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Thread: Explaining Crossdressing

  1. #1
    Feelin' Girly KrystalA's Avatar
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    Explaining Crossdressing

    Let me start by saying it can't be done. Explaining why one crossdresses to someone who doesn't, is sort of like tryng to explain a particular sound to someone who has never been able to hear.
    For years, I've been wanting to come out to my children, but try as I might, I could never come up with a way to explain it. First off, I know they'd be disapproving right from the get-go, and they'd ask me why I do it, and trying to make them understand and sympathise would be impossible because....well, just because.
    My SO is very approving of my CDing, and she doesn't ask why I do it, so I didn't have to explain it to her, thank God. But I know my children, and they'd never approve. I couldn't bare to lose their love and respect, so I guess I'm just stuck.
    [SIZE="3"][/SIZE]Life is what happens while you're making other plans

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    Truth, Love, Freedom Angiemead12's Avatar
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    Im trying to think of a strategy on how to educate my 14 year old son as well. I was thinking of telling him how I was playing a game in real life and that the end goal of the game is to be convincing in both sexes. Kinda lame but thats all I got now.

  3. #3
    Aspiring Member Megan Thomas's Avatar
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    Might it help to first try and understand why our children may be dissaproving?

    Some food for though: Many or most of us spend a lot of time during our children's formative years to be honest and truthful. We often end up punishing naughtiness or downright dishonesty. So have we set a standard for our children which we then ask them to transcend?

    Are the children who received the strictest upbringing in a typical nuclear family the very children who least accept us?

    As for a strategy... My advice is be honest, brace yourself for the worst, and hope for the best. Children are perhaps the most forgiving people in this world.

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    fearless transowman juno's Avatar
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    Children in the US used to grow up racist, and thought that interracial relationships were immoral. Now, most young people don't see it as strange at all. They learned racism from the adults.

    The best thing to do is to come out to children as young as possible, and ideally never be "in the closet" around them. Unfortunately, most women have a strong protective instinct, and want to shield them from anything that has the slightest chance of being a bad influence. So, it is generally hard to sell this idea to the mother.

    My inexperienced advice is to ask the children to explain why cross dressing is bad. You can give examples, such as why women get to wear men's clothes and nobody cares. Hopefully, children don't have such strongly embedded biases, and can actually accept their own logical reasoning that there is really nothing inherently wrong with cross dressing, but that it is just unusual. Of course, I would also tell them that society is biased, and that it is OK if they don't feel comfortable sharing this with their friends, or perhaps that you don't want them sharing with their friends.
    Juno Michelle Krahn

    Normal people are weird. Stealth is another word for "in the closet".

  5. #5
    Feelin' Girly KrystalA's Avatar
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    Perhaps I should have made it clear that my children are not little kids. They are in their late 20s and early30s. Makes it a bit toughter.
    [SIZE="3"][/SIZE]Life is what happens while you're making other plans

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    Senior Member Michelle 51's Avatar
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    I don't have the answer but I know how you feel.My oldest daughter knows(she 35) but won't talk about it and the other 3 are probably suspicious.Like you I want to clear the air but not sure how to go about that yet.
    If I knew where it was going to take me I probably would have put my mother's panties back.

  7. #7
    Senior Member Jenny Doolittle's Avatar
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    Explaining to our children about how WE are different as a CD/TG, kind of goes hand in hand with our teaching them why they should be accepting and nonjudgmental of any person who is not like themselves.

    I hope that we all have done a good job raising our kids to be respectful of others. If we have done a good job of accepting the differences in all people, with the love they hold for you as their parent, it should be a no brainer for them to accept and love you.

  8. #8
    Silver Member Loni's Avatar
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    if your children care about you or even love you then there should not much of a problem, have you "tested" the water to speak?

    a closed mind is a stagnate one,
    a open mind needs to be careful or it all just falls out.

    go very slow and do not expect them to just open up, but you just might be surprised in your children

    .

  9. #9
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    I like Megan's response. We need to listen to those that we love to try to understand their perspective.

    And, just because they are older does not mean that it will be harder to teach them. To paraphrase Will Rogers , I was amazed at how dumb my father was when I was 18 and at how smart he had become by the time I turned 25.

    My wife and I have 5 kids between the ages of 35 and 19. We told all of them them about my crossdressing about 2 years ago, and they all have come to different levels of acceptance. The biggest barriers to their understanding, I think, have been their losing their lifelong image that they have had of their father, the fact that I had lied to them for all of their lives while teaching them to do the opposite, and that I had kept this part of me from them, that I had denied them the complete knowledge of their father. And while, for the most part, they are still reluctant to talk to me about it, they do speak to their mother about it, and she has been wonderful in trying to explain my reasons to them, although there are still many things that she does not understand and is trying to come to terms with.

    I will agree that we can never explain to someone what what it is like to crossdress, I think we can help them understand why. Scientists, for many years without being able to see particles at a sub-atomic level, have been able to describe and understand the characteristics or sub-atomic particles.

