Be prepared .

[Shelly67]

Life .
It has an awful surprise of turning everything on it's head , causing even the most stable of us to question our direction and reality sometimes .Due to the fact I've stated in the picture thread that it may be my last for sometime, it has lead me to think on in a deeper context .
I think we all have moments of reflection , contemplation in our existence but we continue to live our lives in our own way , then POW ! Summat comes along to really knock us side ways putting everything into a strange perspective , testing our character fully . It's a real awakening moment . It certainly makes you contemplate even further . Reality bites .
As a crossdresser , I certainly believe most of us are more questioning , more "switched on " perhaps , inquiring and considerate in a more positive manner than other males - very questioning and concious of our own lifestyles and behaviour . BUT , it's an awful reality when things seriously go wrong , making everything in life a horrible comparrison . I've recently been through a serious traumatic fatal event , I'm not looking for attention , I just wanted to relay that when things proceed in a terrible manner it REALLY leaves us questioning ourselves . Well it has me . I love being Shelly , but when reality knocks on your door , it puts things into a perspective I wasn't prepared for . I feel very guilty being a crossdresser . FAR greater now - more than ever before . Post Traumatic Stress Disorder councelling has helped me look back on my life ,the situation , regain clarity ,move on , but it's also left me with a feeling that my crossdressing is almost ridiculous . Pretentious , attention seeking . vainity to a level thats almost pathetic . I'm sorry for MY opinion , but it's honesty from the heart ........... and believe me this isn't a " drama queen " moment .

If life isn't hard enough .

I'm sure on reflection of everything , my female side of my persona will return one day, hopefully minus this terrible guilt feeling . I thought I was on top of my fem self , accepting myself as a person colourful in character in control .
Now I just feel lost .
So , I'll just ask , has anyone else been in this position ? Did youre character return , or was the female part of you thats been held in such delicate regard been banished to the back of the cupboard once and for all ......... ?

Life - be preapred , you never know whats coming .

[GaleWarning]

I don't know if I am reading you wrong ... but ... are you thinking that your crossdressing caused this fatal traumatic event?

Tough one, losing a loved person. My sincere condolences.

Take time to grieve and reflect. It is a natural and necessary process.

Go see your counsellor.

In time, you will realise that the guilt is not necessary.

Life goes on, time heals the pain. Love and laughter will return, as will Shelly.

[Shelly67]

Hi Clayfish , thank you for the kind words .
My crossdressing has no direct impact on what occurred . The harrowing experience has left me questioning every part of my personality , being and ability to perform in life . It was a no win situation my efforts failing me - everything beyond my control.
Sweetie - I won't elaborate in full out of respect for the deceased person concerned , however what I will share was that it was an experience of sheer horror . The young lady wasn't a family member ,but a stranger , the drowning incident stumbled across in the dark whilst on holiday .

I have always held the emergency services with the highest regard , they now have my most humble respect .
Having been experienced in Advanced First Aid for many years I always considered the act of CPR must be something very stressful , I didn't realise how having to personally perform the intimate act, just how traumatised I would react . Both mentally and phsysically .
The realization just too much to contain . I question everything I do now .



I hope for a better calmer time ahead . One thing I will say , no matter the issue , councelling opens doors previously locked shut . I see something in my personality undenied , frightened , but now at least positive - not in blind panic
So if theres times of unrest in anyones life ....councelling enlightens and DOES help - broaching stuck points . I'll continue to attend and hopefully emerge , with a memory of course , but with the ability to return to a happier self .
Bless you x

[GaleWarning]

As a first aider for Red Cross, I have often attended road accidents and can appreciate how traumatic your first experience of a death such as you attended must be for you.

Bless you, too, for assisting with CPR. Most people would have run away. You were strong and caring enough to get involved.

[Shelly67]

I would do it again without hesitance . Alone or not . I discovered the incident and dealt with it straight away screaming for help . I have never felt so powerful , so small , so helpless as I did at that moment . I ffel so miserabley useless on not having the ability to revive the poor lady , it really hurts me , and I'm so sorry I couldn't sustain her precious life ........... I'm in bits typing this .

Clayfish , you are an angel amongst us .

[Mary Morgan]

You are hurting right now, and not for your inability to save this person, only God can do that, but because you have had to confront mortality big time. It is natural to suddenly question everything. I suggest that you let some time pass and allow yourself some time to grieve both this person and the loss of your innocence. If counseling is making you feel bad about your dressing, I'd suggest you tell your therapist and if he/she agrees with your analysis either give up dressing or the therapist. In time this too shall pass. I am a widower and I can tel you that there will always be moments of reflection and pain, but the joy can return.

