What criteria do you use to tell or not someone of your cd'ing.

[AKAMichelle]

I know I am really digging deep in the questions lately. I just had a funny incident happen up at Walmart. This woman works at the customer service department and has waited on me several times. One of the times I was returning a bra and panties. She knows my wife so assumed they belonged to her. Now this incident started many months ago when I was returning those items. She tried to make me uncomfortable and I just went with it. Told her I didn't like the bra since it didn't give me enough support. Then I went on to say that I just didn't like the panties and proceeded to ask her if she thought I should switch to thongs. Now she laughed for a long time that night, but everytime since we have rehashed the bra and panties night. My wife got a little uncomfortable about the tone of the comments and thought that she suspected that I was a cd'er. So I asked her tonight what she thought. She immediately started telling how nervous men are returning things for their wives and she likes to play with them.

So there I was with a perfect opportunity to tell her about Michelle but I chose not to. I did so because of my wife even though another person in the store already knows that I am a cd'er. I would normally have told the woman about my cd'ing, but I chose not to. So it got me questioning how I decide who to tell and who not to tell.

So what are ya'll thoughts about this? Have you ever felt like you told the wrong person later?

[Lissa Stevens]

I haven't told anyone, yet. Some may suspect but until they ask..... I have felt many out on the subject, including my wife, and they are judgmental and mean about it so I saty quiet.

[sissystephanie]

My wife knew about me being a CD because I told her before we married. I have told SA's in some stores, and have never had any problem from doing so. Have no idea what the SA's talk about between themselves, but I am sure that they do talk about crossdressing men at times. But I don't care! I crossdress becasue I like to, no one is forcing me to do it!!

I guess the criteria I use to decide who to tell is the person her/him self! I am a pretty good judge of people so just make my own decision!!

[NathalieX66]

My best friend & wife & kids know.
We are also going to a steam punk convention, and he insisted I show up en femme.....ok, fine, I'll do it.
I took a gamble by posting my femme self on my guy FB page, I didn't get any negative comments, just plenty of positive ones. Whether or not there was any negative results I truly don't know, but i accept it if there are negative responses.....par for the course.

Not everyone is accepting, but some (like my best friend) are.

Maybe small doses is the best way.

[t-girlxsophie]

loving all your recent posts Michelle,they certainly cause us to use our brain matterTold my second wife as didnt wanna make same mistakes as did first time around as have stated here many times she knew straight away.Most ppl that I have told are work colleagues (most)that I have worked with for many years,I just through chatting with them get to know a lot of what makes them tick and when i feel comfortable with them I tell them.At Best I have made really good friends who are interested in hearing about Sophie and i havent had any negatives back from anyone.the worst is prob just indifference and not caring to know anything more

[AllieSF]

A complete stranger with little chance of knowing someone I know (I am not out to family, friends nor ex-work mates) I would tell if I felt like it in that moment. I see no reason to hide anything from them, except for my mood at the moment. Anyone that knows and I think may have a chance to know the above people, would not be told anything. I am single and have no one that "needs" to know. So, all the rest just really depend on my feelings at the moment/opportunity to tell. I don't dwell on that. I keep it simple.

[suchacutie]

Simple....I ask my wife.

[kimdl93]

OK, I don't think its a stretch to say that most of the SAs I know are pretty well aware that I'm a CDer. I make it clear when I'm buying hose, lingerie or clothing for myself. I'm not sure that counts - its their job.

Now on a personal level...let's see those I've told: my wife, my x wife, my x mother inlaw, my step daughter (youngest), my sisters, my mom, the lady next door, a couple of women I work with....but I don't just tell anyone, only those people I care for and trust.

[AKAMichelle]

So far everyone in my family knows except my mother and brother. I don't really care if they find out, but my mom doesn't need the worry so I probably won't tell her. Most people know about me in the general public and even one client. I thought it was fascinating that I couldn't figure out a pattern for who I told and not so I wrote this post to see if ya'll were the same.

