Does your wife worry that you look "too good" when dressed?

[Jamie Parks]

I have been living with my wife(I call her my wife but we have never been married)for 10 years now and she has known about Jamie for years before that, and I never thought that was a problem she is a big beautiful woman and has never shown any sign of liking cute outfits or anything overly girly, but, the other day we were both sitting in the computer room and I was looking at this site and this post came up, I mentioned the title to her and made a joke about her being jealous about how I look (because she always tells me my clothing choices at not to her taste) but I could read her expression like a book, she is, she couldn't even come up with a response just silence. I often dress very skimpy for her(and for me too)and she never seems impressed, never even thought she might be jelous...I think I will try to be a bit more sensitive when I fish for complements. I wish I could get her to get a bit more healthy, myself and friends have tryed to get her out for walks when the weather is nice for some exercise or to ask a doctor why she is so big(she only eats about half what I do but I am half her size) but she wont do anything. But anyway I never thought it was a problem but this post proved that it is.

[ReineD]

Jamie, if your wife is overweight and she feels bad about herself because of it, I guarantee you that she would feel bad being compared to anyone who is skinny, whether it is a GG or a CD. It's not about a wife being "jealous" that her husband is "hotter" than she is. It is more about the way she feels about herself.

Do you ever let her know how beautiful you think she is?

[PetiteDuality]

My wife doesn't know about my CD, and thus she has never seen me dressed.

But I think women might be concerned for two reasons:

1) They might think that they are not feminine enough and that we are trying to compensate for something they lack. In my opinion, this is unfunded. I had something similar once that I shaved my legs. My wife was concerned because "now she has to shave more often". I really have no complaint about her legs, but she perceived as I'm raising the bar. I'm not raising the bar, I'm just a hairy ape and need to shave parts of my legs where she doesn't have to think about shaving, and more often for not having 5 o'clock beard in my legs.

2) They might perceive that we are getting to good at it, and that a transition is feasible. If you are ugly as myself, then this is not an issue. But if you start looking to good as a girl, the SO might be worried about a CD transitioning.

Honestly, I think that them being jealous and envious about how we look as CDs is not more than a pink fog illusion.

Unless a CD transitions, will never fully look as a woman. No matter if is skinnier, have "better legs" or any other good traits. It's not about individual features, it's about a whole.

[Sammy777]

I'm on the verge of telling my wife.
One thing I'm concerned about is just how GOOD I look as Dana.
My wife is reaching an age in which insecurities about her own looks are starting to emerge.

WOW
Holy Frackin Hanna the PINK FOG is strong in this one Obi-Wan

Let me guess?????
You haven't told her yet because you're trying to save her the anguish of not being the "GOOD" looking one of the couple???

Oh, Ya and be sure to mention how much better you think you look then her when dressed.
I am totally sure that will swing things in your favor during the conversation and make her turn the corner to acceptance that much quicker.

They are forms!!!!

I tried my SO's on once,
I felt like a sex kitten, and had I gotten a sexy, low cut mini dress and gone to a nightclub wearing a cascading, platinum blonde wig down to my mid-back, and 6 inch stilettos with the sheerest of sheer black nylons, I would have garnered TONS of attention. LOL.

I am sure you garner plenty of attention where ever you go sweety.
No matter what you happen to be wearing

[Sammy777]

Sorry for "re-arranging" the order of your post a bit to streamline my responses.

1) She [My wife] accepts my dressing but has rules,
one of which includes no makeup when I am with her and dressed.

2) My wife knows I dress but not that I actually work as a woman.

3) I would love to tell her of my office life but that is non-negotiable
- but not something I am willing to give up.

4) I think sometimes she is jealous of the way I look but I could be wrong.

1) Did you ever think that even though she "accepts" that you dress and even lets you do it around/with her that she just might like to be able to still see her man behind the clothes?

2)So what you are saying here is that you finally came clean to your wife about your CD'ing [and She is accepting of it!]
then no sooner do you turn right around and start lying to her all over again about when and where you do it.

And just how do you think your pulling off being able to go to work everyday dressed like that?????
Do you think she really doesn't notice or know?

Wow you are a keeper!

3) "Non-Negotiable" to Whom?
You? Because you don't want to stop doing it. or
Her? Because you know she will not agree with you doing it?

So apparently, in order to continue doing this you are all to happy to just keep lying to your otherwise accepting wife because it might interfere with your work dressing.

Once again: Wow you are a keeper!

4) While I do not know what your wife looks like -
I am going to venture a wild guess here and say - NO!