[Shelly67]

Thank you Mary .
Right now I'm having to hand write an account of what occurred . My goodness it's hard , emotionally draining . I realize this is a form of the therapy - having to face up to it all on my own . It's a very painful hurdle indeed . I haven't divulged my femme side to my councellor , however I think she has an inkling about me .
I won't go on too long , but the last session we spent chatting had us both in tears . I'm simply in sheer fear of having to read aloud my account , no doubt it'll be exhausting but benefical . I hope it'll help and won't be too demanding on either of us . I have to do it , as right now I just feel so darn useless .... I can't see my character anymore ...he seems to have gone away ......



My greed of my dressing seems so silly now , I feel rather odd relating my problems on here , however I am so respectfully grateful for the encouragement you have passed on .

Sometimes in moments of disillusion and pain we reach in many a different direction .

[Jorja]

Sorry you had to experience something like that. Think for just a second though. Do to your training in CPR this person might well have lived because you came along when you did. I am a "fixer". When I see a problem I need to fix it. As I have found a few times in the past, sometimes things just can't be fixed because they are not yours to fix.

Right now you are feeling it might be time to put Shelly in a box for a while. That is ok. Sometimes we all need to take a brake. I encourage you not to do a purge and get rid of everything because as much as you may hate it, the urge to be Shelly usually will return sooner or later.

Take care of yourself and take time to grieve. My thoughts and prayers go out to you. Whatever you might do, know you will always have supporting friends right here.

[GinaD]

Yes Shelly, I too have mulled some of these thoughts over through the years. My guilt comes from having to conceal my feminine side from my SO. It almost feels like lying. Each of us has to be honest with ourselves, and decide whether or not any activity we do is worth the cost. Just be honest with yourself, make a decision, and move forward. But, don't beat yourself up for what has happened in the past, because the past cannot be changed. You are still a valuable human being and unless you are intentionally preying on someone else, worthy of your own forgiveness.

[Tina B.]

Shelly, sorry you had to put yourself though something like that, I can only imagine how hard it must me, never having been in such a spot. But I do know you sound like you have had a very traumatic shock, and while that may have you contemplating life and your roll in it, but until you have fully recovered from the event, it's not a good time to try making life changing decisions. Give yourself time to heal, then figure out how you really feel, not just how you are reacting to what happened. For you, you maybe right maybe it's best, but maybe, in a couple months, when you had sometime, you may find you are feeling girly again, and thats alright too. But right now what I think you need to do, is find a good friend and pour your heart out.
Tina B.

[Karren H]

You can't be prepared for something like that, imho. I've been involved in a half dozen fatal accidents in and around the mines and in life.... and even after 35+ years of safety, first aid and disaster training you just have to deal with it as best you can at the time... Being first to happen upon 2 fatal car accidents I still can remember being covered with blood while giving cpr to a drunk man who was thrown from his car onto the pavement. You don't forget those things. Ever. It is truly awful but its also life... And hasn't changed what I want in life or what I have to do...

[Roberta Marie]

Shelly,

One of the things that they often fail to teach in CPR and first aid classes, is that despite our best efforts, people will still die. And, for out of hospital cardiac arrest victims, unless CPR is started almost immediatly when the heart stops and is followed quickly by advanced life support, the chances of survival are not good.

During my career as a firefighter/paramedic, we felt we were doing good if half of the cardiac arrests that we dealt with made it to the hospital alive. Those patients who were in cardiac arrest outside of the hospital that ended up walking out of the hospital were a cause for celebration. But those celebrations were extremely rare.

Yes, the patients that make it make you feel good. But you have to know that you did the best that you could for those that didn't survive, and accept the fact that your being there and taking the action did increased any chance that they had. And that may be the best that we can do, to give them more of a chance. And that's what you did. You gave someone more of a chance.

I retired from the fire service after a 26 year career, 4 years earlier than I had planned. I left early because of what I call my "ghosts". Those are the especially hard ones, and for me, most of my ghosts were children, kids that died in fires, in drownings, in car accidents, usually because of an adult's stupidity. But, one of the things that my ghosts have taught me is the importance of being who I am, of being honest with myself. If anything, rather than driving me away from crossdressing, those ghosts have urged me to embrace being dual gendered, to be thankful for what I have on this planet and for who I am.

We are all different, and we all handle tough situations differently. You stepped up and handled your situation the best that you could, and in the end, that's the best that any of us can do.

Shelly, you are in my prayers.

[GingerLeigh]

I had typed out several responses, and erased every one of them. Some were stories of people that were first responders to tragic events. After reading it, and not actually being the one in them, I figured I honestly had no advice or aid to offer that can help.

Now, I know of others that went through similar situations, and they were never the same after those life altering events. Seeing them go through it, I understood how they felt. They withdrew from life. Very very sad. Don't let the harshness of reality trivialize your needs. Keep your stuff, don't purge. You may return someday. Doing the things that make you happy is not selfish, vain or greedy. It's called living. I've read your posts before, you sound like a good person. Take your time, heal, and don't feel bad for feeling good.

