Hmm, have you ever discussed this with her? Something that makes you feel that bad should be of concern to her, but is she even aware of it?Originally Posted by AKAMichelle
Hmm, have you ever discussed this with her? Something that makes you feel that bad should be of concern to her, but is she even aware of it?
Michelle, This is a great thread! There is a radio talk show host, named Dennis Prager, that dedicates one hour a week, to "The Ultimate Issues" hour! This reminds me of that. You really got us thinking, and this is spiritual stuff! Like you, I am in a "crisis" mode in my life. Had to move 2000 miles, to help my very controlling , harsh father, and help my harsh handicapped sister, and see my mom dying in a nursing home. They both are 90, now, and i did not think they would still be alive now! It has taxed me with guilt, stress, pain, sleepless nights, feeling overwhelmed, even suicidal. I am not working, as i gave up my small business in Tacoma Wa. I struggle with dressing, at this time, because i feel it is keeping me away from my parents needs, some. And, I have a strong reason, to believe my dad has a few nylon fetishes, and may have dressed in the closet, but would never admit it. I now go to 12 step groups, and they have helped some. We are all terminal, and can only do so much. If you are a person, who lives by the golden rule, and treats others the way you would like to be treated, and are a force for good, and compassion, and hates oppression, and sacrifices of yourself, for your wife, and others, and animals, you have done great things, even if small. I sometimes feel sad, that I never got to marry a right lady, at all, but, am accepting, that it may never be, so i try to treat my cats well, and strangers. I hope you and your wife can compromise, accept.
I've see so many pieces of advice, I think I may have seen this one already on another thread. "If you are having these feelings, your wife may be feeling the same thing." Your openness and ability to speak to everyone may be the calling card for your wife to go further into seclusion. You mentioned your Italy trip, are you still taking the same degree of time in man mode or did your trip turn to a Michelle only event?
If you have reached the Pikes Peak of your marriage then maybe it is time for a solid discussion. If as Stephanie stated you love your wife more, maybe this talk with her will help you gain more perspective on where your destiny is taking you.
Follow your heart...it led you to here.
My wife is the same way. Very frustrating.
Michelle
You would like to be a motivational speaker in what field, your business domain or to TG groups? And why would you have to give up the CDing if your wife remains in your life? Is she not supportive of the CDing now?
The travel: can you not travel alone if your wife won't go with you? It would, after all, be her choice to stay at home.
Sorry if I missed something.
Reine
It is her attitude about things. I often think she is my greatest project but sadly I failed all of these years. She still sees the world as half empty. I love her but I can't deal with her negative thoughts. She claims that it is just part of her nature and sees no reason to change. Therefore I have dealt with this for 27 years. She has gotten worse over the years.
In the Poseidan Adventure she would have been one of those people to stay in the dining area instead of going with the preacher and heading for the bottom of the boat. I would have been that preacher leading the others to the bottom of the boat. That causes a lot of conflict on the little things. I am leaving today for Chicago. I am spending the entire weekend as Michelle and have heard multiple times how it is a mistake to go there and spend all of the money that I am. I earn the money and the money doesn't affect the payment of the bills, but she finds and has found over the years every way to make me feel guilty when I have fun out in a different town without her.
It is an issue which seems to have no solution. I don't know what I am going to do about it yet so I stay where I am until I can. This is just one of the little things which add to being miserable with her and without her.
Michelle
Its got to be a dillemma. There's certainly no easy answer, but I think you're trip to Chicago is a step in the right direction. Try not to yeild to your wife's attempt to lay guilt on you. As you said, you earned the money, so as long as the bills are paid, its pretty much your call. Invite her along, and if she declines, so be it. Go do your thing. Next time, same thing. Either she'll learn to join in and enjoy life or she won't.
She does sound as if she is afraid of something, but of what, I don't know. I understand your frustration.
Would it make any difference if she went off on her own weekend doing whatever it is that she likes while you are in Chicago? She could go visit a friend or a grown-up child, or a have a weekend at a women's spa or retreat or something.
Or maybe this is just about family budgeting? If there are funds for the bills, other funds for retirement, and then discretionary funds, could she not be brought to see that you both are free to spend your share of the discretionary funds as you see fit?
Sorry, Michelle. It's in my genes to try to find solutions, I'm afraid. I'll stop now.
Reine
Michelle, I have to say that you sound in a position not unlike my own father, and I think in his way , he was happiest when he knew that he was dying from cancer. I don't think that this situation will ever change for you. It sounds as though you need to find the courage to end your marriage, though I hate to suggest that. After 27 years, it seems pretty clear that your situation won't change and you know that. My father knew it would never change for him, but as a Catholic, divorce was not an option. Best wishes on making some difficult decisions.
