Do we empower others to cause us embarrassment or shame?

[Amanda22]

I heard an interesting thing recently and thought I'd throw it out here for comment. Feel free to disagree or take the thought further...

The idea is that no one can embarrass us if we don't empower them to do so. This isn't just an idea pertaining to CDers; it would apply to anyone, and not just with the feeling of embarrassment. The negative feeling could be anger, shame, fear, etc.

For example, last Saturday, my wife and I were dining in a fairly nice restaurant as girlfriends (I was fully en femme). I was really on top of my game while entering the restaurant, ordering, having a drink, etc., but midway through dinner, I let my guard down and began to think about the situation. Although we go out weekly, I was suddenly struck by the thought that "I'm presenting as an attractive woman in a restaurant full of people!" I started to feel self-conscious. Wouldn't you know it, the older woman at the next table suddenly started staring at me. When I met her stare, I quickly looked away. She continued to stare. I think I handled the visual confrontation completely wrong. By looking away, I gave her power. I was saying something to the effect of, "yes, I'm an impostor. I'm not what I appear to be and deserve your scrutiny." I immediately kicked myself and began discussing with my wife how badly I handled it. I told her I should have smiled nicely at her and if she persisted I could have introduced myself and my wife and asked her if we knew each other. I really could have done that but I just had that weak moment. Argggh!

Thanks for reading all this... Of course, I make great effort to be as passable as possible, but once dressed I focus instead on confidence and acting like I belong. It takes conscious effort at this point and isn't yet automatic.

Do you think we can really control the power shift in these public encounters? If so, to what degree?

[AllieSF]

I believe that, yes, you can control that power shift. I am the type of person who would have smiled nicely at the lady, waved, or maybe given her the thumbs up sign. If it doesn't break the ice to elicit a smile on her part, or to start a nice conversation then or on the way out, it at least shows her that her stare means nothing at all to me. I also don't "act" like I belong because I believe that I "do" belong just like anyone else there. Do I occasionally have one of those moments when I lose some confidence? Yes, that happens, but only very rarely these days. I see it as a two way street where she/he needs to tolerate me and I need to tolerate he/himr. I do not and will not depend on her/him for my happiness. I depend on myself.

[Eve_WA]

I would have to agree. I used to feel the eyes of the world upon me, and felt weird, out of place, and even a bit shameful for my presentation. But once I got the attitude of who cares? I am me! And if you dont like it... F- YOU! I havent really felt that way since. I every once in a while catch someone looking at me, but it doesnt make me feel like I dont belong and that Im an impostor anymore. I smile, and go about my business. For me it has really made the difference that I accepted myself.

[charlie]

Hello Amanda!
An interesting idea that seems to ring true. If we weren't on the defensive all the time and trying to blend in with the woodwork we would not be intimidated when some scrutiny arises.

[Karren H]

Not caring puts the ball in my court... Worst case I'll take my ball and go home!

[Lorileah]

wow, this could be like an informercial or maybe a PBS special during pledge week.

It isn't just when we look away but it is even more than that. The majority of people here don't even take the power in any situation. By closeting themselves away they are making a blanket statement that they feel what they are doing is wrong. They reinforce the idea that we are inferior. They embrace the whole thought process that you assume the woman at the restaurant had.

In my case I would have probably done what you did, ignore her but if I felt her staring still I may have gotten my smarty pants on. "Is my slip showing?" "Oh I see you are admiring my outfit." "Yes the fish in wonderful...sort of reminds me of your expression though." The best to really embarrass here would have been to say loudly "Grandma! You got your parole?" Of course that would have led to being thrown out of the restaurant probably. Not the best tactic.

I don't think you gave away too much. It was a brief encounter with one person and avoiding eye contact may have been the correct move. This seems to have disrupted your pleasure more than it did her's however. Would it have increased your feelings of power to embarrass her and is that what you really would have wanted to do? Don't put too much emphasis on this. Being out and in public, obviously representing our community in a positive manner made a bigger impact over all. You have subtly planted seeds of acceptance. You didn't start a disturbance and yo really don't know how many people around you appreciated that. It was a win even if not earth shattering. You may have let her get away with thinking she was more important than you were but look at the big picture, you represented the TG community with class...now the snooty better than thou attitude you received from the old biddy...ooops I mean nice little old lady who cannot be out in public.

[sissystephanie]

Amanda, maybe you did empower her by looking away when she looked at you! But who cares? You said she was an older person, and you should know that many older persons do not have very good vision!! Maybe she could not really see you.

The point is that if what you did bothers you, that is your own problem!! I go out almost every day to eat, and usually am totally dressed enfemme! But I present as the man that I am, no makeup or wig! And I am almost bald! Do I get stared at? Sure I do, but I don't care! I am Me, and I like to wear female clothing!! So I do! You need to develope that kind of an attitude to carry on as a CD! It is your life, live it!!