Answer me this general question:
Why do SOOOOOOO many of you [You meaning CD'ers in general]
spend years or decades trying to hide this from your wives,
then you tell her [or get found out] just to find out that she is actually an accepting person do you go right back to lying [again!]
Just because you feel your wife, the woman you lied to for years and who's trust you betrayed, is being "Unfair" or "slow to come around" in her acceptance of you by asking that you [now] respect her, and her wishes by doing, or not doing certain things around her, or in public.

I see so many on here wishing their SO was accepting as others.
Then I see the ones who have accepting SO continue to lie, evade, and otherwise push the boundaries because what you have never seems to be enough, its only just one more thing, one more thing, come'on honey please.

This takes the phrase: "Give you an inch you take a mile" to the extremes!

But yet, none of you [in this position] seem to realize it until it is too late and she is walking out the door.
And still after that happens - SOMEHOW?!? It is still HER fault??

IDK? Help me out here "ladies" am I missing something?

[Kathi Lake]

Help me out here "ladies" am I missing something?

Nope. I think you hit it squarely on the head with a rather large mallet. But if we ignore the pain (or lie and say it doesn't exist) I'm sure it'll go away.



Kathi

[ReineD]

Sorry Danam, but I have to set the record straight with what actually goes through a wife's mind when she feels insecure about her husband's form of CDing. Actually, this might help with your situation as well.

1) They might think that they are not feminine enough and that we are trying to compensate for something they lack.

First, a woman knows that she is feminine. She knows no other way of being. It is the CDers who do all the measuring. lol

I do agree with your second premise though, but you need to go deeper: a wife would believe that her husband is trying to compensate for something she lacks, but only if the husband behaves in a manner that gives her the message that she is lacking.

Early in the relationship the husband's focus normally is on the wife (as her focus is on him). If over time his focus increasingly switches to his own femme appearance especially if it is a style that is different than his wife's, and at the same time he has stopped letting her know that she still turns him on (and they don't communicate about this), don't you think she'd be justified in feeling that he thinks she is lacking something?

2) They might perceive that we are getting to good at it, and that a transition is feasible.

A wife will believe that a husband wants to transition if his time and attention is increasingly taken up with the business of being femme. For example, if he wants to dress almost full time, this would be an indication that he might want to be a woman full time. It's hard to set down all the different possible degrees of CDing in just this paragraph, but if he dislikes spending time as a guy or if he does so reluctantly in order to appease his wife, then yes, she may well believe he wants to transition. It has absolutely nothing to do with how successful he is with his presentation.

My SO can switch back and forth at will, it doesn't take her long to do this, she is beautiful when she does, and we go out together dressed frequently. He also enjoys being his guy self when he is a guy. He doesn't want to transition and I believe him.

Honestly, I think that them being jealous and envious about how we look as CDs is not more than a pink fog illusion.

I don't know if I'm misreading what you're saying here, but to clarify, it has nothing to do with being jealous or envious of her husband's looks en femme. But again, there are dozens of different scenarios and say a GG is overweight and feels badly about her weight, or her wrinkles, or whatever, then she will feel bad whether she compares herself to her skinny, wrinkle free husband while he is dressed, or a skinny, wrinkle free GG. Her bad feelings come from the way she feels about herself, not her husband dressed.

I think sometimes she is jealous of the way I look but I could be wrong.

No. As a GG I can tell you that her dislike for the CDing runs much deeper than that. It has to do with preconceived ideas, unresolved fears, and unmet needs in your relationship. I'm not saying you are to blame for all this (the responsibility for issues is always shared between both partners), but if you ever want to resolve this with your wife, you're both going to have to get to much deeper levels of discussion than you have already.

[Sally24]

First, a woman knows that she is feminine. She knows no other way of being. It is the CDers who do all the measuring. lol

I generally agree with you Reine but I disagree with you here. If we take the strictest meaning of feminine then of course she is female. But people generally interpret feminine to be the stereotypical traits such as grace, beauty, sensitivity, nuturing etc... And if you remember school then you know that girls, and women, do a great deal of measuring the femininity of others. Some women shun the stereotype, others worry about meeting it's standards.

I study natal women whenever I am around them. Their movements, facial expressions, hand movements. I try my darnedest to learn how to move like the most attractive and feminine women that I see. Still, I usually feel that I am a fuzzy reflection of them.

I am vain and I embrace it honestly. I know my wife feels a little jealous and competitive of my looks because she's told me so. I also correct her on most occasions letting her know that I would exchange my features for hers. Her weight is the only area that I beat her at. She has a perfect smile (people think she has false teeth they are so straight), a double thick head of still blonde hair, pale skin, and a very lovely set of breasts. I do compliment her as often as I can, which is still probably not enough. This is not my problem, but it is caused by me so I am sensitive to it.

