Does it hurt much?

[Pinky188]

The only thing that hurts me is that society wont accept me. But I can deal with that pain. Its worth it!

[Phyliss]

Yes, it did "hurt" ... once, a long time ago, in another life, and another world.

We all understand the "feelings" of being alone in a crowd, last pick for "the team", being "the target" ... those sort of things that many of us escape by dressing.

Two life altering things have happened to me over the last three years, which have given me the courage to no longer use the word "fear". With nothing more to loose, I have also "lost" the "hurt" and that alone has given me freedom from the pain

[Debglam]

Frederique,

Your beautifully worded posts are always a pleasure to read but this one is the best. I'm keeping a copy of it if you don't mind.

Many thanks and much love,
Debby

[Nia Hush]

While I'm still kinda sorting myself out, I've already lived a life where nothing I do is ever satisfactory to my parents. For whatever reason, whatever I enjoy, whatever path I've wanted to take has already been faced with resentment, even what I desire as a career choice because to them, its not a safe, corporate yesman job loaded with benefits. And how much of my time have I wasted on easing their conscious and ego. Too much, quite frankly, at the expense of myself.

So would they resent my crossdressing? Totally. Just another drop on the bucket for me. I've grown so used to it I just don't care anymore. Don't get me wrong, I love them and appreciate all they've done for me, but I think its just them projecting their insecurities about themselves onto me. I grew up watching my grandmother browbeat my father every chance she got and he was a fairly successful engineer.

I can't really see how it would affect my friends - they have their own lives now, many of them just starting families of their own. Seems I'm always the one keeping the lines of communication open anyway, not them. Some of that just is what it is and I've accepted that old friendships will just be modest association via Facebook more than anything else now. Do they need to know, do I need to tell them? For many I've already faded from the mind anyway, so I'm not sure it really even matters.

And maybe just due to how I'm wired I don't really need the approval of others to be happy with who I am. I can be a very social person, but I've never had a need to be a social butterfly. I still look out for others and appreciate what support I get, which I find to be enough to be happy about..

I don't even really have a problem with being a man, I just have a problem with the nonsense of social expectations placed upon gender and I had that view before I even came upon crossdressing/transgender matters and interests.

Does it hurt? I can't really say. Might hurt if I cared too much about what others thought, if I was already married with a family but those aren't my situations. I do have an apartment my family totally has access to if they need a place to stop in, but the honest truth is they never do so I'm not even worried about that. The biggest worry is being seen by the neighbors and there are even ways around that so long as I time it right.

What's important to me right now is that I'm happy with my situation and who I am. In embracing the fact that I do have a feminine side, I do find that I'm more satisfied with who I am and more determined to seek out the life I want. My career ambition was and still is to be a freelance writer and I'm going to just have to endure whatever dull job I have to take for now to reach that, just like anything I'll have to endure - like exercise and dieting - to get that more slender feminine look I want.

Anyway, it was good to get all of that out of my system. Such thoughts have been festering on the backburner this week. Its nothing I'm frustrated about, mind you, but something best not left bottled up for all time, either.

[Persephone]

fred: it hurt years ago, when the athletic types picked sides to play baseball, I was always the last one chosen if at all.Then when the ball was hit to me it always seemed to land some ten feet away from where I was standing as if someones profecy was being fulfilled."See, I told you, dana cant catch the damn ball".I had no real balance for sports. Could not catch or hit the ball, threw like a girl and the back of my head was always the target for the dodge ball.

How did you live my childhood???

You expressed it perfectly. Your post brought back nearly every one of those moments.

Did we go to seperate schools together?

Hugs,
Persephone.

[Vanessa Storrs]

The underwires cut into my ribcage, the shoes are uncomfortable and we shall not even mention the Devil's tool called pantyhose. The pain is gone though when I feel like I am complete. The cool breeze blowing up my skirt does more to ease the pain than a dozen Advils.

[Audrey34]

It only hurts when I deny myself the opportunity to dress up. And unfortunately because of the many stresses in my life I've rarely dressed up now.
-Audrey

[Mimi]

Frederique, what an eloquent and insightful message! Reading posts like yours help me understand what my own SO is feeling and thinking as she goes through her own journey of discovery.

[SuzanneBender]

Frederique this is one of the finest posts that I have ever seen on this site.

I does hurt. I can handle a night in heels. Thats a minor pain offset by the wonderful feeling of "being" if only for a moment.

The real pain is that which you describe that is deep in our souls. I hurt because those I love hurt. I hurt because what could have been, what could be will never correlate with what must be. I hurt because I can't turn off this longing and return to ordinary.

Vaga's post struck a chord with me. I never realized the comparison between being a warrior and being transgender. There are so many similarities, but to me the primary one is those that those who love us suffer in order for us to pursue an illogical passion that ordinary people will never understand or dare undertake.

"If it doesn't kill you it makes you stronger". The sacrifice is great. We endure more than most people imagine, but I doubt I would change a thing if given the chance. My service to my country has brought me many gifts and made me a much better person. Being Transgender showered me with gifts and made me a better person in all aspects of my life. Kathi said it well, "the pain just lets us know we are alive." and almost anything worth having comes at a price.

[morgan51]

Thankyou for a lovely post. Absolutly the best one I've read on this sight!

[Jenniferpl]

Yes there is some pain. The bra is too tight, my breast hurt my back after a while, and my feet ach from wearing heels. Those pains are nornal and I can deal with them. It is those other pains that really hurt. Not being able to dress up or having to hide it or surpress all those desires and feelings. If it was easy, everyone would be doing it.

