MisUnderstandings

[AKAMichelle]

I think one of the hardest things to deal with is how women still see you as a guy. We want to be friends. We want to be invited to the bachelorette parties and girls night out, but in the end they still see us as a guy and after only one thing.

I have had my wife tell me many times how different women took my being friendly to them as me coming on to them. I didn't want to have sex with them. I wanted a real female relationship and it just isn't possible sometimes. It is the most frustrating part of being TG. We are just not understood. The male stereotypes still shine through.

I have had some of these relationships but they don't last. The new boyfriend sees me as a threat and off I go. This part really s**ks.

[kimdl93]

Michelle, is this a more common reaction among women who knew you as a male, or an accross the board reaction?

[AKAMichelle]

This happens from time to time in various situations. This particular situation was after they knew I was a cd'er. It just gets really frustrating that the more I am me the more these things happen.

The one thing that I hope will happen one day is to take my daughter in law out shopping one day and have a girls day with her. The problem is that being in that inbetween state causes difficulty. You don't really belong in either place completely.

FYI: I don't have a daughter in law yet, but that day is coming and I hope it turns out the way I hope.

[Stephenie S]

Gee sweetie. Can you blame them? You're married. And you wonder why other women continue to view you as a guy?

That's a no brainer in my book.

S

[AKAMichelle]

Gee sweetie. Can you blame them? You're married. And you wonder why other women continue to view you as a guy?

That's a no brainer in my book.

S

I am finally preparing to file the divorce papers for good. Even if I am single, the issue happens. You can't just be friends with a woman. They always see you as a predator unless you are gay.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

It would be nice if you could have it both ways..welcome to the middle path.

men hit on women all the time..especially in social situations..all women know this..some women don't like it, others like it alot.....it's not a "men are pigs" comment..it's just the way it is..male/female friendships often end up romantic despite original intentions.

if you are presenting openly as a crossdresser, you are hopefully getting accepted in your community, but most people would rightly still consider you a man even if willing to call you female names and pronouns...
having been out and about crossdressing for many years, i noticed this all the time....once i got to know crossdressers, they almost always hit on me, and to put it even more bluntly, i think lots of married guys used their crossdressing as an excuse to get out and cheat on their so's..that's beside the point though..

as you work through how you want to live, this is something you'll have to figure out for yourself because it's not something that is going to change..if you want to have meaningful relationships with women as a woman, then you can't be a man..
and to make it worse, as some of us transition, it's still a struggle to feel totally accepted as women especially if we missed out on growing up with other girls, or if we openly present as transgendered.

[AKAMichelle]

Kaitlyn I think you hit the nail on the head. This is exactly the problem. I don't know that I ever want to transition, but for now I don't. I just hate this very scenario and there is nothing that I can do to change it.

[lingerieLiz]

Well, I'm not gay and I've had friends that are women for years. The one thing I do is act friendly but make no advances toward them. Also most of the women are married as am I. We go shopping together and talk clothes etc. It wouldn't work if I met them at a bar, and it was just the two of us.

[ReineD]

I'll bring forward a different perspective.

I don't know that it has do to with women expecting to be hit on by men. I've always tended to not see much of a difference between myself and men from a human standpoint and I certainly don't walk around expecting to be hit on. In my lifetime, I've been able to feel complete, platonic friendships with some males and would confide in them just as I would with females, without ever feeling any sexual tension even if they weren't CDers. Yet, with other males this was impossible to do. Some GMs, whether they CD or not, simply exude a lot of sensuality for lack of a better word, and this is difficult for women to ignore.

It's hard to explain because all of this happens in the spheres of the unseen and the unheard, in the realms of body language and neurons and hormones.

Another consideration: how tall are you Michelle, and how much do you weigh? What is the caliber of your voice? I ask because if there is a significant difference between you and the women you wish to befriend, these are the type of in-your-face gender cues that are also difficult to ignore.

[Melissa Rose]

I have GG friends, and they treat me like one of the girls. I don't act like a guy around them, and they tease me about being more girly than any of them. They do not know me in male mode so perhaps that makes a difference. Perhaps Reine is right in that something about you is giving off "male" signals. I don't mean this in a bad way, but something is causing them to feel uncomfortable.

[ReineD]

Melissa, from a GG standpoint, I wouldn't call it uncomfortable. I'd say it is more about feeling attracted.

