fear

[Rachel Lea]

The fear of telling my wife that I cross dress is beyond my understanding. I know I need to tell her but I just can not being my self to do it. I have tried to set the stage, but I just can not start to utter the words.

[Kate Simmons]

Yeah, it can be tough. You never know what will happen. My revelation eventually led to our separation, although it took years for that to eventually happen.

[KrystalA]

When I was looking for an opening to tell my SO about my crossdressing, an ad for Victoria's Secret came on tv, and I said "How come girls get to wear soft pretty underwear and guys have to wear drab guys underwear?" She answered with something like "I don't know. Semms kinda unfair, doesn't it". And things progressed from that point to her full acceptance of my CDing. You just have to find the right opening moment and go slowly from there. Good luck.

[ReineD]

Yeah, it can be tough. You never know what will happen. My revelation eventually led to our separation, although it took years for that to eventually happen.

Denise, with all due respect and to be fair to the OP, you're not telling the whole story. I don't want to cause you embarrassment or grief but I remember years ago you said that you ended up taking the CDing way too far and this is what caused your divorce. If I am wrong please tell me and I will stand corrected. But I don't think it's fair to the OP to not tell the entire story if there is more to it.

[NicoleScott]

Come on, Reine. We know that you are an advocate for telling all to our spouses, but also the truth police? ..........the whole truth, and nothing but....
Denise said that the revelation eventually led to separation. Those of use who had pretty good and normal marriages while privately crossdressing found our marriages ended eventually by the revelation. Denise's post doesn't require more information to be truthful or helpful.

[Jessica_Dillon]

Rachel, if you're that twisted up inside over the issue, then yes, you're right. It's time to tell her. Recently, another gal here told her wife. She had written a letter, and rehearsed it several times so that she didn't have to worry about losing her train of thought while mid-discussion. It ws beautifully written, and also very honest. If you're looking for the right words to say, and nervous about getting through it, this might be an option you'd like to investigate. anyway, good luck with all of it.

[Katesback]

Typical definition of telling wife= Telling wife with the assumption that you can escalate your crossdressing related activities.

This site is filled with the stories of telling the wife, some semblance of "acceptance", rapid escalation that brings the crossdressing activities to a front and the wife is now innundated with it. Finally the whole thing ends with a separation because the wife was never expecting nor preparred to deal with this.

[Kate Simmons]

Come on, Reine. We know that you are an advocate for telling all to our spouses, but also the truth police? ..........the whole truth, and nothing but....
Denise said that the revelation eventually led to separation. Those of use who had pretty good and normal marriages while privately crossdressing found our marriages ended eventually by the revelation. Denise's post doesn't require more information to be truthful or helpful.

Thanks Nicole. Basically my escalating the CDing openly is what eventually led to the split between my wife and I. We are still not divorced. Mainly what it was was that she did not want to be with someone who was "half a man and half a woman" (her words not mine). When all was said and done I was just myself anyway, gender presentation notwithstanding.

[Christy_M]

I have to say that only you can determine what is best for your situation. As I have mentioned to many others, weighing the consequences and making decisions based on your ability to live with those consequences is the most important step. I would not necessarily recommend a letter except to use as a script but that is my opinion. It feels a little impersonal to me. If you lay out what you want to get across on paper so you don't miss any important points and allow all the questions to flow without being defensive I am sure it will go a long way to helping her feel valued in the conversation. Whatever you choose, good luck. As I am sure you know from your time on this site, there are a number of people on this site who are here to support you and listen as things progress. I speak from experience becasue the ladies here have been so wonderful to me as I went through this myself a few months ago.

I am so happy to see the responses to this post being supportive and positive while at the same time taking into consideration the OP's own needs to understand the consequences in her life that this revelation will create. It wasn't too many months ago where someone posted something similar to this and was blasted with negativity and shame for not blurting it out without regard for the damages it would do. It warms my heart that we have considered the OP's feelings. This is yet another example of why I get so much from all you girls on this site. Thank you for being there.

Christy

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Rachel

Have you tried writing it all down in a letter. This will enable you to give it to your wife to read while you are there to answer her questions.

[Kathryn Philips]

I came out to my wife making love to her. I knew that she was homophobic (and still is) and that she also thought all men who dress as women are gay. My thought process at the time was that if I told her while engaged in a clearly heterosexual activity she might break the link in her mind between crossdressing and sexual orientation. The results where not good, but that is another story, my story.

I think it does matter how you tell you wife. How she takes it and what happens next is very much related to her personality, upbringing and outlook to life, an little about how and when you tell her. That you have to tell her, I agree, just hope that in your case it works out and that you are to continue dressing, if not in her presence, at least with her consent.

[leah kernow]

My thoughts are that you do have to be extremely careful and weigh-up the risks before embarking on disclosure. No one can really tell you what to do as we don't know you or your relationship well enough. What I would say is that you should have some idea about how she might feel about the whole subject of crossdressing, her beliefs and understanding of difference. Before I disclosed I knew that I had to really 'know' and accept myself, the questions and fears that would be forthcoming would need answering,exploring and re-assuring. I had a positive outcome but it doesn't mean to say that everything will be alright in the future, it's about mutual respect and transparency. Leah

[Haley Heather]

At some point years ago I made the conscious decission to be open about stuff like this with anyone I started having feeling for, while I have endured some heart ache, I found the most wonderful and accepting woman as a result.

[Rachel05]

Goodness me I used to think that it would be best to tell her and just never ever got round to it, she found me out in the end and the end result wasn't half as bad as I thought, she is not accepting and will not have anything to do with it but she knows now and so it makes it easier for me that is for sure

[GG Kathy]

Rachel you will know when the time is right, but please make sure you tell her before she finds out herself. Just make sure you remember to tell her how much you love her.

[Phoebe P.]

I've just recently started to dress en femme in front of my wife. We've known each other since we were 14 when we started dating. That was 27 years ago. You could say we know each other! It used to just be panties or stockings, but I always left clues. Finally when I started leaving nail polish and lipstick on our sheets she called me on it. I meant to put on the makeup, but didn't mean to mess up the sheets! She didn't know the extent and that's when it came rushing out. I explained a/b my childhood experiences. She was ticked at first. Grabbed a bunch of her female clothing and threw them at me. I slept in the guest room that night. She's ok now and I've been dressing nightly for a/b 3 weeks now. 90% of the time she's ok, but there are still those nights she gets moody (Like I'm one to talk a/b being moody!).

I'm not one that usually beats around the bush (as has been brought to my attention a couple of times on this board... ). I am not one who often avoids confrontation for better or worse. With me it's rip the band aid off and deal with the pain.

You have to do what is right for you. What is right for one is not right for all. Take everything with a grain of salt and do what is best for you and your wife.

[Rachel Lea]

Thank you for all of the words of wisdom and encouragement. For the past 2 years the urge to tell has been very strong and I believe If I do not tell I will be found out in the near future and that situation would be too uncontrolled. I have to be alone with my wife because I do not want my children to find out at the same time that my wife starts dealing with the news.

I know I will be able to discuss the matter better from all of the suggestions and points to consider express by all of you girls.

[Raychel]

Hello Rachel,

Telling your wife can be a very stressful thing to do. It would be best to write things down and prepare your speech as best as you can. Be sure to tell her exactly how you feel about her. And try to time it when there are no other stresses in her life. This can be a very dificult thing for any woman to deal with. Then after you tell her, give her some time to think it over, talk to her when she is ready. And go at her pace.

You know her best and I am sure that you have an idea what her reactions can be. Be prepared for anything.
I am hoping for the best for you.