Coming Out to Wife - Again

[steph1964]

Seventeen years ago I told my wife about my crossdressing but I didn’t understand why I was this way, and did a terrible job of explaining it to her. My wife didn't understand but tried to be supportive. We even got me a dress, makeup and shoes. At the time we had AOL and tried a few chat rooms but everyone was just there to hook up and I kept getting IMs about having sex. This only fueled my wife's fears that I was gay or wanted a sex change, despite me telling her I was just a crossdresser. I felt a lot of guilt and shame and we soon stopped talking about it, but I continued to crossdress in secret.
Last week I found this website and discovered that I was not alone, and the posts gave me encouragement and support. I reached out to Stephanie Miller, who was in my area, and she took the time to talk with me on line and even agreed to meet me in person to discuss my many fears. The support I received from her, and others on this site, really helped me come to terms with who I am.
Last night I talked to my wife about my crossdressing for the first time since my original failure. This time I was more educated and prepared to discuss with her how I felt, and more open to her questions and fears. Well it actually took about 4 hours to get up the nerve and I fumbled through it. She was very caring and supportive and the discussion included a lot of crying, hugging and I love yous. We still have a lot to talk about but she has made me feel very comfortable in discussing this with her. I have told her about this website but I don’t know whether she will join.

[Eryn]

I have told her about this website but I don’t know whether she will join.

It sounds like you are off to a good (re)start. I think that we have it so much better now with caring and nurturing communities like this to help us.

I would certainly recommend that your wife join the site and the FAB forum. My wife has received support there and says that reading this site has put a human face on what was previously rather scary to her.

Remember, you have all of us to interact with, but your wife is likely rather isolated. She deserves an outlet too!

Hugs, Eryn

[PretzelGirl]

Steph, the key is that you are trying for her. As long as you keep her in your mind and listen to her thoughts and concerns, you are heading down a good road. I agree with Eryn that it would be good for her to come here if she wishes. My wife and daughter both did and got their answers and are now both pretty comfortable.

[rachaelsloane]

Steph,
You are right, this forum is supportive. I had a wife who knew and was supportive and a GF that I never told so IMO, work with her and if she has guidelines, abide them, as in the long run your relationship will be stronger.
The Best,
Rachael

[sissystephanie]

Steph, have to say that I love your name! How could I not, since it is also mine, although I use the whole name!! I had almost 50 happy years with my dear late wife before I lost her to cancer. She knew that I was a CD when she married me, and she totally supported me in my CD activities. The reason she did was because I never let her forget that I was her husband no matter what I was wearing. That is a major key to a good marriage when crossdressing is involved! You do have a very smart wife, so do whatever is necessary to keep her!!

BTW, I did not know about this forum until after my wife had died, but I am sure that she would have joined. A lovely lady whom I now refer to as my girlfriend does know about the forum and reads most of my posts!

[Danni Renee]

Steph, I did ask my SO to join and as I am typing this, we are both surfing the site together and chatting on the computer (we are currently geographically seperated). We both come here as a way of exploring this and she has found both a lot of support here for herself and it has helped us talk about my dressing in many new ways.

[Eryn]

we are both surfing the site together

Sounds great. After she makes 10 posts she should PM ReineD about access to the FAB forum.

I don't know your SO's name, but welcome to the forum anyway!

[Deana ♥ Danni]

Maybe you could let her know there are other GGs here for support too... It helps me feel "normal" to know there are other SO GG's here that have the same fears I have, but it is also comforting to me to read the responses of the CDs. Danni Renee and I are still learning and growing together, and I think that makes all the difference. Make sure she feels included. At first I didn't think Danni wanted me here, and that crushed me. I felt like she didn't want me to be a part of the new her. It was as if she was moving on in a different direction without me, but we kept talking (and had the help of some wonderful ladies here) and I realized that she does want me here. Keep the lines of communication open with your wife I just found out about Danni right before Christmas. It didn't take me long before I started buying her clothes, shoes, jewelry, makeup, and my favorite making her clip-on earrings

Good luck,
Deana ♥ Danni

PS If you can, keep telling her you love her, just her, and don't let her forget it

[Cynthia Anne]

Another great story! Provided by the loving founders and members of this clean and beautiful site! Together you both shall grow! Hugs for you both!

[steph1964]

Thanks to everyone for the nice comments. She has made me feel very comfortable in discussing this and she knows about the site, but I don't want to push her to join. Again, without the support from this site and from Stephanie, I would never have talked to her.

[Eryn]

she knows about the site, but I don't want to push her to join.

Everything comes at its own pace. Just make sure that she has the support that she needs to help her over the bumps. It's mighty lonely for the SOs if they don't have anyone to talk to.

[Zoe Preston]

Steph - Been there, done that! Your story almost mirrors mine in that it was almost 20 years between me first telling my wife and telling her again.

I wish you good luck and hope that your wife does join the forum. Alas, my wife won't She still loves me but she finds it difficult talking about crossdressing.

I'm not sure that we've come an awful long way. Certainly, the burden of guilt that was getting to me has been lifted but at the expense of emotional upset to my wife. I think I've gone from dressing in secret to ... well, dressing in secret with my wife's knowledge if that makes sense. (If I have a day off when she's visiting her mother she doesn't ask me what I got up to when she returns. We both know).

What are your expectations Steph? Perhaps more to the point you will need to discuss what your wife will tolerate/accept. For instance, my wife doesn't want to see me dressed or see pictures of me dressed (For my part I respect her boundaries). My wife knows that I attend meetings where I dress - how would your wife feel?

Again, I wish you both well and hope that you receive her full acceptance. Equally, I would check that she's OK with things before springing any surprises on her.

Zoe

[Alice B]

Very good and your wife sounds as if she is a special lady. Discovering this site made a huge difference for me. It gave me the information I needed to talk to my wife, to better understand where I stood in the broad (sic) range of cross dressing and to accept my desire to dress. Over time this site has afforded me the ability to better explore my female side and to gain the confidence to attend DLV and have a full week dressed in the open public. There is a lot of information that will help you and your wife to come to a working relationship with your dressing.

[claireblur]

that's very nice of her, it can be quite a hard thing to deal with. you've done the right thing though in telling her about it.

[cosmolovesph]

Good to hear and glad it seemed to work out. I am also in the PHX area with a supportive SO. We don't go out a bunch dresses (occasionally).

[Crafty]

I agree that this is a great place for information. I am a wife and found out more than 15 years ago but it was not the "right time". Cheryl went away for a time. Well about 7 years ago we had another talk and like you Cheryl had more information with places like this. We have come a long way and the one thing I would tell you is keep talking to each other you love each other and things will work out.

[Lizzette_gurl]

My wife has several of the same concerns. She is very supportive, but I know inside she is concerned that I am gay, and that someday I will come home and tell her I am getting a sex change and leaving her for a man. It really helps my wife to read the info in these supportive forums. Have you considered reading the information in here together?