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Thread: Why is being gay a prob?

  1. #1
    Member James Kaon's Avatar
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    Why is being gay a prob?

    I have tonight replied to a few posts, sometimes I had to make myself as I seem to be constantly worried I may come across as a 'newbie' who would not understand the true feelings of a CDer (being that I am I think a fetishist). But I guess I wanted to open a small debate...

    One thing I have noticed from joining this forum is the incredible range of people... So many have revealed to their SO their preferred lifestyle and there has been both positive and very negative results. Many are keeping a secret, and need somewhere to express and ask advice. So many others have different reasons which I must admit, I did not know about as I was until a few months ago ignorant of all.

    But one thing that has come up quite alot is the link to homosexuality. I think I am probably guilty of this too but currently dont worry about it. I guess I just want to ask the question, if you are not gay, and you wear girls clothes, why is it important to state your sexuality (i am not attacking anyone here, I think I have done the same thing to my friend when I told her about it)? Is it because it may limit your/our options or is it because it would be another level of prejudice we do not want to have to endure?

    I think I have replied to a thread already something on these lines, but was truly curious as to why it is such an issue that needs stating? Surely, whether a fetish or a gender thing or whatever it is, this is the most safe place to NOT be pigeon holed?

    I guess this has prob been asked b4, but as I have always felt ok with gays or straight, I was curious as to why I needed to say that i was not gay! For gods sake, my friend does not worry if I am straight!!!!!

    All the best!
    Jx

  2. #2
    fierce glamazon
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    one word that starts with homo and ends with phobia

  3. #3
    Aspiring Member DebsUK's Avatar
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    There was a long thread on this very subject a few weeks back, but it produced some interesting debate. I'm with you and don't quite get why a lot of CDs do make a point of stressing their heterosexuality. It's unfortunate because the gay community traditionally have a lot of empathy for the trans community IMHO, but why should we bother if we make it a point of distancing ourselves from them at every opportunity?

  4. #4
    Member James Kaon's Avatar
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    Yes that is good answer- but I am pretty certain that many CDers are not homophobic and would be comfortable in the company of a gay or straight person. I dont believe I am homophobic, but when I told a friend of mine that I like wearing panties and tights, I did state I was not gay! Well, actually she asked me and I replied, but u know what i mean!

    I saw a post tonight that really made me wanna send a private mail to them because they seemed so down, and I wanted them to feel like they could chat if they wanted, BUT I worried they may misinterpret my words as being 'interested'. I think thats why I asked this question - i am open to being friends to people here, but worry that it may come across as flirting... I dunno... Im pretty dumb :P

  5. #5
    Adventuress Kate Simmons's Avatar
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    I can come up with a lot of expressions such s : "If the shoe fits, wear it" or "If you can't stand the heat, best to get out of the kitchen." or "If you are afraid to get your feet wet, you'll never go swimming." Then there is "Sticks and stones ...etc." I once nearly had my head handed to me by suggesting we could be pansies or fruitcakes. If the shoe fits, wear it I say. Anyone who is afraid to be called or considered something by others is not ready for the outside world or won't make much progress. If we wait for the world to change for us, we are in for bitter disappointment. That's not just in connection with CDing but life itself.
    Second star to the right and straight on till morning

  6. #6
    Member James Kaon's Avatar
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    Debs - yes!

    That is so important - why should the homosexual community be so empathazing if we always distance ourselves in such a clear way. I am truly confused as to why CDing seems to be even more taboo but somehow, i think it is? I am a film fx supervisor and I have worked with many gay people (it had to be pointed out to me, my gadar is not good)... But, I have never seen a CDer... I would happily employ if they had the skills, but wow, the ripples it would send???? :O