[Carroll]

I just asked my wife. She said no However, she is a bit jealous that I have a larger bust than her. That was the only real inserity she had, then I showed her what I would look like with a smaller bustline. That's when she decided the size I have is just right for my size

[Sherry-Stephanie]

Don't know...you need to ask her that....

But I know she's not at all pleased with the fact that A) I can get into a size 7 JR jean and B) when I'm done for the evening I can take off my 38D boobs and her 44DD's are still attached....

[ReineD]

I generally agree with you Reine but I disagree with you here. If we take the strictest meaning of feminine then of course she is female. But people generally interpret feminine to be the stereotypical traits such as grace, beauty, sensitivity, nuturing etc... And if you remember school then you know that girls, and women, do a great deal of measuring the femininity of others. Some women shun the stereotype, others worry about meeting it's standards.

The only way I can address this is by speaking of my personal experience:

What you say is certainly true in specific circumstances. I don't remember being jealous of the pretty girls in high school and college, but I am sure this is a time where this sort of thing happens frequently. The only time I've felt in competition with another woman was when we were both vying for the same man and this didn't happen frequently. After I was married with kids and felt solid in my relationship, I honestly don't remember measuring myself against other women. There were some, as you say, whose styles were duly noted with a mental note to myself that it wasn't my style. I always quite liked the way I looked. Maybe it has to do with the degree of self-confidence a woman has, and the presence of other interests.

I do consider myself to be average and I'd say that the idea of the "pecking order" is not something that is constantly present between women, unless they feel a threat that a mate or a potential mate's attention might stray or they have body image issues to begin with.

Admittedly, I've been mildly envious of my SO's clothes and jewelry at times, but this was because I wished I could afford these pretty things too. This is not being jealous of her femininity. She does have prettier knees than me, and her feet are far more beautiful than mine. She also can grow nails, while mine break if I look at them. I am happy she has these assets, since they are a source of pride for her. I do tell her good-naturedly that I am jealous of her nails, legs, and feet, but I hope she doesn't take it that my femininity feels threatened. lol

Don't forget that women take pride in the way their SOs look too! I love to see my SO's beautiful face light up with that killer smile, and know that she is my partner. Why would a woman feel threatened by her SO's good looks, again, unless she has body image issues, or they both are vying for the attention of the same man?

[MaryAnn40c]

My first wife did think I was way to sexy in womens clothes and yes I did look way better than her. I could wear whatever I wanted and walk in high heels better than her. She was very upset the first few time I got dressed but after a while she was ok with it.

[ReineD]

My first wife did think I was way to sexy in womens clothes and yes I did look way better than her. I could wear whatever I wanted and walk in high heels better than her. She was very upset the first few time I got dressed but after a while she was ok with it.

MaryAnn, not to be a stickler, but if your wife couldn't walk in high heels very well, might it be because she wasn't interested in wearing them? And if this is the case, then why would she envy you for being able to walk in them?

Trust me, jealousy over your presentation was not what your first wife was concerned about. I know that I wasn't there, but believe me, I do know the GG mindset over this. In depth.

[VictoriaNylons]

Very smart wife. You really do seem to have understood the dynamics with your spouse and made a happy union out of it. Others should take heed.

[Eryn]

Yeah, it's funny how some of us maintain that we're trying to emulate women, yet have very 'manly' competitive behaviors - seeing how high we can score on a 'girliness' test, outdoing each other on our 'feats of girliness' like, "I own more dresses and heels than my wife" or things like that. Proof that the nuts don't fall far from the tree.

I've heard conversations between GGs where they compare the number of dresses or shoes they have in their closets. It may be that such competitions aren't necessarily manly!

Anyway, after Imelda Marcos, they retired that trophy!

My wife has nothing to worry about with me. She says I have good legs, but everywhere else I'm, ummm, flat.

[ReineD]

Eryn, how old were these GGs? I can't see myself keeping tally with my friends. It would just be, I don't know, show-offy somehow. One person is bound to be at a greater financial advantage than the other, and it just seems like a crass thing to do, like bragging about who has the higher salary. Plus, you'd be surprised at how many GGs see their clothes as a non-event ... something you get to fulfill a particular function, but then you file it away and just use it as needed.

Now ... when it comes to bragging about kids, or new bfs or husbands, then it's a whole 'nuther story!

[Eryn]

They looked to be in their 20s or 30s.

A few people in both genders may say crass and impulsive things but that shouldn't bring on a blanket condemnation of either group.

[ReineD]

I wasn't condemning anyone.

