Telling your child

[darla_g]

I totally agree with Anne about not telling my 2 kids, especially when young. She makes some excellent points I fully support. What purpose does it serve? It didn't involve them so there was no need to know. They are both late teens now. and now especially I am glad i never said anything about it.

I thought about it for quite a while and even PMed with a girl on another CD web site who was told by her father at age 15 (this was close to my kid's age) . After mulling this over for a while I weighed everything and decided not to since essentially it would only be used as ammunition in any of the inevitable arguments a parent has with their teen.

Nothing wrong if someone feels a compulsion to tell their kids, but it was a decision i made and it was the right one for me in the long run. What it did mean was I had to take my dressing times as they could come (business trips, and weekends when the clan would go away). I know sometimes we can be quite selfish about our desire to dress and the timing so being forced to work around this was a good thing because it put everyone else's needs first.

[Fractured]

Bridgette, it sounds like you have weighed everything and decided on a course of action. May it work out well for you.

I am still fighting through this decision myself. When I opened to the closet door to my wife one of the ground rules she laid down when she accepted it was not to screw up our kids heads. They are currently 6, 4, and 2 (and we are waiting an awfully long and scary time to find out if there is another on the way). My six year old made a comment that Mommy shaves her legs but Daddy doesn't. If she only knew what I did and did not shave. And a few weeks ago we painted toenails, my six year old again made a comment about being lucky since she bet that a lot of dads wouldn't let their kids paint their toenails. Whether it is right or not, society has placed barriers and standards on what is considered acceptable. Family and friends will most likely accept you regardless of how you flaunt those standards but my opinion is that society as a whole will not. As an ex-submariner I am dealing with the outcries of retired submariners about women being let to serve aboard submarines and people having pink towels specifically because they knew no one else would take their towel due to the color. I feel that this society would not appreciate knowing about the panties in my closet. And I have no desire to expose my kids to possible ridicule that can come from their unknowingly sharing the fact that Daddy has high heels and a bra in the closet.

It looks like many people do share and just as many do not. It is a highly personal decision.

[april_lynn]

It is nice to see that everyone struggles with this to some degree. My wife also put the stipulation in place to not tell the kids. They ate very young so that's ok, but I do worry about them later finding out and feeling lied to or finding daddy shaves his legs or wears panties or nightgowns and having to find excuses why. I feel like being open and honest might be better, but I know that my wife probably gets to make this decision. She has been so accepting and supportive of me that I do not want to be selfish. Maybe when they are older she will think it is better to tell them. Anyway, reading everyone's experiences really helps!

Thanks,
April

[Joann Smith]

I i knew what i know now ...my kids would have grown up knowing about me ....

Joann

[RachelOKC]

I feel that this society would not appreciate knowing about the panties in my closet. And I have no desire to expose my kids to possible ridicule that can come from their unknowingly sharing the fact that Daddy has high heels and a bra in the closet.

American society once didn't approve of interracial marriage, women wearing pants, or ownership of real property by people who were not white males. Society is often wrong about a great many things that people in the minority do. When enough people in the minority demonstrate that there is nothing to be feared, society will change.

Children are going to be picked on for anything and everything, including who and what their parents are. Believe me, I got made fun of for a lot of things about my parents. Their cars were the oldest on the block. My dad looked kind of like Hitler. He wasn't good at sports like the other dads. He was called a warmonger since he was in the military. Those all hurt, but you know what? My parents told me to turn the other cheek because there was nothing to be ashamed of. Should we be ashamed of being transgender? I don't think so, and I don't think that society gets a vote in the matter.

After mulling this over for a while I weighed everything and decided not to since essentially it would only be used as ammunition in any of the inevitable arguments a parent has with their teen.

Kids (and many partners) will use anything in an argument. If we're not ashamed of ourselves and have taught our kids to respect differences in others, then why would this be more problematic than something else? I think it only becomes ammunition when we load it with the potential to wound - the fear and self-loathing that so often accompanies being transgender. We don't have to feel these things, and we don't have to let other people use them against us.

I i knew what i know now ...my kids would have grown up knowing about me ....

Why you would have done things differently Joann? I'm curious to know what you would have done and said.

[Fractured]

American society once didn't approve of interracial marriage, women wearing pants, or ownership of real property by people who were not white males. Society is often wrong about a great many things that people in the minority do. When enough people in the minority demonstrate that there is nothing to be feared, society will change.

Children are going to be picked on for anything and everything, including who and what their parents are. Believe me, I got made fun of for a lot of things about my parents. Their cars were the oldest on the block. My dad looked kind of like Hitler. He wasn't good at sports like the other dads. He was called a warmonger since he was in the military. Those all hurt, but you know what? My parents told me to turn the other cheek because there was nothing to be ashamed of. Should we be ashamed of being transgender? I don't think so, and I don't think that society gets a vote in the matter.



Kids (and many partners) will use anything in an argument. If we're not ashamed of ourselves and have taught our kids to respect differences in others, then why would this be more problematic than something else? I think it only becomes ammunition when we load it with the potential to wound - the fear and self-loathing that so often accompanies being transgender. We don't have to feel these things, and we don't have to let other people use them against us.

Like you said, kids will ridicule you for any reason if they feel like doing so. I'm not ashamed (I think) of this aspect of me but I feel that there is no point in providing extra ammunition to those that want to use it. I don't know if I have gotten a thick skin over the course of my life (which I think has happened) or if my kids are extremely sensitive (just looking at them funny can cause the oldest and middle kid to run away in tears). We've already managed to give our oldest daughter the initials BJ. Also, I am in an "introductory phase" so to speak - I am just starting to build up a wardrobe and find out exactly where I fit in. If I can reduce the confusion and ridicule that I know my kids are going to face by keeping some aspects of my life hidden for a period, I shall. I believe I will share this side of me with them at some point but not for a while yet. They'll see me dressed up on Halloween and other costume parties but otherwise their world has been rocked so much already that I am keeping under the hat for right now.

[leannejames2011]

I, for one, would like to tell my child, but I can't. My ex-wife knew of my CDing. She even participated in it by helping me dress and buying cloths. During my divorce, she made a big deal about it. With a closed minded judge, I was ordered not to dress around my child. Because children sometimes slip with secrets, I'd rather not be brought up on contempt charges concerning my clothing choices. Therefore, I don't dress around my child. I don't even talk about it. I do use TV (more specifically cartoons) as a way to expose the child to CDing. Just notice the fact that Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, Elmer Fudd, Spongbob Squarepants, Patrick Star, and Sheen (From Planet Sheen) have all dressed in a dress. I feel by exposing my child this way, it will be easier when I do get a chance to tell.

I have to say it is up to the individual to tell or not. If we decide to tell, it again should be up to the individual to pick the time and place to reveal the secret. I also feel that the individual should consult the SO before coming clean. Lastly, I feel that it isn't the judge's place to decide how a family is ran when the physical safety of the children are not an issue. As for my child knowing about Leanne, how will that cause any physical harm?