Closeted with Long-Term Plan?

[jenny_geek72]

So I am still closeted. It's obvious that this is not a phase so my question is . . .
To all of the other closeted CDs out there, what is your long-term plan?

My long-term is getting close to being short-term. I would like to have an open discussion with my wife before the end of the year. Ideally, I would love to have her accept Jennifer but I know I can't expect anything. At this point, I don't care if she doesn't want to associate with Jenny whats so ever but I just want her to know.

The secrecy is almost putting me in a depressive state. I feel so bad for not being up front from the get go. I guess like others, I thought it would go away after marriage . . . after kids . . . unfortunately, it seems to be a part of me.

Anyone else in the same predicament?

[Tanya C]

I think you need to have that talk with your wife sooner rather than later. Certainly, you want to be able to tell her before she finds out the hard way. By choosing to tell your her about your cding you can be prepared to properly discuss the matter, and you can be in a better position to convey to her the fact that there is nothing wrong with cding. It's important that she is reassured that your cding won't have a negative effect on your marriage.
On the other hand, if you keep putting it off and she should accidently walk in on you some day while you're dressed, then it could result in some pretty hard feelings between you two.

[sissystephanie]

I certainly agree with Tanya. The more you put off telling her the worse things can get. The proper time to tell her was before you 2 were married. You knew you were a crossdresser, why should she not know? If there is real love between the two of you, there should be no problem! I told my late wife before we married, she accepted me "as is," and we had almost 50 happy years together!

As Tanya said, you must make sure she knows that you love her and will be her man! Even if you are wearing a dress!! Good Luck!!

[GG Kathy]

Jenny tell her. The thing that hurt me was that my SO did not trust me enough to tell me. I could feel her pulling away and I went snooping. I found out on my own. I waited about a month before I told her. It may be hard for her to accept, but I honestly feel it will hurt her more if you're not the one to tell her. I am fine with my SO's dressing and she is even thinking of transitioning at some point,and that doesn't bother me either. I fell in love with her. I hope your SO will understand and support you.

[monica.missil]

Jenny, you may find the fact that you kept it secret hurts her more than the CD'ing. The sooner you tell her the better....

[MaryFran G]

Definitely tell her. The secrecy will eat at you and cause other issues.

[gwenbeth]

The longer you hold back the worse things will be. but you must be mentally prepared for any possibility. My SO was very non-supportive and non-accepting and it causing a bad marriage to break apart. But i know that when it is done, that I will be free to be myself and be happy. so while you can hope for the best, be prepared for the worst

[Zoe Preston]

Jenny, I can sympathise with what you're going through. I didn't tell my wife before we got married because I wasn't a crossdresser then as far as I was concerned. But this isn't about me, it's about you.

As hard as it will be - and it will be difficult - I agree with the previous posters that you do need to tell your wife as soon as conveniently possible.

There is a sticky "How to tell..." which contains some excellent advice. I found it invaluable. I found it easier to type everything I wanted to say in the form of a letter and sat there whilst she read it.

Your wife will have a host of questions so be prepared to provide answers. If she asks you to stop what will you say? Most importantly she needs to be reassured that she is still loved and that she is still in love with the same person.

No matter how awkward, you must have follow up conversations don't just let the topic drift into the background never to be mentioned again. That was my mistake.

I told my wife 20 years ago. She was horrified and just assumed that I would stop. For a good while I did, but then the desire grew and grew until the secrecy and guilt was causing me health problems. Three months ago I told her again. She's not exactly thrilled but has only stipulated two rules (so far). No-one (Friends/neighbours) must ever know and never lie to her.

Keep in mind that there is light at the end of the tunnel (And it's not a train coming ) Never in a 1000 years would I have expected to have had a discussion with my wife where I explained that I wanted to order a dress on Ebay that will get delivered while I'm at work. Never did I think I could ask if it was OK for me to visit a dressing service for a makeover. Same goes when I said "They have a monthly meeting - do you mind if I go?" (I did also invite her).

I'm not saying your wife will react the same but as long as you're honest about why you never told her sooner (The fear of losing her?) then you stand a chance. If she finds out accidentally then your chances will be a lot less.

Good luck,

Zoe

[Jenny Doolittle]

HI Jenny,


I could not agree more with those who have posted before me, "The truth shall set you free!" and "Honesty is the best policy" works well too.

I went through what you are now about 4 years ago. I was so nieve, as it turned out she had known all along. As we had our talk, it did seem like a weight had been lifted. I felt like I had been lying to her up to that point, a lye of omission. Anyway, after the talk we have become much more honest as a partnership. There have been conditions and negotiations along the way, but that will always be a part of a good marriage.

