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Thread: Q for married cder's who's wives are accepting of some behavior, BUT...

  1. #1
    Junior Member amazonian gg's Avatar
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    Question Q for married cder's who's wives are accepting of some behavior, BUT...

    i have a question for the married cder's who's wives who accepting of your cding to a point, but do not want any physical intimacy while you are dressed. are you happy in your marriage?"

    about me: my h told me about his cding a few years back, after we were married and had kids. while i understand that this is something he can't entirely control, and that this is something i cannot fully understand, i accept it...to a degree. i'll help him dress up and apply makeup occasionally, but i have zero desire to be intimate with him while he's dressed. we've both made concessions about cding over the years, but at times i feel like we're just settling. as though we'd be happier with someone who truly could be "that person" that would satisfy us most. on the other hand, marriage is about commitment, sacrifice and supporting your mate. it is NOT a cakewalk i realize all marriages are different, and we all bring different issues to the table. just curious about other married folks in similar situations.

    i should add that we are very happy with each another in all other areas - kids, jobs, likes/dislikes. we are also in agreement on cding as it relates to people we know, work with, our kids. it's just that cd'ing it's such a difficult subject for us intimately. for him, the years of hiding, guilt confusion and only talking to one person (me) about it. for me, hurt feelings that i wasn't told sooner, uncomfortable with the weight of being the only one that knows and that i can't give him the full support he wants/needs, so on and so forth. it's hard to talk to one another about it, even though we know complete honesty is key...so much emotion on both sides. when we don't see eye to eye, the disappointment and anger ripples out to other areas. it is a very helpless feeling sometimes.
    Last edited by amazonian gg; 03-16-2011 at 05:27 PM. Reason: forgot some info :)

  2. #2
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    My only advice to you is not to take advice. My marriage (or anyone else here) has no bearing on yours. Regardless if we are all happy, it cannot make you happier. Or if we are secretly miserable, it does nothing to ease your potential pain or confusion.

    Sadly in life we only normally figure out the answers when we are too old to make use of the wisdom or knowledge.

    The answer you seek can only be found by you and your spouse.

    As an FYI, my wife is mildly accepting and we've had many similar discussions. All we know for sure is that we love each other and value our life together. Fairytales are in
    books and not life. So we live our lives and try to live a little in-between.

  3. #3
    Junior Member amazonian gg's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jill Devine View Post
    The answer you seek can only be found by you and your spouse.
    agreed, jill. i would never base a decision on the future of my marriage by anyone's comment. nor would i take any joy away from thinking we were better off than anyone else's situation. i sincerely hope i didn't offend! i was just looking for commentary from the "shared experience" angle, that's all.

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    Member Zoe Preston's Avatar
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    I can't answer your question because my wife whilst fairly tolerant of my CDing doesn't want any involvement at all.

    The point I would make though is not to accept anything that you're not comfortable with. I think it's quite reasonable for you to say to your husband "When you're a woman - no intimacy. You're just a friend".

    We're all different. There's no rulebook that says you have to accept this or that. Personally I think it's admirable that you have been so accepting so far but I think you need to have a discussion along the lines of "This I can accept/cope with, this freaks me out a bit etc"

    My wife and I had a similar conversation, unfortunately it all freaks her out

    Zoe

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    Keep the lines of communication open! It takes time, perhaps a lifetime. Butt you have each other 2 share that with. My wife n I don't get intimate in that situation either. Albeit we have experimented it is not something she is comfortable with. I don't know if you would be comfortable with it butt, perhaps your SO needs to find some real time friends who are cd/tg. I don't mean being intimate with them, but having a friend to share with hangout with per-say.
    I have made some friends and it is a gr8 experience! As for yourself, I applaud you taking the steps to become informed, To keep the love and trust alive in your marriage! To answer the original question. Yes I am absolutely happy in my marriage! Ya so no sex'n it up when I'm gittin my girl on but that don't mean there isn't any intimacy in our relationship! My wife loves and accepts me unconditionally for who I am,She always has, and I couldn't ask for anything more then that!

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    You do present some very difficult questions and feelings. Of coarse, you have already stated the most intelligent thing, and that is that you will not base anything on anyone else's answers. Looking for experience, well, it all varies. My wife and I are best friends, and that's why we married in the first place. I told her about Jessica shortly before we got engaged. After years, and of coarse some arguments, and intense talks, and misunderstandings, we are now girlfriends when Jess is around. For me, I felt like I wanted intimate time with her while dressed. As I've matured in my own understanding and acceptance of myself, nothing could be further from the truth. I am simply not interested while dressed. How does that relate to you? It really doesn't...it's just our own personal experience.
    You are exactly right, that marriage is continuing work, and it sounds like you and your hubby have both put work into your relationship. The only thing I can add that may be of substance is that you both need to keep that up. It may take years, before you find a "meeting ground" on this topic, or it may never happen. As long as you both communicate openly and honestly with each other.

