. I mean really, should the reality of my life and marriage change just by having the truth of this out there instead of simply hidden. I’m still me. Or does the label “crossdresser" now erase every good thing I’ve done in my life and marriage? Will my accomplishments be viewed through people’s extremely narrowminded lens from now on? Like I said---Screwed.
I love to wear pantyhose and other silky things. So sue me.
Originally Posted by Samantha X