    The last few people to whom I have tried to explain why I crossdress, I have tried to explain that there is little, if anything, that exists in this world as a dichotomy, even though, when we first start to learn about a subject, it might be easier to understand it in binary terms. There is little that can be described as either/or, black or white, hard or soft, sooth or rough, easy or hard, positive or negative, and yes, even male or female and masculine or feminine. I try to give them some examples of how people can be intersexed, existing as both man and woman. There are also people that while have the physical attributes of a man, may identify as a woman, and vice versa. But, like everything else in this world, some people may identify both masculine and feminine, somewhere in between the extremes. This is where I am, sometimes I feel more masculine, and others more feminine.

    This approach seems to help them understand.
    Grace,
    Bobbi

    "Talking is sharing. Listening is caring."

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Loni View Post
    if your children care about you or even love you then there should not much of a problem
    I have no doubt that my children love me, but there have been many problems with them trying to understand that I crossdress. Just because there is love does not mean that there will be instant acceptance and understanding, or even that acceptance and understanding will ever occur. It does improve the chances for acceptance and understanding, but it does not guarantee it. If it did, these forums would have very few posts.
    Grace,
    Bobbi

    "Talking is sharing. Listening is caring."

  11. #11
    One Perky Goth Gurl Pythos's Avatar
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    Explaining Crossdressing: In a nutshell

    1) You take off all your male clothing including underwear
    2) You put on clothing that for some reason is limited to women
    3) You style your hair in a style that also for some reason is limited to women only
    4) You put on makeup that was once the domain of both men and women, and yet for some reason is only for women for the most part.
    5) You can opt to take on a "female" behavior, or just be yourself.
    6) Oddly you hurt no one, you love yourself, and you look great for the most part.

    There it is, that is all.

    Of course I am being purposely simple. That's because I think we do what the FAA does with some maneuvers, and that is we overcomplicate it. We feel we need to hide what we do, especially from our offspring. All that does is make it something to be ashamed of. This gets us no where.
    "I am not altogether on anyone's side as no one is all together on my side"
    Tree beard. Lord of the Rings, The Two Towers.

  12. #12
    Platinum Member Karren Hutton's Avatar
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    At that age they will know what crossdressing is... They just won't know why their dad had to be one!
    I reject your reality and substitute my own!
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  13. #13
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    Anything sexual in nature or that can be perceived as such must adhere to strict guidelines or else it is known as perverse or abnormal. If it doesn't follow 'married' and faithfully adhere to the 'missionary' style then it quickly jumps the boundaries of what most people are comfortable with.
    Last edited by Sandra; 02-07-2011 at 02:42 PM. Reason: Comment off topic

  14. #14
    Silver Member linnea's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by KrystalA View Post
    Perhaps I should have made it clear that my children are not little kids. They are in their late 20s and early30s. Makes it a bit toughter.
    Two years ago I told my grown children (ages 38, 36, and 29 at the time). They were surprised and amazed that I had kept the secret so long and so well. My daughter and the youngest had a load of questions; she and her husband were staying with me when I told them, and they have been incredibly supportive and accepting ever since. My sons had almost no questions; with one of them, the topic has not come up again. The other bought me a pair of women's sandals in my size (difficult to find because my big feet) and has joked more than talked with me about crossdressing. The joking has been friendly, not mocking or unkind.
    I don't have a formula for this; in my case, I could not bear the secretiveness and the lies that resulted from my efforts to have my crossdressing remain secret. There have not been any repercussions; I don't live near any of them, so unless invited, I would not see them en femme (my daughter and her husband not only invited me but also gave me a "coming out" party with about thirty of their friends).
    I won't say that it was easy, but I will say that I don't regret having done it.
    warmly, Linnea

  15. #15
    Breakin' social taboos TGMarla's Avatar
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    I admit that I have a hard time explaining it even to myself. I do it because I must, and I must because..... because........ Well.....lots of intangible reasons I can't easily explain.

    Any money found in the laundry is MINE!


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    Quote Originally Posted by TGMarla View Post
    I admit that I have a hard time explaining it even to myself. I do it because I must, and I must because..... because........ Well.....lots of intangible reasons I can't easily explain.
    I feel exactly that way too... I think...

  17. #17
    erica lynn stone erica12b's Avatar
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    [SIZE=3]how to explain a need-craving -want -must - at times , is like explaining faith, or the soul, when its hard to explain to our self’s how can we explain it to others ? As a community we must make an effort - yet cant there for we are not taken seriously, and saying it just is will not work [/SIZE]
    [SIZE=3][/SIZE]
    [SIZE=3]Very good question, I have no answer, ask some one to stop breathing and then explain why the felt the need to breath or why there hart wanted to pump yet both are physical needs (to stay alive) [/SIZE]
    [SIZE=3] [/SIZE]
    [SIZE=3]Good question [/SIZE]
    I like my femself; it makes me feel more civilized, i think girltime should be a requirment for all kids.

