Feeling unmotivated, unless...

[Ava McGhee]

Hi gals, and possibly guys...

Here's the thing: I've cultivated a strongly male persona most of my adult life, most of my friends were male and women seemed, when I felt confident in myself, to be attracted to me.. even now that I'm fully out, I'll have women at social gatherings..bothering me, as I tend to think of it.

Clearly, I'm gay. I've had several boyfriends and even consider some of my closer guy friends as "my men"... in a completely platonic way, of course.

Anyhow, I've been putting more and more thought over the last few years into transitioning full-time. I'm not the classiest person, I'll admit... but definitely not like most other guys. Here's the thing though: I'll live in full guy mode for a number of weeks or months and things slowly seem to fall apart. Especially in the last four years or so I'll feel increasingly listless, irritable, unsure, unable to really focus..

So the pendulum swings hard the other way and I'll go full-girl mode; at first it would be a little off-putting since I'd put so little time and energy into thinking of what actually makes a woman and at best, I'd end up with a guy (or gal) who just had a fetish and wanted me back in guy-mode as soon as we were done.

The last two "girlie" shifts were different, though.. the first was in Seattle, when I was part of a support group and had a different female name. For the first time gay/bi guys would look at me and I'd just feel overwhelmed with.. I dunno how to describe it, I guess butterflies in the stomach. I'd flush and feel short of breath and be all silly, giggly almost. The first time it happened it actually scared me because I have never, ever felt that way from anyone. I had a couple straight guy friends who really seemed to be treating me like a lady, even with me having a beard.

After I had established myself there, I went back to full guy mode.. and things just fell apart. I felt like I had no control over my life and was completely without drive or motivation... I hit bottom and had to come back home to Spokane

I lived full guy here for awhile but things weren't going anywhere.. anyhow, I've had another big girl-time shift very recently and am actually driven to find better housing, get a decent job.. and I don't want any guy clothes in my wardrobe. If I absolutely have to play the man, then there's a couple outfits in women's sizes which are androgynous enough for me to... I dunno, pass I guess.

So, what's the deal? Does any of this sound familiar to any of you here? I have no insurance yet and can't afford a counselor.. but does all of this really mean that I was truly meant to be a woman?

Thanks for reading you guys... I didn't have anywhere else to put this so it's in MtF crossdressing.



~~~~~~~~~~~
Avabeth McGhee

[Eryn]

...does all of this really mean that I was truly meant to be a woman?

I don't think that it is time yet to commit to that assertion. I think that you have the perfectly normal experience of finding that your feminine side is more fun and interesting than the male side that you've lived with all your life. You have plenty of time to explore yourself further to determine if you are truly meant to be a woman.

I'm in somewhat the same boat. I spent decades stuffing my feminine self deep into the closet and developing a "strong male" facade to hide my insecurity. I've decided to change that, but the habits engrained in me make it very hard to let my female side express herself fully. When she does, she's a heck of a lot more interesting than my guy side, simply because she brings with her new experiences. I don't think that this makes me "meant to be a woman." It simply indicates that I'm growing and changing for the better.

[Ericka2]

This post been helpfull by just reading it, I'm too looking for some answers, the funny thing is that, just when I think I have the answer I'm confused again??...but think about it, after so many years being a male, it is gonna take a while to deprogram the persona, specially when you doing the female thing part time and incognito.......

Love, Ericka.

[docrobbysherry]

One word for u, Ava, an experienced, qualified, "therapist"!
After reading your post, I don't think can afford NOT to have one!

[Ava McGhee]

Thanks for the replies, gals... docrobbysherry, I know that I definitely need a therapist but as I said, I don't have the means to see one. All I know is that lately, I need to be as girly as possible all over again...

[abbykins]

Ava, your story resonates with me, but I'm not sure exactly why. I wish you happiness.

[Julogden]

Avabeth, I say follow your instincts and your heart for now, and if you're in distress over your gender issues, then do all you can to get some help from a qualified gender therapist. Many will work on a sliding scale.

I think that many of us experience gender issues as a ride on a roller coaster, so while the exact details may be different, what you're going through isn't a lot different than what many others experience.

Good luck!
Carol

[Ava McGhee]

I'm thrilled that my story helped to give at least two other gals persective on their own lives.. Julogden, thank you so much for the words of support, I truly needed them.. as sherry already pointed out I do need a good therapist, because Ava is eating more and more into my daily life, consuming it; despite my not having a very full wardrobe of women's clothing, it seems to be much deeper with me.

It's almost like my guy side is becoming her alter-ego, not the other way around. I can actually look at myself in the miror or in pictures and identify myself as a woman. Women are looking at me differently now, and I'm having more and more of a difficult time passing as straight... gah, I'd better stop before I ramble any more.

Thanks gals!