Ginger

[Shelly67]

I'm welling up right now reading the supportive messages ....thank you so , so much .
I cannot agree more , although trained , I think the first time having to perform CPR successful or not has a personal effect that no one is prepared for . Aftermath trauma is so very real .It's so true , one of the first things that hit me after the event , was that I'd never be the same again . It really scared me . I'm finding it hard to take on , I tried , I knew the poor girl had passed , I just could'nt assess how long , and with a drowning , well , youve got to try if the timescale is slight . It was messy , so fast , so unbelievable . I was so , so scared , full of adrenalin , angry that why despite my efforts I was unsuccessful . It was a stark awakening reality , I've dealt with car accidents , and a ton of injuries due to past employment . I thought she'd respond , she didn't and now I have to take on my own reactions .
I have such a respective honourable regard for the emergency services ( always have , but now so humble ) to think people may have to perform such acts day in , day out is beyond me . God bless such people .
As for my dressing , well I think certain comments on here are right . I need to grieve , accept myself .
I think most of us bully ourselves with guilt sometimes , but right now my guilt feels like a upper cut punch . But , I'm gonna try to deal with it . I think theres much to emerge from my " cupboard" , my councellor has already opened a reality in me I never knew existed .
I'd like to again thank all of the people on here for the messages of support . Although we are relative strangers corresponding via a key board , I am so grateful people responded to my uncertain thread . It's a horrid time feeling totally lost , without direction and in panic . You have calmed me greatly and help centre my fear in this very emotional time .

Shelly x

[James Kaon]

Hi Shelley. Like GingerLeigh said, I also felt unsure of what to write in response to your experience. I can not pretend to have experienced anything like that myself and so I can't pretend to know how you are feeling. But as Roberta says, even the best trained people can only be celebratory of a very few times out of many where they have actually managed to sustain life against odds. The fact you did actually react at all speaks alot of your character as a person, irrespective of your own personal needs or desires in everyday life. Sure, if you feel the need to take a break/back off from CDing then you should do so, but try try try not to beat yourself up too much. Who you are and what you are now or in the future obviously includes a very unselfish characteristic - a pure desire to help.

I hope you can find some reconciliation with your self from this experience, and do not apologise for speaking about it!

Best
Jx

[Shelly Preston]

Shelly

Its sad when anyone loses the fight for life whatever the circumstances. Sometimes even the best possible effort be it CPR or some modern technology is not enough to ensure survival.

I am sure the young lady's family were grateful that you were on hand to at least attempt to save her

When we are involved in some tragic event I think we all examine our lives and decisions
It does put things in perspective about what is important.

There have been similar times in my life when I think "Why Me" crossdressing has been part of me for as long as I can remember and it does make me wonder about all the options from giving up too complete transition

Accepting who you we are has always been difficult so I know a little of how you feel

I hope you get to where you want to be soon

[Fab Karen]

Guilt for what? Does a leopard feel guilty for its spots?

If you want help from your therapy, being honest with the therapist is the way.

[BRANDYJ]

Shelly, I can only imagine how you felt at the time your training in CPR was needed and failed to save a life. The important thing is you tried, you did your best without hesitation. I'd like to think I would have done exactly what you did. Some of us do not deal well with death. Some can handle it. I confess, I can't.
I know I'd be a basket case if my best efforts failed to save someone. Just witnessing death is very hard for me. Yes, when someone near and dear dies, we do more then morn and cry for the loss. We think of the purpose of life and reflect not only on the life of the one we lost, but our own mortality gets questioned.
Your reaction to this tragic event only shows your deep, loving, caring heart as a human. You will heal and begin to see the sunshine again. We are here for you and believe me, we feel for you. You were brave and reacted to this event. I for one commend you for the selfless effort you made for another human being.

[Haley Heather]

I am so sorry for your painful experience *hugs* I wish I had some great words of wisdom but I don't, know one does, traumatic experiences scar us in ways that can't be predicted.

