Caught

[Shadeauxmarie]

I guess it was inevitable. I got busted again Tuesday. I have previously posted how intolerant my wife is toward cross-dressing. She has threatened divorce if I couldn’t stop. She says, “If you really love me, you’d stop.’

I have hidden my activities and clothing well for the last few years. I was tripped up on Tuesday when my wife took the unprecedented step of taking the empty garbage can from the street back to the garage. A package for some stockings I had bought was still in the bottom of the can since the garbage man didn’t fully empty it. She knew they were not hers since she doesn’t wear stockings or pantyhose anymore.

She is talking to me about this. She asked if I still had the stockings. I lied to her and told her I had thrown them away. I told her I succumbed to stress I was having on the job. That is true, because the more I am stressed, the more I feel the need to dress.

I tried to explain how it wasn’t her fault. It was all on me. She has inadequacy issues, and this hit her hard. She felt that if she was a better wife, I wouldn’t do this. I told her I had been dressing since before I met her, so it had nothing to do with her.

It ended with her telling me that she wanted to help me fight this and to let her know when I was stressed so she could help relieve the stress. I agreed.

I know I will continue dressing. I have tons of clothes she doesn’t know about. I feel like I’m being torn apart. My deep and abiding love for my wife, and my inability to stop cross-dressing, are in conflict.

[Jill Devine]

I really feel for you having to sneak and live a lie. It must be really tough.

But in terms of advice you need to make a choice for the long term. If you can stop dressing, then stop and get on with your life. If you cannot stop it then you need to sit down with your wife and tell her what you just told us. Yes, she might divorce you. Yes thats scary as hell. But long term, surely you don't plan to live a lie for the rest of your life? That's not the basis for a healthy marriage.

[kristinacd55]

My wife found out 4 years ago. Thought I was having an affair with another woman (long story!). Anyway, I told her then I was a crossdresser. The s$*t hit the fan, BUT since then it's been a long long process of talking and listening and being very patient. If your wife really loves you she will accept this very important part of you. It's not easy, but it's also not going away (your cding). Good luck with your journey!!

[joan658]

My wife found out 4 years ago. Thought I was having an affair with another woman (long story!). Anyway, I told her then I was a crossdresser. The s$*t hit the fan, BUT since then it's been a long long process of talking and listening and being very patient. If your wife really loves you she will accept this very important part of you. It's not easy, but it's also not going away (your cding). Good luck with your journey!!

This is pretty much what happened to me over 10 years ago. I found a bunch of literature and books online for my wife to read which helped a lot. Later, we joined a Tri-ess chapter and we both went to monthly meetings where she was able to talk with other wives/SOs. Today, I dress full time (at home, not out in publie) and my wife realizes that cross dressing is just a part of the person I am that she feel in love with over 15 years ago.

[christinac]

Having to hide and sneak around is hell to say the least. Thankfully I don't have a wife to worry about, but I have to hide from my clientele because most of them would not understand at all and I would seriously doubt if they would even try to understand if they did find out. So in a way our situations are very much the same and I'll be keeping a very close eye on this thread.

[sissystephanie]

This answer certainly won't please you, but it is something you may want to try. You both, you as the CD and your wife, need to sit down with a Therapist who specializes in Gender disorders. The way you talk shows that you are a dedicated crossdresser who has no intention of giving up. And regardless of what people say, you can give it up!! But only if YOU really want to!! Crossdressing is a frame of mind, and only you can change your mind!!

I have no idea how old you are, how long you have been married, or what you do for a living that causes you to be stressful. I am in my late 70's and have been a CD since I was 6 years old. Back in the 1950's I did completely stop crossdressing for 5 years. I ony started back up again because my dear late wife asked me to! She missed Stephanie in our life!! I told her that I was a CD BEFORE I married her, so that I would not have to live a lie as you do. We had almost 50 years together!

If you two really love one another, you can work this problem out. It might mean you giving up being a CD, but that is your decision. Do you love crosssdressing so much you would give up your wife to keep doing it??

[Jessica_Dillon]

Everyone here is right, hon. Being completely honest with your wife is the best thing to do. I think the therapist idea is a good one if she really has a hard time grasping this. Then again, there is some good literature out there too if your wife is willing to take an opportunity to learn a little on her own. It's a hard discussion for you, but also remember it may be even harder for her, so take it easy and slow.
Stephanie is also right; don't lose your wife over this. I wish you the best of luck. I'm interested to read where this goes for you. Keep us all updated, please.

[Raychel]

I have to agree with what some of the others have said. You really need to talk with your wife. Let her know just how you feel. Find out her feeling and come to some sort of an arrangement that you can both live with. Life is too short for either of you to go thru it unhappy.

