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  1. #1
    Member James Kaon's Avatar
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    Why is being gay a prob?

    I have tonight replied to a few posts, sometimes I had to make myself as I seem to be constantly worried I may come across as a 'newbie' who would not understand the true feelings of a CDer (being that I am I think a fetishist). But I guess I wanted to open a small debate...

    One thing I have noticed from joining this forum is the incredible range of people... So many have revealed to their SO their preferred lifestyle and there has been both positive and very negative results. Many are keeping a secret, and need somewhere to express and ask advice. So many others have different reasons which I must admit, I did not know about as I was until a few months ago ignorant of all.

    But one thing that has come up quite alot is the link to homosexuality. I think I am probably guilty of this too but currently dont worry about it. I guess I just want to ask the question, if you are not gay, and you wear girls clothes, why is it important to state your sexuality (i am not attacking anyone here, I think I have done the same thing to my friend when I told her about it)? Is it because it may limit your/our options or is it because it would be another level of prejudice we do not want to have to endure?

    I think I have replied to a thread already something on these lines, but was truly curious as to why it is such an issue that needs stating? Surely, whether a fetish or a gender thing or whatever it is, this is the most safe place to NOT be pigeon holed?

    I guess this has prob been asked b4, but as I have always felt ok with gays or straight, I was curious as to why I needed to say that i was not gay! For gods sake, my friend does not worry if I am straight!!!!!

    All the best!
    Jx

  2. #2
    fierce glamazon
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    one word that starts with homo and ends with phobia

  3. #3
    Member James Kaon's Avatar
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    Yes that is good answer- but I am pretty certain that many CDers are not homophobic and would be comfortable in the company of a gay or straight person. I dont believe I am homophobic, but when I told a friend of mine that I like wearing panties and tights, I did state I was not gay! Well, actually she asked me and I replied, but u know what i mean!

    I saw a post tonight that really made me wanna send a private mail to them because they seemed so down, and I wanted them to feel like they could chat if they wanted, BUT I worried they may misinterpret my words as being 'interested'. I think thats why I asked this question - i am open to being friends to people here, but worry that it may come across as flirting... I dunno... Im pretty dumb :P

  4. #4
    What is normal anyway? Rianna Humble's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by James Kaon View Post
    Yes that is good answer- but I am pretty certain that many CDers are not homophobic and would be comfortable in the company of a gay or straight person. I dont believe I am homophobic, but when I told a friend of mine that I like wearing panties and tights, I did state I was not gay! Well, actually she asked me and I replied, but u know what i mean!
    There is a great deal of difference between giving an honest answer to a direct question and the practice that we sometimes see of throwing in a disclaimer about your sexuality when doing so is off-topic.

    Quote Originally Posted by James Kaon View Post
    I saw a post tonight that really made me wanna send a private mail to them because they seemed so down, and I wanted them to feel like they could chat if they wanted, BUT I worried they may misinterpret my words as being 'interested'.
    One of the good things about being on a support site is that we do not have to feel guilty about supportive actions. Most people won't be looking for ulterior motives if you see someone is down and send them a message of support.
    Check out this link if you are wondering about joining Safe Haven.

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    Because most of the people on this site are the same hetero normative people they were before putting on a dress. Transgender is not like some homophobic cure all.

    We face the same problems as non transgender homosexuals do. We just often face it from our peers because sexuality is not a defining characteristic like it is in the gay and lesbian community.

    You would be surprised how many people on this site are actually right wing fundamentalists that think everything you do is a sin.
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  6. #6
    Member Zoe Preston's Avatar
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    I take it you're not married James? Believe me if you're in a relationship with a woman and tell her you are a CDer you are going to be asked if you are Gay. Many women are OKish with tolerating what they may perceive as a quirk/fetish thing but not living a lie.

    Other than those threads that talk about coming out to the SO I haven't noticed a lot of threads where posters state "I'm not Gay" when it isn't relevant.

    Ever think that maybe their SO's also read the board and worry about the "How are my Gay Crossdressers doing" kind of thread ? So maybe some posters feel the need to imply "It's a broad Church - but we sit across the aisle from them"

    Zoe

  7. #7
    The best of both worlds Kathi Lake's Avatar
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    Zoe echoes my thoughts exactly. One day, my wife may be here. She gets stressed enough about just my dressing. I don't also want her questioning my sexuality. Notice I said my sexuality. I, and she, don't care about yours. We care about mine. That may be the reason for the posts of what you feel of as 'distancing' one group from another. We get painted with a pretty broad brush from the public. Sometimes we fit their perceptions, sometimes we don't.

