Venting about my wife

[Gocaps14]

I have come out to my wife a couple of times. The first time was before we married, with a positive result. I guess she thought I would grow out of it, but as we all know, that didn't happen. We went along with life, until one day I told her I wanted to wear panties 24/7, that conversation didn't go as well and we made a don't ask, don't tell policy. Again life continued, until last year she found the only female clothes I owned, 2 panties stashed under my boxers. She was disgusted and told me so....frequently. Things started to detiriorate and we began not getting along so well, and then one night we had a major tiff and she kept brining up my enjoyment of womens underwear. Later that night, I wrote her a long letter basicly saying that yes, I enjoy wearing womens clothes, its a part of who I am and its not always sexual. I also told her that I wanted to remain married to her, did not want to become a woman and that I love her very much. We again developed a don't ask, don't tell policy. Here is the bombshell, she is Samoan, an islland in the Pacific, that has a lare segment of males living as females. My wife has an unclew whom lives as Dolly full time! It seems to me that she should understand!!!! I know I have made mistakes and could have done things differently, but I always thought I was playing by the rules. We are coming up on our 20th anniversary, and have settled into a statea comfortable silence. I would like to talk to her, about a lot of things, but I feel she doesn't want that. Therefore, here I am, venting about my wife, thanks for listening.

[Rianna Humble]

Hi Gocaps,

I'm sorry you are having a difficult period with your wife over your cross-dressing. It does seem from what you say that you have tried to be honest with her and to respect her boundaries. I think that your letter is probably a good idea, but I am concerned by the DADT response.

[joan658]

Perhaps if you could get her some books or articles to read - there are many written by wives of cross dressers. When my wife discovered my 'stash' of fem clothes 14 years ago that's what I did. We also joined a local chapter of Tri-ess where she could talk with other wives and SOs which helped a lot. Good luck ...

[Karren H]

I've read abut the Samoan society's third gender "Fa'afafine". Translated to "in the manner of a woman". Really interesting but just because she has one as a relative doesn't mean she wants one as a husband. Marriage between women and Fa'afafines do happen in Samoa but like the western world, marriage is mainly between a man and a woman... So its great they openly accept transgenders as a part of society..

Just like my wife. She doesn't want it flaunted in her face. Which means you need to hide you panties better. Lol. My wife wll not go into my wardrobe or drawers any more. Think she's afraid of what she will find.

[Presh GG]

As Joan658 was saying, I would find a place where she can talk with other wives / sos of cds. Like maybe Here ?

Ask her if she would like to understand more about the Trans gender person and make it happen. There are social TG clubs that include wives she can talk with.
She, like you , needs someone to talk with.

Good morning,
Coffee !
Presh GG

[Kiera79]

if her family is like this maybe she is just the type that really doesn't approve of it.

[Roberta Marie]

Why does your wife not like you to wear women's undereware? What are her reasons? You seem to have made your feelings appearant, but what are her feelings on the subject? It's obvious that you do not understand.

In every relationship, it is imparative to have open and honest communication. And the most important part of communication is listening. You need to listen to your wife. And you need to listen, not with the intent of responding to her, not with the intent of changing her mind, but rather with the intent of truly understanding her, understanding her feelings. If you demonstrate to her that you are willing to honestly understand her and accept her point of view, then perhaps she will try to understand your feelings and your needs to dress. But, if you don't listen and try to understand her feelings, why should you expect her to try to understand your feelings?

I don't mean single you out, here, or accuse or judge. When I ask you these difficult questions, I ask them of the entire community, including myself. When talking to wives and SOs of crossdressers, the most common statement that I hear is, "He never tries to undedrstand what I'm going through. He does not seem to care about my feelings."

I think we all, for the most part, need to stop thinking about ourselves so much, and start thinking about those that are most effected by us, those that love us, and those that are trying to cope with us.

[JohnH]

I may sound a little cold hearted. I feel it is really none of your wife's business what you wear as underwear. As far as I'm concerned she should even accept your wearing a nightgown to bed. But do try to understand her feelings. I could see her objecting perhaps if you wore a dress inside the house or especially outside. (My wife, bless her heart, has gone for walks around the neighborhood while I was wearing a dress).

All of my feminine garments are in plain sight in the closet, and I wear dresses around the house when my wife is present.