I can understand CDers being proud of their wardrobes. They've worked hard and have gone through a lot to get to a place of self-acceptance, given that most grew up in cultures that told them to suppress their natural instincts. I was just surprised to hear of grown women comparing their wardrobes, in the same way that I wouldn't expect grown men (CDs included) to compare their male wardrobes. Maybe "crass" was too strong a word.

[Sammy777]

Nope. I think you hit it squarely on the head with a rather large mallet.
But if we ignore the pain (or lie and say it doesn't exist) I'm sure it'll go away.

Hello Kathi
I hope you do not think for even a second that yourself, and others like you on here that actually communicate with your SO's and have found an equilibrium - or your happy place - with yourself, your other self, and your SO.

My post was solely aimed at those few on here that just never seem to get enough and continue to push, prod and are otherwise generally unhappy that their SO's are taking more then 24hrs to fully comprehend, appreciate and accept something they themselves have had years, or even decades to come to terms with.

Come now ................. I'm not a total Bitch .................. 2/3's maybe, 7/8ths on some days, but not totally

[PetiteDuality]

I'm with Reine.

I particularly think it's pretentious for a CD to say that a GG is jealous of her SO femininity. It would take a very insecure woman.

As I said, she might be concerned about how good a CD looks because of her perception of "her man", or maybe because she is concerned about the CD thinking about wanting to transition full time.

I guess that if my wife ever finds out, she wouldn't be concerned about me transitioning because I wouldn't be very successful with my looks.

[ReineD]

I guess that if my wife ever finds out, she wouldn't be concerned about me transitioning because I wouldn't be very successful with my looks.

Petite Duality, you need to be careful how you word this to your wife. I'll try to explain.

If she thinks that the only reason you don't transition is because you feel that you don't look feminine enough naturally and it would take a lot of surgery in order to be taken as a woman, then she might believe that you ARE a TS just for wanting to do it in the first place. Does this make sense? In other words, what your wife would hear in this sentence is, "I'd transition in a minute if I could". So if she thinks you are TS, she might wonder if there will be a time in your life where achieving your ideal look won't matter anymore, or if you'll decide to have facial feminization surgery, and you will go ahead and live female full time anyway.

I guess a CD would say, rather, "I want to look as good as I possibly can when I'm dressed, but I don't want to do this full time because fundamentally I know that I'm a guy and I don't want to change this."

Like I said above, it has nothing to do with how good someone looks physically when dressed. It has everything to do with the intent. If a person feels that fundamentally she is female, then she is a TS no matter what gender she chooses to live as and it is only a matter of time before all the alarms will go off, telling her that she needs to live as herself, no matter what that looks like.

[Kathi Lake]

I hope you do not think for even a second that yourself, . . .

Sammy, not at all! I was merely joking that most of us are so thick-skulled, that we still don't get it, and even if we do, we stick our fingers in our ears and go lalalalala!



Kathi

[ReineD]

Danam, I hope you don't mind me posting so much in your thread.

It's just that there are so many false beliefs about a GG's mindset and attitudes in this forum, and there seems to be a greater share of them in this particular thread. I really feel it is a disservice to everyone to not inject a dose of reality.

It's one thing to live in a fantasy and there's nothing wrong with this, and of course any CDer is free to be whoever she wants to be. But to encourage false beliefs about GGs, such as being jealous of their husbands dressed (as I said, if she has a poor body image it is about this and not her husband), or her femininity is threatened, or she doesn't pass as a woman when she chooses to wear pants, all these things can create a wedge in a relationship when the CDer doesn't talk to his wife about all of this. It's not good for them, or for any newbies who read threads like this, because it simply isn't true.

I mean, it's OK to ask a question as to whether it is true or not, but to blatantly say that GGs are jealous or feel threatened because of a perception that a husband is hotter than his wife is simply incorrect.

[Vanessac48]

yes she does. I like to dress very sexy, always have my nails long and painted, scoop tops, short skirts, and always wear heels and red lipstick. She gets nervous sometimes when I go out, thinking I'm going to draw too much attention, but it is my female persona, so I can't try to be someone I am not. I always dress like that at home too, so it isn't like I go out any different. I do get lots of looks from guys, but I just smile a little or avoid them.

[ReineD]

Vanessa, have you read the rest of the responses here? Did your wife actually tell you that you are so hot that you threaten her femininity ... or does she instead have any body image issues of her own?

Or, might it be that she's unhappy with the thought that her husband is going out dressed in a way that any GG would dress in order to attract MEN. Maybe your wife just doesn't get it if you say you're not attracted to men (I'm assuming this is what you tell her), but in the next breath your behavior indicates the opposite. Why do you think that a GG would dress very sexy when she goes out? lol