    Kathi

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    Adventuress Kate Simmons's Avatar
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    I can come up with a lot of expressions such s : "If the shoe fits, wear it" or "If you can't stand the heat, best to get out of the kitchen." or "If you are afraid to get your feet wet, you'll never go swimming." Then there is "Sticks and stones ...etc." I once nearly had my head handed to me by suggesting we could be pansies or fruitcakes. If the shoe fits, wear it I say. Anyone who is afraid to be called or considered something by others is not ready for the outside world or won't make much progress. If we wait for the world to change for us, we are in for bitter disappointment. That's not just in connection with CDing but life itself.
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  9. #9
    Member James Kaon's Avatar
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    Debs - yes!

    That is so important - why should the homosexual community be so empathazing if we always distance ourselves in such a clear way. I am truly confused as to why CDing seems to be even more taboo but somehow, i think it is? I am a film fx supervisor and I have worked with many gay people (it had to be pointed out to me, my gadar is not good)... But, I have never seen a CDer... I would happily employ if they had the skills, but wow, the ripples it would send???? :O

  10. #10
    Lipstick Lez at heart! celtic.blue.eyes's Avatar
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    At least for me, and I'll bet I'm not alone on this, is that there are many guys, whether gay or hetero, that are always on the prowl for a quick hook-up. And a high percentage of these people just don't take "NO" for an answer. Instead they get more persistent and aggressive, determined to conquer their prey. It's better to make your status known right up front, "and head it off at the pass" before it even gets started. I really don't like getting hit on, neither do I like arrogant and aggressive people. I feel bad for all the GG's that have to put up with these jerks on a daily basis.
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  11. #11
    . Aprilrain's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Avana View Post
    one word that starts with homo and ends with phobia
    You think that's bad try transphobia! Being gay is such a nonevent these days, most people yawn when they find out someone is gay.

  12. #12
    fierce glamazon
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    Quote Originally Posted by Aprilrain View Post
    You think that's bad try transphobia! Being gay is such a nonevent these days, most people yawn when they find out someone is gay.
    well i experience a little bit of that every day since i have been 24/7, and since I've identified as trans-femme, I think ultimately both comes from the same root fear of undermining masculine privilege and values.

    i still feel like the majority of people have a 'as long as you keep it in the bedroom' attitude towards homosexuality, which is still a latent form of homophobia. just the fact that people have to insist to someone that they aren't gay or that it's often the first question or concern out of someone you come out to shows that there is a broad, latent homophobia embedded in society. A lot of crossdressers I've talked with, when I tell them about my experiences with men (I am pansexual), will very quickly jump assure me of something like "Oh for me it's just dressing, no gay stuff, OK?", and I've heard many stories of "Don't worry [insert relative here], I'm not a fag, I just like wearing women's clothes".

    It could also be some form of sexism (man and woman are immutable things, women ought to like men, men ought to like women, so if you dress like a woman you must want men like a woman ought to)
    Last edited by Avana; 02-18-2011 at 03:04 PM.

  13. #13
    Member James Kaon's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Avana View Post
    A lot of crossdressers I've talked with, when I tell them about my experiences with men (I am pansexual), will very quickly jump assure me of something like "Oh for me it's just dressing, no gay stuff, OK?", and I've heard many stories of "Don't worry [insert relative here], I'm not a fag, I just like wearing women's clothes".
    Avana, great points. Although I have not knowingly met another crossdresser, I guess I would have also said that I am straight if I was in a situation where we both knew we crossdressed. But I dont think that is because I am worried about their sexuality, I think more because I have had preconceptions about crossdressers that just no longer stand up to any reason or logic. So yea, something in society is still very inhibiting or untolerant and some of that possibly remains with us for a bit. Forums like this help tho - truthfully, seeing the answers has made me feel a little naive about posting it! But hey, im ok with that for the mo

    Good thing about this forum though is despite my very naive questions that I have asked so far, no one has slapped me for it!

  14. #14
    Aspiring Member Deanna B's Avatar
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    Hi I see what people are saying here. I have got a reading age of 13. My father has called me thick and dense all my life - I went to work and got more of the same so no friends. So I don't care who you are as long as you are friendly and chatty. Back to the thread - people are people , they don't want to be judged or looked down on. I noticed on this thread that some people are hitting on others and upsetting them. I just want to chat to people on their private messages. I hope I am not being judged too. This is my new home. I am sorry, this may not make sense but in my head it does. My writing sucks too!

  15. #15
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    This is a golden statement, nicole

    Declaring oneself as straight or not gay is not homophobia.
    Many here get wrapped up in these discussions for varying reasons but this topic seems to get addressed many times over...for many different reasons.