[Sue101]

They always see you as a predator unless you are gay

I think most women go on the defensive when approached by men, its just an automatic behavior they are not aware of. Since people assume crossdressers are gay then why not let that assumption work to your advantage. Dont tell them you are married or are heterosexual then the automated defences will not be raised. Once they get to know you and they know you are after a platonic relationship then you can reveal your heterosexuality if the subject is raised.

[gretchen2]

I think that the bottom line here is that CDers are men and most of the CDers that I have been around are very male, there just wearing woman’s clothes. So for a genetic woman when they interact with you all they see and hear is a man in woman’s clothes. You can not expect a GW to accept you as a woman when you are not. There are exceptions to the rule, some CDers are amazingly feminine and they can blend in with woman but most can not. I have found so far that if you want to be with woman on a social level in general, you have to be a woman. You have to think, act, move and talk like a woman and most CDers can not do that, they are men. Like I said there are always exceptions to the rules, for example the GW on this site, they are an exception to the rule.
Sorry to hear about your divorce, it sounded like things were going to work out for you two.

[AKAMichelle]

Another consideration: how tall are you Michelle, and how much do you weigh? What is the caliber of your voice? I ask because if there is a significant difference between you and the women you wish to befriend, these are the type of in-your-face gender cues that are also difficult to ignore.

Size and voice wise I am definitely a guy and I don't try to hide it.

I think most women go on the defensive when approached by men, its just an automatic behavior they are not aware of. Since people assume crossdressers are gay then why not let that assumption work to your advantage. Dont tell them you are married or are heterosexual then the automated defences will not be raised. Once they get to know you and they know you are after a platonic relationship then you can reveal your heterosexuality if the subject is raised.

I think if you hide anything from a friend then the friendship is built on lies. I won't cross that boundary so they will either have to deal with me being hetero or go their separate way.

I think that the bottom line here is that CDers are men and most of the CDers that I have been around are very male, there just wearing woman’s clothes. So for a genetic woman when they interact with you all they see and hear is a man in woman’s clothes. You can not expect a GW to accept you as a woman when you are not. There are exceptions to the rule, some CDers are amazingly feminine and they can blend in with woman but most can not. I have found so far that if you want to be with woman on a social level in general, you have to be a woman. You have to think, act, move and talk like a woman and most CDers can not do that, they are men. Like I said there are always exceptions to the rules, for example the GW on this site, they are an exception to the rule.
Sorry to hear about your divorce, it sounded like things were going to work out for you two.

I guess this is my problem. I'm a guy. I can't help it. I was born this way, but I definitely connect to women more than men. Thanks for your kind words Gretchen. Let me know when you come down to Denver again. I am going out Friday to a karaoke bar which you would enjoy. Come join me so we can catch up.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Reine you are so open and helpful about things...thnx for pitching in.

[erica12b]

This has been something I have found very strange, it’s the ” either or “ attitude we all do it but ggs
seam to learn it early and its strong in some and weak in others, just to veering degrees, either your
expectable as a sexual partner (maybe) Or not, (not worth of there time), either they are excepting or
not, im not saying they are quick to judge just a survival instinct that some have to move up in the world,
I (me) am thinking its something most of us grow out of in the late teens but others cant or don’t , also
if they are around you very much then they do change there minds or attitude most of the time (not all
of the time ) I think its just a quirk of socialization (interaction) If that makes any sense to anyone

[docrobbysherry]

I think the exceptions prove the rule, Michelle! I'm NOT a studly guy. But before I began dressing, I couldn't be around a pretty female without wanting to get her clothes off!

Now that I dress, I feel the same way. Only difference is that after we finished, I'd want to put hers on!

[Tammy V]

I have a couple of female friends, one of which I go out to socialize with as either my male or female self. I hev several more of these gg friends online. None see me as a threat or seem to worry about me coming on to them, but they know that I also like to date men and have never tried any sexual innuendo with them.

[Kate Simmons]

Women have the knack to size up fairly quickly how sincere and genuine we are Hon.

[Olivia2]

Melissa, from a GG standpoint, I wouldn't call it uncomfortable. I'd say it is more about feeling attracted.

This makes a great deal of sense. I know GG's who admitted to having been absolutely flustered and beside themselves in the presence of gay men who they found attractive. Doesn't matter that they aren't being hit on. It's just the chemistry. Probably no different with CD's in some cases.