It's wonderful how everyone is so complimentary and supportive. What if some decided to be more honest and tell us if we are looking bad, thinking incorrectly, etc.? Would moderators admonish them or kick them out? Sometimes we learn more from our mistakes.
In my short time here, I have seen some brutally honest moments, and it has been a good thing, IMO. But your question is definitely an interesting one, and very well taken. No better way to learn than from one's own mistakes. From what I have seen here, it seems to work quite well.
Last edited by Anne2345; 03-14-2011 at 09:09 PM.
It is prefectly permissible to tell someone they are wrong on this forum! Lord knows that I have done it often enough. If your post is really out of line it will be removed by the Mods, and you will be notified! I totally agree that you learn from your own mistakes, and sometimes can also learn from those of others! If you are goimg to really criticise someone, you should do it by PM or email!
Stephanie
Lady on the outside, but man underneath!
I agree to learn from mistakes but negative replies need to be constructive and not destructive to allow all types of people who visit here for suggestions in help not to be turned away from a place of refuge and maybe send them into a deeper state of depression. It is very hard to select an appropriate answer when one does not know the state of the person who asks the question. I do agree sometimes the responses may not be of any help.
Stephanie hit it right on the nail. We should be able to speak our thoughts but there is a line to not cross..and out of respect sometimes that PM is the best way to go. I've learned a few lessons along the way, so I do bite my tongue (not often..lol) and exit the thread without a response..other times I leave to really think it out and then respond.
The private PM is something I use when one makes that general comment of "please be honest on how I look? Tips????". And I have had positive responses for doing just that, being honest and respectful.
Marissa
"You better look hard and look twice,
...is that me, baby or just a brilliant disguise?"- The Boss
I like your thoughts on this! I belong to an organization that has this motto: If I can't say something nice About someone, I will not speak ill of them! I guess I will start doing this! I will say something nice than cuss them out!?????
Glad you raised this question Allison, I've had this same question but never asked. We'll have to discuss this when we meet up.
[SIGPIC]
I don't critique anyone's appearance. Period. If I can't find something nice to say, I just keep my mouth shut.
As for telling people they're wrong, I prefer to say, "I don't agree with that..." After all, I could be wrong about them being wrong, but I'm absolutely certain that I don't agree.
One thing that I have taken to heart PRIOR to posting any comment on how a person looks, whether solicited or not, was to get up and look in a mirror.Shuts me up everytime.
Also, whenever I do myself up - to what I think is acceptable – I never, I mean NEVER get on this site and look at the avatars of others. I did it once and felt so bad about myself that I wasn’t as good looking as some of the girls here, that I went right back in the bathroom and took it all off.
One rule to live by: Those who live in glass houses.........
From what I've experience, that is the basic philosophy of this site. I've seen several sites out there where one can get thrashed if that is really what one wants.Originally Posted by Allison1
We're often the hardest on ourselves. If I can give an "attagirl" to someone and make them feel a bit better about themselves I've done them a service. Constructive criticism is fine, but it goes down a lot better if the things that a person is doing well are mentioned first.
Also, we don't all have the same goals with dressing. Some want to perfect that perfect GG look, others want to walk a bit on the wild side, etc. It's better to celebrate people expressing themselves as they wish than to criticize them because they don't conform to another person's style.
Or, as a former good boss once told me, "Praise publicly, criticize privately."
Eryn
"These girls have the most beautiful dresses. And so do I! How about that!" [Kaylee, in Firefly] [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
"What do you care what other people think?" [Arlene Feynman, to her husband Richard]
"She's taller than all the women in my family, combined!" [Howard, in The Big Bang Theory]
"Tall, tall girl. The woman could hunt geese with a rake!" [Mary Cooper, in The Big Bang Theory]
I try to live by the idea that how would I feel if I were that other person? If there is a pic that I don't like I keep my mouth shut. If there is a comment I don't like and I feel very strongly about it I usually PM the individual. What good would it to to "jump on" someone else in public all I'm doing would be to hurt someone's feelings and maybe start a "fight" that probably would not solve anything?
