Like Night and Day - Wife is now unaccepting

[juliecdfl]

I am not sure how it happened since lately things have been well. I have not dressed in a little while or mentioned the crossdressing. The other night in an argument it came out. My wife thinks less of me now ever since I told her about my dressing. She has been trying to accept it but is having difficulty. I told her I would give it up and throw away all of my clothes but I think the damage is done. She views me in this new light and I am not sure if that is going to change. I do not want to separate or divorce. I love her very much and we have a child just under 1 together. Any advice on how to pull things together? She said she is up for marriage counseling but nothing about sexuality or crossdressing.

...for those with the comments, I know I should have told my wife before we married. I played around with it but didn't accept or acknowledge it myself until recently. I was honest with her as soon as I was honest with myself.

[trisha59]

Things said in an argument are usually said without meaning it. But remember you did drop a pretty big bomb in her lap and it's going to take a while for her to get her head around it. Key word is communication. See if she would join this site. She can talk with other women that are going through the same thing.

[krissy]

Hi,

Sorry your going thru this i have been there twice im still married to my second wife for 35 years she cant stand that part of me .i too also tried to get rid of all my things it wont stay away.my experience is that i always go get more.maybe in time she can understand this part of you .there is hope .its a hard thing to deal with we have so much guilt and shame we hide it .its something we dont even understand ourselves .so you know its hard on your wife.just be patient and may be with some help it will work out .but if it doesn't don't hate her most women want a macho man.not a guy who wears dresses .but that doesn't mean you are worthless your unique so pick your head up .we all dress in womens clothes here and we are here for your support.I hope things work out for you both .try to have a nice day and if you want to talk we are here.God Bless

[Stephanie Miller]

Since the wife is willing, I think, the best thing to do now is go to counseling. I personally would still find a counselor that is schooled in the transgender, since it is inevitable to come out. Now with that said... I would let the counselor work it out of your wife prior to me saying anything. (And rest assured, any counselor worth thier salt would get it to come out.) Only because I feel that is what the wife would put the focus on as your intent for couseling, rather than over-all help.

[ReineD]

I'm sorry you're going through this as well. I wonder if being a new mom has anything to do with your wife wanting more traditional gender roles in the marriage.

The only advice I have is to continue talking. She needs to understand that you are not a lesser man or father just because you CD. You could suggest that she join here, but with a one year old in tow, she may not feel she has the time. I remember when my kids were little, it was difficult to carve out a decent block of time for myself.

You could also get her "My Husband Berry", by Helen Boyd and ask her to read it so that she can come to an understanding of what the CDing really is about. But first, read it yourself to see if it fits.

As for telling her you will give it up, please be careful with this. Judging by everything I read here, this is not realistic. You may be able to give it up for a while, but the urges will return. It is best to tell your wife that you will do your best to shelve it while the two of you work on how to manage the CDing in your marriage.

And marital counseling may help you with the right counselor, if not in getting your wife to embrace the CDing, then perhaps in helping her to understand that you have the right to express a fundamental part of yourself and it doesn't take away from being a husband and father, nor does it change who you've been all along ... the man that she fell in love with.

I wish you and your wife all the best.

[rachaelsloane]

Julie,
I was 6 years into my marriage until I told my wife but my daughter was 5. I would focus on raising the baby and agree to go to counseling but it will not be totally effective if everything is not expressed.
Rachael

[HannahDLuv]

i may be young, and not have any real insight into these things. but i would say counseling would be a great way to go

find a person you can see together as well as separately, that way anything either of you are uncomfortable talking about the counselor can help bridge that gap.

also when you mentioned that she didn't want to talk about sexuality or crossdressing, it seems like she may think you are gay or bi. or that may one of her fears. so it might be a good idea to find a way to put those fears to rest.

hope everything works out and good luck, love should prevail in the end.

[juno]

My wife is totally accepting of me, but fears what others might think. With young children, women are instinctively protective. She may be worried how it will affect a child to be raised in an environment with a non-traditional role model. IMHO, it probably is a good thing to learn that it is OK to be different, although it can also cause embarrassment or shame. It is definitely important to discuss, and find out what her fears are.

