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Thread: In my mind, there is not such a thing in between...

  1. #1
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    In my mind, there is not such a thing in between...

    As much as I would like to be a part of something, my mind keeps switching on me and tells me that either I'm a male or female and make a decision, I been tempted to say good bye to this forum as I don't belong here, but I know that the support I get from you sisters is great and I'm so thankful for I have fund you all, I do want to transition and become a full woman, but the risk of not having my kids approval really is taking a number on my decision and not sure if I can make the sacrifice, your toughs? And thanks for your input in advance.

    Love,Ericka.
    She's back

  2. #2
    Kerrie Kerrie Sifton's Avatar
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    Erika, as you will see many of us are in an in between mode. With family considerations restraining us from considering and/or becoming completely femininzed. This site serves as a sounding board for ourselves and allows you to see how others are managing their feelings and their approach.
    Do you belong here? Certainly.
    I find it a safe haven and full of great ideas.
    Having first dressed at age 8 and been embarrassed and then dropping in and out for 50 years till now. I wish there had been a site like this when I was a teen. I can imagine things would be different. My wardrobe would be much larger.
    Good luck.
    Kerrie

  3. #3
    Member Melissa Jill's Avatar
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    The majority of us are in some weird inbetween section. And I say theres nothing wrong with that. If more men were like us the world would no doubt be a better place.
    The ultimate woman is a man - House

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    Ericka,

    One of the hardest steps in transition is accepting that you may lose the one's you love. It's going to be hard but you do need to talk with them and let them know that you love them no matter what. We have a very good section on this site dedicated to transition and we can help you answer some questions. Several of us associated as crossdressers before coming out and can also help you to separate the feelings between the two.

    Going through the awareness that you are transsexual can be extremely hard emotionally and finding a good therapist can help to overcome the anxiety and confusion.

    I wish I could help more but I do not have children but I did have fears over losing loved ones as well as my job.

    PM one of the moderators on safe haven for access if you have not joined already. You will find more support there than up here.
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  5. #5
    What is normal anyway? Rianna Humble's Avatar
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    Hi Ericka, I don't think anyone here can tell you what is right for you - only yu can be the judge of that,but we are happy to be here to support you.

    Even if you are TS, we cannor say you must or must not transition, the only right way forward for you is the one that makes you feel most at ease.

    You have to sit down (at least as a mental exercise) an dadd up what are the advantages of you transitioning and what are the disadvantages. When you weigh them up against each other you may have a clearer sight of whether this is the right time for you to transition. Whatever the outcome of that exercise, please be assured that we want to be there to support you.

    If you have read any of my posts from about a year ago, you will know that I went through a similar kind of exercise and concluded that I had to wait a while longer. That didn't make the dysphoria go away, but at least I was at ease with my decision and knew I had the support of others who had been there before.

    I don't understand in what sense you say you don't belong here, you are struugling with gender issues and you are also friendly towards the TG comunity. That makes at least two counts on which you do belong here for as long as you want to be here.
    Check out this link if you are wondering about joining Safe Haven.

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    One Perky Goth Gurl Pythos's Avatar
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    Erika, it sounds to me you are falling into the whole Gender Binary trap.

    This is purely a product of Western culture for the most part.

    Go and look up stuff on "third sex", and how it is concidered with honor in some countries, even today, and how a long time ago it was much more wide spread.

    You may be put a bit more at ease.

    Ask yourself why it is you feel you MUST be one or the other though. Is it because of what you feel, or because of what you feel brought on by our culture?
    "I am not altogether on anyone's side as no one is all together on my side"
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  7. #7
    Breakin' social taboos TGMarla's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Erika
    my mind keeps switching on me and tells me that either I'm a male or female and make a decision.......
    I see no reason to supress one over the other, since I'll always have both in me. I choose both.

    Any money found in the laundry is MINE!


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    Platinum Member Karren Hutton's Avatar
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    Forums are for people who like to discuss the same things no mater who they are or who they think they are... Imho. and if you don't like crossdressing or wearing women's clothing than bye!! Lol. I'm on women's health forums and on women's exercise forums and they know I'm a corssdresser and if they don't care, I don't care. So leave if you must but your premise for leaving is dumb.. Also imho.
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    Aspiring Member DebsUK's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pythos View Post
    Erika, it sounds to me you are falling into the whole Gender Binary trap.

    This is purely a product of Western culture for the most part.

    Go and look up stuff on "third sex", and how it is concidered with honor in some countries, even today, and how a long time ago it was much more wide spread.

    You may be put a bit more at ease.

    Ask yourself why it is you feel you MUST be one or the other though. Is it because of what you feel, or because of what you feel brought on by our culture?


    Pythos is on the button again. You don't have to be one or the other. The term I like is gender-blending. You can present as male, as female or as something inbetween
    en femme terrible
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  10. #10
    Member Ms Mira's Avatar
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    Become more open minded.

    Seriously: part of society's evolution is that it becomes more androgynous with each passing year. Look at the things women are accomplishing these days in what was thought to be a "man's world".