Remeber waht Bambi's mother said, "If you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all!"
Dana Fleming
I say accentuate the positive. Tell me what accessory I should add, or if I should wear my hair up or down. Tell me my slip is showing, but the negitive stuff is out of my vocabulary...
You see, the way I see myself is from my eyes outward and that's what really counts. I don't care to look in the mirror until I have every little detail down pat. Even though, I'm portraying a look that society identifies with being female, I'm just wearing what's comfy to me. Okay, the white heels are a little tight, but I'm getting used to it... LOL.
My dad once told me if I didn't have anything nice to say, don't say anything. That's kind of stuck with me. I may roll my eyes on what some people call pretty, but that's about it...
Remember life's too short and we don't get out of this alive. Enjoy the day.
Renne.....
Most of the critical comments I have seen were in response to "be honest, I can take it, how do I look? How can I improve?" For example, some have asked, and the response was "you have nice feminine features, but shaping your eyebrows would look more feminine". Nothing wrong with that. I was the recipient of an unsolicited criticism, unrelated to any topic being discussed. I can take the criticism but it annoyed me because I wasn't asking for comment.
I think you are right. When I ASK for constructive criticism, then I want honest answers. I am one who likes to look as female as possible & so I need hones opinions on that. But the best "criticism" is the unsolicited compliments.
Kim
"I just gotta be me"
As most of you will notice the moderators do not automatically "shut things down" because of a few comments which don't fit with "nice polite way". This is a support forum and the support comes from many angles, be that good or bad comments.
We are not the PC police, but we will step in if the comments become personal or the thread is turning into a flaming war. Where we can, we do just deal with those who have "overstepped the mark", but occasionally a thread will be closed/deleted simply to maintain the safety, integrity and balance of the forum.
Just a thought for those who do ask questions such as "Be honest, what do I look like", if you really do not want to know the answer, be it good or bad, DON'T ASK THE QUESTION!!
Listen carefully to what is said, quite often you can hear what is not being said
The joy of correcting a mistake can bring pain to another
I'd much rather hear from you girls that I am leaving the house looking like a drunken tramp instead of trying to endure the withering looks from people on the street. You'd be doing me a favor.
I've gone to find myself. If I should return before I get back keep me here to wait for me so I don't go back out and miss myself when I return.
With so many forms of communication, it is often how something is said that hurts feelings or inflames strong passions more than what was said. As someone has already stated, there are ways to give constructive feedback without being destructive or hurtful in the process. A hit and run negative comment does not help and only serves to hurt. Unfortunately, some get off by tearing others down. In addition to commenting on the positive, for example, you can suggest going lighter with the blush and blending it better around the edges instead of it saying looks terrible or like a cheap tramp. The former is helpful in a nice way, while the later is destructive. The same goes for when someone is looking for advice. They may be partially responsible for a problem, looking at something from a skewed perspective, or be misinformed, but there are ways to say that without attacking them. Totally glossing over their culpability is not helping them, and in some cases may be harmful.
Honesty is better, but it should be delivered with good intentions, care and compassion. Brutal or in-your-face honesty can be quite destructive, but so can dishonesty. I cringe when I see extremely positive comments (in person, in chat or in a forum such as this) about a look or picture that I think is far removed from reality. While it is nice to see someone smile and feel good about themselves, a false sense can also be harmful. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but sometimes it is hard to even get past that bit of wisdom. Either my sense or taste is way out of whack, I'm being arrogant or superior, or the comment is dishonest. None of those are appealing to me. I'm all for being supportive, helpful and kind, and do it when I can, but lying is not the way to go about it. I would rather remain silent than be dishonest. Sometimes it is hard to tell if someone is genuinely looking for constructive feedback or if they are fishing for compliments. Unless it is clear they are truly looking for genuine feedback to improve, I will always error on the side of sparing someone's feelings and keep quiet.