  18. #18
    GerriJerry Gerrijerry's Avatar
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    That is so easy to explain. All CD and TS woman have been taken by aliens then returned to earth. IT happened for most in the hospital right after birth. A program implanted to see what will happen. You can not be unprogramed.
    TO OVER WEIGHT TO POST A PHOTO, MY wife tells me I look like I am pregnant

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    Before I can explain it to my children, who are in their thirties, I have to explain it to myself. I know how I feel when I am enfemme. I can't explain what made me a cross-dresser. Strip off all the clothing you wear and everybody is naked. You may be attracted to members of the same sex or the opposite sex, but, that has nothing to do with clothing. I cannot come up with a reason to explain this to my wife. Why do I wear makeup, a wig, a bra (I have no boobs).....? Why do I get the urge to cross-dress? Other times I look like a bum in a holey tee shirt, cut off shorts and sneakers? The cross-dressing started in my teens. I was not dressed as a girl by any female members of my family. My sister was not born until I was in my teens- no chance she dressed me up. I did not have an urge to go to a Halloween party as a girl- just your ordinary garden variety of ghost or ghoul. Hopefully, I'll pass on before my wife, so she'll clean out the wardrobe and nobody else will know. I'm not about to reveal myself to my kids so we can all ignore the 'big elephant in the room.'

  20. #20
    Member julia ann's Avatar
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    I dreaded for years the ineividabilty of my children finding out, thought about how I should tell them, what I would say, what if they hate me? Well they came across daddy"s stash in the attic and said nothing untill one day an article of womens clothing was being gnawed on by one of our puppies. My wife held a great inquisition, the whole family, me, her and my three boys. Where did this come from?, which one of your girlfreinds left this here? Your all grounded for the rest of your lives unless I find out...." We all thought it was dads", I had to come clean at that point, they were all fine with it, they had known for a good number of years and said nothing.... the funny thing was even after coming clean and feeling better about myself, the clothing in question was NOT mine and is still a mystery to this day, I think one of them set me up to flush me out finally only time will tell as know one has come clean yet. which I am okay with also.

  21. #21
    Platinum Member Eryn's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Karren Hutton View Post
    At that age they will know what crossdressing is... They just won't know why their dad had to be one!
    They _may_ know what crossdressing is. OTOH, they are likely to have exactly the same misconceptions as the mainstream public.

  22. #22
    Senior Member Kate Lynn's Avatar
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    when folks ask me why I wear womens clothes,and shoes,I tell them I'm an undercover cop,that always quiets them.
    Drink up me heartys,yo ho!

    Kate

  23. #23
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by juno View Post
    My inexperienced advice is to ask the children to explain why cross dressing is bad. You can give examples, such as why women get to wear men's clothes and nobody cares.
    Sorry Juno, and with all due respect, this argument is a huge pet peeve of mine.

    You don't want to say this to kids. They are smart enough to know that their moms and sisters shop in women's stores, for clothes that are specifically designed for women and not for men. If you tell your daughters they are wearing men's clothing when they wear jeans, they will look at you as if you have horns growing out of your head.
    Reine

  24. #24
    Breakin' social taboos TGMarla's Avatar
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    I agree with Reine. It's a tired argument. Women are not crossdressing. They never began wearing pants simply because they love wearing pants. It was a utiliarian necessity. Women on farms, for instance, have been wearing pants for eons. And when women began working in factories during the second world war, they wore pants to work so that they could work without the encumberence of floaty skirts or high heels. Delicates just don't work in factories.

    Some men may have looked on the trend with disdain, but I'm guessing not too many women had any problem with it. But if you run around sporting a dress, it's likely that most women will look on it as a bit strange, but almost all men are going to have a real problem with it. It's sort of humorous to compare the situations side by side, isn't it?

    And like so many others, when I dress, I put on a wig and wear a set of false breasts. I place prosthetics on my hips to enhance my butt and hips. Last time I checked, not too many women are hiding their breasts, wearing strap-ons, or wearing short hair wigs in men's styles.

    And kids know this, too. Mommy isn't crossdressing. Daddy is. You'd best choose your words with them very carefully. Kids like to yap to their friends, and nothing sworn to secrecy will ever remain a secret. So it'll be out there once you tell them.

    Any money found in the laundry is MINE!


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  25. #25
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    CDing can NOT be explained. Someone touched on this earlier in the thread. You just CAN'T explain it. Do you understand it yourself? No. No you do not. You couldn't even explain it to yourself, so how can you expect to explain it to another? You can't.

    So stop worrying about it. Besides, what is needed is not explanation. What is needed is ACCEPTANCE. Ask your children to accept you. Ask your spouse to accept you. Ask your pastor and your congregation to accept you. Stop trying to explain it to them. It can't be done. Ask for acceptance.

    S

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