  7. #7
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    I'm lucky. My wife doesn't have a problem with being intimate when I'm dressed. It's just me in different clothing and some "face paint". If I came home from a football game with my team's colors on my face (I don't do it, but if I did) is there really a big difference? It's just makeup and at least the makeup I DO wear looks good!

    Simplistic yes, but we have so much more to worry about.

  8. #8
    The best of both worlds Kathi Lake's Avatar
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    I would never try to bring another woman into our bed - whether that woman was me or not.

    I have no need to even think about this. You sound even more accepting than my wife, but that crosses a line that I would never push. Call us vanilla. Call us boring. We don't engage in any type of play. I ensure her needs and wants are taken care of, and she does the same for me. Life is good. Why mess with that?!

    Does your spouse know your feelings on this? Although definitely embarrassing, it is something you both have to discuss for the health of your marriage.

    Phoebe, yes, there is a big difference. It's not just the clothes or makeup, it's the perceived role in lovemaking.

    Kathi

  9. #9
    Gold Member Alice B's Avatar
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    My wife and I, via very open discussion, reached a working agreement very early on, once I came out to her. I am a late in life cross dresser and we have a very strong relationship and marriage. There is no intimacy when I'm dressed. She accepts my dressing, but wishes not to participate in it. It is OK for me to dress at home, usually wit her upstairs, but on occasion in her presence. I am careful to not put her in any difficult situation. I can go out dressed. At times not having her participate frustrates me, but all things considered it is a good working relationship. Would I like more - sure. Is it going to happen - I think not. The key is give and take by both of us and always considering the others concerns and fears. Over the years (about 4 years) I have gained greater freedom by keeping her concerns in mind and not pushing too hard. She has given me the OK to go away for a week to DLV and spend a whole seek dressed due to the trust we have established. As many will say-the key is open discussion, willingness to listen to the others concerns and arriving at a workable agreement. From what you have said you are more accepting than the average SO and are to be commended for this and your willingness to come here for discussion. I wish the both of you a strong and happy relationship.

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    I guess we're just very practical. We've known each other since we were 14. She knows I'm the man and will always be. To us it's not a big deal. To each his own. To us it's me in bed, not another woman.

    There are no hard and fast answers. Every relationship is different.

  11. #11
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    Well I guess I'm somewere in the middle my Wife tollerates it but don't want to see Orchid it's a don't ask * don't tell kind of a thinggie.
    I don't need to hide anything I have things hanging in three closets and five dresser drawers.
    I dress at home and she will stay in the other part of the house and will ask if it's clear to come down stairs.
    It could be better and it could be worse I know my boundries and don't cross them.


    Orchid
    Last edited by BLUE ORCHID; 03-16-2011 at 08:47 PM.

  12. #12
    Senior Member StacyCD's Avatar
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    I would like to have sex while dressed but I know that I can't push to hard or I will meet with resistance. Patience is the key!

  13. #13
    Gender adventurer JamieG's Avatar
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    Your relationship sounds similar to the one I have with my wife. She is pretty accepting but prefers that I do most of my dressing out of her sight. We have experimented with intimacy while I was partially dressed, and it was uncomfortable for her. I do sometimes fantasize about us doing more, but I don't want to push her comfort zone. We have a very close relationship, even closer after she got over the hurt of me keeping this big secret from her. I couldn't imagine being with anyone else, even if it did give me the chance to live the fantasy: it wouldn't be her, and thus holds no interest for me. As it is, we both do a pretty good job of keeping each other happy.

  14. #14
    Making a life for Tina! suchacutie's Avatar
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    As said above, we can only give you our experiences and hope that some of these nuggets ring true with the two of you. I had no idea I was trangendered until we were into the 4th decade of our marriage. My wife and I are both fascinated with Tina (we named her jointly) and how Tina plays a part in our lives. My feminine side clearly affects me, and thus, affects our relationship. Since I started so late in life, and since my wife was a part of that revelation, I skipped the guilt and confusion that seems to be the baggage that many carry. We both recognize that Tina has always been a part of me, and that it's important to us to know her. This need has led to marvelous conversations about what it's like to grow up as a girl or a boy, the differing expectations, desires, fears, and psychologies. It's led to an increased closeness, frankly!

    We both agree that we are completely heterosexual, and, frankly, I have no idea how we'd pull off sincere intimacy with Tina invovled. After all, we've been married a long time, so we really don't need Tina's help with that. On the other hand, this frees Tina to not worry about all that stuff . Tina can dress to the nines and feel terrific and be girlfriends with my wife.

    One thought: true long-term intimacy requires trust and comfort. Even if Tina were to become involved that way, it would take a long while of being girlfriends first, and then letting things proceed naturally, if there is a natural progression. To press it is difficult in any gendered situation.

    It sounds to me like the long-term effects of guilt and not coming to grips with his feminine self is much of the issue, and that's a tough issue for everyone. That really must be addressed first, from my perspective.

    All our best wishes!