Johanna

[NicoleScott]

I somewhat agree with Johanna. You told her (twice) and she gave you tacit approval. She either changed or wasn't straight with you about her disapproval. You should wear what you want to sleep in, without asking permission.

[docrobbysherry]

When I first started seriously dating my now ex, she had issues!

The biggest one was me looking at other women when she was there. I said, " I'm just looking, I'm NOT shopping!" Then, "Why does that bother u?"

It bothered her because her dad did that. But, he followed up with every woman that gave him the opportunity.

I said, "I'm NOT your father. I'm just lookin', PERIOD!" Then, she got it!

Maybe there's more to this, "Her uncle's a dresser", thing than u realize!?

[JenniferR771]

Crossdressing common in Samoa. I wonder why? Can your wife explain it?

[Katesback]

Your wife married a man. She expects you to act like the typical man in society. If she wanted a girl she would be a lesbian.

I would suggest to you that you really need to ask yourself what you really are and what you really intend to do or be. If the trans stuff is what makes YOU happy then you should pursue that since you only live once. That might mean no longer being married but such is life.

What you should not do is be complaing or expecting your wife to accept your CD aspects. As I said she married a man and expects a man and I as a TS woman would be exactly the same.

Katie

[JohnH]

Katie,

GoCaps14 is simply wearing feminine underwear and just panties at that! What is the big deal about that? (S)he is not wearing feminine outer clothes as far as I could see since (s)he stated that (s)he has only two panties.

I myself prefer men's underwear even when I wear dresses but if I want to wear panties that is entirely up to me. She has been known to pull up the hem of my dress or skirt, and tease me if I am wearing panties. My wife could not care any less if I wear briefs or panties.

That is ridiculous to compare a man who wears panties to a woman. GoCaps14 has not indicated that (s)he intends to start m2f HRT.

Johanna

[Katesback]

I have to presume she is a CD. I am quite aware of the concept of escalation in the CD land. I think you call it Pink Fog. I have a feeling at many women understand that caving to one thing will lead to another and another and another. It happens so often (just read the threads here) that she probably is not willing to take the chance of allowing anything. I really dont blame her either.

What I do support is a person being who they are and taking the bad that goes with it. It is a lot healthier than walking a tightrope your entire life dealing with all the emotional crap.

Katie,

GoCaps14 is simply wearing feminine underwear and just panties at that! What is the big deal about that? (S)he is not wearing feminine outer clothes as far as I could see since (s)he stated that (s)he has only two panties.

I myself prefer men's underwear even when I wear dresses but if I want to wear panties that is entirely up to me. She has been known to pull up the hem of my dress or skirt, and tease me if I am wearing panties. My wife could not care any less if I wear briefs or panties.

That is ridiculous to compare a man who wears panties to a woman. GoCaps14 has not indicated that (s)he intends to start m2f HRT.

Johanna

[Stephanie47]

She blew a fuse over TWO panties???? I hope they were at least PINK with lots of LACE. What would your wife do if she found my wardrobe of over sixty dresses, hundreds of slips (I love slips), two dozen plus bras, shape wear, dozens of panties, three wigs, a dozen pair of heels, etc?

If all it takes to keep you happy and amorous is a pair of panties, if I was her I'd enroll you in the panty of the month club!

[kimdl93]

The thing to remember is we are all different, and WE ALL CHANGE. That doesn't mean we all become more enlightened or responsible, nor reasonable. Your wife has not gone down the same path as you....and there is no reason to assign fault. The DADT thing is a form of denial....and if you want a fulfilling and sustainable relationship you need to be able to be honest with her, and she in turn needs to be able to accept. If not...I dont' see a future to this relationship.

[Rianna Humble]

I have come out to my wife a couple of times. The first time was before we married, with a positive result.

Your wife married a man. She expects you to act like the typical man in society.

What part of "I have come out to my wife a couple of times. The first time was before we married" did you not understand, Kate?

Gocaps' wife did not think that she was going to marry a cisgendered man, she knew she married a man whose cross-dressing she accepted.

[Joanne f]

It is tempting to say or think that because your wife is Samoan she should be reasonably OK with it as it is in there society but is it possible that it is one of the reasons that she did not want a Samoan husband because she was worried that something like this might happen , if it is in your culture it does not necessary mean that you will agree with it , maybe you could find out if this has anything to do with it and alleviate her fears .