[Jessica_Dillon]

Julie,
I'm so sorry to hear this. It is big news to her, and it is probably something she has been dwelling on since you told her. It is something she doesn't yet understand, or sees as something weird and therefore is not willing to understand. She can't talk to her friends, family, coworkers, children...anyone about it except you...and you already know. She feels as if she has to bear this burden alone. YES!!! Take her up on counseling. As stated earlier though, I think it prudent to also look for a counselor that may have some background in Transgender. It WILL come up, and if the counselor is not prepared to for this topic, it will probably be labeled as your problem. Good luck, and be her husband, and give her time to think about this...lots of time.

[Alice B]

Just be calm. Things will work themself out. It takes time and discussion. Honest/open discussion.

[StacyCD]

My SO at first only wanted don't ask don't tell. Now I can dress at home pretty much as I would like. It took a while but she has come around. She doesn't seem interested in participating but I can wear whatever I want to bed. I only wish it didn't take so long to get to this point but slow and steady wins the race!

[PretzelGirl]

Generally people need to vent a lot to feel better about things they are having trouble processing. Let me throw an alternate idea out that can go with counseling or by itself (counseling is far and away the best option). Ask her if there is a friend she would like to tell. If she is having trouble because she doesn't have a person she is close to to talk to outside of you, then she might welcome this. One of the worst things we do when we tell our wives is burden them with our secret. Give her someone to tell and lift that burden. The extra effect is that this can help her talk through it with someone she is comfortable with.

Is there danger in this? Certainly. The two considerations I would think of is first, that the friend can go around telling other people. Once the cat is out of the bag, it isn't going back. The other is that if the friend is entirely against CDing, then the friend might steer her the wrong way.

Think it over. This could be another tool to help you both work through this.

[darla_g]

I am convinced in the heat of an argument the subject of crossdressing becomes ammunition.

[sissystephanie]

Julie, you have received some pretty good advice regarding going to counseling! However, there is one thing that only you can do!! That is to let your wife know that you are always her man, no matter what clothes you have on!! I told my late wife, whom I had known since childhood, that I was a CD before I asked her to marry me. I told her also that I would always be her Man!! She accepted me "as is," and supported my CD activities until cancer took her several years ago. We had almost 50 years together as husband and wife, lovers, and as two girl friends!! Yes, we did go out as 2 girls because when she made me up and fixed my wig I was totally passable!! She was very good!! If you 2 really love each other, you can work through this!!

[kimdl93]

I agree with everything above. Foremost, I'd counsel patience. Second, I'd acknowledge that you have changed in your wife's perception. This may sting a bit in the heat of the moment, but may not entirely a bad thing in the long run.

[KarenCDFL]

Dear Julie,

We are also in South Florida.

I am so sorry to hear this is happening in your marriage.

This is exactly what happed to me in my first marriage. At first she was OK and then later used it to crucify me. Needless to say that marriage is long over.

On the good side for me and my current wife of over 15 years, she is totally accepting and helps as well. But this is with many years of therapy which we still go to at least on a monthly basis to help both of us tackle all the things in our lives.

I would highly recommend that the both of find a therapist that you can both trust. You may find after awhile it may or may not be the dressing that is at the core of the issue.

I wish you both the very best!

[juliecdfl]

Dear Julie,

We are also in South Florida.

I am so sorry to hear this is happening in your marriage.

This is exactly what happed to me in my first marriage. At first she was OK and then later used it to crucify me. Needless to say that marriage is long over.

On the good side for me and my current wife of over 15 years, she is totally accepting and helps as well. But this is with many years of therapy which we still go to at least on a monthly basis to help both of us tackle all the things in our lives.

I would highly recommend that the both of find a therapist that you can both trust. You may find after awhile it may or may not be the dressing that is at the core of the issue.

I wish you both the very best!

Do you know of any therapists that you could recommend? My searches are coming up empty for therapists with experience in crossdressing.

[Anne2345]

Hi Julie! I agree with much that has been said in response to your thread, but in particular, I agree with ReineD. She is spot on. Moreover, although you did not say how long ago you told your wife, from the context of your thread, I am assuming that it has been recently. If that is the case, acceptance does not necessarily happen over night. At least for me, it did not. It was a topic that my wife and I worked very hard to resolve together, to our eventual mutual satisfaction and acceptance. It was difficult. It took a lot of time and work. She went back and forth on her opinion. But in the end, it worked out, and was worth every minute of all of the time and effort put into resolving the issue. I am sure you know your wife better than anyone else, so only you can judge as to the best way to handle this, ie, counseling, additional communication, etc. But there is certainly an amazing amount of advice on this forum, and I hope that you are able to utilize and apply it. Also, there is no shame going to counseling. Counselors are trained by experience and education to deal with such marital controversies. I really hope it works out for you, and I wish you the best of luck.