[Cynthia Anne]

Give it up! I doubt that! You might put it on hold for a while! I think most of us know you can't stop it! I say you both need outside help! Seek a Therapist! You both must go! As far as rather she "loves you or you love her" Love has nothing to do with it! If I never learn nothing more I can say I learned that from in the couple of months I've been here from the nice ladies on this forum! Talk and get help!

[Kelly DeWinter]

A lot of great advice here. Jeannie and I have a great relationship, because it's based on honesty. If your crossdressing is brought on because of stress, then a gender therapist may be a good course of action. I agree that your spouse should be a part of any counseling.

[CharlieQ]

As a SO, I too agree with everyone here.
I can't imagine what you're going through.

If you decide to continue cross dressing, you should be completely honest about it. If you get 'caught' again, it will only be worse next time. Lies can destroy a person & a relationship.

As Joan said ... maybe finding literature and books for her to read would help?
I will be looking for updates too ... Best of Luck Hun.

[Emily Ann Brown]

There is not guarantee that talking with your wife honesty will change anything..but you wont know until you try.

Mine still left me...but I have the peace of mind knowing I did everything I could.

Em

[MarcyRex]

Aaahh memories. My experiences aside, a therapist/counselor is the best advice here. This is her issue you have to help guide through. You've accepted yourself and had many years of self-analysis to reach a balance. She may need professional help to facilitate this.

[Tina B.]

Thirty five years ago I started having the urge to dress, I had not dressed for a few years, and was surprised, as I had been married five years earlier, and had not had a real strong urge for a few years. As the urge got stronger and I realized I could never be happy hiding, and sneaking around, so I did the only thing I felt I could do. I told her everything about things I had never told a living soul.When I finished, my last statement was, if this is too much for you, or to repulsive, I understand, and I won't fight the divorce. We went shopping instead, and are as happy as any couple has a right to be.
It's hard to try and accept yourself, when the one you live with won't accept you. I don't think I could have done it. I hope you both find what you are looking for, but I'm sorry to say, it may not be together. How long can you deny who you are?
Tina B.

[kristinacd55]

Thirty five years ago I started having the urge to dress, I had not dressed for a few years, and was surprised, as I had been married five years earlier, and had not had a real strong urge for a few years. As the urge got stronger and I realized I could never be happy hiding, and sneaking around, so I did the only thing I felt I could do. I told her everything about things I had never told a living soul.When I finished, my last statement was, if this is too much for you, or to repulsive, I understand, and I won't fight the divorce. We went shopping instead, and are as happy as any couple has a right to be.
It's hard to try and accept yourself, when the one you live with won't accept you. I don't think I could have done it. I hope you both find what you are looking for, but I'm sorry to say, it may not be together. How long can you deny who you are?
Tina B.

Tina, nothing like shopping to reduce stress!! Great story...

[Mary Morgan]

I cannot tell you what will work for you, but it seems to me that you are farther away from a solution than you were before this happened. I am one who does not believe that you can make this go away. I stopped for five years at one point, but it never left me. When I told my wife about it, she asked me if I would quit if it meant our marriage? I told her I was willing to try, but that I didn't believe it would go away, nor did I want to stop being me, and this is a part of me, the whole me. We have worked it out. She would still like it to go away but she no longer sees it as a problem. We have found a middle ground that works for us.

I suggest that you consider counseling for both of you. If the other elements of your relationship are solid, this should not be a reason for trouble. It simply requires understanding and that can only come through open discussion and education.

[TGMarla]

The thing that most spouses do not really understand, is that this is not a choice of "if you loved me, you'd stop". One has nothing to do with the other. My wife is not supportive of my dressing, yet I continue to do it regularly. It has no bearing on whether I love her or not. She found out about it the hard way. And although she has not ever seen me dressed, except for one time when we attended a Halloween party together dressed as opposite genders, she has run across my little diversion several times.

The first was when her late son busted me one day while all dressed up. Naturally, he told on me. And the manure really hit the fan. It did not destroy our marriage, but it sure didn't make it any stronger, either. She intercepted a package once that had a newly purchased dress in it. Then one time I deposited a check that had been returned to me that had been labelled with a memo on it, "returned for dress purchase". I left a carry-on bag out one evening with some of my shoes in it. And she's busted me wearing a pretty cardigan sweater a few times. So there's no mystery to her of the fact that I dress. She's just come to accept it as a part of who I am, and I think she appreciates that I do my best to keep it away from her.

But to bottom line this, she knows I love her, and that I'm true to her. That means a lot to her. Overall, this is where you build on your relationship. So as you move forward, if you are dedicated to her and to your marriage, then relate this to her in no uncertain terms. And this will help to carry you over the bumpy road you are facing. She needs to know that you are, and will remain, her man. Let her know that your dressing is secondary to her needs and your relationship, and that even if this never goes away, neither will your love and commitment to her.