[Shelly67]

Thank you everyone . I've just read all the replys after a nights sleep . I seem to feel as if at a crossroads right now , but almost as if bonded to the floor unable to move . At night and certain odd times of the day I'm suffering with bouts of going very hot , sweating and then intense headaches - all signs of Post Traumatic Stress - it's a phsyical condition . I hate taking medicine , but under the advice of my GP a perscription of sedatives are now in use . This whole scenario of my life has been centred around my reactions to what occurred . I've gotten over incidents , bad ones I've dealt with . Motorcycle accidents ect ect , but I've never felt " stuck " in the after effects before . I normally move on , get on with things . I don't mull over things I've dealt with , but there are so many reminders in daily life , I'm finding it hard . Adverts on the television , beach scenes , but worst of all I cannot look at blonde ladies without feeling anxious - and guilty .
Fab Karen - my guilt stems not only from not being able to sustain a life , but something i simply wasn't prepared for . CPR is taught very carefully , the one thing that I wasn't ready for was the intimacy of it . I hold a persons space very mannerful , especially females . I am gentlemanly and repective in full , as I was performing CPR on that poor lady, I felt as if I was violating her , with this rushing in my mind I kept going .
I wasn't prepared for the outcome of this event either . The resort I was visiting is very small , they had never experienced something like this before . Due to this , the Homicide division were brought in , they could hardly speak a word of English . Now the interviews began - lots of them . There was a strong possibility of me being held in custody . By goodness I was scared . I also had my wife and family with me , the stress and fear developed into arguments . It was so very hard to hold them together , deal with everything as I have previously , but ignoring my own numb reality . It was only after 2 hellish days we were all able to leave . The resort GP asked me to seek help back home , I just wasn't prepared . Only on departure take off did I allow myself breif rest , weird thing was I was unable to cry .

Enough.


I didn't mean to go off tangent . I just wanted to enquire has anyone else felt as if lifes major events have put a crossdressing person into a perspective that made them feel silly . Had other people put the girl in theyre lives away for good in response to a trauma ? In short , the times I've dressed since have left me feeling ridiculous . Please , I do not mean to offend in anyway by this comment .
I hope , in time with help , all will become calm again , I'm sure it will . One things for sure , all of the comments on here have added to my resolve to face up to my situation , although frightened I will try my earnst to see it all thru . I'd like to thank you all , even tho you are relative strangers for the support .
Bless you

Shelly

[Jess Marie]

I, too, have faced a fatal tragic event in my 18 years of life. Last year a neighbor took his own life, and I happened to be the one to find him. I thought he was out shooting, like any other day, so I grabbed my gun and headed to join him, but I went around the corner of the shed, he was lying on the ground. I wish I could unsee what I saw, but there he was, breathing. I still have nightmares about it over a year later. I log my dreams in a notebook, and since that day, I have recorded 2 nights of peaceful sleep. I truly hope the best for you, and I am always here if you would still like to talk. Just because you are questioning your dressing does not mean you still don't have a full community of people here to support you.

[Valerie Nova]

I didn't mean to go off tangent . I just wanted to enquire has anyone else felt as if lifes major events have put a crossdressing person into a perspective that made them feel silly . Had other people put the girl in theyre lives away for good in response to a trauma ? In short , the times I've dressed since have left me feeling ridiculous . Please , I do not mean to offend in anyway by this comment .
I hope , in time with help , all will become calm again , I'm sure it will . One things for sure , all of the comments on here have added to my resolve to face up to my situation , although frightened I will try my earnst to see it all thru . I'd like to thank you all , even tho you are relative strangers for the support .
Bless you

Shelly

Oh I feel silly plenty of times. But you shouldn't dwell on it. Would you feel the same way if you devoted a lot of time and energy to, say, model trains? I know I've felt the same way after a life-changing event, but it was because of my too-obsessive MMORPG hobby, not my crossdressing one.

[Shelly67]

Oh Jess , you poor soul . That first visual moment sticks ....I can relate and sympathise with you totally . If , even in these dark time I can also offer my support , I'm here .
Vir , previously I've purged , like so many other girls on here . very recently I've really fought the urge whilst dressed , not to rip it all off , go grab some bin bags and chuck the whole lot away . Only my past experiences of costly purgance has stopped me as I realise this female part of my personality will always remain .
Perhaps there are girls who have ceased crossdressing due to a life changing event ... I dunno ...... ? Maybe it's because I so want to move on in a ( forgive me ) " normal lifestyle manner that I've felt the way i have because I need clarity in other areas .......?

Seems we are complex individuals ............

[Jess Marie]

Maybe you're confusing your fem side with your male side. You may be seeking clarity with your male side, but you've established your female side. Don't stray from the known in search for the unknown. Use your female side as a constant, something you can feel comfortable doing, while soul searching as a male. My neighbor knew about my dressing, or atleast should have because looking back I didn't hide it too well. I retreated into dressing as a way to escape what reality I had seen. As I mourned him on the outside, on the inside I was dying to dress and escape. Dressing actually helped me get through the grievance that I am still going through. Don't give up dressing just yet, you may find it to be a valuable asset to your emotional process.

[Shelly67]

You could be right .
I think in this emotional mish - mash time I'll take things one day at a time . I'm not blaming my dressing in any way , it just felt very silly the last time I became Shelly .
But , in past times of stress she has been of great comfort to me . I just need time . I've never been like this before .
This has been one heck of an experience ...... but then again lifes always uncertain .