Explaining Crossdressing

[KrystalA]

Let me start by saying it can't be done. Explaining why one crossdresses to someone who doesn't, is sort of like tryng to explain a particular sound to someone who has never been able to hear.
For years, I've been wanting to come out to my children, but try as I might, I could never come up with a way to explain it. First off, I know they'd be disapproving right from the get-go, and they'd ask me why I do it, and trying to make them understand and sympathise would be impossible because....well, just because.
My SO is very approving of my CDing, and she doesn't ask why I do it, so I didn't have to explain it to her, thank God. But I know my children, and they'd never approve. I couldn't bare to lose their love and respect, so I guess I'm just stuck.

[Angiemead12]

Im trying to think of a strategy on how to educate my 14 year old son as well. I was thinking of telling him how I was playing a game in real life and that the end goal of the game is to be convincing in both sexes. Kinda lame but thats all I got now.

[Megan Thomas]

Might it help to first try and understand why our children may be dissaproving?

Some food for though: Many or most of us spend a lot of time during our children's formative years to be honest and truthful. We often end up punishing naughtiness or downright dishonesty. So have we set a standard for our children which we then ask them to transcend?

Are the children who received the strictest upbringing in a typical nuclear family the very children who least accept us?

As for a strategy... My advice is be honest, brace yourself for the worst, and hope for the best. Children are perhaps the most forgiving people in this world.

[juno]

Children in the US used to grow up racist, and thought that interracial relationships were immoral. Now, most young people don't see it as strange at all. They learned racism from the adults.

The best thing to do is to come out to children as young as possible, and ideally never be "in the closet" around them. Unfortunately, most women have a strong protective instinct, and want to shield them from anything that has the slightest chance of being a bad influence. So, it is generally hard to sell this idea to the mother.

My inexperienced advice is to ask the children to explain why cross dressing is bad. You can give examples, such as why women get to wear men's clothes and nobody cares. Hopefully, children don't have such strongly embedded biases, and can actually accept their own logical reasoning that there is really nothing inherently wrong with cross dressing, but that it is just unusual. Of course, I would also tell them that society is biased, and that it is OK if they don't feel comfortable sharing this with their friends, or perhaps that you don't want them sharing with their friends.

[KrystalA]

Perhaps I should have made it clear that my children are not little kids. They are in their late 20s and early30s. Makes it a bit toughter.

[Michelle 51]

I don't have the answer but I know how you feel.My oldest daughter knows(she 35) but won't talk about it and the other 3 are probably suspicious.Like you I want to clear the air but not sure how to go about that yet.

[Roberta Marie]

I like Megan's response. We need to listen to those that we love to try to understand their perspective.

And, just because they are older does not mean that it will be harder to teach them. To paraphrase Will Rogers , I was amazed at how dumb my father was when I was 18 and at how smart he had become by the time I turned 25.

My wife and I have 5 kids between the ages of 35 and 19. We told all of them them about my crossdressing about 2 years ago, and they all have come to different levels of acceptance. The biggest barriers to their understanding, I think, have been their losing their lifelong image that they have had of their father, the fact that I had lied to them for all of their lives while teaching them to do the opposite, and that I had kept this part of me from them, that I had denied them the complete knowledge of their father. And while, for the most part, they are still reluctant to talk to me about it, they do speak to their mother about it, and she has been wonderful in trying to explain my reasons to them, although there are still many things that she does not understand and is trying to come to terms with.

I will agree that we can never explain to someone what what it is like to crossdress, I think we can help them understand why. Scientists, for many years without being able to see particles at a sub-atomic level, have been able to describe and understand the characteristics or sub-atomic particles.

The last few people to whom I have tried to explain why I crossdress, I have tried to explain that there is little, if anything, that exists in this world as a dichotomy, even though, when we first start to learn about a subject, it might be easier to understand it in binary terms. There is little that can be described as either/or, black or white, hard or soft, sooth or rough, easy or hard, positive or negative, and yes, even male or female and masculine or feminine. I try to give them some examples of how people can be intersexed, existing as both man and woman. There are also people that while have the physical attributes of a man, may identify as a woman, and vice versa. But, like everything else in this world, some people may identify both masculine and feminine, somewhere in between the extremes. This is where I am, sometimes I feel more masculine, and others more feminine.

This approach seems to help them understand.

[linnea]

Perhaps I should have made it clear that my children are not little kids. They are in their late 20s and early30s. Makes it a bit toughter.