[ReneeT]

Amanda,

I am glad to see you posting and to hear that you are getting out. I hope that this one episode doesnt discourage you. Hold your head high and be proud of who you are!

[Joann Smith]

I took a class in public speaking once... one of the exercises we did was for the group to evaluate each other based solely on apperance...It was brutal but one thing i did take away from it was.. for one...I found out that i look pissed off all the time there for tend to scare small kids and some dogs...Secondly its hard as hell to figure out whats going through somebody eleses mind when they look at you..Belive it or not some people see things really really twisted..and you would be surprised by what be going through folks head when they look at you...

Joann

[Jessica_Dillon]

This is a pretty interesting post. Amanda, I'm sure you had a lovely dinner with your wife, and that's the important part. If you had a weak moment, who cares. Every now and then, we all those weak moments in life...probably us more than others! Older women...eh, I can handle that. Those freaking teen girls though, ugh. Those are the ones that kill my self-esteem.

[Phoebe P.]

You are MUCH more brave than I am! I can't even think of going out en femme! Next time give her a wink and a smile and she'll look away. Most people aren't bold enough to make a scene especially over something that doesn't concern them.

[Cynthia Anne]

Yes we do! I agree! My not so famous last words are:If you don't like the way I'm living, you just leave this long haired country girl a lone!

[eluuzion]

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent"
-Eleanor Roosevelt

She was famous for inventing the dime currency coin still used today in the USA. She was a male at the time ..and went by the name of Teddy, which was the name she called her pet bear cub when he/she was a child. He/she waited until after his/her term as President expired to begin CDing because he/she felt it was the right thing to do. After leaving the White Castle, he/she began CDing and adopted the name of Eleanor, because with her lisp, it sounded like Illinois, which was where her favorite city was located. (Chicago). (she really just liked the pizza).

She went on to have an affair with Paul McCartney, who eventually wrote a song about her (Eleanor Rigby). But you have to play the album backwards to hear the secret message.

Anyway, she just faded away in the end, which is typical of people named Eleanor...

then again, I could be wrong...but she was right, with that quote.


Yes, you can control the power shift if you develop your persuasive techniques and develop a little kinesic perception ability (body language).
Just go try and buy a used car...used car salesmen are the masters of the "art".

Next time, try smiling just a little bit when you catch her gaze, then look "up over and to one side of her head slightly. When she turns to look behind her, do not make eye contact again, just enjoy your meal. It will drive her nuts.

Or you could hit in the forehead with a martini olive...

[Gerrijerry]

I only want to point out that she may not have been looking at you, there are people who just stare off into space. Others think that they are looking at them but infact they do not even see you. If she was then, she was being very rude. You could just not pay attention, you could say something but that way you have told her you care about what she is doing. I think that by not looking at her was better. Inside her head she would have been affected that you simply didn't care what she thought. However I do really go with the first point many people stare and don't even realize they are doing that.

[Kate Simmons]

If we just relax and enjoy ourselves, we really don't have to control anything Hon.

[SuzanneBender]

In the immortal words of of the great 80s band C&C Music Factory," I got the power". You empower you. No one else in this world can do it for you. Others will try to take that power away and hold you down and their primary weapon is humiliation. You disarm them by being proud of who you are and frankly not caring about their opinion.

Being out and in public, obviously representing our community in a positive manner made a bigger impact over all. You have subtly planted seeds of acceptance. You didn't start a disturbance and yo really don't know how many people around you appreciated that.

We are not going through anything that any other downtrodden minority has gone through. No one will ever hand us acceptance and respect unless we earn it. Lori is correct we win acceptance by being seen in public as good people. As a group we will never win acceptance until we refuse to hid in fear of what others think of us.

Amanda great job in handling the situation in a ladylike manner.

[Amanda22]

Thanks to all of you for your responses. Such great feedback that I will use next time out.

[Haley Heather]

This is an exceptionally educational thread, thank you.

[Schatten Lupus]

I believe Eleanor Roosevelt said it best "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

[Fab Karen]

Not caring puts the ball in my court...

Yep. And if they're staring, obviously they're in love.
Also something to think on: how many times in such a public place do guys stare at women? Women also sometimes stare at other women ( whether it's out of sexual interest or just checking the fashion-look we can't say ).

[gretchen2]

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.
Eleanor Roosevelt

[Cindi Johnson]

Out and about, dressed..., and embarrassed?? No way! I feel proud when I'm out, even when I am read. Empowered might be the current "in" word to use: I'm "empowered" when I sit in Starbucks, nicely dressed, and enjoy myself. So many of the guys and gals my age have let their bodies go to complete ruin; my god, why?? If I believed in such things as heaven and hell, I'd say it's a sin, for sure.

No..., it's shameful TO THEM that I, a guy, make a better looking female than do most of the females my age. They should be embarrassed, not me.

Cindi