  11. #11
    Gold Member Cynthia Anne's Avatar
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    I personally think you belong and need to be here for your own growth! As far as your kids go, my motto is you cant please everyone, so you might as well please yourself before it's too late! I wish I had listen to my own advice years ago!

  12. #12
    AKA Lexi sometimes_miss's Avatar
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    I think one of the biggest things you have to think about, is, if you transition, is it going to give you the life you really want? I think for a lot of us, we'd love to be 'real' women if we could be beautiful, or even average ones. But the reality is that we would most likely always look to the rest of the world, like 'a man in a dress'. So if that's your situation, you really have to decide if it's going to be worth it to jettison everything you have in search of something that maybe isn't likely to materialize. Then again, if you very slim, have feminine features, are short or average size for a female, and will be able to live life comfortably if people all know you are trans, then go for it. Always consider the worst possible outcomes, and if you can live happily with that, you're good to go.
    Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
    There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
    Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.

  13. #13
    Member danielleb's Avatar
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    Did you have some bad experience recently to set this off?

    From what you've told me, it sounds like you are already in a good place to recieve approval from your kids. If your wife won't carry a negative additude twoards your gender situtauion, that is literally half of the battle. Your kids sounds like they are young enough to at least be more open about accepting you. They probably don't have much of a preconceived notion of what a transexual is exactly, and you will be there model in that regard, so they can learn to accept and understand you much easier.

    Of course you have to proceed with caution, and weigh consequences for yourself, but it really sounds like you would benefit from seeing a gender therapist to help sort it all out for yourself. Denying yourself will do no service for your children. Use this opportunity to teach them how to live in this world.

    I really hope you don't choose to turn away from us, or yourself!

  14. #14
    Silver Member Joanne f's Avatar
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    Only you can decide what is right for you and sometimes it can pull in different directions and if there is a constant pull in each direction then maybe the only answer for now is an in between , it is a safe place or a balance until you know which way to go and once achieved this in between can be quite a satisfying and safe place to be if only just to take stock of what your next step may be .
    Mastering the in between gives you time to know what is right for you and you may even find that it suits your all over needs as far as yourself and your family are concerned.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]Joanne

  15. #15
    Silver Member linnea's Avatar
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    In a full transition MtF, the male you dies and the female you lives. For those who do this, there is excitement (and difficulty) in the new life. Others who lived with and loved the male, often mourn that loss and can not fully accept the new person. Of course, in personality ways and basic character qualities, the transitioned one is the same. However, in many ways the transitioned person is new and different--specifically female rather than male.
    I was helped by reading several books, particularly She's Not There by Jennifer Boylan.
    No book, though, can solve or overcome the obstacles, the feelings, the interactions, and changes. Boylan's book also shows that: she lost her wife and children.
    To transition requires a willingness to face the issues with clarity and conviction. It is about the individual's being and well-being, and although it will have implications and effects on relationship, one must remember--I think--that you are not doing it to others.
    warmly, Linnea

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    Thanks for your advice and suggestions, I did not mean to offend anyone when I said that I don't belong in between, and i'm sorry for that, wether I like it or not I'm in "between" thanks for pointing that out, and no Karren Huton, I did not meant as me leaving as a treat or anything like that, I've come to like a lot of sisters here and don't think leaving would be a good idea, I guess only I know how much I love my kids and how much they mean to me, just to think about the idea to some day be able to hold my grandchildren is such a joy, I am seeing a therapist and I am working on moving to a transition, thank you all, your answers really meant much.

    Love,Ericka.
    She's back

  17. #17
    Senior Age Member sissystephanie's Avatar
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    If you were born a male, than that is what you are! The clothing you wear does not change your sex, only having an operation will do that. You can dress, look, and act as a woman without having the surgery, but you are still a male!! I am of course talking about the physical body, what you think you are is an entirely different matter.

    You apparently definitely are a crossdresser, and since you are talking about a transition, you also are "in between!" But the main thing you have to think about is how transitioning would affect your family. They should always come first, even if it means that you cannot do something that you want to do!! Of course that is my opinion, but you will find that there is a lot of backing for the "family first" position!! But whatever you do, Ericka, stay on the forum!! You are one of us!!
    Stephanie

    Lady on the outside, but man underneath!

  18. #18
    Woman and loving it LitaKelley's Avatar
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    Yes, there is an "in between".. it's called gender fluid.

    Gender is not strict and specific as male or female.. Do not confuse "genetic SEX" with gender.

  19. #19
    The Girl will Out! Kaz's Avatar
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    Echoing Debs,

    Pythos hit the nail on the head as usual, either or?

    What not shades in-between... that's where most of life sits on most issues...

    You are who you are... accept it or deny it... or be somewhere in the middle?
    Kaz xx

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  20. #20
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    I would say...

    Quote Originally Posted by Ericka2 View Post
    As much as I would like to be a part of something, my mind keeps switching on me and tells me that either I'm a male or female and make a decision, I been tempted to say good bye to this forum as I don't belong here, but I know that the support I get from you sisters is great and I'm so thankful for I have fund you all, I do want to transition and become a full woman, but the risk of not having my kids approval really is taking a number on my decision and not sure if I can make the sacrifice, your toughs? And thanks for your input in advance.