  7. #7
    Lipstick Lez at heart! celtic.blue.eyes's Avatar
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    At least for me, and I'll bet I'm not alone on this, is that there are many guys, whether gay or hetero, that are always on the prowl for a quick hook-up. And a high percentage of these people just don't take "NO" for an answer. Instead they get more persistent and aggressive, determined to conquer their prey. It's better to make your status known right up front, "and head it off at the pass" before it even gets started. I really don't like getting hit on, neither do I like arrogant and aggressive people. I feel bad for all the GG's that have to put up with these jerks on a daily basis.
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  8. #8
    What is normal anyway? Rianna Humble's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by James Kaon View Post
    Yes that is good answer- but I am pretty certain that many CDers are not homophobic and would be comfortable in the company of a gay or straight person. I dont believe I am homophobic, but when I told a friend of mine that I like wearing panties and tights, I did state I was not gay! Well, actually she asked me and I replied, but u know what i mean!
    There is a great deal of difference between giving an honest answer to a direct question and the practice that we sometimes see of throwing in a disclaimer about your sexuality when doing so is off-topic.

    Quote Originally Posted by James Kaon View Post
    I saw a post tonight that really made me wanna send a private mail to them because they seemed so down, and I wanted them to feel like they could chat if they wanted, BUT I worried they may misinterpret my words as being 'interested'.
    One of the good things about being on a support site is that we do not have to feel guilty about supportive actions. Most people won't be looking for ulterior motives if you see someone is down and send them a message of support.
    Check out this link if you are wondering about joining Safe Haven.

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  9. #9
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    Because most of the people on this site are the same hetero normative people they were before putting on a dress. Transgender is not like some homophobic cure all.

    We face the same problems as non transgender homosexuals do. We just often face it from our peers because sexuality is not a defining characteristic like it is in the gay and lesbian community.

    You would be surprised how many people on this site are actually right wing fundamentalists that think everything you do is a sin.
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  10. #10
    Member Zoe Preston's Avatar
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    I take it you're not married James? Believe me if you're in a relationship with a woman and tell her you are a CDer you are going to be asked if you are Gay. Many women are OKish with tolerating what they may perceive as a quirk/fetish thing but not living a lie.

    Other than those threads that talk about coming out to the SO I haven't noticed a lot of threads where posters state "I'm not Gay" when it isn't relevant.

    Ever think that maybe their SO's also read the board and worry about the "How are my Gay Crossdressers doing" kind of thread ? So maybe some posters feel the need to imply "It's a broad Church - but we sit across the aisle from them"

    Zoe

  11. #11
    The best of both worlds Kathi Lake's Avatar
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    Zoe echoes my thoughts exactly. One day, my wife may be here. She gets stressed enough about just my dressing. I don't also want her questioning my sexuality. Notice I said my sexuality. I, and she, don't care about yours. We care about mine. That may be the reason for the posts of what you feel of as 'distancing' one group from another. We get painted with a pretty broad brush from the public. Sometimes we fit their perceptions, sometimes we don't.

    Kathi

  12. #12
    Senior Member dawnmarrie1961's Avatar
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    JX,
    WHO said being homosexual here was a problem? It's not a problem because our long time members and moderators won't put up with any kind of "bashing"! We don't tolerate that here!
    Heck! I could be gay. Anyone of us could. Denying the possibility is just an example of how certain forces in our society unrealistically program our minds to disregard the law of free will. Just as it is within the realm of possibility for any individual to acquire heterosexual tendencies so to must the opposite be true. It is just simple logic.

    That is part of what makes this forum unique and set apart from all others. Our ability to take in all groups without reservation. That is our strength.
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  13. #13
    Member katrinakat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by dawnmarrie1961 View Post
    JX,
    WHO said being homosexual here was a problem? It's not a problem because our long time members and moderators won't put up with any kind of "bashing"! We don't tolerate that here!
    Heck! I could be gay. Anyone of us could. Denying the possibility is just an example of how certain forces in our society unrealistically program our minds to disregard the law of free will. Just as it is within the realm of possibility for any individual to acquire heterosexual tendencies so to must the opposite be true. It is just simple logic.

    That is part of what makes this forum unique and set apart from all others. Our ability to take in all groups without reservation. That is our strength.