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    I explained to my wife when I told her that there was big sexual component for me dating back to puberty. She understands it and knows I don't want to have a sex change and I'm not gay. It's just a different side to my personality.

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    Senior Age Member sissystephanie's Avatar
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    I had known my late wife since I was 9 and she was 7! I told her I was a CD when before I asked her to marry me whe we were in our early 20's. She not only accepted me "as is," but fully supported me during the almost 50 years we had together. We did have very intimate moments whe I was at least partially dressed enfemme. I wore silk or satin nightgowns most of the time, and she did love me when I did!! But she always knew that I was her MAN, no matter what kind of clothing I had on!! That was a given for our whole marriage, and would be if I ever remarry!
    Stephanie

    Lady on the outside, but man underneath!

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    Member GG Kathy's Avatar
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    I think I must be the exception to the rule. I love making love to my SO when she's dressed. I find it highly erotic. I feel I have the best of both worlds, but then I thought I had the best when there was only one.

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    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by suchacutie View Post
    One thought: true long-term intimacy requires trust and comfort. Even if Tina were to become involved that way, it would take a long while of being girlfriends first, and then letting things proceed naturally, if there is a natural progression. To press it is difficult in any gendered situation.
    What a wonderful observation! Thank you for sharing this.
    Reine

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    Stephanie, you're relationship sounds much like mine. I think it has much to do with familiarity and having a history. I was pretty shy growing up and really had no history with girls besides my wife when we got together outside of kissing a girl when I was in 9th grade. The year before we met. We dated for 6 years, broke up for 6 years, got back together and were married 9 months later (not a shotgun marriage! ) We'll be married 15 years in November. We run a business together and are always together. She's my best friend and I'm her best friend. I wouldn't have it any other way. I love her with all my heart. If she has a need, I'm always open and she reciprocates. This is one of mine and she is open to it. Our relationship is the exception I'm sure. We didn't have too much baggage except for the 6 years we were apart. She had relationships, mostly bad. I was engaged. She broke up a crumbling relationship. You could say we have history which may be why she is more accepting. Intimacy for us while I'm dressed adds quite a bit of spice to the experience for me. For her, I make sure she is very well taken care of and I don't ask her to do what I know she doesn't like to do. I think she appreciates that and does what she can to satisfy me.

    Every relationship is different, but I think when you know someone (at this point) for 2/3 of your life it makes a difference!

  20. #20
    mini kilted chick t-girlxsophie's Avatar
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    My Wife loves to be Intimate with me dressed,she loves me as a whole person,whether en femme or not,We know that our feelings for each other overrides which ever way I present,Im the same person in my heart,and in hers
    We look to Scotland,for all our Ideas of Civilisation-Voltaire

    ========================================

    A woman who loves to wear beautiful clothes is like a flower.
    A man who loves to emulate these women is a special flower-a rose
    Facebook:Sophie Johnson

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    Quote Originally Posted by t-girlxsophie View Post
    My Wife loves to be Intimate with me dressed,she loves me as a whole person,whether en femme or not,We know that our feelings for each other overrides which ever way I present,Im the same person in my heart,and in hers
    I understand this completely. You sound like you have a wonderful relationship!

    It's always to each his/her own.

  22. #22
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    Over the years my wife and I have come to an understanding of what Kathies boundaries are as well as her place in our relationship. Within the ambit of the established boundaries we act entirely normal with full acceptance including intimacy whether in femme attire or not.This is where we are at after more than 40years of talking and some fighting. It didn't occur overnight and alot of give and take was involved.

  23. #23
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    Thanks so much for posting this thread and providing a woman's perspective.
    I too, am in a very similar situation where it has led to exactly where you are. It's frustrating for me but your words have helped ease my own frustration and make me more understanding of my wife.
    For me, I'll no longer push the issue and will try to maintain a lower profile.

    One thing all of us cd's have to realize is that our wives have feelings too.
    It isn't all about us.

  24. #24
    Out for a walk EricaCD's Avatar
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    What the heck - I'll unlurk for this one.

    It sounds as though our situation is quite similar to yours. My wife is probably a little less personally conflicted about my trans life, though she's also much less involved. I have never seriously considered bringing my fem side into the bedroom, because I know it would make her immensely uncomfortable.

    That's all background. You asked whether I am happy with our marriage. In a word, absolutely! I wouldn't trade our life together for anything.

    You pretty much answered your own question, I thought. I agree with you that marriage is about communication, respect, and compromise. Those are also the skills necessary to successfully navigate a transgendered life with a "partially on-board" spouse.

    And now, back into hiding...
    For photos on flickr, my user name is cd_erica_f

  25. #25
    amy wanagione's Avatar
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    Hi, my wife is accepting and she has even ventured out to a conferece. She has met my friends in drab too. As for sex while I'm dressed, we really have never talked about it. I think it is the next topic on the list. The problem is that it would be hard to do with the kids around. It would take alittle extra planning and I think it would stress her out.

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