[Shadeauxmarie]

I appreciate all the advice here. She knows I love her, and that I'm faithful to her. I believe she would like me to go to counseling. I'm thinking about it a lot. She is looking at Christian based couseling. I don't have the heart to tell her I don't think it will work. I will probably go to a therapist in my medical network to reduce costs. Hopefully she would accept this. My fervent hope is that the therapist could help her too.

[Lorileah]

I understand that many do not understand what we go through. They assume this is a lark or a phase or a fetish. But I really hate when either SO uses the "If you love me you will...." line. Blackmail is ugly no matter what the price. Love isn't a bargaining chip. It is love, accepting, unconditional love. Why people don't get this I don't know. You don't have to like EVERYTHING about your spouse but you should LOVE the package.

If you cannot explain to her exactly how you feel about dressing and how it isn't the bad thing that she has been taught then pretending to quit because you love her will just end in you both hating each other. Maybe better to get that over now instead of wrecking more of your life.

If she loved YOU she would accept your dressing. So we have a stalemate

[SherriePall]

I really have no advice to hand out on this other than to say that many of the other posters have some solid advice.
Just a comment on what Lorileah mentioned about, "If you love me ..." I am fortunate that my wife has never thrown that into my face because I know I probably would blurt back, "If you love me ...." It can a two-way street afterall.

[KarenCDFL]

I really can't add much that the others here have said.

The line "If you really loved me you would stop" really bothers me. Why couldn't be "If you really loved me, you would accept me" Why should this be so one sided? (rhetorical question)

I told my wife before we married as I also am a life long cross dresser for as far back as I can remember. It took her awhile to learn about it and finally decide that I was the same person no matter what I wore. That was over 15 years ago.

I do have to agree that seeking therapy should be the immediate answer to the issues you both face.

My wife and I have gone to a therapist all of our married life and that is a large reason why we are still together after all this time.

I am sure we would have gone our separate ways if we did not have a central person we trusted to help us get thought our very difficult times.

I wish the best for both of you.

[BiancaEstrella]

I have previously posted how intolerant my wife is toward cross-dressing. She has threatened divorce if I couldn’t stop. She says, “If you really love me, you’d stop.’

People who use your love as a cheap bargaining tool devalue the purpose of your love entirely. I'd leave tire treads fleeing this woman and never look back.

[NatashaCD]

The line "If you really loved me you would stop" really bothers me. Why couldn't be "If you really loved me, you would accept me" Why should this be so one sided? (rhetorical question).

Best thing I have ever read

I really dislike people that use these type of reasons

[Lucy_Bella]

You know, Your wife would be easier to deal with if you just come clean to her and stop lying..Why prolong it? The more you lie the less she is going to believe , when it comes to dressing or even brushing your teeth at night in front of her..

This marriage is set up for failure if this continues, you have been caught not once but twice, yet you continue to lie.. The trust is broken now even if you did STOP ,it will come back and of course it will always be in the back of her mind as well..

Pay the piper compromise and explain your situation ..Be a Man or man up when it comes to your girly activity.. You may gain some respect from her and she may at least tolerate the dressing in your own time in private..

[Stephanie47]

I wasn't going to put my two cents in until I heard the term "Christian based counseling." You are doomed to hear you're headed to hell in your heels. If I were a wagering wom(man) I'd bet you will be told that you are against everything biblical. Your wife's position will be re-enforced. You'll hear love the man, hate the wo(man). My wife and I went to a Christian minister for reasons other than cross-dressing. I wasn't even cross-dressing at the time. He had no training other than the jargon from seminary. If counseling is going to happen, it needs to be grounded in secular teachings, psychiatry, etc. Unlike some in the thread who think cross-dressing can be turned off like a faucet, if you love your wife, the faucet will drip slowly and then more and more. Finally, the pipe will burst.

Marriage is always a compromise. You give up cross-dressing, a part of who you are. What is she willing to give up? Nothing! In her eyes you are a sinner. In the churches eyes, you're a sinner. Once you hear the therapist say you're a sinner, your goose is cooked.

I gave up one thing after another for my wife. They were significant things. Quit my job! Move across country, if I ever wanted to see my child. Live in the house she wanted, although later she said she never liked it. go to the denomination she grew up in (church). Live in the school district. All of those things were things I could compromise on. What did she give up. Zippo. Cross-dressing was rekindled. I've told her it has nothing to do with how I perceived her. Nothing to do with being gay, yadda, yadda, yadda. If the gauntlet was thrown down now, I'd walk away in my heels. Sometimes compromises just run out.