[silhouette]

maybe you could start overcompensating. start hunting and killing things, pick up cigars, make ignorant comments about those different than you, and never admit you're wrong.

[Joanne f]

I would agree with ReineD in that it could have some bearing on the fact that you have a 1 year old as all sorts of things could be going through your wife`s head at the moment , one of them being rejection due to the young child but i personally would not recommend getting her the book " MY Husband Betty " at the moment as that could upset your wife even more if you are not up to Betty`s degree of dressing and do more harm than good, if you are then maybe i am wrong on that , other than that talk when your wife wants to and be honest and open as surprises in the future will not help ether .
If your wife does not want to chat about cross dressing in the counseling then it sounds like she has other concerns but i think it is going to be difficult to keep it out of it .

[juliecdfl]

So an update - thank you for some of the people who messaged about counseling. I have found the name and number of a counselor who may be able to help. I plan on calling this week to set something up. Hopefully all goes well as things have been very tough between my wife and myself in the past few days.

[AKAMichelle]

First off things must be talked out. Saying you will throw things out will only lead to another battle at a later date. We all seem to restart after every purge. Only by talking it out will the issue ever find a solution. Throwing things out should not be a part of the discussion.

Wives go through many phases on the way to accepance. There is no way to know if she will make it all the way through the process or stop in the middle. This is where you need to help her and it won't be easy. Good luck.

[Stephanie47]

Good luck! Through this counseling process and resolution of the issue, do NOT deny your inner self. You can purge your clothing, but, you cannot purge your inner self. You cannot live in torment. Do not expect your wife to live in torment also. If you truly know each other, both of you will know what the other is thinking without speaking. You'll see it in the eyes, the body languish, the interactions. The question will be whether or not the other qualities you possess will more than offset your fetish. But, do NOT spend a life of hell trying to accommodate somebody else. You'll end up living a life of self denial.

[AmyGG]

Hi. I am sorry you and your wife are going through a bad patch. Try talking to her about what aspects she finds unacceptable and may be you can work towards some boundaries to help keep her in her comfort zone. This is what me and my hubby did and continue to do. He has clothes that he is able to wear around the house that could actually pass as male so that the children are not aware but then he has allocated times when he can be enfemme. These times are subject to change both ways as sometimes (time of the month, etc) I am not happy with him in any female gear except knickers and then sometimes Im a bit more easy going and he can dress full femme once the children are in bed. May be thats the issue - what the baby will make of a daddy dressing like a female or any other family or friends finding out, hence the not wanting to tell the councellor about CDing. This is a huge problem for the SO, its such a huge thing and who have we got within our circle to talk to. That is why this forum is so good. It might be a good idea for her to have a look and see that she is not alone - that was a huge release for me just knowing that we are not the only ones in this situation and it is really quite common. Most importantly, give her time. It has taken me 8 months to get to this level of acceptance and I am always trying hard to maintain it and make my views clear to my hubby. She, like me, needs her man and needs to know you love her and need her and that there are no other surprises to come. She may be scared that you are really a female in a males body and would prefer to be with a man yourself (this was one of the thoughts that crossed my time at my husbands revelation) - make it clear where you stand and that you are still the same man. Anyhow, good luck with it all and take care of your wife and little one, after all they are the most important things in your world.

[Sue101]

I doubt your wife has changed her mind. Most likely she was confused and at sea with her thoughts and went along for a while trying to show support but now that she has gathered her thoughts on the matter she is now revealing her true feelings. Just as crossdressers often hid their behavior to shield their partner so wives often can hid their distaste to protect our feelings.

The solution is more education and communication and trying to pin down why she dislikes crossdressing. Revealing the source of the prejudice will hopefully make her understand that supporting you is the right thing to do and it is the majority viewpoint that is wrong. She needs to see these points clearly so as to have the confidence and strength to go against normalcy.