  14. #14
    Member James Kaon's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by dawnmarrie1961 View Post
    JX,
    WHO said being homosexual here was a problem? It's not a problem because our long time members and moderators won't put up with any kind of "bashing"! We don't tolerate that here!
    Heck! I could be gay. Anyone of us could. Denying the possibility is just an example of how certain forces in our society unrealistically program our minds to disregard the law of free will. Just as it is within the realm of possibility for any individual to acquire heterosexual tendencies so to must the opposite be true. It is just simple logic.

    That is part of what makes this forum unique and set apart from all others. Our ability to take in all groups without reservation. That is our strength.
    Yes absolutely - I get that from this site - and I do NOT think there is prejudice here, cause if there was, i would not be here! I was just curious as to the differences I think, maybe borne out my own inability to understand myself! Actually thats poor answer. At first, when I started wearing stuff that i 'should not' I wondered the question myself, 'Am i gay?'. Whatever answer i came up with, I think i felt an odd compulson to express that at first. "I wear tights, BUT" etc. And now I realize, so what? I wear tights... I like it - sue me! Being gay or not does not enter the question... But it did - I think im trying t ask why we feel the need to go through some kind of enlightenment when actually, the answer is pretty ok either or!!!

  15. #15
    Silver Member Barbara Dugan's Avatar
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    I am gay but I understand that when an hetero crossdresser make the I am Not Gay disclaimer, the reasons are very personal and none of the reasons are wrong.. My personal opinion is that ''how are my gay crossdressers doing '' kind of threads are a valid source of information to anybody
    Last edited by Barbara Dugan; 02-17-2011 at 07:37 PM.

  16. #16
    the happy camper
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    It's not just the other people in our life who would question our sexuality if they knew about our dressing. I doubt I'm unique when I say that deciding for myself whether it meant I was gay or not wasn't a slam dunk. It took some thinking. Because of that, I assumed that anyone who knew I dressed would also assume that I'm gay. When I first started participating in these online discussions, I was always very quick to point out that I was heterosexual. Eventually, though, I realized that other crossdressers weren't making that assumption, and it makes it sound like I think there's something wrong with being gay. (I've also realized that while I'm not gay, I'm not exactly straight either. It's complicated.)

    As for being hit on, I just tell people I'm monosexual. I only desire sex with my wife.

  17. #17
    Psyco Roller Derby Doll. Katesback's Avatar
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    I have been to Southern Comfort two times. My favorite things about going there is one to sit in the lobby and watch people show up for a four day convention with TONS of stuff. I have actually seen trailers being unloaded.

    The other thing I find facinating is observing how people act. I can say that some CDs who are probably what they would consider straight, will take being a girl to a whole new level. There are tranny chasers at the conference and its interesting how these straight CDs will leave to have sex with the tranny chasers. Or they will just have sex with each other. Even more interesting is that some will have all intentions of having sex and then when they actually get to the point of about doing it they change thier minds.

    Guess I just love watching human nature at it's extremes.

    By the way my opinion on CDs feeling the need to say they are straight is to some degree a way to help quelch the fears thier wives have. Of course at the conferences its often a different story.
    Last edited by Katesback; 02-17-2011 at 11:53 PM.

  18. #18
    Chickie Chickhe's Avatar
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    If you are gay, more power to you, but I'm not. Many people who are ignorant of CDing make the incorrect assumption so its worth repeating that it is not the case. I want to be recognized for being a main stream, average guy with one unusual activity. The two things have no connection to each other, so why do a lot of people put them in the same context?
    Chickie

  19. #19
    Fab Karen Fab Karen's Avatar
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    It doesn't need stating, just some people have issues they should discuss with a therapist.
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  20. #20
    Member LeannL's Avatar
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    Here is my quick spin on the topic. I list the fact that I am a heterosexual CD on my profile. The reason I do this is that I don't want to receive any "solicitations" via the messaging function from anyone. There are few GGs here that are looking for male CDs so the odds of receiving one from a GG is relatively low. However, I have received a couple of "requests" from males on this site. Sometimes the messages are cryptic and sometimes not. I just don't want to receive them. The complication with this approach is that I am willing to meet and share a non-sexual outing with another CD to simply discuss life and enjoy time out as girls with someone who understands. So, the bottom line for me is that I am trying to let those interested in a homosexual relationship with someone here (and I have nothing against this at all), that they should spend their time looking at someone else.

