Hi gals, and possibly guys...
Here's the thing: I've cultivated a strongly male persona most of my adult life, most of my friends were male and women seemed, when I felt confident in myself, to be attracted to me.. even now that I'm fully out, I'll have women at social gatherings..bothering me, as I tend to think of it.
Clearly, I'm gay. I've had several boyfriends and even consider some of my closer guy friends as "my men"... in a completely platonic way, of course.
Anyhow, I've been putting more and more thought over the last few years into transitioning full-time. I'm not the classiest person, I'll admit... but definitely not like most other guys. Here's the thing though: I'll live in full guy mode for a number of weeks or months and things slowly seem to fall apart. Especially in the last four years or so I'll feel increasingly listless, irritable, unsure, unable to really focus..
So the pendulum swings hard the other way and I'll go full-girl mode; at first it would be a little off-putting since I'd put so little time and energy into thinking of what actually makes a woman and at best, I'd end up with a guy (or gal) who just had a fetish and wanted me back in guy-mode as soon as we were done.
The last two "girlie" shifts were different, though.. the first was in Seattle, when I was part of a support group and had a different female name. For the first time gay/bi guys would look at me and I'd just feel overwhelmed with.. I dunno how to describe it, I guess butterflies in the stomach. I'd flush and feel short of breath and be all silly, giggly almost. The first time it happened it actually scared me because I have never, ever felt that way from anyone. I had a couple straight guy friends who really seemed to be treating me like a lady, even with me having a beard.
After I had established myself there, I went back to full guy mode.. and things just fell apart. I felt like I had no control over my life and was completely without drive or motivation... I hit bottom and had to come back home to Spokane
I lived full guy here for awhile but things weren't going anywhere.. anyhow, I've had another big girl-time shift very recently and am actually driven to find better housing, get a decent job.. and I don't want any guy clothes in my wardrobe. If I absolutely have to play the man, then there's a couple outfits in women's sizes which are androgynous enough for me to... I dunno, pass I guess.
So, what's the deal? Does any of this sound familiar to any of you here? I have no insurance yet and can't afford a counselor.. but does all of this really mean that I was truly meant to be a woman?
Thanks for reading you guys... I didn't have anywhere else to put this so it's in MtF crossdressing.
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Avabeth McGhee