Ideally, members are honest with their opinions. The trick is to state them respectfully if they differ from someone else's point of view, and tactfully if it has anything to do with presentation.
Still, it's hard to know the motives behind some of the Gallery posts. Some members might just want validation, while others may be looking for constructive criticism. This is when using tact is paramount.
Reine
Maybe if one is open to constructive criticism, she should say so in the opening post - but even then we all should be nice and try and help. Not all of us have a loving someone close by like I do to offer help.
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC] My GG GF Julie and I send you all hugsI'm on the right in my avatar, Julie is on the left.
The "How do I Look" Threads are very similar to one of my Ex-Wives asking, "Does My Butt look big!" In both cases, they probably don't want to hear criticism....and so we don't do that!
However, as others have already stated, we certainly do allow divergent opinions. Your not allowed to make personal attacks, your not allowed to get everybody "torqued-out" with your political agenda, your not allowed to "bludgeon" people about their religious views. But, you can make some comments about all of these things, if you keep it civil, if you don't create "messes." Sometimes a Divergent Opinion will pique A Moderator, and because it's subject to perception; that person will get censored, or The Thread closed. But, that's what happens sometimes in just about any situation involving two human beings. Is it fair...who knows? But, it certainly IS!
We have had a few people who liked to just create controversy for The Sake of argumentation. If they consistently did it, they got warned and then banished. Think of this as A Society. All Societies create some sorts of Rules of Conduct. Some Societies are "better" than others in what they allow. Comparably, our "Society" around here is pretty good!
Peace and Love, Joanie
[SIZE="2"]
You could easily write an entire thread about the word “support” and what it means. As far as I’m concerned, I don’t really need any support to keep my crossdressing adventure alive – I’m beyond that point. I just come here to meet other crossdressers and discuss this beautiful “activity,” or whatever you wish to call it. As far as appearance and “correct” thinking are concerned, I rely on my own powers of intuition and balance, since I believe in myself always…[/SIZE]
Last edited by ReineD; 03-15-2011 at 08:39 PM. Reason: Mod decisions have deeper reasons than suggested in the quote. You comment perpetuates a distrust of Mods and this does nothing for the community.
I cant ever see myself putting out there a "how do I look,be honest" thread,couldn't take the heat LOL
As long as I'm happy with myself that's all I need,and of course I have my Wife to help with Input,either positive or negative.
Sophie
We look to Scotland,for all our Ideas of Civilisation-Voltaire
========================================
A woman who loves to wear beautiful clothes is like a flower.
A man who loves to emulate these women is a special flower-a roseFacebook:Sophie Johnson
Honesty is the best policy. As long as criticism is constructive and tasteful, I don't think the mods will have any problems. Heck, they have, on occasion, jumped on that bandwagon themselves.
I feel a PM is the best place to make suggestions.
Once I saw a very pretty gurl but the shade of foundation just didn't work, I made a little note about how "In my thoughts" a little darker shade would bring out her natural look..
She thanked me repeatedly.
Some of the best support I have received since joining here came from people who cared enough to say that they thought I was heading in the wrong direction or had spoken out of turn.
In my not so humble opinion, being supportive should never be a matter of saying (in the words of a Voltaire satire) that everything is for the best in the best of all possible worlds. To me being supportive is offering encouragement when that is needed and words of caution when those are required. Criticism does not need to be destructive and when offered in the right manner can be more supportive than hoards of people telling you what they think you wanted to hear.
In a picture thread, if you honestly think something looks bad, you can say something like "I don't think I could get away with that, do you think xyz would improve the look?". You have still offered criticism but in a way that is designed to build up rather than to tear down.
Last edited by Rianna Humble; 03-18-2011 at 09:19 AM.
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This above all: To thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any
Galileo said "You cannot teach a man anything" and they accuse ME of being sexist
Never ascribe to malice that which can be easily explained by sheer stupidity
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