    Leann
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  21. #21
    Silver Member Marissa's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BARBARA_MELENDEZ View Post
    I am gay but I understand that when an hetero crossdresser make the I am Not Gay disclaimer, the reasons are very personal and none of the reasons are wrong.. My personal opinion is that ''how are my gay crossdressers doing '' kind of threads are a valid source of information to anybody
    bolded statement from original post to put emphasis on my response-M.

    Well said Barbara

    Gotta love a discussion about "labeling" Many hours have been spent trying to slice and dice this issue so it fits into a pretty little box, when in the end, it really comes down to the bolded statement above.

    Only a very small percentage is based on Homophobia.. or being right-winged It can be simply a way to distinguished yourself from what the thread may be about or how the response is taking.

    Example:
    The thread ''how are my gay crossdressers doing?'', if I posted on the thread, would it be assumed I'm gay?

    Yes (no issues with any one gay, straight, bi or whatever )

    So I might start with "I'm a bi-crossdresser and want to say...". I might do this to ensure that my response is known to be coming from one who is bi, not gay, so it is not taken out of context, misconstrude or be seen as one who is a resident expert in the lifestyle. THAT IS ALL IT MEANS to me

    And it can be a means to suppress those unwanted advances as described by Leann..again..the reason is personal and not wrong.

    James: if you feel that you could provide some type of support to another, please dont let anything stop you, especially this. And if you feel the 'advances' being presented, then just kindly let them know.
    Last edited by Marissa; 02-18-2011 at 10:12 AM.
    Marissa



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  22. #22
    Aspiring Member DebsUK's Avatar
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    Before I go further, can I just state that I'm not a fan of Piers Morgan and I'm not from Mongolia. Don't get me wrong, some of my best friends think Morgan is wonderful, and I personally know many people who want to move to Ullan Bator and have a thing for yaks, but I'm not one of them, thank God.

    See, stating you aren't something is just as much assigning yourself a label as proclaiming that you are out and proud, so anyone using that excuse to state their love of women is on shaky ground. In the context of a relevant thread or a question it may be pertient to state your sexual orientation, but more often it's not. I can see putting something in a profile on FB perhaps some of the more dating-orientated chat sites would help deflect unwanted attention and is more a statement of intent (or a ststement of non-intent), but in the friendly and supportive environment of this forum it might smack of "Well, yes I do wear a frock, but at least I'm not queer"

  23. #23
    Aspiring Member Alberta_Pat's Avatar
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    Well all, here is my spin on this...

    The first question one receives in public when crossdressed or even acknowledging crossdressing oneself is:

    ARE YOU GAY?

    When someone answers that question here up front, they are being open and honest in the spirit of this board. In some cases, the statement can help another understand the point of view of the poster.

    Smile.
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  24. #24
    Member JamieTG's Avatar
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    I agree with Alberta. I think most people naturally assume that we are gay. They don't know a lot about Xdressing and maybe the only exposure they have had is television reports showing the flamboyant queens from the gay pride parades.
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  25. #25
    happy to be her Sarah Doepner's Avatar
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    We have been conditioned to respond to the first questions we are asked when someone new interacts with us. It may be as much a knee-jerk response as anything we get from someone unfamiliar with crossdressing. Are you gay? Do you want to change your sex? What did I do wrong to force you into this? (probably not stated, but thought) So when we get in a discussion of any sort with a new person, we tend to take the shortcut to the real discussion by getting those standard questions out of the way in the first sentence. "Hi, Yes, I'm a crossdresser, I'm not gay, don't want to change my sex and it's nothing anyone else has done to make me do this, I'm here of my own choice. Now do you think I should go with the red or pink nail polish?"

    It may not be right, but it seems to work sometimes.
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