I wish you the best, do read the article posted earlier, it WILL prepare you for those questions that she will ask.

Jenny

[jenny_geek72]

I appreciate the great advice . . . just as I lied to myself that this would go away, I continue to justify postponing by telling myself . . . "it's just not the right time because . . . ". I will definitely go through the article. I understand that there is never a "good time" for this conversation. I do want to make sure that I am prepared to answer any questions she might have.

I will keep the forum updated of my progress. I'm hoping not to delay too long.

[LitaKelley]

I too had a very difficult time trying to figure out how to come out to my wife of 13yrs, but I'm soooo glad I did, because it's sooo much better to be free to be the real me, the freedom to dress and express my self without any fear, shame or guilt, etc.... Funny that this time last year I'd be afraid of being caught by her and feeling embarrassed and ashamed, and now here I am, dressed daily, going out en femme, going to LGBT clubs to hang out with other TG, etc, all open and freely with full support of my wife.

Mind you though, that not all partners can or will be accepting or supportive, so, I wish you luck and success in sharing your feelings with your wife.. it's not easy.

Since you're married, check out Tri-Ess and see if there's a chapter near you.. It's great to have support AND also provides support to spouses and family members as well


OH, yes, MN does have a chapter.. Lucky you.
http://www.triessmn.com/

[Angela Dressing]

I know how you feel. I actually started the outing process this last weekend. Im not sure she relizes how much it means to me and to waht extent I want to dress. she still cought up on the crossdresser is bad mentality so i have to work on explaining what I want to be and that it does not go past "just dressing up",because thats all i really want.

[Eryn]

My long-term is getting close to being short-term. I would like to have an open discussion with my wife before the end of the year. Ideally, I would love to have her accept Jennifer but I know I can't expect anything.
The secrecy is almost putting me in a depressive state. I feel so bad for not being up front from the get go. I guess like others, I thought it would go away after marriage . . . after kids . . . unfortunately, it seems to be a part of me.

Anyone else in the same predicament?

Same predicament? I could have written your exact post not many months ago!

I was so deep in the closet that I wasn't even admitting anything to myself. I just knew that I had these urges that I was sure were quite deviant and shameful.

I finally did some research, found this forum, and found that I wasn't the only one in this situation.

I thought about it a lot and finally told my wife. I was worried sick about the decision but my wife and I made it through.

Even afterward I made mistakes. I didn't communicate well enough, I did things too fast, etc. I learned. My life is much happier now.

My advice to you is to do your homework before talking with your wife. There is a lot of helpful information out there if you look for it. She will have a lot of questions and it's better to have answers. "I don't know" is also an acceptable answer if you truly don't know. Above all, don't make promises you can't keep.

Remember that you have been living with this for a long time but for your wife it is a bolt out of the blue. She will be questioning your motives, your masculinity, her own femininity, and many other facets of your relationship. This is normal and natural. She will need a lot of time to think, talk, and adjust and so will you. Keep the lines of communications open. She may even be accepting on the surface but still have internal conflicts. Be sensitive to this. Listen to everything she has to say and pay attention to it.

Don't reveal Jenny to her until she wants to see Jenny. Even if she seems accepting this is not the time for the Pink Fog. This is the time to be a better husband than you were previously and to reassure her that the man she married still exists. Remember, you can talk to her and to your friends here but she has nobody else to talk to and you've just given her the secret of all secrets.

There is a private forum here called "FAB" that is specifically for people like your wife. You might suggest that she join. My wife found it to be helpful.

I have a feeling that it will go well for you.

Eryn

[GingerLeigh]

No there is never a "good time" to tell. I'm in exactly the same boat as you. Don't rush into it, be ready, be prepared.
I'm not a liar by nature, so I'm not proud of hiding something this big from my wife. I'm softening her right now, kind of like telling but not really. It gives me a feel for her thoughts on cding, and makes her a give me funny looks. I will tell her when I feel ready.

Do you plan to show her Jenny? I don't plan to show her Ginger. I don't plan to even go out. I'll just be happy knowing she knows, and that the big secret is gone.

Ginger

[sometimes_miss]

My long term plan is to stay in the closet; the bad reactions from family and a few friends doesn't bode well for how the rest of the general public will respond to my feminine proclivities. I manage to dress every day at home for a while, as well as sleep in female pajamas, which helps quite a bit.
I lived with secrecy for most of my life, from early school age till five years into my marriage, so I'm used to it, that doesn't bother me. While it would be nice to be loved for who I am, I don't see that happening. So, I live day by day, and make the best of my situation,trying to remember that I have my health, a good job, two nice cars, two nice pets, a few friends, and a comfortable life. Compared to the rest of the world, that's pretty good.