Two years ago I told my grown children (ages 38, 36, and 29 at the time). They were surprised and amazed that I had kept the secret so long and so well. My daughter and the youngest had a load of questions; she and her husband were staying with me when I told them, and they have been incredibly supportive and accepting ever since. My sons had almost no questions; with one of them, the topic has not come up again. The other bought me a pair of women's sandals in my size (difficult to find because my big feet) and has joked more than talked with me about crossdressing. The joking has been friendly, not mocking or unkind.
I don't have a formula for this; in my case, I could not bear the secretiveness and the lies that resulted from my efforts to have my crossdressing remain secret. There have not been any repercussions; I don't live near any of them, so unless invited, I would not see them en femme (my daughter and her husband not only invited me but also gave me a "coming out" party with about thirty of their friends).
I won't say that it was easy, but I will say that I don't regret having done it.

[Jenny Doolittle]

Explaining to our children about how WE are different as a CD/TG, kind of goes hand in hand with our teaching them why they should be accepting and nonjudgmental of any person who is not like themselves.

I hope that we all have done a good job raising our kids to be respectful of others. If we have done a good job of accepting the differences in all people, with the love they hold for you as their parent, it should be a no brainer for them to accept and love you.

[Loni]

if your children care about you or even love you then there should not much of a problem, have you "tested" the water to speak?

a closed mind is a stagnate one,
a open mind needs to be careful or it all just falls out.

go very slow and do not expect them to just open up, but you just might be surprised in your children

.

[ReineD]

My inexperienced advice is to ask the children to explain why cross dressing is bad. You can give examples, such as why women get to wear men's clothes and nobody cares.

Sorry Juno, and with all due respect, this argument is a huge pet peeve of mine.

You don't want to say this to kids. They are smart enough to know that their moms and sisters shop in women's stores, for clothes that are specifically designed for women and not for men. If you tell your daughters they are wearing men's clothing when they wear jeans, they will look at you as if you have horns growing out of your head.

[TGMarla]

I agree with Reine. It's a tired argument. Women are not crossdressing. They never began wearing pants simply because they love wearing pants. It was a utiliarian necessity. Women on farms, for instance, have been wearing pants for eons. And when women began working in factories during the second world war, they wore pants to work so that they could work without the encumberence of floaty skirts or high heels. Delicates just don't work in factories.

Some men may have looked on the trend with disdain, but I'm guessing not too many women had any problem with it. But if you run around sporting a dress, it's likely that most women will look on it as a bit strange, but almost all men are going to have a real problem with it. It's sort of humorous to compare the situations side by side, isn't it?

And like so many others, when I dress, I put on a wig and wear a set of false breasts. I place prosthetics on my hips to enhance my butt and hips. Last time I checked, not too many women are hiding their breasts, wearing strap-ons, or wearing short hair wigs in men's styles.

And kids know this, too. Mommy isn't crossdressing. Daddy is. You'd best choose your words with them very carefully. Kids like to yap to their friends, and nothing sworn to secrecy will ever remain a secret. So it'll be out there once you tell them.

[Stephenie S]

CDing can NOT be explained. Someone touched on this earlier in the thread. You just CAN'T explain it. Do you understand it yourself? No. No you do not. You couldn't even explain it to yourself, so how can you expect to explain it to another? You can't.

So stop worrying about it. Besides, what is needed is not explanation. What is needed is ACCEPTANCE. Ask your children to accept you. Ask your spouse to accept you. Ask your pastor and your congregation to accept you. Stop trying to explain it to them. It can't be done. Ask for acceptance.

S

[busker]

Children in the US used to grow up racist, and thought that interracial relationships were immoral. Now, most young people don't see it as strange at all. They learned racism from the adults.

If I'm reading this correctly, I believe that you are mistaken. Just find any group of small children playing together from mixed ethnicities and you will see that they could give a hoot about race. As a child, I can't ever remember having "racial thoughts". The Civil Rights movement and Brown vs BOE decision were the big news factors.
You are correct that PARENTS who have strong racial bias are the culprits and fill their children with all sorts of hateful thoughts--and so do parents with extreme religious ideas. The Ministry of Parental Propaganda is in full tilt.
I just read something in the TIMES from the census that about 20% of marriages are now mixed. BUT, there is still a lot of racial bias in the land, and it is not lkely to ever go away--for many reasons.
Crossdressing is never going to be mainstream so we just have to reconcile ourselves to that fact. Besides, children don't have to know everything. Parents or adults are allowed to have a private life and maybe it should be that way. In the last 30 years or so, the tail has been wagging the dog anyway--children now control so much and parents tend to give up their parenting roles. Children have some rights, but there still need to be adults in charge.