[Rachel Mari]

I having this same question going on in my head for the last six months.

I'm getting ready to go out of town to work for 5 weeks and I'm planning on renting a room from a woman I've known for about 20 years. I've stayed with her a couple times before. She knows my wife pretty well and has met our kids. Two years ago I would have never thought of telling anyone (my wife knows) but lately I'm really starting to want to tell a friend.

I don't really have any close friends anymore. So I'm wondering if I would regret telling her. Worst case is she gets upset and asks me to find another place to stay. Which would be too bad because we get along pretty well as roommates.

I'll ask to my wife and see what she thinks.

[closetslave1]

Only those I know that are open minded and accepting, I disclose my crossdressing to. These tend to be people that know other TV's CD'rs, or they are people I have known for years that I trust implicitely. That said, I have not and probably do not wish to tell my daughter, for some reason I dont wish to shatter her perception of me being anything other than good ol dependable, protective and masculine 'Dad', regardless of the fact that I know deep down that she would accept me whatever. Maybe I will tell her one day...

But anyway, I told my girlfriend almost immediately we began dating, I figured that if it was going to cause a problem then we'd better know now rather than later. Needless to say she was accepting off the bat, the fact that she had shared a house with a TS for six months no doubt being a factor in that. Generally though, I trust my instincts. I seem to know who is going to be accepting and who is not and I go with that. It has never let me down yet ;-)

[Cynthia Anne]

I only tell the ones that have a reason to know! Which so far is none! To the rest of the world it's obivous! If they don't like it I say,"If you don't like the way I'm livin', you just leave this long haired country girl alone!

[Debra Russell]

I think it's a need to know basis. My wife knows my grand daughter Knows ( and participates ) my employee knows and others maybe suspect. I have a close friend that has seen pics of me dresses -- for halloween you know -- even said how I looked better than most but really doesn't want to suspect anything further. I think it's really about how comfortable you feel with yourself.

[2B Natasha]

An interesting question. Plus you are right. In my case there seems to be no rhyme or reason to whom I tell. Yet there is.When I was in the closet, I of course told no one. I tried to tell the wife, now X wife, that goodness. But hat didn't go over so well. So when we decided to separate from each other I made the decision that people that I would be rebuilding my life around would have to know. That way I wouldn't be starting friendships with people that I would later have to leave when they found out, and they would have found out. All was well and good and until it got to the telling part. That was much harder. So in the end. the people I have told have been my future wife. Told her within about 20 minutes of meeting her. Then I proceeded to tell my two best girlfriends. Platonic girlfriends, from High school. I'm 43 know so that is how long I have known them. Then on to tell several other people. Almost all women. I have not told any of my Male friends. I don't think they would care in the end. I have shown up at poker nights and fantasy football parties with painted toes and flip flops. And when I say painted toes I mean I generally have several colors and flowers done on them. I have so far received 1, yes 1 comment in 3 years. I remember it. " Nice Nails " nothing was ever said again. There is lady I work with who got fed up with anther employee not cottoning on to certain things and she blurted up. " he's a cross dresser! "" Thats' why " Funny part there is I never said a word to her. She just puzzled it all together herself. Smart lady. So in the end I have told about a dozen or so and they have told there SO's. that does not count the SA's that I deal with. There must be dozens of them. So far. Not a negative comment or a friend lost. It will happen one day I am sure. That will be sad, but that is life.

OH ya. the pattern. All females. New fiends and old. no males.

[BRANDYJ]

The only wrong person I ever told was my one brother. It was at a very low point in my life and foolishly decided to tell him why I always demanded he call before stopping by. He had wanted to stop by just a few days before and called me only when he was within shouting distance from my house. I told him that was like not calling in advance at all. I was not dressed fem or anything, but let it be known I was not happy with his half hearted way of calling in advance. He left in a huff. So I sent him a long e-mail about the many issues I was facing at the time and foolishly told him I have been a CD since age 10 or so. He wrote back and said he loved me, but could not have that kind of thing in his life. He is one of those "born again" (the worst kind) that gets brainwashed by his church's teachings. It's been nearly 3 years since I've seen or heard from him. So much for brotherly love. Is it any wonder why I do not like any organized religions?
On a brighter note, every friend I've calculated would be understanding, accepting and real friends have not treated me any differently then before I told them. In some cases the friendship has become even closer since we have no secrets from each other. So I only regret telling one person in my life.