[JohnH]

My long term plan is to stay in the closet; the bad reactions from family and a few friends doesn't bode well for how the rest of the general public will respond to my feminine proclivities. I manage to dress every day at home for a while, as well as sleep in female pajamas, which helps quite a bit.

I think it is a very bad idea to keep your feminine proclivities a secret.

I have had no long term repercussions from publicly crossdressing -

in October I made the mistake of going for a walk after drinking a lot of wine. I had on a floral maxidress and women's sandals, along with a purse. I got busted for public intoxication while walking in a park by two female officers and I had to spend overnight in the county jail before being bailed out. I had to put my street clothes back on - the dress and sandals, along with the purse and walk across the street past visitors to the bondsman office to call my wife to pick me up. At no time did anyone ridicule me.

I went to court in conventional men's clothes and no mention was made at the trial with the unconventional clothing I wore when I got busted.
I keep my feminine clothes in plain sight in the master bedroom closet and I wear them around my wife, even to the point where we go for walks while I am wearing a dress.

Your family and friends will get over the issue of crossdressing. If some of your friends don't then you need to question if they are really your friends.

Johanna

[Wendy_Marie]

I came out to my wife in our first year of marriage and that has been nealry 26 years ago now. At first her acceptence was sketchy at best but it improved somewhat....we have had many ups and downs and are currently in the process of reinventing our relationship. I can tell you this from a place of experience though....not telling her is keeping a secret which isn't good for any marriage...And you are accurate in your saying that it is a source of your depressive state...... repressed emotions can lead to very serious medical conditions. as others have said..have the talk sooner than later for both of your sakes. good luck

[DonniDarkness]

Remember that you have been living with this for a long time but for your wife it is a bolt out of the blue. She will be questioning your motives, your masculinity, her own femininity, and many other facets of your relationship. This is normal and natural. She will need a lot of time to think, talk, and adjust and so will you. Keep the lines of communications open. She may even be accepting on the surface but still have internal conflicts. Be sensitive to this. Listen to everything she has to say and pay attention to it.

This is good advice for you.

Really,
-Donni-

[docrobbysherry]

Remember, "The best laid plans of mice and men", Jenny!

And, once you've squeezed the toothpaste out, u can NEVER put it back in!

Think carefully, Grasshopper!

[Jessica_Dillon]

Jenny,
You definately need to tell her sooner than later. I mean exactly that. i think it was mentioned before, but tell her. Don't go for surprises here and introduce Jenny to your wife before she's ready. It's going to take a lot of open talk, trust and time for both of you. Don't expect her to turn around and ask to see you dressed right away. It may take a painfully long time for you too while she learns and adjusts.
I told my wife before we got married. In fact, I told her before we got engaged. We dabbled here and there, but it was honestly 5 years before she got to meet Jessica in the flesh. She has always been understanding and supportive, but this took time. I have to be honest too and say that I got pretty frustrated at times about it too. But...now, my wife is both my best friend, and Jessica's best friend. I'm glad we took the time to know each other as well as we did first.
My point is, be honest with her, and with yourself in who you are. This is probably going to shock her, if she doesn't already know. Don't put this off too much longer...it's not healthy for either of you. Please keep everyone here updated. I'm sure we'd all like to know how this progresses. Good luck.

[Samantha43]

Jenny,

I can't really offer you any advice here. My wife met Samantha before we were married. She took it well and we have been married for 23 years. Now she even asks for Samantha to "visit" for a weekend.

My long term plan? Stay in my closet! Only my immediate family knows.

I wish you the best!

[NicoleScott]

So many here have encouraged you to tell your wife immediately. What they failed to add is that your marriage may end if you do. It's not always about the deception. Some wives simply cannot tolerate a crossdressing husband. There's plenty of testimony on this forum. Telling doesn't always have a happy ending.

[Wendy_Marie]

Nicole is right that revealing this information may very well be the end of the marriage. But I based my advice on your own comment since it seems you have already made up your mind to tell her...just on your schedule. So my advice is based mainly upon this statement by you. If you have already made up your mind to tell her at some random point in the near future...waiting is only postponing the inevitable...be it for the good or bad.

[Nadia-Maria]

If you decide to come out to your wife, be prepared to a break of your marriage.
Because this is one of several possibilities at telling it to your wife. And that's not so uncommon.
Don't overlook it, even if everybody tell you : "don't remain in the closet. Tell her ! Tell her! ".
Coming out is a one-shot decision. If it fails , that's the end of your marriage.

Best wishes