She hasn't been home for 4 years to see her parents. That is because of her fear to fly. This summer she is finally going to go home. There will be enough money for her, but she will put it off.She does sound as if she is afraid of something, but of what, I don't know. I understand your frustration.
Would it make any difference if she went off on her own weekend doing whatever it is that she likes while you are in Chicago? She could go visit a friend or a grown-up child, or a have a weekend at a women's spa or retreat or something.
Or maybe this is just about family budgeting? If there are funds for the bills, other funds for retirement, and then discretionary funds, could she not be brought to see that you both are free to spend your share of the discretionary funds as you see fit?
Sorry, Michelle. It's in my genes to try to find solutions, I'm afraid. I'll stop now.
Michelle
I think it would be fair to say that CDing is a part of you, not a part of your life, and if you have some higher purpose then it might be Michelle's destiny.
Michelle, I've struggled with this question my whole short life over every small pleasure I've enjoyed; reading, playing games, spending time with friends, traveling, studying, or dating. I always find things to do instead of achieving my long term goals. It's not the fault of each thing I enjoy; it's my fault for somehow being short-sighted. "I should read less" is not true, it isn't my real problem. If I am spending too much time CDing, CDing is not the reason I'm avoiding my goals, CDing is just the method.I have also felt that cd'ing is standing between me and my destiny.
We are meant to achieve great things by virtue of our wonderful potential as humans. "Great" is defined by what brings us the deepest happiness, over the whole term of our life. It can be hard to know whether we're on the right path, because great things never happen all at once. Great events like the discovery of pennicilin or landing on the moon are decades of work in the making. Sometimes a great thing resulting from such work is less visible but just as important, such as raising a healthy, happy child, or keeping a small business running over decades.
Happiness itself is an achievement. I'm not sure how to get the most of it, but I'm done beating myself up over my simple pleasures. I'll enjoy myself without feeling guilty, while I try to figure things out. I think that trying things will also help me learn faster.
Obviously this thread has become more about marital issues than the original question posed in the title. I'm usually a proponent of working through such problems, and believe that doing so can pay off for both partners in the long run, but that's not my business. It's a choice you'll have to make, I just hope it is a compassionate one.
As for the original question, I've been dressing and going out for more than a decade now, and have just recently been able to admit to myself that gender-bending can indeed get in the way of an otherwise satisfying life. Expressing my gender identity has been important to me, but it has hardly been satisfying. The reality is that our society does marginalize us, and we marginalize ourselves when we succumb, often for good reasons, to the secrecy and isolation CDing necessitates. If a CDer is content with a rather solitary existence then the marginalization may not be a big problem, but I had high hopes for friendships and love etc, which just haven't materialized they way I'd wished. I am forever changed inside by my discoveries about myself and my experiences, but honestly, I really don't see this going anywhere, and I am tired of the secrecy and isolation. Not sure what the future holds at this point.
As for your interest in a public life and a destiny, my only comment is that if you are envisioning such activities apart from CDing, you might give some thought to the potential for exposure for anyone in the spotlight. If that's what you truly want more than anything else, you might have to give up some things in return or it could conceivably all coming crashing down around you. Just a thought.
Re: the original question. If crossdressing is holding you back from achieving something, I would point out that there is a difference between taking a break and purging. If, for example, you have to finish a novel for a deadline -- then cancelling the photosession you had planned for Saturday night is something you can do to concentrate on the task. Remove distractions from the task at hand. This isn't the same as quitting crossdressing forever.
Re: Destiny. You don't know what it is yet. This seems clear. Time to explore!
Re: the thread. The issue with your wife seems like a very large concern and wish you the best in how you express your feelings to her and your role in helping her overcome fear.
I can best say that crossdressing has at least kept me from getting some things done that would further me in my life's pursuits. Instead of working on them, I tend to crossdress, and wind up wasting the time. Other than the obvious "peace of mind" contribution to my well-being, crossdressing does little in the way of anything productive for me.
As for that wife slant you mentioned, I too have a non-supporting wife, and I have at times wondered just what I'd be doing with myself (crossdressing-wise) were she not around. However, there is no escaping that she is the greatest benefit I have in my life, supportive or not. I love her, and I won't do without her. The heck with crossdressing!
Any money found in the laundry is MINE!
"This is no social crisis....this is me having fun!"
www.flickr.com/photos/tgmarla/
Interesting thread! I always wonder if I should be out there more looking for a girlfriend instead of CD'ing. Or that CD'ing has become a substitution for a girlfriend.
While I'm CD'ing I don't do anything productive...just enjoy dressed en femme.
Last edited by MissBobbi; 04-15-2011 at 10:23 AM.
If anything holds me back, it is the closed minded minds of those that would limit me based on the manner which I choose to dress or appear.
"I am not altogether on anyone's side as no one is all together on my side"
Tree beard. Lord of the Rings, The Two Towers.
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