[Sarah Doepner]

I stand my the "need to know, right to know" philosophy. But I also realize that I need to reevaluate the criteria from time to time. When I was in the closet to my wife there were other Crossdressers who knew my girl side and that was all. After my wife found out and I got involved in a local support group, that group has expanded somewhat. Now there are other CDer's who have seen both sides and both me and my wife are comfortable with that. Eventually my adult children will be in on this, but the need isn't there yet. I really don't want to surprise them when the clean out the closet after I die. But at this time I don't have anything in my crossdressing life that they have to know about and there is no real benefit from sharing that information. So the key in sharing has to be where the benefit lies. If I don't get anything out of it, why share? If by sharing I get more flexibility or if my wife decides she needs someone to talk to about this, there is a benefit and I feel comfortable with the disclosure. There are lots of different levels of sharing. If I tell the SA I'm a crossdresser will it insure a better fit or better match for my makeup? If I tell my longtime male best friends they aren't going to ask me to go to a ball game dressed en femme or bring my things camping, so there is no benefit for any of us in that. It's a selfish philosophy, but is that bad in this situation?

[BethCD]

There aren't too many people I feel safe in telling. Wife knows, our mailgirl sort of knows. I heard her deliver our mail while I was wearing a skirt, girl top, and girl sandals, no wig, makeup. I opened the door to get the mail and said Hi and we talked briefly. Not sure what she thought but we've been friendly since so it couldn't have affected her too badly....
I suspect my neighbor lady might know as she may have seen me in backyard several times, and as I trust her, if she were to knock on our door while I was dressed I think I'd answer it.
As you can see there aren't any males on my list of trusted people.
Beth

[Sometimes Steffi]

So my wife knows I CD, but she doesn't know the full extent. In fact, she probably only knows the tip on the ice berg, and even at that, she barely tolerates. We're definately in the DADT phase.

So I compartmentalize everything. I haven't told anyone in my family. I make it a point to not tell anyone with 1 degree of separation, like someone who knows my wife, or 2 degrees of separation, like someone who knows someone who knows my wife. I also don't tell any co-workers, partially because I don't want them to know themselves, and partially because they would be 1st or second degree of separation.

So who knows? My CD friends, my therapists, my minister, my marital councelor, my tailor, my wig ladies, some SAs must have figured it out, eBay sellers, the girls at the clothing swap I attend as Steffi, maybe even the post office clerk and the cou[le who run my storage facility. But very few of them have seen both sides of me, and if they have, they might just have a first name on maybe a cell phone number. Few of them have much information that can connect my boy mode and girl mode, but I guess that could be figured out on the Internet.

[Rachel Morley]

Have you ever felt like you told the wrong person later?

Yes. It was about 10 years ago and before I was married. I was on vacation with my best friend at the time (a GG) it was just the two of us in a resturant fairly late at night. I can't remember the exact criteria as to why I chose to tell her. I thought she would be so accepting because she is a really cool gal and someone who generally is very easy going. Boy, was I wrong about her! Her initial and immediate reaction (probably because of where we were) was rather nonplussed and relaxed about it all, but over breakfast the next morning she said she hoped it wouldn't effect our friendship but she thought I should seek professional help as clearly I needed to "get something done about it". To say I was disappointed in her attitude was the understatement of the century!

[LeeAnnRose]

For me the answer is trust, absolute trust of the other person. Right now it is my wife and my therapist, I don't see that changing anytime soon. Of course that is also where my comfort zone ends.

Looking at the names and locations on this board I see a different response based on each person's level of comfort with themselves and those around them.