    Love,Ericka.
    Erika, I would say that perhaps you don't need to make a HARD decision, but perhaps just accept that fact that you have a duality of mind and try to blend them into one functioning person. I would also recommend that you talk with men who have transitioned and decided to "go back" because it wasn't 'right". There are several on the forum if memeory serves me correctly.
    Sometimes we get in a mind set that we just have to do or have something, and when we finally achieve that goal, it turns out to be largely a phantom.
    Maybe think of your "problem" in a different way. Suppose you wanted to be a pilot, but due to being colorblind, it was not possible. Think of how you could be a pilot without actually flying an airplane. How to intergrate yourself in what you want and need without actually having surgery and hormones. How could you be a "woman" without actually being one. Dressing is an outward sign, mental attitude and conduct are in inner trait.
    There is a great expense, some risk, and a lifetime of hormones. You have a facsimile female body, but if you are old enough to have children in their teens, the chances of wiping your "male" memory and all of a sudden developing a "female" memory of your life is nil. You have lived basically a male life, have looked at the world through male eyes and thoughts (and obviously some feminine coloration in there" but no amount of medication is going to remove that. Surgery does not make you tabula rosa (that is, a clean slate such as a newborn baby) and give you a new start in life. Only in the movies. I think of it as something like when a person has lost a limb and they have phantom pain in the lost limb. The mind says yes, the actual body say NO. The mind is a very potent thing and can convince us of things that are not necessarily true.
    Have you looked at alternate approaches? Obviously, there are people who transition sucessfully, but you will need work to support yourself and your ex-family, so make a list of your skills to be certain that you have a reasonably good chance of survival. re-marriage is likely to be out of the picture. So many Cds here have SOs who are non-suportive, and a TS will have higher odds of finding a supportive SO.
    Remember, in the US, there is very little safety net for any of us, and when you become a TS, life is likely to be harder, people may be less tollerant and accepting and if your mental state is not up to dealing with what could be a very difficult life, you may want to try other avenues to deal with your dual person.
    Having a therapist is likely a good thing, but be careful that they don'y just say yes to everything to want because in the end, it will be you who have to pay the piper. Perhaps a psychiatrist would be better in that they have different training and will not just let you do something against your better interest. You want someone to ask the tough questions as well.
    What are my qualifications for the above advice. Living 67 years with some successes, some failures, a lot of thought about my life and never making a decision (with a few exceptions) without a lot of appropriate questions. Measure twice, cut once is not a bad policy.
    I'm sorry if I have caused further anxiety by talking the hard talk, but I don't subscribe to the "if it feels good, do it" groupthink. Only you will pay for the consequences of your actions.
    I do wish you the best on your journey.

  21. #21
    Fab Karen Fab Karen's Avatar
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    Talk to a therapist. As for the title subject,"there are more things in heaven & Earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy"
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    Senior Member carolinoakland's Avatar
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    Ericka, there is a misconception that the gender identity path ends with full transition. This is false. The end of the gender identity path is individual. For some, like CD's, it's knowing that they are male and accept the joy that presenting in the opossite gender brings them. For others it is that complete full time life after every surgery and hormone treatment can achieve. And every shade of the rainbow inbetween. The end of your gender identity path is the place where you are happy with who you are and can live your life and thrive. And wave merrily at those still on that path who have not found their end.

    As a parent I understand your fear of your childrens reaction. Only you can know if they are ready. When I first started, if I'd told my child it would have been devastating. I waited until she was older, and yes, a little wiser than even me. But ask yourself this, is there anything your child could ever do or be that would make you stop loving your child? Why would you ever think they'd stop loving you? Carol

  23. #23
    fierce glamazon
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    the fact is many 'women' and many 'men' re preoccupied with their respective degrees of 'womanhood' and 'manhood' as well. No matter what you do you will never be 'man' or 'woman' as these things are merely concepts which we buy into. You can only ever be 'you', and it is culture which tries obsessively to 'gender' you. Gender is perhaps the first and foremost criteria that people use to determine their relationship/interactions with others, and so it's quite automatic (and many would also argue phallocentric, ie - if in doubt, it's male)

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  25. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pythos View Post
    Erika, it sounds to me you are falling into the whole Gender Binary trap.

    This is purely a product of Western culture for the most part.

    Go and look up stuff on "third sex", and how it is concidered with honor in some countries, even today, and how a long time ago it was much more wide spread.

    You may be put a bit more at ease.

    Ask yourself why it is you feel you MUST be one or the other though. Is it because of what you feel, or because of what you feel brought on by our culture?
    Because some of us are one gender or the other. Not everyone is a gender queer. Some, like myself, require the peace of mind of finding a way out of a mismatched assignment at birth. I must because it is who I am and always was. Living one more year as a lie was killing me. I have no interest in a male role, nor do I feel comfortable in the role that I was assigned. I have never been happier or healthier than now and that to me is fact.

    I would assume I am not alone in this and it sounds like our lovely originator of this post is also feeling the same struggle. Don't assume ever that your way is the right way for someone else.

    Oh and that western culture bull crap can go away. The world is full of oppressive gender stereotypes.
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