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Thread: Has anyone broken a rule?

  1. #1
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    Has anyone broken a rule?

    My wife and I have a don't ask, don't tell policy. Lately, I believe that she is becoming more acceptive. I want to talk to her about it but that is breaking rules and I don't believe it will go well.Has anyone broken a rule or anm understanding? What were the consequences? I am okay with the boundries but would to expand them in the future.

  2. #2
    Silver Member linnea's Avatar
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    This is a rule that I would suggest that you work with your wife to revise. There is no way to deal with problems, concerns, issues, whatever when the rule is that you don't talk about the issue. It's a paradox and in my estimation not a healthy one. But that's me. I have no idea what the consequences of "breaking the rule" would be. I'd say, deal with the rule, not the subject of the rule and see if you can set the boundaries in such a way the you can at least ask questions and discuss/adjust the boundaries.
    warmly, Linnea

  3. #3
    Aspiring Member Christy_M's Avatar
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    I have broken two rules where I was caught. The first was not shaving my chest hair. I just couldn't seem to help myself. It turned into a huge "trust" issue wich is completely understandable since I agreed to the boundry and then violated it. The second one was not wearing women's clothes to bed. I knew it was the crimson tide coming in and felt safe but my pajama bottoms rolled up my leg and showed my pantyhose. She was furious which, again, is understandable since I agreed to the boundry and then broke through it. She still asks if I am breaking any other boundries periodically which continues to show she isn't trusting me too much right now. She loves me and is becoming more accepting but still isn't budging on the boundries I originally agreed to. I am going to go back to the well again in a couple months when we return from our family vacation in April to get rid of the goatee either permanently or more often or for a longer period. She loves it and says it is one of my most attractive male features...

  4. #4
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    As we grow in our relationships, our needs and wants can change. If you don't discuss it with her, how will you ever know if her feelings are changing. Don't make the conversation about your crossdressing, but rather about her feelings. Don't make the conversation about trying to change her mind, but about trying to understand what her needs, wants and feelings are.

    Just my $.02 worth.
    Grace,
    Bobbi

    "Talking is sharing. Listening is caring."

  5. #5
    Lady Di Diane Meris's Avatar
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    It is easy to get excited and overstep the boundaries if you gain that first sign of acceptance and understanding, but it will just set you back due to the break of trust.

  6. #6
    What is normal anyway? Rianna Humble's Avatar
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    I think Roberta said it best, you do need to discuss it with her, but most of all you need to understand your wife's feelings, concentrate on those and I'm sure you will make some progress.
    Check out this link if you are wondering about joining Safe Haven.

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  7. #7
    Member Tanya C's Avatar
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    The nature of this rule discourages communication between you and your wife. It's hard for me to believe that either of you intended for that to happen but apparently it has.
    I would take a chance and talk to her. Somehow, violating a policy of non-communication doesn't seem that grievous.

  8. #8
    Silver Member Joanne f's Avatar
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    There are some wife`s/SO who prefer not to know anything about it and do not even want to talk about it and you have to respect that but understandably you would like to know if things have changed a bit , so maybe you could ask if the rules that you both agreed to have changed in any way rather than directly talking about the CDing .
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]Joanne

  9. #9
    Senior Member 5150 Girl's Avatar
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    Unlike laws, Rules have exceptions. Like the old saying goes, "Rules are made to be broken".
    I think I would lead off with, "I get a scence from you that your feelings about my CDing have relaxed a little bit. If you would like to talk about it, I'm here, if you don't then I'll let it drop".......

  10. #10
    Gold Member DonnaT's Avatar
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    Plenty of times. I may be selfish in that regard, but I don't particularly like rules.

    The result varies. Sometimes the rules change, sometimes there is anger in response.

    YMMV, but if you don't challenge some rules, they may never change.

    Just don't let it be the last straw that breaks the camel's back.
    DonnaT

  11. #11
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    Don't confuse the appearance of more acceptance of your cross-dressing with her comfort level. She may be coming more comfortable with herself and not you. I live in DADT relationship, and, I can guarantee my wife has not accepted my cross-dressing even though she does not talk about it or scream anymore. It's kind of like the relationship between North and South Korea. No sense in upsetting the status quo.

  12. #12
    Gender adventurer JamieG's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 5150 Girl View Post
    Unlike laws, Rules have exceptions. Like the old saying goes, "Rules are made to be broken".
    I think I would lead off with, "I get a scence from you that your feelings about my CDing have relaxed a little bit. If you would like to talk about it, I'm here, if you don't then I'll let it drop".......
    I like this approach. It gives her a chance to decide if she wants to talk without really putting the CDing in her face too much. My wife and I have a number of boundaries, and I have been careful to be faithful to them. When I felt that I wanted to expand, I discussed it with her first. Over time some of the boundaries have moved, and she is more accepting of me... even at times says that she wouldn't want me any other way. However, we never had a "Don't talk about it rule" just a "I don't want to see it" rule. The two of you need to be able to talk at least from time to time. The trick is finding a good time to talk about (e.g., when she's likely to be most receptive) and not nagging her about it. If she doesn't want to talk one day, don't bring it up again for a few weeks.

  13. #13
    I like to look pretty Prissy Linda's Avatar
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    rules about not communicating ones feelings?

  14. #14
    New Member annie.hawkins428's Avatar
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    Yes when i was dating my last girl friend she was very accepting of my dressing but her rule was that i had to do it with her and never on my own. well she only liked to do it every once in a while which was hard for me because it is a very big part of my life and I find the need to express myself more than she wanted me too. So of course i had to break the rules and do it on my own when ever i got the chance.

  15. #15
    Senior Age Member sissystephanie's Avatar
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    The best possible answer to your question was given by Linnea! You need to have a sit down period with your wife to discuss the rule itself. Unless you both understand all the ramifications of the rule, you will never be able to settle anything connected with crossdressing!! So settle the rule first!

    And yes, I have broken many rules!! But none that had to do with crossdressing!!
    Stephanie

    Lady on the outside, but man underneath!

  16. #16
    Aussie girl Tasha McIntyre's Avatar
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    Your current situation pretty much sums up mine as well. My wife and I have the all too familiar DADT policy and a set of boundaries that were set together a couple of years ago. One of these rules were that I was only to dress when alone. Attempts by me to discuss my CDing or redefine the boundaries are about as welcome as a solid punch to the throat.

    Anyway, just last week I deliberately crossed a boundary by wearing a skirt and femme top when my wife arrived home. Naughty, inconsiderate and confrontational all accurately describe my behaviour but I wanted discussion, and I wanted my wife to initiate it - which she did.

    My aim was to see first hand whether her tolerance / acceptance had changed, and to re-define the boundaries to include me having the freedom to CD from time to time (not all the time and just clothing, no make up or wig) when we are at home alone.

    The result has been very good for me. I explained why I did what I did, and what I wanted. My wife, being very intuitive understood my reason and motivation. She does want to be more tolerant but unfortunately carries a bee in her bonnet (more a large hive really) about my CDing and is sadly uncommunicative. Many kudos to her though, as she agreed to my request. I do however, always ask if it's OK before I dress when she's around.....so far so good.

    My approach was certainly not what you'd call subtle, or soft pushing but it worked for me.

    Tash

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