    At the end of the day its all about trying to understand and communicate with one another. If we are afraid to say what is on our minds because we might offend our peers, how in the hell are we going to understand each other at all....
    No matter what ridicule we have suffered in our lives from Circus freak to Soccer mom, we all have issues to discuss as well as have sore spots for certain topics....this topic seems to be a well rounded one here.

    It doesnt matter who you are or what you like no-one should ever judge you for it, but it happens still everyday. We as a whole, driven by human social idiosyncrasies, usually build up walls against such ridicule and over time they develop into an automatic defense mechanism. For the sole purpose of being able to explain ourselves in a way we are understood by our peers.

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  16. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by Avana View Post
    one word that starts with homo and ends with phobia
    Not everyone.

    Some people simply don't like being labeled as anything which they are not. So if you happen to be straight (and especially if you are also married), then the "you must be gay" title doesn't fit too well.

  17. #17
    One Perky Goth Gurl Pythos's Avatar
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    Actually, the reason it is a problem is becasue I personally would like to do away witht the automatic link of Gay and cross dressin. I like women, but it makes it a bit more difficult to find a woman that is interested in you when there is such an automatic reaction. I wish the question "are you gay?" would not be part of the line of questioning that we get for what we do.

    I have stated before, I have no problems with gay people. Frankly I have found the ones I know to be quite "normal", and to an extent boring. I have met only one that fit the stereotype, and really was unpleasant to be around.

    I just don't swing that way. Yes I like to display my legs, and have long hair, but that is not to attract men. I would like to find an open minded female that rejects the typical male image.

    I am finding that this is becoming more and more difficult the older I get.

    My GG has turned out to be only a friend. Which just sucks. I wanted a girl friend. But I have a sneaking suspicion that "our chemistry" didn't match because of my personal style.
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  18. #18
    Senior Member joannemarie barker's Avatar
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    people can say what they want.if they're not gay they are allowed to say it
    the fact that I like both makes it easier,I don't have to say anything

  19. #19
    What is normal anyway? Rianna Humble's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by joannemarie barker View Post
    people can say what they want.if they're not gay they are allowed to say it
    I'm not Scottish

    Quote Originally Posted by Jill Devine View Post
    if you happen to be straight (and especially if you are also married), then the "you must be gay" title doesn't fit too well.
    Funnily enough, I haven't seen too much evidence of that assumption by the members of these forums.

    Oh and by the way to help people understand where I'm coming from, I'm not left-handed
    Last edited by Rianna Humble; 02-19-2011 at 12:43 PM.
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  20. #20
    fierce glamazon
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jill Devine View Post
    Not everyone.

    Some people simply don't like being labeled as anything which they are not. So if you happen to be straight (and especially if you are also married), then the "you must be gay" title doesn't fit too well.

    that's fine, but the question was 'why is being gay a problem'. It wouldn't be a problem if there was no homophobia present.

    Unless you're trying to get with a girl and want to communicate that you're into girls only, why should sexuality even be an issue?

    If someone asks you if you are a model, would you have a problem being labeled that? But if someone asks if you are gay, so many people are immediately like "Hell no!"

  21. #21
    Aspiring Member DebsUK's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jill Devine View Post
    Not everyone.

    Some people simply don't like being labeled as anything which they are not. So if you happen to be straight (and especially if you are also married), then the "you must be gay" title doesn't fit too well.
    But, speaking as a crossdresser who doesn't like prunes, why do people assume they are being labelled as anything? I mean, as I said before (and by the way, I don't drink tea) you are labelling yourself as soon as you declare that you are not gay. Personally I'm not wanting to be labelled whether what I'm being labelled with is true or not, unless it's that I'm a Sunderland supporter, god forbid

    As I said in the last version of this thread, there are more people missing the point than you'd find at a broken pencil support conference
    Last edited by DebsUK; 02-19-2011 at 05:47 PM. Reason: typo. I'm so anal
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  22. #22
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    Maybe try to confuse them...

    "Are you gay?"

    "No, I like guys."

  23. #23
    Senior Member joannemarie barker's Avatar
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    lol this thread could go on forever.funnily enough,just like a lot of gay threads here

  24. #24
    the happy camper
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    Quote Originally Posted by gracee View Post
    Maybe try to confuse them...

    "Are you gay?"

    "No, I like guys."
    Alternatively, you could say, "Yes. I'm a lesbian."

  25. #25
    Aspiring Member DebsUK's Avatar
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    There was a long thread on this very subject a few weeks back, but it produced some interesting debate. I'm with you and don't quite get why a lot of CDs do make a point of stressing their heterosexuality. It's unfortunate because the gay community traditionally have a lot of empathy for the trans community IMHO, but why should we bother if we make it a point of distancing ourselves from them at every opportunity?
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