[VioletJourney]

You really hit the nail on the head there. It hurts to know that this is a part of me that I can't get rid of, but at the same time I'm not allowed by societal norms to fully embrace it without fear.

[abbykins]

Thank you for such beauty and insight, Frédérique.

[Rachel Mari]

Thank you so much! It expressed and explained so much of what I feel. It really touched my heart.

[Patricia Jane]

No! Frankly I enjoy it! It is enjoyable and fun. Just the wearing of the clothes and the feel on the body is worth the effort. A day without dressing is a day waisted. With all the other problems one has to face each day you need some Pleasure time.! Enjoy it, and take advantage of it.

[KrystalA]

A very well thought out and well written post. But to answer your question, does it hurt? No, feeling girly doesn't hurt, it feels wonderful. If I could feel this way 24/7 I'd think I was in Heaven.

[Tasha McIntyre]

Frederique this is one of the finest posts that I have ever seen on this site.

Absolutely agree with Suzanne. Thank you for a wonderful and very thoughtful post.

Painful? Before discovering this site I have a truckload of confusion, but there was no pain. Oddly enough now I have discovered and gained an understanding of who I am I have entered a world of somewhat moderate pain. Pain because there is so much I want to do but will not do due to boundaries set jointly by my wife and I.

Sometimes the pain of returning to guy mode after a shopping trip is overwhelming, and I need some time to mentally compose myself.

Tash

[Cheryl T]

No...I think it hurts more to deny that the feminine exists somewhere inside me. The clothes (of which I love) are just an outward expression of something inside.

As the song title says, "I second that emotion".

Sometimes my feet hurt in my heels (they hurt sometimes in male shoes), sometimes my padded girdle is a bit uncomfortable (having no hips and no derriere to fill out my skirts and slacks is too). Sometimes my wig is a little too tight (not having enough of my own hair to grow out is painful).

We suffer through certain pains to overcome the inner pain we feel when we cannot express the "woman within".
We suffer other pains to move past the fears we have that others will uncover our secret and we will become outcasts simply for being who we are.

The article was wonderful. It expressed many of our "hurts". Now if society would only recognize that we are hurting inside it would make the pains we suffer to present our inside more pleasant.

[Frédérique]

[SIZE="2"]Many thanks for the kind comments – I get nervous when I post anything lengthy, so please pardon my “drive-by” method of posting! I would say “drag and drop” method, but, as you may already know, I dislike the word DRAG…
[/SIZE]

We're alive, my friend!

[SIZE="2"]I agree, in fact I think we, as MtF crossdressers, are more “alive” than most males could ever hope to be, especially if our time on Earth is lengthened because of a diluted or side-stepped masculinity. Sitting here calmly with my legs crossed at the knee, I get the feeling I can go on forever…[/SIZE]

The real pain is that which you describe that is deep in our souls. I hurt because those I love hurt. I hurt because what could have been, what could be will never correlate with what must be. I hurt because I can't turn off this longing and return to ordinary.

[SIZE="2"]I’ve missed you, Suzanne! You’re exactly right, in fact I was going to expound on that idea in the OP, but my words were already too numerous. It hurts to know that we will never be what we wish to be, and our presentation, along with its attendant mindset, is only a fraction of what we once hoped to achieve. At best, we are forced to be content with an unfinished masterpiece, or a collection of found (feminine) objects and ideas cobbled together that fall far short of our original aims. It hurts to know I cannot be what I want to be, and yet impossible dreams must be pursued, if only to make life worth living. As far as I’m concerned, the “ordinary” is not an option…[/SIZE]

It hurts to know that this is a part of me that I can't get rid of, but at the same time I'm not allowed by societal norms to fully embrace it without fear.

[SIZE="2"]The fact that we do this, namely MtF crossdressing, and it causes so many unwarranted ripples in the fabric of society, is downright painful – is there any more innocent, and somewhat endearing thing a male can do? I know I’m generalizing, based on how I KNOW I feel about it, but I’m not alone in having that radical thought, am I? Encountering barriers at nearly every turn, even in places where one would expect comfort, understanding and support, may be what hurts the most – at the end of the day you’re left staring into the mirror, wondering if that’s all you have, and all that you ever will have…

I must say I’ve never considered “getting rid” of this inexplicable desire to crossdress – I may be in denial regarding this acceptance I believe in (without question), but I know I willingly chose to do this. It hurts nonetheless, mainly because it’s not easy to share with anyone, even though I want to, and my crossdressing flourishes during times of non-attachment. When I look around I see no spouse, no children, few real friends, and a solitary, unremarkable lifestyle – that hurts, if I stop and think about it…
[/SIZE]

[Kathryn Martin]

It does not hurt anymore. The hurt was not in clothes or shoes but in the ravages of the testosterone, and in my silence, those moments when my presence was palpable and when the mask pretended to be I. No more! I who finally arrived and he is silent now.

It never hurts to read your posts, lengthy or not....

[abbykins]

[SIZE="2"]When I look around I see no spouse, no children, few real friends, and a solitary, unremarkable lifestyle – that hurts, if I stop and think about it…
[/SIZE]

Hugs, Frédérique. Anyone can experience this, MtF or no. I have always been this way and I only just started. I think it's more to do with being independent, unique, amazing, and uncompromising about achieving your happiness; you would never want a spouse or friends who didn't make you happy, so you're alone for now, instead of settling for less. I think we know when we're doing the right thing, even when it seems worse in the short-term.